Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

The Farmer’s Hoodie!

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Yesterday evening I spent a relaxed time sweeping oats in a bin so they could join the heap on the floor in the next-door barn. It is a crap job. The air-sweep floors (vents pointing towards the outlet of the bin that help empty the last 15 tons of grain) are now old, and with oats being so light, simply seem to hinder the job by blowing them up into the air so they drop down inside the shirt of the sweeper. Unless he is wearing a very un-farmer-like article of clothing…

The farmer is wearing a hoodie!
Well just fancy that!
He’s not hanging around a bus stop,
in a back2front farmer’s cap!
He’s too old for the ‘Yoof Club’,
it’s time that he retired,
he’s too old to be an apprentice,
“Farmer you are fired!”
He’s silly enough to be in a bin,
sweeping dusty oats,
the hoodie keeps all dust from his back,
avoids itchy undercoats!
Later this very morning,
three loads of oats will go,
waved off by the farmer in his hoodie
“He’s daft that farmer you know!”

If you’re sweeping today, I wish you as little dust as possible!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Long and Winding Road!

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The road past the farm is long and straight. Unfortunately it soon becomes twisting and winding with no place to overtake safely for many miles. This is perfect for racing motorbikes on Wednesday nights and at weekends. In fact it is so perfect they call it a ‘must ride’ road and it sounds like a Moto GP. Drivers of cars take whatever opportunity they can to overtake, even if dangerous, as it could mean a minute saved…

Driving just two miles from the farm,
came over the hill with some alarm,
a silver car overtaking,
suddenly felt my knees shaking.
I awaited with dread a crashing sound,
I had managed with ease to slow right down,
The only sight that did linger,
as he sped past, he gave ME the finger!

If you’re driving today just remember there are some silly sods out there who haven’t time to live. Take care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Buzz, Buzz, Buzz!

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The other afternoon son-in-law John and I went to cut up a fallen tree by the wood. On occasions such as this I am the labourer and John is the skilled operator. He has all his chainsaw qualifications (the arborists equivalent of a First Class Honours Degree from Oxbridge), and I have a deep-seated hatred of the buzzing machines (my four-year-old granddaughter delights in chasing me armed with her toy Stihl chainsaw!). Suddenly the saw went quiet and John rushed past me shouting: “Run!”  Fearing at least a zombie invasion or unearthed WW2 bomb, I ran as well…

Buzz buzz buzz!
Went the angry red chainsaw,
as it sliced its way,
through wood two feet or more!
“Buzz buzz buzz!”
Shout the wild angry bees,
“Run Run Run!”
Shouts John as he flees!

I stood there confused
What on earth should I do?
didn’t know what was happening
So I ran too!
Knowing nothing about bees,
Except they make honey and sting,
I couldn’t help but laugh,
I didn’t feel a thing!

It pays to pay attention when someone else is sawing timber! Be careful today and stay safe!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Proliferation of Rainbows!

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For the last few days we seem to have had nothing but rain indispersed with sunny intervals. The only good by-product of days like these has been the proliferation of rainbows. In this modern tipsy-turvey world we must apportion blame, even for something like rain. I couldn’t find anyone to blame until I saw a friend’s new car…

I’m fed up with all this rain,
it’s as if April’s here again,
although that month was so dry,
September’s enough to make men cry!
I rounded the corner in the yard,
without a topic for the Baldock Bard,
when an amazing sight made me stop,
friend Val’s bought a white soft-top!
She won’t have the hood down I fear
until at least summer next year!
at last I’d found someone to blame,
it must be her fault all this rain!
In reality I’m just jealous as I’ve always wanted a soft-top since a friend bought a MGB Roadster back in the seventies! Go Val!
Have a great weekend and may the sun shine enough to let down that top!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Spider’s Web

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The other night I almost walked into a very large spider’s web. As I shone the torch the intricate construction was displayed and I grabbed my trusty I-phone hoping against all odds to capture the beauty. Then I realized that it was designed purely for killing…

“Welcome to the Web,”
said the spider to the fly,
“ask it anything you want,
you’ll learn the ‘what and why!’

Learn all the latest news,
some may or not be true,
learn about yourself,
you’ll find the real ‘you’!

Learn about digestion,
and how the web is fine.”
The spider then ate the fly,
“The digestion part was MINE!”

Take care out there; all that is beautiful is not necessarily good for your health!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Dog and Drone!

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Readers of my recent random scribblings will realise how little influence I have over the behaviour of our naughty ‘puppy-that’s-not-a-puppy-anymore’. Yesterday it got through the garden gate and ran up the drive  towards the road. It found great humour in seeing me puffing and panting after it. Suddenly she got bored with the game and returned past me, through the gate and back into the garden. Later I flew my drone from the garden path and I suddenly realised she was mesmerised! When it landed she sat without a movement as if properly trained…

“What’s this thing,
that I can see?
Coming out of the sky,
will it vaporise me?
It’s cycloptic stare,
watches my every move,
if I sit still,
will it disapprove?
I haven’t twitched,
not even a leg,
it’s lights have stopped flashing,
perhaps it’s dead!”

The latest dog-training aid – a DJI Mavic Pro UAV (takes great pictures too)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

The Gardener’s Bonfire!

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The other day I changed out of my ‘farmer’s uniform’ of checked shirt, tweed jacket, wellies and cap into an old pair of corduroys, much-used baggy jersey, green anti-thorn gloves and a dirty old floppy hat. I had to change as I was about to do something that, as a farmer, is verboten. I was going to light a garden bonfire! As I was now officially ‘a gardener’ I had no need to await November 5th, or the festival of Eid, and had no need to apply for a derogation from a government department…

There is nothing that announces:
‘Autumn is almost here!’
than the smell of a garden bonfire,
around this time of year.
The cremation of dead tree branches,
too small for our sitting-room fire,
the sizzling of green holly leaves,
on the bottom-of-garden pyre.
As I stood staring into the flames,
I remembered things I’d seen,
how we used to set-light to stubble,
nature’s fire kept seedbed clean!

Have a good day and keep filling up the brown bins, you know it makes sense.
Please don’t complain about the smell it makes when they spread it on the land, you’re only getting your own back!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Forecourt Daze!

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How absent-minded can you be? Yesterday morning I went to fetch milk. As we have no milking cows on the farm, it meant a trip to Tesco petrol station. I parked my wife’s black Volvo away from the pumps and behind a Nissan 4×4.

“Good morning no fuel,
I’ve just a bottle of milk,
not tempted by donuts,
or anything of that ilk!”

“Thank you so much,
and have a very good day”
I walked back onto the forecourt
so I could drive away!

Almost run over,
by a big white van,
driver gave me the finger,
what a very irritating man!

Mrs Bard’s car is keyless,
keys stay in your pocket,
pull the door handle,
and you magically unlock-it.
The door wouldn’t open,
this was most bizarre,
was then that I realised,
it was someone else’s car!

I hung around and explained my stupidity to the lady owner who said it had made her day and that she couldn’t wait to tell her husband!
This morning’s verse is dedicated to the staff at the Tesco petrol station in Baldock who are the finest bunch you could ever meet.They make filling up a pleasure.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

My Heap of Stress Relief!

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What do you do when stressed? I tend to find a job I hate that requires some (but not too much) physical effort. For me, one of those jobs is sweeping out an oat bin in order to transfer the grain to the barn for loading. It is the perfect stress relief…

I have a large heap of oats
piling up in the shed,
“That’ll keep folk in porridge!”
somebody said!
and when things start
to stress me right out,
I go sweep a bin
(behind my dust mask I shout!).
Dust swirls in the bin,
I’m covered in chaff,
but when I get out,
once more I can laugh!

Wishing you a stress-free Friday, or if not you’re welcome to come sweep with me!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

The Farm Inspection!

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Once a year we have an inspection on the farm. The result of a pass is that we can call ourselves ‘Farm Assured’ and buyers can buy our crops with confidence knowing that at any stage of the process from gate to plate the origins can be traced. It also shows that we have followed the myriad of rules we have to obey. Gone are the days of Farmer Fred simply having to obey the weather, his wife and the bank manager…

I had a snap inspection yesterday,
even though all the wheat had gone away,
the inspector checked around the farm,
finding nothing amiss to raise an alarm.
Then it came to the paperwork that’s needed,
for every acre of farm that’s seeded.
For this Mrs Bard is firmly in charge,
as my filling skills wouldn’t satisfy the Sarge!
She has a folder she likes very much,
labelled “Farmer Giles – Don’t You Dare Touch!”
All the inspectors we’ve ever had have been firm but fair and we’ve always managed to pass (something I could never manage at school). So thanks to Matt, we’re once again Farm Assured.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share