The Old Friend!

Posted on January 10, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

January on the farm can be a stressful time. Following the festivities, reality strikes and you’re forced to review the future and make predictions that, if wrong, can seriously affect your business. However, if you are lucky, there is an old friend lurking in the cupboard…

Lurking in the cupboard I found an old friend,
the sweet brown contents would help me no end!
I’d spent the day on a forward cash-flow,
and needed something to help the figures grow!
I took a chunk (I didn’t dare take a bite!)
and all of a sudden things looked alright!
No difference in figures driving me around the bend,
but feeling happier thanks to my chocolate friend!

It then led me to ponder a most valuable crop – Cocoa Beans! (unfortunately not available here in the UK), but one is allowed to dream whilst eating chocolate! It is also the perfect way to forget those New Year resolutions.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
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SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
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Harvest Crisis Averted!

Posted on January 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Whilst researching on everyone’s favourite search engine for ‘When is Twelfth Night?’ I came across some useful facts. Most of these didn’t help in the decision to panic and eject the Christmas tree out of the back door, but one fact did possibly help shine a light on my poor wheat yields…

‘Take down all decorations by Twelfth Night,
or bad things will happen, won’t be right!
So we took down our decorations,
(some were made by Croatians!)
Dragged the tree out with some success,
more needles than the NHS!
and so it lies all forlorn,
before being deposited on the lawn.
This once-regal nordic tree,
now looks as sad as sad can be.
No lights, no tinsel or decorations await,
off for re-cycling near Baldock Gate!
Decorations packed away by midnight,
all in boxes out of sight,
‘If not by midnight’ spake the curse,
‘This years harvest will be your worst!’

Phew! Job done, harvest crisis averted!

The Jump Start!

Posted on January 4, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a sound heard on some farms after the Christmas break that reminds the farmer that machines have lain idle over the Christmas/New Year break. I went out to the shed to get the Loadall to sweep up some oats and it made that infuriating sound. I think it is cross at the inaction over the holidays…

“Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra
I’m not going to start,
you can give me all the heat you like,
It’s your fault we’ve been apart!
You’ve stuffed yourself with turkey,
trifle and the odd minced tart,
while I’m abandoned in the shed,
you’d better fetch the powered jump start!”

This is dedicated to all those who are having trouble getting back to normal after the holidays (just like me!)
N.B. It wasn’t the JCB Loadall’s fault it wouldn’t start – someone had left the ignition switched on and I’m looking around to share the blame but am standing alone!!

A Proper Farmer At Last!

Posted on January 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago when I worked on a dairy farm, the cowman, Sam, told me that on a ‘proper farm’, the cowman had the softest hands! Of course his idea of a ‘proper farm’ included animals and in particular cows. Every day he used udder cream on the cows udders and, by default, on his hands with remarkable results. This Christmas, a friend obviously thought I needed to pay some attention to my hands and gave me some Farmers Hand Cream, a chance to be a proper farmer…

Look closely at my farm,
no animals will you view,
just some arable acres,
Wheat, oats and beans too!
I’m now a proper farmer,
as I’ve got Farmers Hand Cream,
I’ll have the softest farmer hands,
in Twenty-Seventeen!

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year wherever in the world you may be.
Want to be a proper farmer? Pop along to www.welshlavender.com and your dream will come true (as did mine!)

Royston Roy’s Rocket!

Posted on December 30, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Many notable events have taken place on the field where we hold our Saturday Car Boot Sales just outside Baldock. We have had dog shows, charity fun runs, proposals and falling-outs! However one of the more obscure events just recently was the launching of a space rocket by Rocket Roy from Royston…

The countdown started at Mission Control,
(the Launch Director munched on a sausage roll!)
The un-manned rocket sat ready to go,
the crowd stood silently all in a row!
“Ten-Nine-Eight-Seven then Six,”
You could hear a spectator bite on a Twix!
Then all of a sudden there was a roar,
flames erupted across the grassy floor!
Slowly the rocket began to rise,
the Launch Director choked with surprise!
Rocket Roy threw his cap in the air,
“A successful launch I declare!
Now if you’d now like to follow me,
we’ll enjoy a celebratory cup of tea!”
…160 miles away in Old Brighouse,
confusion is caused by a smashed greenhouse!

Enjoy your day but always remember, what goes up must come down!
Some facts here may not be real (serving suggestion only).
Thank you to Royston Roger (aged 3) for todays photo!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Innocent Puppy?

Posted on December 28, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Having relaxed after our guests left on Boxing Day, yesterday was a day of tidying up. Unfortunately our puppy had other ideas, yet when it came to shouldering responsibility, put on the sweetest angelic face and denied all knowledge of the mess…

Yesterday morning,
we started clearing up.
Would have been easier
without a naughty pup!
There was a large bag,
of torn wrapping paper,
scattered over the floor,
it did me no favour!
In the middle,
sat the pup:
“It wasn’t me,
I’ve just got up!”
The old dog sighed,
all he had to say:
“Wasn’t there room
On Santa’s sleigh?”

If you are still clearing up after a merry time and looking for a distraction, would you like some four-legged help?

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Oats 2 Go!

Posted on December 23, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning we had an unexpected visitor to the farm. The mill that were expecting a load of oats on the 28th of this month rang to see if they could be collected earlier. This means that I can extend my holiday laziness for another few days after Christmas. I was so excited abut this prospect that I made a mess of loading the lorry…

Christmas holidays are almost here,
Santa Claus will appear,
I hope he isn’t in a rush,
what I need is a shovel and brush!
I loaded the lorry with such care,
didn’t want oats everywhere,
until the final bucket load,
I spilt them all across the road!
When the truck had left the farm,
I fetched the broom from the barn,
unfortunately it had bristles few,
I’d thought it would last ’till harvest new!
Then I heard a honking noise,
up came the geese, girls and boys!
much subdued, normally surly,
Santa, for them, had come early!

If I don’t see you before Sunday may I wish you a very happy Christmas. I hope Santa brings you all you desire and that you enjoy the day with those you love. BB

Shovelling Oats!

Posted on December 22, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I spent an hour shovelling oats ready for loading between Christmas and the New Year. The dust and seeds blew about the bin and soon I looked like ‘The Thing From The Oat Lagoon’. What was disconcerting was the amount that ended inside my overalls. I had also found it uncomfortable to sit throughout the day and it was only when I undressed for the bath that I discovered the reason….

Oats, oats, glorious oats!
Perfect for feeding,
People and goats,
Perfect for breakfast,
Or in cakes for your tea,
The versatile cereal,
Grown here by me!
But when you undress,
for hot bath ‘cos you smell,
Then you discover,
Oats in your socks (and pants as well!)

Have a great day and avoid that uncomfortable ‘Rogue Oat Feeling!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dangers of Trees!

Posted on December 20, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

This year I seem to have been accident-prone. I have fallen into the river: losing phone, wallet and glasses, Spilt coffee over my trusty laptop and broken my big yellow tractor more times than you could imagine. Last week I pulled hard on a rope which broke, leaving me flat on my back, I should have taken notice of this warning sign…

T’was driving around the farm,
just before lunch,
reversed the car,
something went crunch!
Out I got,
oh! stupid me!
The car had been hit,
by a rather large tree!
It jumped out,
from the hedge,
kicked the car,
on the quarter-light edge.
The mechanic said:
“What will you do?”
I replied:
“I think I’ll sue!”

Please take care out there, it’s an alarming world and Christmas is just around the corner.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Christmas Card

Posted on December 15, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I received an E-mail from a supplier to say that this year they aren’t sending out their annual Christmas card. This was a shame as the quality of card was way in excess of the value of customer I was, but it assured continuation of them on my supplier list. Oh well, that’s one less to write…

How long do you think,
Christmas cards will survive?
robins and angels,
Santa sleigh rides!
Has it come to pass,
messages of Joy Love and Peace,
are no longer required,
on the Nation’s mantlepiece?
How will we know,
of your great wonder-child,
when our little darlings,
are running wild!
(…we only need to look,
Oh! the joy of Facebook!)

To those for whom I have no address, please consider this is my Christmas card to you. May you find peace, joy, love and happiness this Christmas.
With love from the Baldock Bard.
P.S. For others, they’re in the post or in process of being written ‘the analogue way!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

The Old Friend!

Harvest Crisis Averted!

The Jump Start!

A Proper Farmer At Last!

Royston Roy’s Rocket!

The Innocent Puppy?

Oats 2 Go!

Shovelling Oats!

The Dangers of Trees!

The Christmas Card