The Mechanic’s Encore!

Posted on October 18, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Just when I thought that my saga of major breakdowns was over, I was stranded in a field a fair way from the farm with a tractor that refused to move. I only had a handkerchief-sized piece of the field left to plough. Enter stage left the ‘Mechanical Twins’ for another encore…

I’m thinking I shouldn’t be allowed near a tractor,
In the scheme of things I’m the weakest factor!
Every time I put on the plough,
I do some damage I don’t know how.
My latest damage was late at night,
Should have stopped after tea it wasn’t right,
I came to turn at the headland mark,
The tractor stopped as if resting in ‘park’.
Another visit from the mechanical twins,
(Who, we all know work magic on mechanical things!)
After an agonisingly slow journey back to the farm,
They inspected the tractor with some alarm,
Jonnie said, “I am truly very sorry”
“This tractor’s off to Luton we’ll send you a lorry!”
The other Jonnie smiled, with not much to say
‘Cos he’s off on holiday this Wednesday!

I have given myself a second written warning, one more and I could face the sack. Remember to appreciate your local mechanic, as they are the doctors and surgeons of the mechanical world. Yet again my thanks to Oliver Landpower of Luton and everyone who is trying to get me back in the furrow as soon as possible.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
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The Gulls Canteen!

Posted on October 13, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I don’t think I have ever seen so many gulls following the plough as I did yesterday. If I didn’t have to look forward to keep the wheels in the furrow I could watch them for hours. It is my excuse for a crooked furrow and I’m sticking to it…

There’s no orderly queue at the seagulls canteen,
it’s the most disorderly chaos you’ve ever seen!
They’re swooping and pooping – unbelievably rude!
there’s no decorum when they’re looking for food!
Finally just to show they’ve finished their meal,
they bomb the tractor to let you know how they feel!

…and I had run out of windscreen wash!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15^th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Internet-Ready Henz!

Posted on October 12, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the years we have had a variety of hens on the farm. Most have ended their days on the menu for Monsieur Reynard (the fox). We have had a variety of shapes, sizes and characters, however the current trio are possibly the funniest we’ve ever known…

The three hens on the farm
are internet-ready,
there’s Daphne, Sonja,
and one that’s called Freddie!
They look as if someone,
has used Photoshop,
to accentuate their markings,
not knowing when to stop!
They wander the farm,
like old ladies on the bus,
grumbling and gossiping,
and making a fuss!
Yes they’re ornamental,
of that there’s no doubt,
but to be perfectly honest,
it’s fun having them about!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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We Ploughed The Fields…

Posted on October 11, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, while waiting for the vicar to turn up at a primary school Harvest Festival, I re-wrote the words to the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ Post-Brexit it is possibly worth another try, so here goes…

We ploughed the fields and scattered,
with help from the EEC,
but now that we’re post-Brexit,
I’d better lobby my MP.

In Wales they’ll send inspectors,
to go and count the sheep,
don’t worry boys after twenty minutes,
they’ll be fast asleep!

All good grants around us,
will be cut without restrain,
they can’t cut,
no if nor but,
our soft refreshing rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Birthday Party!

Posted on October 10, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday the garden echoed to shrieks of joy from twenty-five pirates and princesses at my granddaughters fourth birthday party. What a wonderful sound, it is surely the greatest reward for a garden to be a place of innocent pleasure at an innocent age. I’m only sorry that the temperature wasn’t slightly warmer for the adults who bravely stood around while their charges rushed about and didn’t notice the slight chill…

Birthday parties haven’t changed much,
since when I was young,
children rush around the garden,
shouting and having fun!
Then the sandwiches appear,
squash at table places,
the birthday cake is passed around,
leaving creamy icing faces!
It’s back on the bouncy castle,
more time to rush around,
before young heads begin to droop,
tired and exhausted, home-bound!

Pirates and princesses reach their homes,
remember, just four years old,
They seek their beds without complaint,
without even being told!
…and so did an elderly ‘Bard-Pirate!’ (having been told off by a certain four-year-old for not dressing up enough!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Devious Tractor!

Posted on October 8, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Now my JCB tractor has been mended, it spends its day searching for new ways for me to re-employ those nice engineers that repaired it recently! It has shown it’s irritation with my non-co-operation by displaying a number of spurious warnings and buzzing it’s warning buzzer, very loudly. Frankly, I’m less than impressed…

My tractor really hates me,
It blames me for everything,
From making it work in the morning,
To the loss of another lynchpin!
Every so often it confuses me,
By identifying computer errors,
Yesterday it found 255,
Enough to spread the terrors!
However I knew how to sort it,
Even though attention it seek,
I simply stop and start the engine,
A tractor’s Control Alt Delete!

Today it is in the shed as I leave it to open the Baldock Car Boot Sale. Maybe it’ll have time to consider it’s actions! Have a great weekend everyone and stay safe!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Farmer’s Wife!

Posted on October 7, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of year farmer’s nerves are frayed, tempers are short and backsides sore from hours spent in a bumpy tractor seat. However there is one life-saving member of the team who is unseen, un-thanked and generally un-waged – it is the Farmer’s wife. Without her the autumn cultivations, and much more, would fall apart…

Mrs Bard’s day isn’t going to plan,
delivers lunch to her old man,
then it’s off to fetch spare parts,
there’s no time to bake jam tarts!
Very soon it’s time for tea,
out to the field to a grumpy ‘He’.
Late at night in darkness now,
a tired grumpy man arrives for ‘chow’.
Dust-fill nostrils make him snore,
then it’s up with the lark
…it starts once more!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Bossy Spider!

Posted on October 6, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, while using the smallest room in the house, I came across one of the largest spiders I’ve ever seen. As per usual I took a photo. When I looked closely, the damn spider was laughing at me and pointing to cracks in the wall. Rather than waste a picture I have used it and promise that when all the landwork is finished I shall do some DIY…

The largest spider in our house,
is big enough to frighten a mouse,
it sits waiting in the downstairs loo,
to leap out at users and shout ‘Boo!”
Yesterday it suggested to me,
things were not as things should be!
I should forget the tractor and just try,
to try my hand at some DIY!
“Look at how I have to live,
These cracks in the wall are massive,
Unless you deal with them real soon,
I shall be forced to move to a different room!”

…with apologies to all arachnophobes for not posting a warning.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Cossack-Style Farming!

Posted on October 5, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Did you ever watch a display by Cossack riders where they rode two horses at once around a ring whilst standing up? As a child I remember being awe-struck at this remarkable feat. Yesterday I attempted to multi-task, delivering seed in half-ton bags to the drill and rolling in behind with my newly-mended JCB Fastrac. I also managed to go and fetch more seed from a neighbouring farm and get to my granddaughter’s fourth birthday party…

Just like a Cossack,
I’m a rushin’ about,
rolling and driving,
while no laws do I flout!
The drill is kept going,
the rolling proceeds,
while fetching and carrying,
big bags of seeds!
At about four o’clock,
everything stops,
sing ‘Happy Birthday’
then back to my crops!
Later in the darkness,
my day is done,
the life of a farmer,
is filled with such fun!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Twins Win – Again!

Posted on October 4, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I was wondering just how and when I would be able to finish the ploughing and roll the seed after the drill. Almost a fortnight ago I had broken the tractor for a second time in two weeks (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8779) and since then it has sat forlornly in a corner of the shed, its rear end in bits and minus two wheels. I had been told that the parts were on back order (the computer says ‘No!’) and there wasn’t much hope before November. So it was with surprise that when I walked into the shed yesterday afternoon the ‘Mechanical Twins’ (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8767) were back and the tractor was almost whole again…

When Jonny and Jonny (the mechanical twins),
appear on the farm everyone wins!
A two-wheeled tractor wasn’t going anywhere,
is all of a sudden running and fair!
This farmer who had been feeling down in the dumps,
is up and smiling even feeling goose bumps!
Out in the field later today,
a bright yellow tractor will be back at farm-play!

Thanks are due to the ‘Twins’ and also to Colin in the workshop and everyone at Oliver Landpower of Luton who worked their own brand of magic and made the back-order become a front-order so the tractor was repaired in under half the expected time. Also thanks to James for offering the borrow of his tractor.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

The Mechanic’s Encore!

The Gulls Canteen!

Internet-Ready Henz!

We Ploughed The Fields…

The Birthday Party!

The Devious Tractor!

The Farmer’s Wife!

The Bossy Spider!

Cossack-Style Farming!

The Twins Win – Again!