Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

Trouble with Rats!

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IMG_2629This winter has been so mild that the most unwanted pests on the farm have been prolific breeders. Their increased numbers have led to me buying ever greater quantities of ‘food’ for them. In desperation I have tried blue grain and blue pellets. Now pellets of a different kind have been brought to bear…

“Come and get it!” I shout in the yard,
if anyone saw me they’d be sure to laugh hard.
I have my bucket and my little green scoop,
as I search for evidence of collective rat poop!
What they don’t expect is Russell with gun,
armed with night-vision to spoil all their fun,
they don’t realise as vermin they play,
a small grey pellet is about to ruin their day.

As part of my traceability certification that I need to have (in order to sell crops), I have to have ‘rodent eradication policies’ in place. Thanks to Russell these are now working well! However I am shortly going on a course to learn about using rat bait (something I’ve been doing for over 40 years quite successfully). Without yet another certificate, I shall not be able to buy or use rat poison after April as ‘grandfather rights’ are due to be abolished. I suppose at least it keeps faceless desk-jockeys in work dreaming up ever-more dastardly restrictions! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Farm Breakdown!

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SocketsThere are few things more soul-destroying than when machines go wrong. They never seem to breakdown in the shed when they are resting, but always when you are up against it! Last night while moving linseed in the grain store things went wrong…

Break out the sockets,
hammer as well,
the grain’s stopped moving,
why? I can’t tell.
Down into the pit,
where grain has spilt,
the funnel’d part,
has quite a tilt.
Give it three clouts,
(and one for luck!)
t’was all my fault,
‘what a Schmuck!’

One of these days I might learn not to overload the system. Many years ago my old boss used to say: “Patience and perseverance can piddle a hole in a stone!” Should have listened to him.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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It’s Monday!

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Hungry DucksThis morning is one of those typical mouldy winter days. Mild temperatures, raining hard and soft squidgy grass and fields. However cold weather is forecast so maybe winter is on its way…

It’s Monday,
it’s dull,
it’s raining,
in Hull?

But into every life,
a little rain must fall,
the ducks are at the trough,
look like a rugby maul.

In the next few days,
colder temperatures here,
for their breakfast,
the ducks will appear!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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A Case of Minor Flooding!

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floodingWe have a small flood on our land. A drainage pipe has broken and the rain water can’t get away to the ditch. Looking at it the other day, I couldn’t help but think of those from the North and Scotland who have acres under water. The media may have gone to stories new but the problems remain. You don’t have to look far to find someone who is worse off…

There’s a flood on the farm,
water on the ground,
but it’s not an emergency,
the cause is soonest found!
A drainage pipe is broken,
will be repaired when dry,
when the water has all soaked away,
underneath a warm blue sky!
But further to the North,
much land is now a lake,
the media now have now gone,
unseen chaos in their wake.

Please don’t forget both householders, businesses and farmers who have suffered so much over the Christmas period, we should count our blessings every day.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The New Year Tradition!

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Tone's CoatThere is one part of New Year that is a traditional as fireworks and ‘Auld Lang Syne!’ When guests have finally wended their way back to whence they came, the trawl nets are put out to see what has been left behind! The one benefit of this practice is that it shows they will probably return and their rushed departure was unlikely to have been the result of anything you said. This years prize goes to Tony from North of Birmingham…

“I left my hat in Arfordshire,
Along with my old coat,
I hope that they take care of them,
Don’t feed them to a goat!”

“Cos if they mislaid my dear old coat,
It could get quite smelly,
Oh good grief I just realised,
They’ve also got my welly!”

We looked around our outhouse,
To see what we could see,
The coat’s in better condition,
Than the one that belongs to me!

The hat I will admit,
Has seen better days,
But it’s in a Staffordshire tweed,
Not equipped for Southern rays!

So we’ll put it out for the Postie,
That should be a breeze,
Cos if Old Tone hasn’t got his coat,
The poor old Bugger’ll freeze!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




 

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New Year Predictions!

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Old YearHere we are standing at the gate that leads to a new year. Just about every media outlet is crammed with predictions: political, social and environmental. As none of them can possibly know with any degree of certainty, I wish they’d just zip it and let it happen…

So many people,
are prone to write,
next year forecasts,
seldom right.

So I thought,
(don’t wish to sneer),
I’d simply wish you,
Happy New Year!

Have a very Happy New Year and stay safe.
Baldock Bard (1,171 posts and still going!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Daffodils in December!

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December DaffsYesterday Mrs Bard and I went to see my elderly father. He had been busy, preparing smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad and mince pies. However, just before our arrival, he’d been to a sheltered part of his garden and picked some flowering daffodils! This is a time for panic, run for the hills…

There are Daffs in December,
we need an answer NOW!
We’re all much more intelligent,
must be a ‘What?’ or ‘How?’

Set up an enquiry!
Consultants by the score!
Lease an expensive building,
and then employ some more!

The enquiry takes two years,
millions it has cost,
any agreed outcomes,
unfortunately lost!

Before we all panic,
we should perhaps remember,
a mild and wet winter,
may bring Daffodils in December!

There is an upside! my late-drilled wheat looks like it will feed even more mouths thanks to the mild weather.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Annual Guestimation Day!

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Baldock wheatEach year, just after Christmas, I have to dust off my crystal ball, clean my rose-tinted spectacles and unleash my forecast pencil! By New Year’s Eve I will have had to prepare a forecast of what wheat tonnage I will have to sell (after harvest in approx 8 months time!) to send to my wheat trader, Charles…

I put the drone up over the fields,
I asked her to forecast exactly the yields,
she flew around the crops unseen,
“They all look like grass, so very green!”
I asked my computer to calculate,
the wheat I’d have if harvest was late.
The cursor blinked, no numbers told,
I’d inputted no data of how much to be sold!

So I resorted to methods used down the ages,
previous yields put down on pages.
These I averaged using basic sums,
on my eight fingers and two thumbs!
Now I’ve a figure to call my own,
sent it in? I used the phone!
Modern methods play their part?
Nah! Just the guesses of a silly old fart!

The old men in the graveyard, are looking down on me,
“We didn’t have drone or computer – knew our fields yer see!”
Computer ScreenWith thanks to Charles Laughlin and all at Fengrain for their support during these difficult times in farming. It is always useful to have a strong ally working on your behalf. www.fengrain.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Olympic Christmas!

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IMG_2402At the closing ceremony of each Olympic Games, the head of the IOC traditionally says: “These were the most successful games” (or similar). After Christmas many lucky families will be considering the same statement, ignorant of those whose holiday has been marred in some way. The Bards have been incredibly lucky to have had a ‘most successful Christmas’…

When our Christmas guests appear,
no ‘Good Grief! They are here!’
No panicked thoughts, ‘Is the bird defrosted?’
mildest weather, the ground’s not frosted.
No missing ingredients (once shops have closed),
What was absent? Nobody knows!
An amateur chef made a stunning trifle,
had three helpings, until-I-full.
Sylvanian creatures on the floor,
knelt on one, now knee is sore.
There were those who slept and those who snored,
and those whose limit of port ignored!
“The dining room smells like a park?”
(a certain terrier had left its mark!)
We were so absorbed, no one said ‘Hey!’
many presents not opened ‘til Boxing Day.
Some say Christmas can be quite stressful,
luckily ours was ‘most successful!’

With very best wishes to you all, I hope your Christmas was equally successful.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Christmas Guests!

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Christmas is just two days away and unexpected guests turn up! A flock of Canada Geese have thoroughly upset our home crew and I foresee trouble around the table! Harmony and festive spirit are in short supply and before the festivities are over there may be hissing, spitting and raised honking’s…

Christmas is coming,
the geese are getting fat,
they aren’t for the table,
too cantankerous for that!

They don’t like sharing wheat,
grass is all their own,
then some distant cousins,
come to invade their home!

We think we are unique,
bad-mood-aunty at the table,
but at least we have crackers,
(a hat for Aunty Mabel!)

If you’re fed up with TV
it makes you wonder ‘why’?
look out in the field,
and watch the feathers fly!

It should be noted at this point that our guests are always well behaved!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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