Farming on Mars!

Posted on December 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is much joy and celebration at the successful ascent to the International Space Station of British astronaut Tim Peake. It has given this nation something to celebrate after a long period of bad news. It makes one wonder what will be the next milestone…

The very first farmer on Mars,
said to astronaut Lars:
“I can’t seem to sleep,
no counting of sheep,
but plenty of rocks and some stars!”

Congratulations to Tim Peake from all of us looking up at you. Stay safe and enjoy the next six months!

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Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

Posted on December 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard is a great cook. Sometimes, during intimate candle-lit evenings, we can be found watching cookery programmes! However when Mrs Bard is away, I flounder with fish, fail to greet meat and survive on temperate toast. This weekend, when I had a guest for supper, I attempted to be as adventurous as a Masterchef contestant. After all, how difficult can it be to ‘take a dish to another level’…

I went to the freezer to grab me a meal,
it always looks easy when cooking by feel!
I grabbed a package whose label had gone,
Into the microwave, set for how long?
When defrosted I looked at the mess,
could have been anything I must confess.
I added tinned tomatoes like Mrs Bard does,
creating a creation gave me quite a buzz.
Into the fridge and poured in some cream,
was looking peculiar, not the best I have seen.
Found in the cupboard a can of baked beans,
looked more like a one pot seen in canteens.
Italian mate Tony always adds pasta,
It think it makes cooking go a bit fasta!
At last it was ready, my guest at the table,
I’d plied him with drink so eat he’d be able.
After a mouthful, to me he did turn:
“For heaven’s sake Bard, when does she return?”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Bogged Down near Baldock!

Posted on December 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the weekend I’ve played host to a guest from the West Country. Whereas our annual rainfall is measured in inches, down there they measure it in feet! I showed my ignorance of recent weather conditions by driving my guest across a rather damp field with unexpected but obvious consequences…

“Just here is something I want to show,
Oh dear, we seem to be going slow,
I fear the ground is rather wet,
and this 4×4 is about to get set!”

I put the gearstick into ‘low’
not an inch further did we go,
the wheels had dug themselves a slot,
any forward motion was soon forgot!

I rang John, “Could you possibly bring,
the JCB Loadall forklift thing!”
He arrived with a chain,
to pull us onto the dry again!

So if you make yourself look a fool,
Make sure you have a ‘John’ to call.
And if you’ve no John (or one that suits)
make sure you’re wearing Wellington boots!
With grateful thanks to John for saving the day and to my guest for covering my embarrassment! Next time I shall eschew laziness, put on wellies and walk!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Dangerous Decorations!

Posted on December 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I ventured down into the cellar to fetch the decorations for our Christmas tree. I found the box, climbed over the general stored detritus and made my way up the concrete steps to where my granddaughter waited to help me with the tree. Unfortunately I wasn’t looking where I was going…

Beware of Christmas decorations,
When they’ve been away for a year,
They can spell disaster,
Cause strange happenings I hear!
I collected a box from the cellar,
Up the steps did slip,
Now my face is all disfigured,
By a boxer-like fat lip!

… and World-Heavyweight Boxer, Tyson Fury, was nowhere near!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Flood Gates!

Posted on December 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There has been heavy rain (40mm) and flooding in parts of the North West over the weekend. Houses have been flooded, power supplies cut and everyday lives disrupted. Soon the media will move elsewhere and little will be done until next time…

There’s flooding up in Cumbria,
the media is there in force,
looking for tomorrow’s pictures,
in the middle of floods – a horse!
Schools are empty and silent,
children shelter from the rain,
when they go back to the classroom,
Climate change will shoulder the blame!

Apparently poor quality flood defences built after the last time are holding back the dispersal of the flood water! Typical of a job poorly planned and carried out on an inadequate budget. Government cuts budgets at home to pay for foreign aid including flood protection in foreign countries.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Bean Sweeper!

Posted on December 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was due a lorry to collect a load of beans. This meant sweeping a bin of beans under a time constraint (it’s a cardinal sin on a farm to keep a lorry waiting). As I’m old and decrepit, I was concerned that it also may knacker me for good! Enter Russ stage left…

If the AA is the fourth emergency service…
then my mate Russ is the fifth!
When he offered to help sweep some beans,
I thought he was taking the pith!
The lorry arrived on the farm,
Russ rushed into the bin,
an hour later he surfaced,
beneath the sweat was a grin!
He announced to any who’d listen,
(just me, so no need to shout!)
“Bring on the next bin of beans,
that was better than a trainers work-out!”
Everyone needs a Russ in their lives, it makes all the difference!
© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Look of Guilt!

Posted on December 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Having been away for a few days, we returned home to discover a dog in disgrace. I knew the look, I’ve seen it many times before usually when the accused is caught helping herself to food from the table or larder…

Dog sits in shame in the corner,
she knows full well what she’s done,
guilt written over her face,
she’s stolen a cake or a bun!
But no! This time it is different,
apparently she thinks she’s a cat,
she’s eaten a bowl-full of cat treats,
the evidence, her stomach, is fat!

But she was very pleased to see us and has pronounced herself ‘not guilty’ as the cats told her she could help herself and it was our fault for leaving her behind in the first place!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Old Age Education

Posted on December 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It has been said that life is circular. We start off totally reliant on others, go through a learning phase with education, reproduce, then at an advanced age once again becoming reliant on others. I seem to be going through a second ‘education phase’ the first one having been spectacularly unsuccessful…

I went to Harper Adams University,
an agricultural drone course just for pilots,
we learnt farmers growing produce,
fields of crops not pots of violets!

In a classroom we studied Powerpoint
“This is wheat,” the lecturer said,
I became confused and worried,
most of it went over my head!

When I was young farming was simple,
wellies tweed cap and a dog!
Now I’m aged I learn new phrases,
Precision Farming with my drone log!

I don’t seem able to stop learning,
unfortunately it’s just too late,
not long from now I’ll be retiring,
overeducated to shut the gate!

With many thanks to all those at Harper Adams University College who made an old man most welcome. I just wish I’d been forty years younger!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Friday Beans!

Posted on November 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I have to move beans from the store to the barn in preparation for a lorry next week. Field beans are not only very dusty but also extremely noisy, so I’m in for a peaceful morning, not…

Beans, beans, good for the heart,
moving them is quite an art.
The more you move them,
the more knackered you feel
‘tis why moving beans has no appeal!

Here’s hoping your day is more peaceful than mine. Have a great weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Dustie!

Posted on November 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came out of the grain store, as usual covered in dust. During the wheat sweeping process I’d been immersed in dense dust and with chaff blown around by the air sweep floors of the bins. These are supposed to clear the bins, however, like me, they are old and knackered and so help is needed…

I came out of the store covered in dust,
I thought to myself ‘a selfies’ a must!
Dust and wheat were everywhere,
down my back and in my hair.
On my shoulders it lay like freshly-fallen snow,
you’ll never guess where grains can go!
I went to the workshop to the compressor so trusty,
but before I used it I posed for a ‘Dustie!’

Have a great dust-free day!

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

Farming on Mars!

Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

Bogged Down near Baldock!

Dangerous Decorations!

The Flood Gates!

The Bean Sweeper!

The Look of Guilt!

Old Age Education

Friday Beans!

The Dustie!