Out Into The Sunlight!

Posted on May 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Can you remember the exhilaration you felt when coming out into the sunlight after a school or university exam? I can’t, I’m far too old to remember back that far! However the rush of adrenaline felt when I came out into the sunlight having delivered, and had inspected, my Bank Holiday’s paperwork ( http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6987 ), would probably have come near! I had made a number of mistakes that were spotted by eagle-eyed Sandra from the RPA (Rural Payments Agency) before she stamped my paperwork and receipt. I have nothing but praise for this government agency as they have been ever-helpful and kind to this dim-witted farmer. So that’s it for another twelve months and I can breathe again…

Sandra stamped the certificate of receipt,
This meant for me the nightmare was complete!
A form fully filled without mistake,
Means a good nights sleep without being wide-awake!
Worrying do I need an RLE1?
Or mark on maps any changes done?
The deadline for forms is nineteen days time,
I can’t believe that they’ve got mine!
I can only thank those from the RPA,
Who have eased my despair and led me to this day!
I have never been so happy to walk out of a door,
And see the day’s bright sunshine once more!

*I was so stunned at having actually achieved the goal that I took a picture of the government offices at Cambridge, hence the rather strange photo above!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Every Saturday until the end of October
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Precious Learns!

Posted on May 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On April 30^th I told you about the arrival of our five goslings: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6898. Unfortunately we only have one left, the others having either been left behind as the geese travel vast distances around the farm or were killed by the fox. As a result the proud Mummy and Daddy (or Mummy and Mummy, or Daddy and Daddy!) are less than friendly towards me and guard ‘Precious’ very closely…

“Get away! Get away!
Don’t you come near.
We’ll make you sorry,
with a bite on your ear!”

“We’ll then chase you,
around the farm,
pen you in a corner,
and break your arm!”

“What’s that you’re carrying?
Could it be food?
To bite the hand that feeds us,
would be very rude!”

“Go on Precious,
say ‘Hello’
He’s come to feed us,
and then he’ll go!”

“Thank you Mr Farmer,
For the handful of wheat,
Do come again tomorrow,
with tasty food to eat!”

Bank Holiday Paperwork!

Posted on May 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday I spent another seven hours struggling with BPS ( the government’s complicated new agricultural claims procedure). The high point of the exercise was speaking to Jill on their helpline -YES! Open on a Sunday! Although I asked questions that would not have been out of place in a primary classroom, she was very patient and led me by the hand through some very complicated regulations. However three hours later something was missing…

Has anyone seen 1.8 hectares?
It seems to have vanished from sight,
It was certainly there yesterday morning,
It must have gone away overnight!
I have worn out a calculator,
My brain sees figures no more,
I’m suffering a lack of sunlight,
Will have to get out of the door!

It’s now Bank Holiday Monday,
And I’m ready to go once again,
I think I’m almost on top of it,
Compared to last year it’s a pain!
I’ve got a secret weapon,
That just could save my life,
She’ll check out all of my figures,
It’s what is known as a wife!

A Farmer’s Wife – Every farmer should have one. In good times and bad, in poverty and wealth, in lambing and shearing, in planting and in harvest and in calculations and form-filling!
With thanks also to the kind folk at the Rural Payments Agency who are working so hard to help administer an ill-conceived and over-complicated claims proceedure that’s not of their making, while dealing with often fraught farmers with genorosity of spirit and kindness.

Wife in a Cage!

Posted on May 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other evening when most people were sensibly having supper and relaxing, Mrs Bard climbed into a cage! While I would not dream of putting her there, and suspending her high above the ground, the creeper on the house was growing out of control. For those readers who may consider me to be a heartless-so-and-so, she was wearing a full safety harness and I was extra vigilant at the controls…

I put my wife in a cage,
She went in of her own accord,
She ripped the creeper off the house,
No-one can say she’s bored!
Gravity helped remove the plant,
It lay strewn across the ground,
and “Will you now let me out!”
Echoed all around!

Ah! The joys of being a farmer’s wife!

The Heavyweight Crunch!

Posted on May 22, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Accidents don’t just happen, so the saying goes. Oh yes they do! How much damage can you do by simply backing the JCB Loadall forklift out of the barn? The large steel weight at the rear may not bend but son-in-law John’s car did yesterday evening…

I heard a slight crunch,
From the cab of the Loadall,
As I backed from the shed,
Slower than Toad of Toadhall.
Johns rear indicator,
In hundreds of pieces,
as if chewed by a rat,
Or twenty small mices!
I couldn’t believe it,
Well fancy that,
Accidents don’t just happen,
They are caused (by me), a prat!

This endorsement has been tried and tested over the years!

19th May 1979

Posted on May 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On the 19th of May 1979 I got married in a chapel in a little village in South Wales. I remember being surprised that anyone would want to become Mrs Bard and even more surprised when she said “I do!”. In the thirty-six years since then I remain surprised every anniversary when I wake and she’s still there. When people say “I wouldn’t change a thing” I know what they mean…

If someone asked me,
What’s the secret to life?
I’d say without hesitation:
A wonderful wife.

And if they asked,
What, a good partnership makes,
I’d say: Laugh, Love,
Give and Take.

…but most of all simple old-fashioned friendship!
Mrs Bard deserves a medal for putting up with me for all these years!

The Early Phone Call

Posted on May 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When you run an event that involves a phone number you have to be polite at all times. However this can be a tad difficult when a ‘Sir’ rings before daybreak! What I enjoy most of all is to be woken by a request for information about another boot sale miles away…

Good morning world
it’s a brand new day!
“Is your boot sale on today?”

“Good morning sir,
may I just say,
It’s ten past four on Saturday!”

“Is it on?
I need the facts,
before I leave for Halifax!”

“Goodbye sir
that’s nice to know
this is Baldock, now off you go! “

The pillow’s cold,
my wife’s awake,
might as well get up “For heaven’s sake!”

Please do call,
my fault my phone,
a personal service not answerphone!

Acquired at Auction!

Posted on May 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I called in on a local auction where they were disposing of all the fixtures, furnishings and stock of a local saddlery company following the death of its owners. It was sad to see the end of an era, however good to see such interest. Despite having an itchy nose, following a trip to the dentist, I came away without a purchase, however it could have been so different…

I went to a countryside auction,
I sat in the very last row.
The auctioneer spoke very quickly:
“Everything here has to go!”

I had this itch on my nose,
I’d been to the dentist you see,
Whenever I scratched the itch on my nose,
He put the lot down to me!

I bought a small wooden donkey,
A figurine perched on a base,
A couple of ladies sidesaddles,
Some hairnets and a large box of lace!

So if you go to an auction,
(You’ve seen Bargain Hunt on the TV!)
Sit on your hands looking down,
or you’ll end up with lots just like me!

Bayles Auctioneers hold regular auctions and are kind to new buyers and sellers!
They can be contacted at colinbayles@hotmail.com

Beautiful Bluebells!

Posted on May 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Walking around the farm with a measuring wheel gives an opportunity to see what is normally rushed by. At this time of year we are generally busy fertilizer spreading or working our way through paperwork and it is all too easy to miss the splendor of the woodland Bluebells apart from a blur of purple from the tractor seat. This year I was determined to take a closer look at the flower that is leading a poll as the nations favourite…

The Bluebell is the sweetest, of all the woodland flowers,
But picked and transported, it only lasts for hours.
It’s the woodlands Wilton carpet, a veritable purple haze,
Normally seen from a tractor seat on fertilizer days!
On its own, tiny bells, so delicate and petite,
A host of them is needed to make the scene complete.
So forget your wanderings ‘all lonely as a cloud,’
And shout out for Bluebells that make the Nation proud!

Wheely Good Exercise!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a very fraught time on the farm. In order to satisfy EU and UK red tape we are in paperwork mode and deadlines loom. This means checking and rechecking that the areas of the farm are correct. So the measuring wheel comes to the fore and exercise is taken. Forget the gym membership, go measure a field…

I went for a walk with a Mr Wheel,
Not used to walking, you’ll know how I feel!
He trundled along at quite a pace,
I said “slow down, it’s not a race!”

But he kept on, his numbers counting,
I struggled to keep up, calories-used mounting!
After three field headlands, I was no longer brave,
Passing cars tooted, passengers waved!

With all this walking, I suddenly found,
My loosened trousers fell to the ground!
So please Mr Regulator, may I appeal?
If my figures are wrong, please blame the wheel!

So if you see a farmer ‘enjoying’ a brisk walk,
Please don’t interrupt him and try to talk,
Because he’ll be breathless, unable to speak,
I suggest you wave and try again next week!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life