Eclipse Special Edition!

Posted on March 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the 11^th of August 1999? Do you recall standing about outside looking in vain towards the heavens for an eclipse that was totally obscured by cloud? Way back then I wrote two eclipse-style verses. I thought today might be a good excuse to reprint them and add a third and fourth…

6/8/99 Heralding the event of the year – the total eclipse of the sun.
I bought two thousand hand torches
At an auction near Morden in May
They’ve littered my house since I bought them
My wife said “Take them away”
On my stall at the boot sale near Baldock
ECLIPSE TORCHES – BUY ONE TODAY!
Sold them all to the fact I was shouting
“Don’t get caught in the dark on Wednesday!”

Wednesday August 11th 1999 The eclipse happened but was generally spoilt by cloud and rain.
I went down West to watch the eclipse
A once-in-a-lifetime not to be missed
I spent all Tuesday in a traffic jam
Would’ve arrived far sooner in a vintage tram!
I set up camp in a farmer’s field
More money than corn, tents can yield!
I bought special specs to protect my eyes
The money I spent was the real surprise
I waited and watched to no avail
It was cloudy and damp like last week’s boot sale!
I ended up cold broke and smelly
I’d have seen far more at home on telly!

Friday 20th March 2015
Plus ça change, so some say,
Another eclipse is here today,
They forecast cloud maybe rain,
We’ll not see very much again.
Perhaps we should have gone elsewhere,
To see if viewing’s better there,
But the finest view we’ll get today,
Is via the internet, the modern way!
There’s bound to be a clever-clog,
A picture on his ‘me me’ blog!
Don’t be jealous, don’t turn green,
He’s stolen the picture from another screen!

Wednesday, August 12th 2026,
(to be continued….maybe!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Les Visiteurs Canadien!

Posted on March 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many events that remind us how life is circular. Every year on the farm, like all the best hotels, visitors arrive and visitors depart. Some were born here and have returned whereas for some it is their first visit…

Monsieur et Madame Canadien Goose,
Doreen et sa cherie Bruce,
Arrived back on the farm last week,
(They’ve been dancing cheek to cheek!).
Very soon, (she’s getting fatter),
There will be a pitter-patter!
Of tiny geese who then will grow,
Learn to fly then off they’ll go!
And sometime at this time next year,
More Canadian Geese appear!
Life becomes one great event,
That’s repeated and heaven sent!

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

The Wimp Goes Hunter Gathering!

Posted on March 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I was never much good at History when I was at school. I always believed it to be this week’s best, or at least most plausible, take on past times, tainted by modern ideology. There is a theory that apparently suggests that ancient farmers started off as wimpy, stay-at-home, mummy’s skirt-clutchers, whilst macho big-brothers went off hunter-gathering. This week I’ve been doing some hunter-gathering for a change…

I went to fetch the cultivator,
From its hibernation place,
I noticed some tines were broken,
And the points were a disgrace!
I had a quick ring round,
Alas none to be had,
“I’m afraid they’re on back-order,
The situation’s bad!”

So I ventured from the caveside,
Trusty hound by my side,
Harnessed the Mitsubishi,
A nice day for a ride!
Doug, a kindly Biggleswader,
Behind the counter at ABA,
Sourced everything I needed,
And sent me on my way!

So if you’re afraid of leaving your cave,
And venturing beyond the hill,
Visit Doug at Biggleswade,
For a hunting-gathering thrill!

Many thanks to Doug who went well beyond the call of duty and wore out his computer mouse locating and securing the parts I needed. Everyone needs a Doug on their side when hunter-gathering!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lucky Chimney Sweeps!

Posted on March 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Luck comes in all shapes and sizes! This week I’ve discovered that Julie Andrews was right when, as Mary Poppins, she sang “A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!” For some time our Aga cooker has not been working properly. Aga repair man and magician, Duncan, was considering coming to stay on a permanent basis. We came to the conclusion that the fault lay within our chimney. Our usual sweep had retired so we stepped into the unknown, went online and trusted to luck…

Oh heaven’s above what can we do,
We need a chimney sweep to sort out our flue!
We went online, ‘sweeping services’ looking,
Mrs Bard is cross, she can’t do any cooking!
Mr Daniels and Gareth arrived on the scene,
They looked the real deal their faces weren’t too clean!
Out with the rods, the power vacuum too,
And as quick as a flash the first chimney like new!
Then to the kitchen, this was a different matter,
Sticks from nests soon descended with a clatter!
They cleaned up all the mess and thus proved to me,
A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!

The moral of the tale is twofold: Money spent on a good quality chimneyguard is money never wasted and a Smiling-Sweep is more than worth his weight in gold!
*Also available at http://www.chimneysweep.info/

Watery Weekend Terriers!

Posted on March 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a narrow-boat. Our terriers seemed to like their watery weekend! They were very well behaved until it was time for bed…

Double decker warming, sitting by the fire,
The old dog’s below, the younger is higher!
The old dog then barks, as if there’s an intruder,
The younger starts to yap, is it time for food-er?
But when it’s finally time, to make up the bed,
One ends on the pillow, the other by my leg!
They don’t understand weekends it’s like any other day,
Come early morning, it’s ‘get up now we say!’
I struggle up to let them out so they can shake a leg,
I turn around twice, they’ve sneaked back to bed!

The Journey to Work!

Posted on March 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a time when it was forecast that computers would spell the end of commuters! Judging by the daily stampede for the station, the prediction was wrong. Many people I know commute every day into the Capital, many like me walk a few yards to work. Sometimes the different tribes look at each other across the fence…

Packed into the carriage like sardines,
Off to the city they go,
Each commuter an island,
As they rattle too and fro!

Old Bill drives his tractor,
Practicing his craft,
Muttering to himself every day:
“And they thinks I is daft!”

Have a good day, wherever you are and however you got there!

Lions and Lambs in March!

Posted on March 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather in March can always be uncertain. The days are getting longer however it is a month of ‘two coats’. ‘Two coats’ is the difference between standing out of the wind in the sunshine and standing in the shade! It is also a month for lambs and lions…

Yesterday was a cold crispy morning,
Sunshine later, added some warming.
After lunch wouldn’t you know?
The sky grew dark and we had snow!
But this weather could be a sham,
March, In like a lion, out like a lamb!

…better get those barbecues ready for the end of the month!

Bertie the Buzzard

Posted on March 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As a farmer I consider myself lucky to be able to observe wild birds and animals at close quarters. Sometimes habits are observed that almost display human qualities. Occasionally I hand out names…

Bertie the Buzzard sits by the road,
On a thin branch that just copes with his load,
He watches the traffic, lorries and cars,
I wonder if his thoughts are similar to ours!
Has he worked out by observing behaviour,
That mans rushing about gives him roadkill to savour!
Or does he just sit there thinking of love?
That may possibly end with a mate from above,
Who circles the sky in sun and in rain,
Saying “There’s that Bertie – watching traffic again!”
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Around Baldock With A Fridge!

Posted on February 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, author Tony Hawks wrote the book, ‘Round Ireland with a Fridge’ where he travelled the Emerald Isle with a small fridge in tow! The other day I took an old fridge to the local tip. Alas it was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday, so the domestic appliance stayed in the car for two days. I became rather attached to it…

I’m driving around Baldock with a Refrigerator,
Will drop it off at the local tip later!
“Is that a fridge you’ve got there Mate?”
Is a phrase I’ve come to hate!
It’s been to Tesco, Sainsburys too,
It now wants to visit the zoo!
It’s joined me for a takeaway,
Wants to take tea at the Ritz one day!
Didn’t think much to the local park,
Or being left in the car when it was dark!
It then demanded a friend to play,
So I left it at the tip and drove away!

…the car seemed very empty and I was considering going to retrieve it until I found an old rusty barbecue!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life