We have twelve ‘guard geese’ on the farm. Around the middle of December they become a little wary and nervous. I’ve never got around to telling them that their purpose is to guard the farm and not grace a plate at Christmas, it keeps them on their toes…
Our geese have been celebrating of late,
Because they’ve avoided the Christmas plate!
The same can’t be said of Turkey Murray,
‘Cos he’s now become turkey curry!
The geese have returned to imposing fear,
As they prepare to celebrate another New Year!
© Baldock Bard 2014
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Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life
Post Christmas Postures!
Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…
A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!
A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!
Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!
The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)
In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!
© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Christmas Haircut!
Our neighbour, Laura, a very talented hairdresser (The Loft, Hitchin), arrived yesterday afternoon to do Mrs Bard’s hair. What I didn’t expect were the appearance of ropes, shackles and leg-irons! I was tied to a chair as she bravely attacked my hair! I fought back with Green Coke and Dairylea Dunkers…
The lovely Laura cut my hair,
On her day off, it wasn’t fair,
For her to trim an aged Plunker,
While I was munching a Dairylea Dunker!
Now I never look at my face,
So my hair remains a disgrace,
However she took it all in her stride,
And now I look like a blushing bride!
…Ok! That last bit is a lie, it looks much better than it has done for ages apparently!
Many thanks to Laura, a Snipping Superstar.
© Baldock Bard 2014
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No Berries this Christmas!
Yesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…
There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
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Ducklings in December!
Sometimes I wake and think “What am I going to give my wonderful readers today?” I wandered downstairs in the dark as I have a lorry to load. It was bleak and cold as I opened the door for two hesitant terriers to salute the morning. Sitting in front of Madame Computer, I looked through a file of photos hoping for some sort of bleary inspiration to appear (aided no doubt by the blend of beans in my large steaming mug!). Suddenly some ducklings appeared on the screen. “Ducklings in December?” my brain screamed, “That’s just plain wrong!”…
There’s nothing like ducklings on a Thursday
To make everyone go “Aaah!”
Because a Thursday in December,
Can be depressing, under par!
It’s dark and cold in the mornings,
A commute devoid of chucklings,
So it’s good to have a springtime reminder,
Of warmer days and ducklings!
….sorry! Have a great Thursday.
© Baldock Bard 2014
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All Crisp and Even!
There is something utterly magical about a frosty morning. The frost clings to the trees and drives away the slushy wet mud that is a trademark of damp winter mornings. At this time of year we know that worse is yet to come. However if it were summer every day we’d long for winter…
The frost hangs from the willow tree,
A sparkling ball-gown for all to see,
Glass like ice on the puddles below,
Quickly inside to central heating we go!
A bowlful of soup with crusty warm bread,
Mug of hot chocolate before going to bed!
Pull up the duvet, banish the chill,
Up with the heating it’s freezing still…
…until you are woken by the alarm clock and forced out into a cold, dark and bleak farmyard to load a lorry. Winter is here!
© Baldock Bard 2014
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Tractor Girl’s Ultimate Tractor Trip!
The media have been reporting this week that a Dutch actress is driving a Massey Ferguson tractor to the South Pole. Manon ‘Tractor Girl’ Ossevoort has around 3,000 miles to go on the ultimate tractor-trip. Originally, in 2005 she drove the length of Africa, but missed the boat for Antartica. Since then she has been raising money to complete the journey of 3,000 miles to the South Pole. Her Massey Ferguson tractor is in slightly better shape than our old one at the back of the barn, it is also warmer inside the cab…
The old Massey sits at the back of the barn,
Dreaming of lands far away,
The chance to drive to the end of the world,
Will, alas, not be coming her way!
She dreams of harvest, she dreams of the plough,
She dreams of the farm all day,
One day she dreams of reworking the fields,
Rather than rusting away.
www.smithsonianmag.com carries a very well written article about the remarkable journey of ‘Tractor Girl’ Manon Ossevoort. We wish her the very best of luck.
© Baldock Bard 2014
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You Can Never Go Back?
Today is my 900th posting and I started to look back. But the more I looked back the more I became convinced that it was a fruitless exercise. However a recent visit to a place that was very much part of my past, triggered memories. I want to tell you about when the past catches up with you…
Many years ago, when I told a friend that I was going back to visit former work colleagues at a farm I used to work on, I was told that you can never go back. So I took the advice and cancelled my planned visit.
Fast-forward thirty-six years and five months to a recent visit.
I went to a meeting to learn about the massive expansion in rules and regulations that is hitting farming right now. The venue was the Village Hall at Longstowe in Cambridgeshire, the very village I had left in 1978. Apart from a cursory look around when my children were small, I hadn’t been near the village since I left the farm.
Around fifty farmers had an instructive walk around part of the farm estate, guided by experts in the new regulations and the present owner. Much had changed, however I did recognise certain fields and that a fence that I had erected had recently been replaced! I spoke to the present owner (son of the owner that I knew), we chatted about certain parts of the farm and then he dropped a bombshell. The man who I had worked closely with all those years ago, Derek, and who I had thought so very old at the time, had only recently died.
Derek was ‘of the village’. He was born, raised and worked there.
His father was Station-Master until Beeching axed the line in the sixties. Once when young, Derek had taken the train to London. He was about to alight at Kings Cross when he saw all the people, decided that crowds were not for him and stayed on the train until he was safely back home.
Derek had a Morris Marina that despite its age had done minimal mileage. This was unsurprising as the furthest it was ever driven was an occasional trip to Gamlingay, a round trip of around twelve miles. Derek would get the car out of the garage and go through an exhaustive list of checks. During this time word would spread and his cousin ‘Wooper’, ‘Chalky’ White and anyone else nearby, would take their places in the car! Derek never complained but was always surprised how quickly word spread!
When my wife and I became engaged, Derek informed me that his mother and father wished to meet my intended. A Saturday morning was chosen and we were shown, like royalty, into the front room. Derek’s mother produced special mid-morning fare, Camp Coffee made with two heaped teaspoons of sugar, condensed milk and Woolworths finest ‘slab’ fruit-cake. We had a wonderful morning that remains as vivid thirty-six years later as it did back then.
Sad to say, after I left, I never saw Derek again. Despite all the friendship shown to a naive youngster, the many lessons and hours of companionship on the farm that this true gentle-man imparted, I just didn’t make the effort because I’d been told ‘you can’t go back’.
On a day when the change in farming could not have been more emphasised, my thoughts were with an ordinary man who taught me so much, not just about farming, but about life.
So, Derek, rest peacefully, i’m so sorry I didn’t make the effort.
If you ever get a chance to go back in time, just do it, you’ll regret it if you don’t.
© Baldock Bard 2014
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One Man Went To Sweep!
I seem to spend most of my days at this time of year attached to a brush. After the wheat left the farm it was time to outload oats. These are much more dusty, spill easier from the loader bucket and therefore require more attention from the brush. By the time the oats reach your plate the dust has magically disappeared, I’m not surprised, it was all left on the farm…
These days I seem intent,
On wearing out the brush,
I am constantly sweeping,
Always in a rush!
Just when I think I’m done,
Another load of oats go out,
Leaving me sweeping,
Pushing oats about!
Soon it will be over,
The shed will be all clear,
The brush will be redundant,
At least until next year!
© Baldock Bard 2014
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Small Farms Under Attack
Yesterday I went to a meeting to learn about a whole raft of new agricultural regulations. We were shown around a two-thousand acre estate, my few hundred acres seemed very insignificant and the legislation talked about, large and frightening. Everything seemed to be verboten and penalty-laden. Somewhere deep within Whitehall, there must be a group of very angry regulators who have never seen the light of day, let alone a farm, whose sole aim is to destroy small farms…
Regulation, regulation, regulation,
Will be the death of me.
There’ll be no time to grow a crop,
Desk-bound I will be.
I know there have to be some rules,
This I understand,
But the latest tranche from DEFRA,
Have surely got out of hand.
I look back with idle longing,
To a time some years ago,
When the purpose of my job,
Was simply reap and sow!
© Baldock Bard 2014
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