Tea Tasting!

Posted on November 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Earlier this week on Sky News Sunrise, a tea taster, resplendent in a special tea-taster’s apron, was talking to Eamonn Holmes. Apparently the tasters tongue is insured for £1m (should give Eamonn something to consider!). According to Master Blender Sebastian Michaelis (who works for Tetley), there are four qualities he looks for in a tea: zing, colour, sparkle and body. Yesterday I shoveled thirty tons of oats, forgetting that twenty years ago it was manageable, but since I’m now well past my prime…

Oh good heavens I ache all over,
Like a MOT-failed Vauxhall Nova!
After shoveling oats I’ve lost my zing
My colour’s wasted, not charming!
I lost my sparkle years ago,
As for my body – you don’t want to know!
All I need to reconstitute me,
Is a revitalising cup of tasty tea!

…or multiple organ/body-part transplants!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Black Friday (on a Thursday in Letchworth!)

Posted on November 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We seem to be growing ever-fonder of American imports. It will only be a matter of time before we too celebrate Thanksgiving! This year Black Friday has arrived in style. It seems that every second e-mail is inviting us to enjoy the sort of discounts that used to be reserved for the January Sales. Yesterday a local town was gridlocked as a discount store re-opened its doors after extension and refurbishment…

Lidl is back in Letchworth!
All roads led to the store.
The welcome back was overwhelming,
Queues stretched to the door!
Santa in the car park,
Bacon rolls for the day,
A Town Crier in full uniform,
Shouting “Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!”
Despite the packed out aisles,
Grabbing bargains without fail,
Good-humoured staff manned the checkouts,
At the Lidl Grand-Prix sale!
As a farmer it’s good to see this, not only in the pictures, but reflected in the aisles.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Under The Weather!

Posted on November 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

For the past few days I’ve been under the weather and it has not been pleasant. Symptoms have been so varied that diagnosis has been nigh on impossible. However, thanks to on-line-help, I feel I may be getting closer to the truth. Being a farmer provides many more options…

I felt so bad, was then I knew,
I was suffering from Man Flu!
Symptoms have ranged from bad to worse,
Until they even affected my verse!
Then my wife called me a pig,
T’was Swine Flu ‘cos my nose is big!
I quite fancied a Chinese meal,
Must be Asian flu that I feel.
From my throat a feather grew,
Was then I diagnosed I had Bird Flu!
But then I realised because I’m old,
It’s nothing more than the Common Cold!

The Farmer’s Frosty Morning Friend!

Posted on November 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning was one of the coldest so far this winter. The tractor that was parked in the barn, blocking all other machines, refused to start. I felt the same and was tempted to attach the jump leads to my terminals to kick-start my day! However it looked somewhat painful so I connected them to the tractor battery and prayed…

Rhur-rhur-rhur-click-click-click!
The tractor won’t start and I feel sick.
The frost outside is hard and white,
Should have charged the battery overnight.
I attach the leads and cross my fingers,
and rue the doubt that still lingers.
Up into the cab and turn the key,
The engine roars that’ll suit me!
A good set of jump leads – the farmer’s friend,
If only life’s problems were as easy to mend!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Mr Shovel and Mrs Brush!

Posted on November 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I treated myself to a new plastic shovel. The old one was badly worn and as there were only two loads of wheat left to go, I had much shoveling in front of me! What a pleasure it was to use a new implement! It just shows how much excitement is in my life…

When Mr Shovel was shoveling wheat,
He confessed his life was not complete,
What he needed was a lady love,
A sole-mate when no wheat to shove!

I went into the shed next door,
Forgetting a purchase I’d made before,
I was excited with what was there,
A lady broom with purple hair!

Mr Shovel spied the broom,
Pushed me aside, “Give me room!”
And bowing his handle away from me,
Said “Hello Gorgeous, marry me!”

They were wed after a break,
The service conducted by a Tarmac rake!
Who said “do you take this brush for a wife?”
The shovel said, “Do I? You bet your life!”

For quite a few months they swept together,
Clearing the floors and oh! so clever,
Then one day (after romantic mush!),
They gave birth to a dustpan and brush!
…and they lived happily ever after!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Abandoned Terrier and his Humans!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard ad I sat having lunch in the small town of Holt in Norfolk recently and as we ate we realised we were being closely observed. In a Jaguar car parked in the market place was a very disgruntled terrier. When we finished lunch and walked across the square, he told us his sad story…

Sitting on the parcel shelf,
Of my human’s car,
I’ve been left alone,
I don’t know where they are!

I shall look pathetic,
When they finally return,
So they’ll have to spoil me,
Don’t they ever learn?

I may demand biscuits,
I may demand a bone,
And access to a comfy chair
When we get back home!

He will be contrite,
His guilt will be complete,
He won’t discover for a while,
I’ve peed on the driver’s seat!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Bean-Sweeping Fool!

Posted on November 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you a task that you hate doing at work? Is there a job that you’d pass on without a moments thought to the intern or office junior? I have and it’s called sweeping beans out of a silo. It is noisy, dusty and fills your hair with itchy bits of bean/straw/pod! Yesterday I looked around for someone to shoulder the task, but only saw myself in the tractor mirror! So into the bin I went. Job done I faced the problem of getting rid of the dust…

There’s an alien in the yard,
Dressed in overalls and looking marred,
His hair is having the worst of days,
He’s limping, muttering and in a daze!
He’s heading towards the workshop now,
Past the tractor, past the plough!
It looks like he’s about to inflate,
He’s grasping the air-line like a date!
Now he’s got the short air lance,
Building up pressure in advance,
Now he’s running it through his hair,
Dust and beans blow everywhere!
Now he’s blowing his overalls,
Must be a day for bean-sweeping fools!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Rosie Sitting!

Posted on October 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I are Rosie-sitting for some friends who’ve gone on holiday. The other night I awoke to find her standing on Mrs Bard’s slumbering form re-enacting the famous pose from The Lion King. We have now hidden the dvd remote so we can’t be accused of corrupting one so young…

Rosie the Terrier has come to stay,
While her humans have gone away!
They have gone on an aeroplane,
To an island just off Spain!
She has grabbed a comfy chair,
You can move her if you dare!
When she arrived her eating was slow,
Add two other terriers now watch her go!
She’s not used to country sounds,
An owl hoots, behind the door she bounds!
When asleep you should hear her snore,
She’s a deeper ‘voice’ than a wild boar!
If a stranger comes around,
Rosie barks like an enormous hound!
Come next week when her humans show,
We’ll be real sorry to see her go!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Deep in the Fertilizer!

Posted on October 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a law that applies to much of what we do in life. It’s called ‘Sod’s Law of Probability’ and it states that: ‘If something can go wrong, it will go wrong!’ Yesterday morning bright and early, I took delivery of a load of fertilizer in one-tonne bags. I didn’t spear a bag with the JCB Loadall, I didn’t drop a single bag and the pile is still standing (3 miracles in a row!). However the driver of the lorry was having a different day. Having told me that he was ahead of schedule, his problems started…

I unloaded the bags,
And stacked them away,
Without a problem,
T’was a lucky Wednesday!
“Do you have wind?”
The driver enquired,
I wasn’t upset,
His wheel was flat-tyred!
“It looks like a flat,”
I offered advice,
Fine in a town,
On a farm isn’t nice!
I unraveled the pipe,
Started the compressor,
“I’ll need 140lbs!”
He said, meaning pressure!
When the flat tyre,
was up from the ground,
He bid me farewell,
With a slight hissing sound!
I hope he arrived safely,
At his next port of call,
Having taken Sod’s Law
Far beyond the farm wall!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Joy of (someone else’s) Pigs!

Posted on October 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to a proper farm! OK, I jest, we left our farm to visit to a farm in a local town that has animals. I’ve always been critical of these ‘farms’ in the past, however I now have to retract everything I’ve ever said about them as I had great fun. It was wonderful, for instance, to see pigs (the last pig left our farm over twenty years ago!), without the attached work, attendant smelly clothes and weekend duties! However some visitors were not so used to the antics they bring to the farmyard…

Pepa the pig reared up in her stall,
An horrific squeal she let out!
A passing visitor almost collapsed,
in an effort to get the hell out!
With foam at her mouth, evil sharp teeth displayed,
Pepa looked frightening large and obese,
But once she had food, she was docile and calm,
And the piggery returned to peace!

http://www.standalonefarm.com gets my vote as the perfect place to take children of any age (and adults too)!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life