In Praise of the Humble Cucumber!

Posted on October 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, Mrs Bard grew some cucumbers in our small greenhouse. She lovingly watered, fed and cared for them. When they were ready to pick, one by one they disappeared. When there was just one remaining she kept watch at the window. She was about to give up her vigil when she spied the culprit. Our cat had crept into the greenhouse and was chomping on the remaining cucumber. If it happens now we blame our granddaughter who is equally as fond of them as the cat all those years ago…

There’s nothing like cucumber,
If you’re standing in a queue,
Maybe at the airport,
On the way to Timbucktoo!

They also enjoy cucumber,
In Sandwich down in Kent,
They are so very fond of it,
They say it’s heaven sent!

You’ll always find cucumber,
When you have tea at the Ritz,
It goes so well with Earl Grey,
Better than any biscuits!

Let’s hear it for the cucumber,
It makes a salad green,
Between two sheets of soft white bread
It’s fit for a noble Queen!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
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Wheelmarks Across The Land!

Posted on October 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I had a phone call from a neighbour reporting a worrying incident. Apparently someone had driven across some recently-drilled wheat in a straight line until they reached the top of the hill, at which point they chose a diagonal line towards a hole in the hedge. They then turned the vehicle around and returned. I had to agree that this was strange behavior…

“Someone’s driven across your field,
In a Four-by-Four!
They got in through a hole in the hedge,
No wheel marks were there before!”
T’was very muddy where they turned,
At the top of the field,
Will the crop recover,
Or will you lose some yield!”

“That sounds terrible,”
I had to agree,
Didn’t have the heart to say,
The driver – that was me!
During the call,
I withheld a laugh,
I had only been reinstating,
An in-crop local path!

The Joys of Tillage!

Posted on October 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was speaking to a neighbouring farmer the other night and he said, “There’s something very satisfying about tilling the soil.” I have to admit that up to that moment I’d never considered cultivation as being ‘satisfying’ as we’re normally up against the clock or the weather and have no time to consider its merits…

I was ploughing the other day,
Before the Hurricane came our way.
For a while I listened to Radio Two,
Then looked around for something to do!
I wasn’t entirely concentrating
In places it looked like rotavating!
The real problem was that it showed,
The very worst ploughing can be seen from the road!

The Bird Watchers!

Posted on October 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was enjoying a quiet walk around the farm the other day with my dog. I was calling my faithful hound when suddenly somebody shouted, ‘ssssssssh!’ It was a twitcher and apparently I’m supposed to be deadly quiet when walking on my own land well away from the footpath. This is in case some busy-body trespasser is watching tweety-birds. Needless to say I was not amused and suggested a storage place for his tripod…

Porky and Panda are Twitchers,
They search for the rarest bird,
They’re sometimes economical with the truth,
Use Photoshop I’ve heard!
However last week they scored a hit,
Saw a bird that’s oh-so rare,
Nobody believes they saw it,
“It’s the truth, I saw it, I swear!”
So now they carry a camera,
Tripods, binoculars too,
And if you challenge their sightings,
They’ll tell you noisily to ‘Shoo!”

The photo is merely a serving suggestion, not in any way related to bird-watching, but a couple of innocent surveyors mapping out the route of a new motorway near Slough.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Murmuration!

Posted on October 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was driving past the field where I hold Saturday car boot sales the other day when something caught my eye. At a glance it looked as if the electricity wires had thickened. I pulled into the field and realised it was hundreds of starlings congregating on the wires…

Hundreds of birds sitting on the wires,
They are starlings, so it transpires,
They’re named ‘Sturnus Vulgaris’ (by those in the know),
Which sounds rude, but I don’t suppose is so!
Most gregarious, often found in a crowd,
(probably around a bar, acting very loud!).
They used to eat for free from the farmer’s barn,
Authorities now view their presence with alarm.
They’re now common in a pub quiz causing consternation,
When they’re in a group, they’re called a ‘murmuration.’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

We Plough the Fields and Scatter 2014!

Posted on October 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I attended a school harvest festival in a local church. Parents and children waited for the vicar to arrive… waited and waited. He finally arrived laden with shopping bags having obviously forgotten the engagement. During the interlude I bided my time by writing my version of the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ In the intervening twenty-odd years it was lost to the mists of time.
On Sunday morning we held a very agricultural harvest festival in our barn and the vicar was early! So early in fact that I was still in my overalls and work clothes and so had no time to write a new version. However Monday was torrentially wet, so settle down in your pew, open the service sheet and prepare to sing our first hymn…

We plough the fields and scatter,
With ‘help’ from the bossy EU,
They interfere in everything,
And tell us what to do!
They don’t know what a sheep is,
Of crops they’ve no idea,
They’re in the middle of intro-ducing,
More rules for us next year.

All paperwork surrounds us,
Is sent electronically now,
So thank all those in Bru-u-ssels,
That know not pig nor cow!

Emissions from our combines,
Are very bad indeed.
Many chemicals are banned now,
Putting at risk the seed.
We are all going backwards,
We’ll soon grown nothing at all,
They’ll shout hooray, on the day,
UK farming goes to the wall.

Rules and regu-la-tions,
Follow us wherever we farm,
Due to ageing fa-r-mers,
We can’t hear the alarm!

Those who’re farming near towns,
Are planting lots of bricks,
They keep their heads above wa-ter,
With a handsome cash-flow fix!
Wind and rain can’t hurt them,
Of drought they’ve no idea,
If they find themselves in trouble,
They’ll sell more land next year!

All neighbours that surround us,
Can’t stand the smell of muck!
It affects the price of pro-p-erty,
And they might come unstuck!

We thank our major superstores,
For screwing farmers dry,
They also rob their cust-o-mers,
They don’t really have to try.
They have lots of offers,
Our trolleys to augment,
They make profit on a loaf of bread
Of at least 1000 percent!

Our government doesn’t understand us,
Why should they even try?
When everything can come from abroad,
And farming’s left to die!

AMEN!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Agri-Wacky Races!

Posted on October 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday afternoon we were chased around the fields by the threat of rain! We finished drilling wheat at tea time and I firmed up the seedbed by rolling in behind (like putting an extra blanket on the bed!). However I was being chased by the sprayer putting on pre-emergence weed killer, also attempting to beat the forecasted rain…

Like Wacky Racers we dash around,
Drilling, rolling and spraying the ground.
When darkness falls we’re still on the go
We roll and spray but no longer sow!
Finally we’re finished all machines to the shed
We go in for supper then it’s time for bed…

…and then it rains and rains and rains!

Feeding the Birds!

Posted on October 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I happened to look up from some paperwork the other morning and see my son-in-law and granddaughter on their way to feed the ducks. It made a great picture and led to a simple yet pleasing story of feeding birds…

We’re off to feed the ducks you know,
Holding hands as we go,
The dog trots happily by our side,
As we reach the woodland ride.

We have a bucket of saved tail corn,
Harvested before the ducks were born!
Someone call the bird police,
Behind us charge the hungry geese!

They will push the ducks aside,
Until they’ve got enough inside.
Then with a nervous glance,
The small wild birds will get their chance.

Rural Roads, Rural Drivers!

Posted on October 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Nothing angers rural motorists more than joining a long queue behind a slow tractor when the driver refuses to pull in to let them past. Nothing irritates tractor drivers more than having pulled in to let the queue pass nobody acknowledges the act. However sometimes the sun and moon are in alignment and I found myself not only in a jam (not of my causing) but being thanked when I pulled over…

I took my Loadall along the road,
At a paltry 18 miles per hour,
The traffic was really quite heavy,
I knew that some would be sour!
I pulled into gateways, I pulled on the verge,
And much to my surprise,
Almost every motorist thanked me,
I couldn’t believe my eyes…
So I’m going to do it again today!
(only joking!)

The Wait For Welsh Hooks!

Posted on October 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a friend to stay fo a couple of nights. Apparently when she last stayed with us I was desperately searching for keys that I had mislaid. With this in mind she bought me a remedy which is now installed, in use and already irreplaceable…

“Where are those bloody keys?
I put them on the table,
Someone must have picked them up,
Didn’t drop them in the stable!”
I really must get hooks,
On which to put my keys,
Then they’ll always be to hand,
I’ll find them all with ease!”

But the job of finding hooks,
Became one to do ‘tomorrow’,
And keys were still being mislaid,
Causing grief and sorrow.
Friend Sian came to stay,
And bought me a prescription,
Inscribed above some useful hooks
This simple Welsh Inscription…

“Here’s a place to keep the keys,
instead of looking
all over the house for hours!”

Diolch Sian, Angharad & Rhodri!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life