Idiot Of The Year Award, Gold-Plated Winner: ME!

Posted on August 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon we went to use the welder in our workshop only to find it wouldn’t work. We tried inserting a new welding rod, we upped the power, we checked the terminals and took the large plug apart. Then we tried the workshop lights which refused to raise even a glimmer. After I looked at the large power input board to the farm I gave up and called our electrician…

I couldn’t use the welder,
There was no power,
I’d been trying,
For almost half an hour!
I went looking,
In the back of the shed,
For some sort of fuse,
Found cobwebs instead!
So I rang our Sparks
“Please can you come?
The welder is dead
Not even a hummm!”

“I can’t come now,
But see you in the morning,
Just leave it alone,
With power there’s no warning!”
On my way back,
In the next door barn,
I found a switch,
Faced it with alarm!
‘Workshop Power’
In large letters glowing,
I switched it on,
The electric started flowing!

My next move,
Apologise to Dean,
“I’ve been a plonker,
Biggest you have seen!
I turned off everything,
Before I went to bed,
Didn’t think about the workshop,
Never entered my silly head!”
The moral of the tale:
Check every switch,
Before your Sparks wastes a journey,
That lands you in the ditch!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
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Every Saturday until October!
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The Harvest Breakdown!

Posted on July 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Machinery breakdowns can be frustrating at the best of times. During harvest, when the chance of a ‘weather event’ is high and everyone is tired, they can test the most patient of people. Luckily yesterday’s breakdown was swiftly dealt with by our local friendly engineer…

The combine was poorly,
Its concave wouldn’t budge!
We had to wait for an engineer
To come and give it a nudge!

The expert soon arrived,
Looked at the problem and said:
“They never seem to go wrong,
When they’re sitting in the shed!”

…He then fixed the problem and harvest resumed!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Three Wheels on my Barrow!

Posted on July 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Getting ready for harvest always means something gets left off the list. We have an old barrow that collects the small seeds off the cleaner in the grain store. While maneuvering it into position from its hibernation cave, something went wrong…

Three wheels on my barrow,
Makes pushing awful hard,
Suddenly it came to a halt
As a wheel rolled down the yard!
I think I might have fixed it
And now it’s ready to roll
Cos three wheels on your barrow
Makes you lose control!

We Shall Remember Them

Posted on July 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On July 20^th 1914, my grandfather started harvesting winter oats. He employed 23 men on the farm and most work was done by hand. It took a week to cut and cart 60 acres of oats. By the end of 1918 three of those men lay in unknown graves in Northern France.
Today we are starting our harvest 100 years later. By the end of today, three of us should have cut and carted to store 52 acres worth of oats.

Maurice Barnes, aged 34, died 23^rd April 1917
Albert Presland, aged 23, died 12^th March 1915
Harry Hollingsworth, aged 28, died 3^rd August 1916

At the going down of the sun,
And in the morning,
We shall remember them.
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Farmer’s Rash!

Posted on July 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a rather nasty seasonal allergy at the moment. Its symptoms include: sleeplessness, sweating, worry and an unfortunate ability to make rash decisions due to blind panic. Harvest looks like it’s early for this region and I’m in headless-chicken mode…

I saw a combine and on came my condition,
I rushed out to a field to check on its position,
Is it ready for cutting or is it not?
Back to the farm, moisture meter I forgot!
If it’s sunny for the next few days,
Will we be ready to harvest raise?
It rained this morning, didn’t expect that,
Must recalculate my calculations, damn and drat!
But now it’s sunny, the heat is growing,
Will it make a difference that the wind’s not blowing!
Did I order diesel? Did I order oil?
Are there dust masks for the harvest toil?
When we start to cut, the panic suddenly goes,
Why another seasonal allergy? Heaven only knows!

Picture shows a neighbour combining in order to throw me into a blind panic!
Thankfully I have North Herts Farmers at the end of the phone to sort me out and calm me down! Thanks to all in the office!

Mrs Brown’s Favourite Supper!

Posted on July 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Following a visit from a marauding fox, our four remaining hens are a motley crew! However they are all characters in their own right despite having uninspiring names (Mrs Brown, Mrs White, Mrs Bit-Grey and Mrs Halfway-Up-The-Drive!). Yesterday evening Mrs Brown was ecstatic to see some granddaughter-leftovers, her favourite food…

Mrs Brown is a very happy hen,
She’s got pasta for supper again!
She just loves left-over-night,
It sets her up to sleep just right!
She’s not very fond of potatoes,
Sprouts just aren’t her thing,
But pasta and carrots float her boat,
And make her hen-heart sing!

The Farmer’s Tan!

Posted on July 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of the year a farmer’s tan comes with the job. Apparently (and I have to take this on trust as I’m allergic to mirrors), I look as if I should be toiling in Mediterranian fields rather than just outside Baldock! But put away all thoughts of a bronzed hunk and replace them with bronze hulk…

I’ve got a farmer’s tan
I guess it’s supposed to be
I’ve got it on my arms
And it’s on my knee
It starts when I go hay cart
And topped up during harvest
I know it could be much better
If I wore a singlet vest
Now that I am old
And I’ve wrinkles everywhere
Nobody notices my farmers tan
And I guess I just don’t care!

The Dating Woes of a Common Maidenfly!

Posted on July 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I took a photo the other day of what I thought was a mini-dragonfly. Typically I was wrong, it was a Maiden Fly! I knew nothing about them until a search engine told me they were useless at dating…

Once a Maiden Fly,
On a leaf did alight,
She sat there for a while,
She wasn’t very bright!
She thought to herself,
I’ve gotta find a mate,
I could go find a bar,
Before it gets too late!
I could go abroad,
With a group from work,
Magaluf or Ibiza,
Would be a fancy perk!
She spent so much time,
Deciding where to go,
She ended up a maiden,
And was snapped up by a crow!

A Whole Loader-Bucket!

Posted on July 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On my small farm it takes seventeen bucket-loads of my not-so-small JCB loader bucket and about seventeen minutes to load a twenty-nine ton lorry. Recently at a show I saw the mother-of-all-buckets. Using this leviathan would take less than five buckets and about six minutes to load the same lorry. Assuming that Mick, who organizes our haulage, could line up enough lorries, it could only take just over two hours to shift all our harvest (unless you have a hole in your bucket)…

“That’s a whole loada bucket,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“that’s a whole loada bucket,
for loading your wheat!”

“To what can I attach it?”
Said Palmer, the farmer,
to what can I attach it,
to load lorries with wheat.”

“Just buy a big JCB,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“You’ll see that they’re trouble-free
to quickly load wheat!”

The Perfect Farm for Me!

Posted on June 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I found a very pleasant small farm, and it was on special offer! I was so impressed that I couldn’t resist taking a look around. After a very short while I thought, ‘it’s the perfect farm for me!’…

I’ve found the perfect farm,
It comes in a tin!
The sheep are never out,
They are always in,
The pigs are neither fat,
Nor are they too thin!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

The weather is just right,
The crops always grow,
No sprays or fertilizer,
To muck up the cash flow,
The bank manager’s happy,
to watch profits grow!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

It’s the most perfect farm,
That I’ve ever seen,
On my side of the fence,
The grass is always green,
The only problem,
It is just a dream!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

You too can own the perfect ‘Farm in a tin’, just pop along to an ASPACE store or visit them online. Alternatively you can invest a vast amount of money in a piece of land and watch the worry-lines grow!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life