Splitting Logs (not hairs)!

Posted on April 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have said before that splitting logs for kindling with an axe is a most rewarding occupation (particularly when there is a need to hit something inanimate rather than animate). However when there are large logs to be split it is much easier to use a mechanical splitter…

Splitting firewood is no slog,
just like falling off a log!
You put the wood up to the worm,
Hold the round nice and firm,
All of a sudden a crack does sound,
and the log’s no longer round!
A few more times it’s become all logs,
Easier than in catalogues!
And all that’s left is to stack the shed,
Almost easier done than said!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Paper, Paper, Everywhere!

Posted on April 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the Eighties when I bought my first computer I was advised to buy a printer ‘before they become obsolete!’ The salesman suggested that ‘in the near future’ offices would be paper-free environments. How I wish I could meet him now. There seems to be more paper than ever and in most cases companies are reluctant to E-mail bills. This leads to an Everest in my office, complete with avalanche warnings…

Paperless office? Unfortunately not here!
Print has used a few trees I fear,
All your bills you must store,
Seven years boxed up (sometimes more!)
Then at last you can get shot,
Although with fire you may not!
So let’s hear it for the office shredder,
It’s a great noisy cutting hamster-bedder!
Lists of rules from the Environment A-gen-cy,
Regularly get soaked by hamster pee!
Ejected, unwanted and disgraced,
It ought to be simply: cut and paste!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Ducks Shout from the Roof-Tops!

Posted on April 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening two ducks were sat on the roof opposite the house. Nothing seemed to bother them as they sat looking down on the world. Kevin didn’t seem to bothered that he had no i-Phone and Kaylee wasn’t looking to go clubbing…

Mr and Mrs Duck are sitting on the roof
Watching the world go by
Mr Duck is acting aloof,
Can’t be bothered to fly!

“Look at those people down there!”
Darren says to Ducky-wucky his wife,
“They spend their time rushing about,
I’m not sure I fancy their life!”

“We have to find our food every day,
We don’t go to Tesco or Aldi,
We’ve no credit card or savings,
Everything we eat is all free!”

“No worry about our pensions,
Old age spent in the sun,
Our only real worry is simple:
A farmer carrying a gun!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

If Carlsberg did Health and Safety Advisors!

Posted on April 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a visit from an advisor concerning Health and Safety. Normally anyone concerned with this most serious of subjects is to be found wearing an expanse of tweed, a mop of greying hair and an accusatory finger that wags at the smallest risk. I was relieved and impressed…

Liz arrived on the farm to check it out,
To advise on compliance if any doubt.
Risk assessment is her forte,
Whether guards astray or non-compliance-naughty.
There were a few signs that should have been there,
To highlight fragile roofs up in the air.
She saw all the things the schoolchildren see,
And outlined any risks that there could be.
So if your assesments are not up to scratch,
You’d better invite Liz to look over your patch!

Liz is available through the National Farmers Union to assess Health and Safety and can be contacted through the Wellingborough office (01933 303 232). We all wish her the very best when she is married later this month.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Esmerelda, The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers!

Posted on April 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We had a school party visit the farm yesterday. Unfortunately one of our resident hens had decided to go feral and refused to go into the hen house on Sunday evening. We feared the worst, expecting to find body parts, following the close attention of Mr Fox. However during the school visit there was a sudden clucking from unexpected quarters and Esmerelda the Escapologist made a grand entrance…

The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers,
Is hiding out of sight,
Ready to give schoolchildren,
Something of a fright!
She creeps up behind them,
And with a deep deep voice,
Says “I’m a Him-a-Layer,
To meet you is quite nice!”

She then runs around the corner,
And hides up once again,
She enjoys playing hide-and-seek,
She’s a game-playing kind of hen!
Next time she might wear a party hat,
And play a green Kazzoo,
And march around the farmyard,
Hoping to impress you!

There is only one little problem,
Eggs she’s supposed to lay,
They all end up scrambled,
‘Cos all she wants to do is play!

March – In Like a Lamb!

Posted on March 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

March started off warm and dry, quite a change from the ultra-wet preceding months. There is an old saying that if March starts off warm, we all end up paying for it with bad weather at the end of the month. Yesterday we had a school party from North London. When they arrived it was chilly and dry, by the time they left it was a very different story…
The children arrived from Camden by bus,
It was a little chilly, but they made no fuss!
We showed them in the shed, what we grown on the farm,
Then said, ‘we’ll go outside,’ still no sign of alarm!
We walked through the woods looking for deer,
Dissected an owl’s pellet, still no rain near.
Then back to the barn, rather cold to have lunch,
A slightly worn-out, but still happy bunch!
Then out to the field for a large run-about,
Down came the hail, with no warning shout!
Then off to see Dolly, the resident horse,
Who looked at the throng, “Ah! children, of course!”
Then to the tractor and see chicks on the floor,
Alas the heavens opened, it started to pour!
We waved the coach off, down the A10,
Just as the heavens opened, yes, raining again!
Then it turned to snow, blizzarding hard,
We ran to the shed from the open yard!
According to a man I know who’s called Ryan,
March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Hurrah! It’s Friday Again!

Posted on March 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A reader from a foreign land recently e-mailed me asking for a ‘proper picture’ rather than somebody who looks faintly Elizabethan and hides behind a mask! As it’s Friday I thought I’d oblige as everyone has the weekend to get over the shock. I don’t know how welcome your Friday is, but here we have the bunting out…

Thank Heaven’s at last, Friday’s here!
It’s been a long week, let’s be clear,
That naughty fairy has been about,
Causing chaos and making me shout!
I under-ordered fertilizer by three tons,
Was caught in the town eating iced buns!
Broke my 4×4 by letting it boil,
Damaged the cultivator on the wet soil!
So if you see the fairy heading in my direction,
Please distract her by attracting her attention!
Tell her when she asks which way I went,
“He’s not at home, he’s gone to Gwent!”
If she arrives and I’m under the thumbscrew,
I’ll send the Muck-Up Fairy back to you!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Perils of Dust when Cultivating!

Posted on March 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we went cultivating in preparation for drilling Spring Beans. The ground was very dry on top and ‘puggy’ underneath. A rocky crust but wet enough to make pottery just below the surface! However it was great to see dust coming off the cultivator, something that just a few weeks ago I couldn’t begin to imagine.

There’s dust a-blowing on them there hills,
It blows away the torrential ills!
The tractor rushes across the field,
Preparing the ground for a great bean yield!
The dust blows onto passing traffic,
Causing language, oh so graphic!
A husband turns to his wife to say:
“I only washed the car Sunday!”

“Well you’ll just have to wash it again my dear!”
She says, in a way, he doesn’t sense her sneer!
While all the time she’s thinking, ‘Yes!”
Another weekend job for him to address!
Sunday morning he’s out in the rain,
He’s washing the car – farmers to blame!
He’s steaming like breakfast burning toast,
Forgets from where came his Sunday Roast!
“Bloody Farmers!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Deepest Hole (in all the garden!)

Posted on March 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While doing my grand-fatherly duties recently, I was teaching granddaughter how to jump on mole-hills in the garden (as one does!). Suddenly she stopped and was peering down a hole in the lawn…

A hole appeared in the garden,
I’m sure wasn’t there yesterday,
There wasn’t any sign of digging,
We didn’t suspect fowl play!

We looked into the hole,
And saw a pinprick of light,
I fetched my powerful binoculars,
As something wasn’t quite right!

There at the deepest juncture,
Was a man gazing down at me,
Dressed in a pair of swim trunks,
He seemed to be waving you see!

He soon disappeared from sight,
Was replaced by a large kangaroo,
I passed the glasses to my granddaughter
She shouted a very loud ‘Shoo!’

There remains very little evidence,
Of this mysterious deep deep hole,
It’s the photo you see above this,
And a hill that looks left by a mole!

The Long Walk to Recovery!

Posted on March 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While sitting in a showroom having just signed my life away for a shiny all-singing all dancing automobile, my mind wandered. I remembered how my first car used to breakdown at most inopportune moments. Without the luxury of mobile phone or recovery it would always be an interesting experience…

I shall never forget,
my first breakdown,
and the lonely walk,
from the edge of town,
To the farm,
to get a tow,
from the muck-covered tractor,
that did stink so!
And realising,
as I steered,
that my car’s seat,
was now cow-muck smeared!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life