Zen and the Art of Ploughing!

Posted on March 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I worked on a farm alongside an old man called ‘Tidley’. Despite being a rogue, he was an excellent ploughman. He’d sit on his beloved Caterpillar ploughing all day. You could hear the engine singing: “Dunk, Dunk, Dunk, Dunk, Dunk!” as constant as a metronome, for miles around. He hated seagulls, young students (me!) and hard work. Often, I would have to work twice as hard, while he slept in the shade of a tree on a warm spring day! He now has the rest of eternity to doze, in a quiet country churchyard…

“You get more spuds in a bent row!”
Tidley Wilkins used to say.
If you don’t mow in a straight line,
You’ll get more bales of hay!

If you half-fill the muck spreader,
You get more loads of muck.
If you put in half the hours,
You’ll need twice the luck!

And if things go wrong,
Be careful when you take aim!
There’ll always be a youngster,
Who’s around to take the blame!

It has been pointed out to me by fellow farmers that the picture has been reversed as the furrows face the wrong way (it’s a farmer thing). The picture came from an American site on the internet. I use 99% of own-taken photographs. I apologise to all who may be offended by this and promise to take more care in future. I should possibly enrol on a course to teach me about farming!
I think it may just be Tidley, teaching me a lesson from beyond the grave, as he did all those years ago!

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Most Mysterious Object!

Posted on March 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The water lying on the fields has subsided and the ground has mostly dried up. I took a drive around the farm yesterday to look at the crops. All seemed well until I came across a mysterious object half hidden in the grass on Gotta Field…

Looking like a space accessory,
That had fallen from the sky,
Something lying in the grass field,
If I approach it will I die?

So I decide not to walk there,
My Mitsubishi in four-wheel drive,
Clutching my mobile phone beside me,
Ready to make an exit dive!

The closer that I come to see it,
The more ominous it looks,
Realise I’ve no Risk Assessment,
Haven’t gone by all the books!

Nearly on top of it I wonder,
Who will catch me if I fall?
Suddenly I feel quite stupid,
It’s only a purple exercise ball!

The Granddaughter, The Chicks and Her Dog!

Posted on March 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Where most people have a table and chairs in their dinning room, my son-in-law, daughter and granddaughter have a paddling-pool with fourteen chicks! It is another new chapter of excitement in the seventeen-month-old’s life – soft toys that move and chirp without needing batteries! Her dog sits, stares and wonders a different thought…

My granddaughter looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen soft fluffy toys!
The chicks look up at the granddaughter and think:
Mummy?

The heat lamp looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must warm!
The chicks look up at the heat lamp and think:
Mummy?

The feed hopper looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must feed!
The chicks look at the feed hopper and think:
Mummy?

The water trough looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must water!
The chicks look at the water hopper and think:
Mummy?

Her dog looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen fluffy snacks!
The chicks look up at her dog and think:
What on earth is that with all those sharp teeth,
THAT’S NOT OUR MUMMY!

Beyond the End of the Line!

Posted on March 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sara and Claire, co-ordinators from the Country Trust, recently visited the farm to prepare for visits from three London schools. Sara kindly brought me a present, a book of London Underground poems. Being a country-dwelling yokel, I have always been delighted to see such poems (by proper poets) on the rare occasions I have taken the tube. The gift set me thinking about the end of the line and what awaits intrepid visitors…

This morning’s verse is dedicated to all those who have worked so hard, since 1986, to make Poems on the Underground such a success.

Out beyond the final stops,
lie villages, woods, fields and crops.
And pubs where old men sit and chat,
with quiet streets, an occasional cat!
A ruck-sacked rambler wends his way,
past overgrown hedges filled with May.
The gentle clip-clop of hoof on road,
the smell of grass that’s freshly mowed.
A dog is barking a mile away,
in the playground children play.
All of a sudden a forgotten factor,
THE NOISE OF A FARMER’S GREAT BIG TRACTOR!
The Country Trust www.countrytrust.org.uk is a national educational charity dedicated to bringing alive the working countryside for children least able to access it.
It is through their hard work that many children have visited our farm. It has given us enormous pleasure seeing them exploring new surroundings. Sharing the countryside that we are so lucky to live and work in, is what makes life worthwhile. We are looking forward to seeing groups from three London schools later this month.

No Rain Today!

Posted on March 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I opened the curtains to a wonderful sight. After one of the mildest winters I can remember, with weeks and weeks and weeks of rain, there was a bright morning with frost. It was a truly wonderful sight that confirmed the true beauty of nature and its ability to surprise and delight…

Woke up this morning,
The sun is bright,
The frost has turned,
The whole world white!
All over the grass,
Where puddles lay,
Cracking ice,
Is there today!
Where was winter,
When it should be?
Just rain and rain,
And rain you see!
So here in March,
We have a frost,
It’s just a sign
That all’s not lost!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Two Years On! The Devil (is in the detail)

Posted on February 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is the second anniversary of my blog, or so I thought. However as the first original verse was posted on February 29^th2012, the first true birthday will be in two years time on the 29^th February 2016. Today’s posting also happens to be the 666^th daily post (I’ve had the odd Sunday off to recharge batteries!). However the loss of an important part of my equipment has made this morning’s posting almost impossible. As they say, the devil is in the detail…

I spent the day yesterday,
With everything quite blurred,
I lost my glasses loading hay,
I know that sounds absurd!

So if you see a horse,
And he’s wearing glasses,
You will know that of course,
He’s off to evening classes!

Today I cannot drive,
So there’s no chance of retail,
Until my specs arrive,
The devil’s in the detail.

Thank you the 75,000+ readers from over seventy-five countries who have visited my blog over the last two years. I hope you enjoyed your visit and we’ll see you again soon!
Keep well and enjoy your life!

Guests That Will Not Leave (and begin to smell after three days!)

Posted on February 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Benjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of the United States is quoted as saying: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Our geese would heartily agree with the sentiment behind this 280 year-old saying. You see, they’ve had guests to stay. The arrival of Canadian cousins three weeks ago was the cause of much celebration, honking and sharing of food. However the expectation was that the visitors would take a very broad hint and accept a lift to the airport before now…

Two Canada Geese arrived to stay,
With their cousins on the farm.
They didn’t bring a bottle of wine,
The Whites noticed with alarm!
They stayed a week and ate much food,
Then they stayed some more,
By the end of yet another week,
Family relations were quite sore!

The Whites are normally perfect hosts,
(said through gritted teeth),
“Is your flight booked for this week?
We’ll book a taxi with Keith!”
The guests thought they were teasing them,
“You Brits are just so strange,
We are here ‘till Autumn,
No travel to arrange!”

The Whites no longer notice the ‘guests’,
As they grumble so,
Somewhere they’ve read a saying,
About fish that will not go!
The Canuks are not for turning,
They are still here today,
What they’ve not told their cousins,
They only live ten miles away!

February (an unsettling month on the farm)

Posted on February 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Years ago an old farmer warned me about February: “February is always the worst time on a farm. It’s cold with a chance of snow, the cowman is on the verge of leaving, the muck heap is close to full, forage stocks may or may not last until the grass is ready and spring seems further away than ever!” I often wonder what he’d have made of this month in the UK, especially in Somerset…

It’s been mild
Winter never came
Day on day
Nothing much but rain
Not long now
Spring will arrive
Days will be much longer
Daffodils line the drive

The cameras will leave Somerset
The news will move elsewhere
The public’s thirst sated
Still water everywhere
We shall not forget them
As we store up loads of hay
Ready to feed their livestock
And reassure them they’re OK

If you wish to donate forage, please get in touch with your local NFU or YFC branch.
If you wish to donate please go to: http://www.justgiving.com/fcn/donate
Follow #forageaid on Twitter for the latest news.
Many thanks to all those hauliers who have donated their time, trucks and diesel to help get forage to where it is needed.

The Dangers of Unknown Household Geography!

Posted on February 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Recently Mrs Bard and I went to stay with friends in a beautiful barn conversion. Leading a sheltered life, I had forgotten one of the great disadvantages of staying away from home: unknown household geography. Once when staying in a hotel in France I’d woken in the night and mistaken the wardrobe for the bathroom with near disastrous consequences…

Lying in bed in the early hours
Alcohol filtration sleeping sours
Through muddled brain I find the door
Where the handle is I’m not too sure!
Out on the landing a little light
Was that the bathroom on the right?
Once inside when relief is done
How loud is the flush when it’s just past one!

Dear Father-in-law many years ago
Did from the bathroom into wrong room go
Of the hosts beloved wife it was always said
Never got over becoming three in a bed!
Back on the landing doors there are four
All look the same at half past four!
I did ‘Eenny Meeny Miny Moe’
And into the third I did go!

Luckily for all I was right
Fell into bed and slept all night
So it proves when you stay away
Know where the loo is and you’ll be ok!

Stuck Behind a Tractor!

Posted on February 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A new poster has just gone up next to the railway station in Baldock. It would seem to suggest that if you are late home because you stopped off for a burger, all you have to say is: “I got stuck behind a tractor!” and you’ll be instantly forgiven. Unfortunately, as a farmer, I have to admit that some drivers of agricultural leviathans are less than courteous on the road. However from my own experience, when I’ve pulled in at the earliest opportunity to let traffic pass, the number of times I’ve been acknowledged for letting traffic by can be counted on one hand (or one finger of one hand!). Plus ca change…

Coming down the road
Is a long long line of traffic
It can be seen from space
It’s almost photographic!
At the head of this river
A tractor and a trailer
The driver is oblivious
Even to a very loud-hailer

But all of a sudden
He puts on his brakes
He’s spotted his metal tail
And very few overtakes
He puts up his hand
At every car that passes
Most drivers are gesturing
“Where’s yer effin glasses?”

So next time you are late
You’ve sneaked a burger in
Don’t blame the Baldock Bard
As he sits on tons of tin
When he pulls aside
And you can go on through
You’ll notice he is smiling
Because he ‘s had a burger too!

‪#forageaid ‪#SomersetFloods
Farmers from across the country are supporting farmers in Somerset by donating forage. Including a group of farmers preparing to drive 225 miles by tractor from Yorkshire to Somerset with supplies.

‪Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life