A Valentine’s Day Gift for Somerset Farmers

Posted on February 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Up and down the country farmers are donating forage for those farmers in Somerset who desperately need help. The Young Farmers Clubs are central in helping to organize this relief effort aided by the National Farmers Union and other farmers groups. Haulage companies have given their services for free and farmers are taking fodder to central points for collection. At present those organising the distribution in Somerset have asked for a halt to deliveries, so we wait our turn. Community spirit is alive and well in the countryside this Valentine’s day…
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Hay is the gift
We’ll send to you
It won’t arrive
For Valentine’s day
But it will be there
Whenever you say
So meantime it’s stored
On the farm in the queue
Just wanted to say
We’ll not forget you.

If you’d like to donate forage, please get in touch with your local YFC or NFU and they can point you in the right direction. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Water Lane – Water Road – Water Field – Water Water!

Posted on February 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is water everywhere, on roads, on fields and in houses. I’ve even seen a flood on a hill! On the farm our squad of resident geese are confused. Despite having held a hastily convened meeting, they still have no idea where their new pond has come from. One day there was a grass field, the next morning there was a pop-up pond. Having tried it for size and depth they have gone back to their more permanent home…
The geese are confused,
They really don’t know why,
A pop-up pond’s appeared,
After rain fell from the sky.
They don’t know about drainage,
On flooding they’re not clear,
The only thing they know,
Is Lord Smith is not here!
There are no signs to warn them,
By chance they cannot read,
They don’t even have 24hr news,
To keep them up to speed!
They’ve not rung the Environment Agency,
Nor Number Ten,
They are just looking for,
Normality once again!
So if you see a bewildered goose,
Point him in our direction,
He will have made a mistake
In his sat-nav address selection!
For world-wide readers – Lord Smith is the supposed head of the Environment Agency (a government quango that apparently manages our rivers!)

The Longest Forkin’ Fork!

Posted on February 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day son-in-law John and I had need to distance ourselves from our work. So we went into the workshop and created the longest handled fork in the county, if not the world…

Needing to get ourselves out of a very deep hole,
We put a fork on an extremely long pole.
We called it Stanislaw, or just plain Stan,
We’d soon be clear if all went to plan!
We pushed, we pulled, moaned and grunted,
In search of a solution, high and low we hunted.
With our very long fork we shifted all the rubble,
with an ‘oh’ and an ‘aah’, we were soon out of trouble.
And we made a flag that we unfurled,
We’ve got the longest forkin’ fork, in the whole forkin’ world!

Dolly and the Mischievous Geese!

Posted on February 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter is rather angry at the moment. Her geese have gone feral. In other words they are doing what they want, rather than being visible from a window when required. I found them yesterday in Dolly the Horse’s field, causing mischief…

Dolly the Horse has been talking,
In conference with the geese,
They told her she was the prettiest,
That she had a golden fleece!

They told her she was capable,
Anything she could do,
Could she kick over the feed bin?
So they could have oats too!

They told her she could fly,
They said ‘over the gate you go’,
She galloped off down the paddock,
Flew over the gate just so!

There was only one problem,
The geese munched all the oats,
Poor Dolly was left with no supper,
Would now rather share her field with goats!

The Old Blue Aga!

Posted on January 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking through a kitchen manufacturer’s brochure recently I came across their ‘Farmhouse Range.’ I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was very smart, very expensive and clinically clean, but it had neither Aga nor scruffy dog. “Sacre Blue!” (I would have said if I was a fermier,) it was just not right. Yesterday a friend rang wishing to borrow our kitchen (but not the sleeping scruffy dog!)…

A friend rang us up yesterday,
With a very strange request I have to say:
“May I come for tea and be so bold?
My heating’s bust and I’m bloody cold!”
And so she came in a very short while,
Her bum on the Aga bought forth a smile!
This monumental and ancient tool,
Can be used as a pleasant warming stool.
So if your heating ever falls apart,
Find a farmhouse to warm your heart!

We think the Aga was put in sometime in the early seventies by the father of our present ‘Aga Guru’ Duncan (newtonagaservices@sky.com). The oven is still going strong and is likely to outlast me and be passed on down through the family.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Vomiting Vicky the Cement Mixer!

Posted on January 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my trusty side-kick (and son-in-law), John, bought a cement mixer on E-Bay. Yesterday we tried it out for the first time and unfortunately, despite mixing two wheelbarrow loads of concrete perfectly, it then misbehaved. So if anyone has any tips on how to deal with a drunken mixer…

The cement mixer’s just been sick,
Vomited over the yard,
It has had too much to drink,
And now knows life is hard!

Tomorrow it’ll feel unwell,
A hangover beyond compare,
It’ll hide out of sight in the shed,
And pretend to not be there!

So far it has no name,
But this won’t take so long,
Vomiting Vicky may possibly do,
But I might be wrong!

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog!

Posted on January 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking out of the window the other day I saw a fox meandering away from the farmyard. Rather concerned for the future health of our geese, I rushed outside and shot the fox clean between the eyes with my camera. I then went indoors and wrote this…

“Hey!”
said the fox to the dog one day,
“What are you doing lazing away?”
The dog just farted and turned over,
“You can’t blame me ‘cos I’m called Rover!”
The fox said: “I can’t believe that it’s true,
You just laze around feeling blue,
Don’t you dare tell me,‘I’d like to be thin’
You’re lucky your chicken comes in a tin!”
The dog licked a paw and made a very strange sound,
“I guess it’s back to work…
To being a fox hound!”

A Pink Surprise at the Show!

Posted on January 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I knew there was a purpose in going to the recent Lamma Show at Peterborough, only I didn’t realize it at the time. It wasn’t to buy the giant combine harvester (above) or the stealth-styled rubber-tracked Catterpillar (below). Looking through the many photographs I took I came across one that took my breath away and I realized fate had tapped me on the shoulder…
Someone keeps taking my wheelbarrow,
It’s old and covered in rust,
The tyre’s half inflated,
And one of the handle’s bust.
It also has a hole,
In the middle of the floor,
I really can’t understand,
Why I’ve not replaced it before!

I went along to a show,
Not sure what I was looking for,
And all at once I realized,
Was amazed at what I saw!
A perfect pink wheelbarrow,
The plastic will not bust,
Nobody will walk off with it,
Neither will it rust!

So I’m about to place my order,
I shall do it all online,
I can’t wait for delivery,
It’ll be pink and always mine!
The Big Pink Wheelbarrow (and much, much more!) can be found at:
http://www.sandersonenvironmental.com

Many congratulations to the organisers for a truly fantastic show. A special motion for the car park attendants who did their job in very difficult conditions with a smile. Here’s looking forward to Lamma ’15!

The Bard goes to a show!

Posted on January 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, son-in-law John and I visited the agricultural show, LAMMA, at Peterborough. Even the long queues to enter the showground didn’t deter us from having a cracking day. We saw lots of highly polished tractors and the only mud in evidence was in the car parks, making us thankful for our 4×4. All in all a great show…

We had a great day looking all around LAMMA,
For farmers like us it’s the epitome of glamour!
Some like Ferraris all polished and clean,
Others like a John Deere (they’re the ones that are green!)
Some like a yacht that sails the high sea,
But all Farmers want to see is the new JCB!
Some like a girl who can make a clear pass,
Others love a combine, that’s made by Claas!
Some like an old car with an ash-wooden chassis,
Whereas farmers crowd round the new tractor from Massey!
Some farmers like machinery, that’s painted blue,
(That is New Holland between me and you!)
Some like a pussy that sits by the fire,
Farmers like a Cat with tracks not a tyre!
Some farmers have bank accounts behind many a door,
While others dream of winning in a lottery draw!
Some queue on the motorway in an old battered truck,
While others use a helicopter, look down and say ‘f*ck!’
But most of the visitors who were there yesterday
Say thanks to the organisers “we had a great day!”

Off To LAMMA at Peterborough!

Posted on January 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Son-in-law John and I are having a rare day out. We are going to join up to 40,000 other farmers at LAMMA, an agricultural machinery show at the Peterborough Showground. This year is the first year that it’s come south from Lincolnshire in its thirty-two-year history. We wish it great success in its new home…

We’re off to a farming show called Lamma.
We won’t need a crowbar, toolbox or spanner,
It’s fifty-five minutes up the A1,
For us down south, a nice straight run!
There’ll be tractors, combines, all polished machines,
No muddy wheels, all tweed and jeans!
But before we can leave, out for a treat,
We’ve got to load a lorry on the farm with wheat!
This will dampen our enthusiasm somewhat,
It’s all got to go before we spend a lot!
So if we see an expensive piece of kit,
We’ll be reminded of how we’ll pay for it!
Our time won’t be wasted as it may seem,
Its great fun to visit, look, plan or dream!

http://www.lammashow.co.uk
@lammashow
#LAMMA14

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life