The Delivery (culmination of seven months!)

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On the farm there are some jobs that score less than one out of ten! However there are some jobs that may look as if they are heading for such a score, but just before the final whistle can leap to an eight or nine! Delivering hay is mostly a pleasure as it is not only a pleasant drive out, but also the culmination of hard work back in the summer and careful storage up to now. Yesterday son-in-law John and I delivered to a local stable yard. To see horses happily tucking into hay that we successfully cut, turned, turned again, rowed up, baled, carted, stacked, stored and delivered can bring quite a buzz…

Monday morning time out for a ride,
To deliver hay for horses outside,
We loaded the trailer with sixty bales,
And roped the back in case stacking fails!
Off we drove along the road,
Keeping an eye on the precious load,
Until we reached the stable yard,
Reversed to the shed, that was not hard!
Then came the sweat of stacking each bale,
(To make extra sure the stack didn’t fail).
After humping those bales John felt quite shaky,
So tried his hand at a spot of Reiki!
For top quality hay at reasonable prices in the North Herts/Mid Beds/Cambs area, look no further than us!
Contact details below.

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

www.u-boot.co.uk

Gary’s Big Earth Give-away!

Posted on January 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a large bag of crisps recently and noticed to my delight that not only was there a competition to win farmland on the packet, but also every purchaser was already a winner! I was so excited I almost rang our local machinery dealer to order extra machinery for this unexpected increase in acreage…

Hurrah, Hurrah! I’ve won some land,
To expand my farm,
it wasn’t planned!
I went out shopping the other night,
Bought a bag of crisps,
had quite a fright!
Gary Linaker’s gonna give me some earth,
Has he any idea,
of what it’s worth?
He doesn’t know yet but he’ll be sore,
It’s very valuable,
they not making more!
So I think I’ll have ten acres near Welwyn,
The owner doesn’t know
…I’ll let Gary tell him!

Unfortunately the packaging was disposed of before I had time to check my lucky code. However all credit to Walkers for their unique and tempting competition.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

I’ve a Hole in my Wellies!

Posted on January 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We are halfway through January and winter has yet to show its hand. In the last month we have had almost half our annual rainfall. The ditches are full, the fields are saturated and the poor crops are thinking about raising the white flag. Weather forecasters continue to warn of cold fronts which turn out to be mild. Maybe next week…

The ditches around here are filled with water,
January is half gone,
There hasn’t been any really cold weather,
Something must be wrong?

The birds are beginning to think,
That Spring is almost here,
The snowplough still lies undisturbed,
Will we need it this year?

All the old countryside sayings,
About lambs, lions and ducks,
Are so redundant this wintertime,
This global warming sucks!

Road Fell (The unmasking of a hypocrite!)

Posted on January 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In days gone by I may have been more than sarcastic about road works, the closing off of lanes and over-use of fluorescent clothing. Yesterday we were working on the side of a road clearing small tree saplings. What I wouldn’t have done for a lane closure! I am now a fully-fledged member of the Hypocrites Society…

The cars are passing incredibly fast,
The next one passing could be my last,
Fluorescent clothing won’t save my skin,
But it makes me feel protected from the danger I’m in!

Did you see that lorry when I swept with a brush?
It must have been delivering in a hell of a rush,
Formula one engines at the rate he was going,
Or he’s worried that shortly it may start snowing!

So road menders everywhere, you know who you are,
I’ll have more respect, next time in my car,
I’ll no longer complain about delays causing strife,
I now know protection is important for life!

Cyril the Squirrel

Posted on January 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was watching a cheeky squirrel in a barn opposite the house. Very carefully I opened the window, aimed and shot it with my Canon. I was quite pleased with the result. Others, however, suggested that I was going soft in the head and should be put out to grass…

Cyril the Squirrel has a very long tail,
He likes eating oats that should be for sale,
If inspectors knew, hell would be to pay,
He doesn’t give a damn, he just says ‘Yay!’

Up strode the farmer with his ferocious gun,
“You can’t stop me, eating oats is fun!”
Both barrels leveled at Cyril’s grey head,
But the farmer missed, shot the barn instead!

Cyril didn’t need telling once or even twice,
Took off across the yard, “That wasn’t very nice!”
The farmer reloaded and fired once again,
Hit the old water butt that was full of rain!

Cyril climbed the oak tree opposite the wood,
He’d outrun the farmer, knew that he could!
Bang went the gun, missed Cyril by a twitch,
Back fell the farmer who landed in the ditch!

Row, Row, Row your Boat!

Posted on January 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my Granddaughters favourite books has a button that you press to play a tune while you sing the words:
Row,row, row the boat,
Gently down the stream,
If you see a crocodile
Don’t forget to scream!
Yesterday I went to look around the farm. As we are on the top of a hill I didn’t expect to see flooding. However we have had almost half our annual rainfall in one month. The land has had as much water as it can take, the ditches are full to overflowing and it has nowhere else to go. Just when farmers needed a good harvest to keep their heads above water! Looking at a small lake I was reminded that there are many many farmers whose fields are completely underwater. So as I waded through the water, knowing there was nothing I could do, I started to sing…

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the ditch,
When you see your flooded fields,
You know life is a bitch!

Wash, wash, wash your boat,
On a bright June day,
There is now a hosepipe ban,
Put that hose away!

‘Always look on the bright side of life,
der dum, der dum, der dum, der dum…’ Eric Idle

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pylons are Coming!

Posted on January 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a weekend newspaper, the dreaded pylons are on the march. Thanks to successful pressure from Home Counties Nimbys, wind turbines have proliferated in areas where there is little need for electricity. As a result the power has to be transported from turbines in areas of outstanding natural beauty by pylon to the homes of those very people who denounced turbines in their own backyard as spoilers of their countryside. It just seems to highlight the selfishness and stupidity of our age…

The Nimbys will protest again,
Not about flooding or persistent rain,
The view from their window may well change,
At the Old Vicarage and at The Grange!

They voted and marched against windmills,
Forced their building onto distant hills,
Now their houses need more power,
At the pylons they’ll frown and glower.

They’re against wave-power because of birds
Fields of cells are quite absurd!
Wind turbines bring them out in hives,
No local generation policy now survives.

Those who voted against local generation,
Are guilty of visual-pollution desecration,
Recently when the lights were out,
Those same people at the engineers did shout.

So bring on the darkness, serve them right,
They’ll see how early it’s dark at night!
In the dark the pylons, a demonic dance,
As yet more electric comes from France!!

The Sympathy Reservoir Springs a Leak

Posted on January 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

For some days now high tides, damaged sea walls and flooding have filled our screens. Correspondants have carefully chosen to report from those sea walls that have the greatest ‘splash factor’. Cars and vans have been filmed on smart phones floating away in swirling water. Helicopters have been hired to show new lakes on agricultural land. However there are signs of restlessness in the cheap seats. Very soon the gaze of the media will shift and editors will sigh with relief that new disasters are available. Meanwhile the misery for others will not have gone away so easily…

Water, water, everywhere,
It’s on the news right now,
Typical farmers complaining,
Have you seen a swimming cow?
One farmer has a massive lake
Where his crops once were,
The river is somewhere down in there,
It’s causing quite a stir.

A local pub has has water,
It’s lapping at the bar,
The publican faces ruin,
(It’s time for news from afar).
An old lady has been rescued,
She’s in an inflatable in the street,
Some kids splash by on scooters,
Her misery is complete.

“The council this, the council that!”
The council caused this rain!
They shouldn’t have given permission,
To build on a flood plain!”
Viewers screens are flooded,
Their patience down the drain,
They’ll move on, sympathy gone,
‘Not Me!’ syndrome again.

Postman Bob’s Final Countryside Round

Posted on January 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know your postie’s name? Chances are that if you live in a town or city he delivers while you are away at work. Here in the sticks we are far more likely to share a quick word with her or him as we tend to work close to home. Today we lose our postman Bob. Some invisible layer of overpaid management has decreed that he is not senior enough to be in charge of this rural round. I know we will get used to having a different deliverer, but that won’t stop us missing ‘Our Bob’.

So it’s fond adieu,
It’s the final day,
Of Bob delivering,
Around our way.
We who are,
Countryside clan,
Will miss the humour
From his little red van!
So thank-you Bob,
For making us laugh,
As now you head up,
A different path!
And as for ladies,
If you please,
They’re bound to miss,
Your knobbly knees!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life