Turkey Tales: Cyril the Turkey-Plucker’s Tale

Posted on December 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my favourite pictures of my late mother is of her modelling ‘peasant-wear 1980’s style’ in the turkey-plucking shed. In those far-off days (pre-1990s) we’d prepare over 2,000 turkeys for London butchers. For many years we even supplied the butcher at Windsor that produced turkeys for the Queen to give to officers stationed at the castle over Christmas (the shop is now an ice-cream parlour I believe). Local hand-pluckers used to want the work and extra money for Christmas. How times change! The turkey-plucking shed is now devoid of feathers, radio and pre-Christmas chatter, these days Eastern Europeans pluck vast numbers by machine and nobody believes the old stories anymore…
Cyril (in the rear of the photo) was an engine driver on the railways who came to the farm in early December to pluck turkeys on his days off. He worked out of Kings Cross Station, London. His favourite journey was from the terminus, splitting from the main line at Hitchin and running up to Cambridge. Every year he’d ask if he could have a bag of wheat from the farm and we’d provide a sack-full thinking that maybe he had chickens in his back garden. One year he told us the purpose of the wheat: On his way through Ashwell towards Cambridge, Cyril would occasionally throw wheat from the cab of the train. On the way back he’d stop the train, climb down from the cab and pick up any dead pheasants from a local estate that subsequent trains had hit. Quite often angry commuters would wind down the window and in angry tones shout, “What’s the problem, Driver?” Cyril would shout back, “Sorry for the delay sir, something on the track!”
Cyril died suddenly, some years before retirement. He was a kind-hearted man with a cheeky grin and a wonderful way with a story. We still miss him and always remember him at this time of year.

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Winter Warmer!

Posted on December 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day, son-in-law Bard and I went sawing wood. With great care (and an eye on the Health and Safety handbook) we used our sawbench/splitter and loaded the bucket on the JCB. The old David Brown tractor purred away on the mild December day. It was one of many warms twixt tree and fireplace and on such a mild day the sweat dripped under our protective gear…
Son-in-law John,
Sawing along,
We’re loading a bucket,
Without saying “f*ck it!”
While singing this old-fashioned song:

“How much wood,
Could a wood-cutter cut,
If a wood-cutter could cut wood?
It would be as much wood,
As a wood-cutter could,
When a wood-cutter should cut wood!”
And then went home for tea!

Bringing Outside Inside (how to confuse a terrier!)

Posted on December 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the weekend Mrs Bard and I went to buy a Christmas tree. While we moved the furniture we left the tree outside. We hadn’t told our terrier who took fright at the plastic wrapped tree and barked at it. Later on we confused the poor dog further by bringing the tree into the house…

The terrier looked at his owner and said:
“Is there something seriously wrong with your head?
Behind the house is woodland that’s yours,
Yet you buy a tree and bring it indoors!”

“Then you dress it all over with tinsel and balls,
And shout when I play with any that falls!
You fetch out some lights then swear as they fail,
It’s back to the shop, shame there’s no sale!”

“At last it is finished, you sit on the settee,
With a large glass of wine as proud as can be.
Within half an hour you suddenly swear,
When I cock my leg on the tree trunk that’s there!”

“I’m thrown out of the room
For ‘arbiratory pissing’
But you’ve failed to notice…
…how many chocolates are missing!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Joey the Wood-Carrier!

Posted on December 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My one-year, two-month-old granddaughter has a new boyfriend! Now before you cry fowl, it is at her instigation and despite offering him her precious monkey’s tail (which she sucks, is rancid and thankfully not normally offered), Joey (as we’ll call him!) is totally innocent of any wrong-doing. He lives in New York and is a model. However ladies, he is unique, not only is he easy on the eye and remarkably good company, but he carries and fetches as well (especially wood!)…
The ladies of the village,
Fell into a swoon,
When Joey (who’s a model),
Walked into the room.

He was soon surrounded,
By ladies of all ages,
Clucking and a coo-ing,
More than they do for babies!

Was I at all jealous?
As green-eyed monster can?
No, not a bit of it,
He’s a lovely caring man!

Some day when he’s famous,
As I’m sure he’ll be,
He’ll be welcomed back to the village,
By the ladies, granddaughter, and me!
Joey is off back to New York shortly, North Hertfordshire will miss him!
Visit again soon and Bon Voyage.

The Instructive Farm Walk (windy times down on the farm!)

Posted on December 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning, Son-in-law Bard and I went on a farm walk on somebody else’s farm. While you may think that this was simply a pleasant stroll in the rolling hills of North Hertfordshire followed by a spot of lunch, please step away from the presumption. This was a fascinating walk, observing another farmer’s methods along with experts. One expert (bad cop!) warned us of the penalties available from non-compliance of rules invented by Europe and gold-plated in London. The other (good cop) waxed lyrical about the added-value of conservation for the land, the beast and the bug. Now, before you think I’m being cynical, we have large areas of the farm dedicated to just this, so in some ways she was preaching to the choir. However you are never too old or too ugly to learn, so I hung onto every word (especially the warnings of financial penalties!)…
Thirty farmers went out on a walk,
To listen to advice and a cautionary talk.
Wearing wellies, coats and hats,
Flapping and walking like wax-clothed bats!

Storm force wind from the North West,
While we were told what bees like best!
Pollen and nectar margins are good,
For bees and bugs and beetles you should!

The dates when fertilizer, spread it you can,
Have been decided by desk-bound man.
You must keep the spread from a water-course,
Spread only so much from a sheep, cow, or horse!

Plant winter seed to feed wild bird,
To only plant millet would be quite absurd,
Add wild radish, mustard and kale,
The birds will be happy, you cannot fail.

Make sure you spray at recommended times,
Or you’ll be subject to varying fines!
Be aware of LERAPS, it’s a great solution,
If you wish to avoid prosecution.

Plant beetle banks to keep them alive,
Will also help your crops to thrive.
Other insects will become your friend,
And lessen the amount of chemical spend.

Don’t forget the NVZ,
Non-compliance, Bang! You’re dead!
Then of course there’s Cross-Compliance,
A multi-use tool (or fine-making appliance!),

But as one old farmer said to me,
Be better make profit from growing you see,
“Nobody cares about food anymore,
What we need now is a bloody good war!”
With thanks to all involved in the morning’s session at Bennington especially ‘Good Cop’ and ‘Bad Cop’ for making sense of much that befuddled me.
Glossary of Terms:
LERAPS: Local Environment Risk Assesment for Pesticides
NVZ: Nitrogen Vulnerable Zones
CROSS COMPLIANCE: A requirement for farmers to comply with a set of Statutory Management Requirements (SMRs) and keep their land in Good Agricultural and Environment Condition (GAEC) in order to qualify for Single Payment Scheme (SPS) and other direct payments.

The Evening Star!

Posted on November 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As dusk fell the other evening, I went out to the car. Looking up at the darkening sky I spotted, all on its own, the Evening Star…

I wondered…

How many of you looked up to the sky and saw that star?
Not many I suppose…

Those in town, hurrying home from work.
They can’t see because of light pollution. They saw nothing.
Those out at sea, bring goods from afar on ships.
They see, but not if below having their supper!
Shepherds strolling back from the hill towards the village.
They see, but not if they are home in the bath soothing aching limbs!
Nomads riding camels across the desserts.
They see, but not if they have pitched their tents for the night!

I wasn’t in town having my supper in the bath or pitching my tent!
…I saw!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Naked Weeping Willow!

Posted on November 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Recent high winds have changed the landscape in many places where trees have fallen. On the farm we have been mostly lucky and have suffered few losses. However it has heightened our awareness of the danger posed by some tall trees. Recently we have taken remedial action, not just to save a tall and imposing tree, but also to protect buildings and possibly life too. The willow will recover quickly as it is a very fast growing species…

If our willow had hands,
It would be covering its privates,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had legs,
It would be running away,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had hair,
Its head would be chilly,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had a mouth,
It would be screaming for clothes,
Like a man caught naked!

But all it does is weep,
…Like a man caught naked!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Forty-year-old Sandwiches!

Posted on November 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I spent a school summer holiday working for an agricultural engineer called Willie Williamson, in Baldock. I’d cycle the two miles from home with special sandwiches, that my mother had made, in my duffel bag. Recently I joined a group of villagers on a working party to tidy up the churchyard. We’d been asked to bring food to share. I decided to replicate history…

I made some sandwiches,
My mother used to make,
To go in my lunchbox,
Beside a slice of cake!
She’d take some bread,
Spread on some Dairylea,
The add sliced cucumber,
Was good enough for me!
Si replicated,
This forty-year-old snack,
And at the end of the day,
There were none to take back!

Step Away From The Bonfire (Unless you have a Derogation)!

Posted on October 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We live in changing times and have either to ‘go with the flow’ or risk alienation. I’m no fan of rules, regulation and red tape, however when a piece of legislation makes you stop and consider what you are about to do and explore alternatives, then maybe it has achieved its true purpose. Yesterday we were faced with the clear-up after the St Jude storm. We normally put fallen branches into the wood where it can rot down and become a home for bugs, beetles and other creepy-crawlies. However in this instance there was too much of the stuff and so we needed a bonfire. Official permission, in the form of derogation, has to be applied for before lighting up (along with a health and safety risk assessment)…

Yesterday morning I filled out a form,
In order to clear up after the storm.
We have to apply for a derogation,
From restrictions on burning across the nation.
I humffed in the office I must admit,
“These bloody forms, they’re all sh*t!”
But when I had considered what they are for,
My position started changing from before,
And little by little a change could be seen,
(My hands started first by turning green!)
The ubiquitous forms had made me consider,
The effect of my actions on wood, copse and river.
So having justified the reason in the end,
I felt self-righteous when I pressed ‘send’!
So now we can chain-saw to our hearts content,
Once I‘ve completed my risk assessment!

A Dog’s Life!

Posted on October 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have two terriers who make a pretty good job of ruling our lives. I would like to say they earn their keep as farm dogs, ratting and mouseing all day long, but I’d be lying. They make the most of their ‘down-time’ to such an extent that there is no longer any pretence at having any ‘up-time’ at all! When I come back to this world I want to return as a dog, that is, a dog that lives here with me…

It’s a dog’s life,
I’ve always said,
They do as they wish,
Then they hog the bed!

They get up in the morning,
Breakfast claim,
Rush off down the garden,
Less keen in the rain!

Then it’s back to the Aga,
Or sneak off up to bed,
That it’s a dog’s life,
Nothing more to be said!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life