The Perfect Storm!

Posted on October 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In these ‘forecast the worst – hope for the best’ health and safety-ridden days, potential disaster is pounced upon by 24hr media and official sources! For the past few days a storm of biblical proportions has been forecast. Prime Minister Canute has held a meeting to discuss how to save the country from its effects and local authorities rush around acting out the results of thousands of hours of Disaster Planning Contingency meetings. Yet again, Nature simply reminds us who is boss…

The forecasters gave out warnings,
Preachers said we’d sinned,
We battened down the hatches,
Waiting for disastrous wind!

We spent the night in the cellar,
The dogs thought we were mad,
I finished off the sloe gin,
This morning I feel bad!

The trains have all been cancelled,
The country is locked down,
If you have a meeting,
You won’t get up to Town!

TV’s in its element,
Reporters in the dark,
Looks like they’re in peril,
They’re in a local park!

It’s ‘The Perfect Storm’,
Threatened wind and rain
The reason it was perfect,
Was less violent when it came!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Missing Tractor!

Posted on October 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago I came across an old Massey-Ferguson tractor chained to a lamppost. It reminded me of foolish ways when I was young: Many years ago when I was just 15 and had just passed my tractor driving test, I ‘borrowed’ a tractor from the farm. I had a friend to stay and decided to use my newly-acquired qualification to transport us both to the local pub. Needless to sat the excursion ended badly…

“Let’s take some transport up to the pub!”
I said to my friend from town,
We can drive there via the lanes,
Much quicker than walking around.

We took the tractor from the shed,
As cool as cool can be,
Five minutes later we were sat in the pub,
The time was 7:03!

Within two hours we’d sunk some pints,
and were heading for the floor,
I said to my friend who was slurring his words
“We’ve enough time for a few more!”

On the way out we clung to the door,
So we didn’t fall outside,
We walked down the lane in a dreadful state
We’d only forgotten our ride!

We arrived at the farm covered in mud,
Our head and knees were sore,
We’d fallen in a ditch in a field,
We couldn’t drink any more!

The following day having suffered all night
At breakfast my old man said:
“I cannot believe the tractor has gone,
I’m sure I left it locked in the shed?”

I looked at my friend he’d turned white,
I remembered in a flash where it be,
So despite feeling bad I ran to the pub,
There it sat: unlocked, with the key!

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Red in the Morning, Shepherd’s Warning!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been a year of stunning red sunsets and wet weekends! Why can’t we confine precipitation to weekday nights and have dry Saturdays and Sundays? (not to mention Bank Holidays!) Of course that would be too utopian and dissent would soon follow! A couple of mornings ago nature put on a wonderful light show. It was so spectacular I had to phone-a-shepherd to seek an explanation…

The other morning,
Out of the blue,
The sky turned red!

Suspecting an alien
invasion of Baldock,
or at the very least,
a celestial
disturbance
or simply
a manifestation
of an ancient
weathered rhyme,
I rang a shepherd,
that I happen to know.

He said
it was probably,
just a warning!

Of what,
he declined to say!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
Tomorrow Morning
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Bunce the Cat and the Temporary Feeder!

Posted on October 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My daughter and family are on holiday and I have been left in charge! My major responsibility is the care of their cat, Bunce. Thank heavens he can’t report back as I’d be in trouble. However he voices his disappointment just by glancing at me. I know when I’m in trouble and this time it’s deep…

I’m looking after Bunce the cat,
I’m not sure what he thinks of that,
He’s always home at feeding time,
If I am late I’ve committed a crime!
He goes to ‘work’ every day,
When lesser cats just want to play.
He patrols the farm grain store,
Mice aren’t seen there anymore!
But when the tin is opened at night,
He purrs so loudly, all is right!
Then with stealth he’s through your feet,
And hides in a bedroom for a good nights sleep!

‘Bunce’ is named after the makers of our snowplough as he was rescued in a blizzard from a house where he was unloved and un-cared for. At some point he had an altercation with a car and so has a rather strange look about him. However he is now full of purrs and leading a very contented life (except when under the jurisdiction of the ‘Temporary Feeder’).

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Understandable Misunderstanding!

Posted on October 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I had to carry out an important task after a field had been sown with wheat. I had to mark out a footpath. Until the wheat breaks the surface we do this on the bare earth by driving across the field so the wheel-marks denote the footpath. Unfortunately to casual observers this can create an understandable misunderstanding…

A concerned friend was on the phone:
“Are you anywhere near your home?”
When I said ‘no’ he did yield:
“There’s a 4×4 driving on your field!
Now it’s stopped by the track,
I wonder if it is going back?”
I said ‘thanks, I will go and see,’
Didn’t let on that it was me!

Out Of My Office Window (I had a thought!)

Posted on October 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

First thing this morning I walked out to read the rain gauge. It read 4mm (1/8^th of an inch in old money). Yesterday we had sprayed the fields with a pre-emergence weed-killer. Back in the office I looked at the chemical bill. One of the chemicals had cost £90/litre! That’s over four times the price of an ordinary whisky! My mind yet again searched for alternatives and yet again failed to find a solution, apart from whisky…

The rain is falling from the sky,
The timing couldn’t be better,
My crops are ready to go, go go,
But the soil needs to be wetter!

Yesterday we sprayed the weeds,
With pre-emergence spray,
So when they poke up from the ground,
They’ll just fade away!

There’s only one small drawback,
It comes at thirty days,
The day we have to pay the bill,
For expensive weed-killing sprays!

Could we go organic?
Pigs we used to grow,
In thirty years even we broke,
As the bank manager used to know!

Could we go into dairy?
Milking cows twice a day,
The price for milk is decided,
By supermarkets – not fair play.

So all those great muck-makers,
Who would fertilize the field,
Oh! I also forgot more regulations,
Would not help with my yield.

So I am left non-organic,
Fertilizer from a sack,
Weed control from an expensive can,
That, I suppose, is that!
(until the next latest, greatest, farming-fad…Cheers!)

Empty Seed Bag Time!

Posted on October 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening John finished the rolling that follows the drilling of wheat and oats. All the seed is now in the ground. It is a time of great relief and all that can be done now is sort out troublesome weeds and wait until the spring when the crop will need feeding with fertilizer. Relief floods the farm…
Sow,
Sow,
Sow the oats,
In a nice straight row!
Now all we need is rain,
So the oats will grow!
Roll,
Roll,
Roll the oats,
Gently it may seem!
Crushing all those nasty clods,
Seedbed like a dream!

Zen and the Simple Theory of Tractor Maintenance!

Posted on September 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago a fitter for a local tractor dealer explained his ‘Simple Theory of Tractor Maintenance’: “Tractors only break down,” he said, “when you use them. If you are concerned about breakdowns, leave them in the shed.” Yesterday our trusty JCB Fastrac was feeling under the weather…

Oh dear me!
What can we do,
The tractor’s broken,
And we’re all blue!
It started when,
John went to plough,
The computer’s sick,
We don’t know how!
It started to flash,
A sequence of twenty,
Trouble we thought,
We’ve got a-plenty!
So on the phone,
To the local dealer,
Who we always call,
‘Our Faith Healer!’
We tried to describe,
What was wrong,
Our attempts to explain,
Agony prolong!
But then they came,
Of course they knew,
Replaced a part,
Happiness anew!
Worried about breakdowns?
Listen to Fred,
Simple answer,
Don’t leave the shed!

Oliver Landpower are our tractor gurus.
Find ‘Big Boys Toys’ aplenty at http://www.atoliver.co.uk/landpower/

Hot Spots Before the Cereal Bowl!

Posted on September 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of year it’s not just about getting the new crop in the ground. We have to keep an eye on the storage of the crop we harvested last month. Some of the wheat has left the farm and is probably well on it’s way towards your cereal bowl. The remainder is in a large heap on the floor of the barn…

I climbed the heap yesterday morning,
And sat upon the top,
Wiped the sweat from my brow,
Could have used a mop!

Then with a curdling scream,
(milked it for all it’s worth!)
I plunged the spear into the heap,
Went easier than in earth!
I pressed some buttons on the front,
The machine with a flashing light,
It gave me moisture and temperature,
Confirmed the wheat was alright!

But there was a different patch,
Where the temperature was quite hot,
So in went a fan driven sucky-thing!
To remove the bad warm spot!
I left it sucking for half a day,
And when I at last returned,
The temperature of the spot was down,
Another lesson learned!

So if your breakfast cereal,
Seems a little hard,
It’s not my fault, I’m telling you,
Didn’t come from my farm yard!

At the Pumps!

Posted on September 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At this busy time of year on the farm it’s vital that the diesel tank is full. When time is of the essence, a thirsty tractor arriving at the diesel tank only to find it empty is a disaster. However like most things that you see every day, the tank blends into the bakground and sometimes becomes invisible! The fuel companies that we use are well used to tardy farmers and shuffle deliveries around when needed, however on this occasion, wet weather and a lull in cultivations meant that I judged it just about right…

Very early yesterday morning,
There’s a lorry in the yard,
Making a most important delivery,
Without fuel our job would be marred.
In the most briefest period,
Four thousand litres in the tank,
Enough I hope to finish the land-work,
(Pay the bill, money from the bank!)
So when you’re next at the service station,
50 litres you’ve just pumped,
Thank heaven’s you don’t drive a tractor,
with 400 litres you’d be stumped!

Isn’t it strange? 530 blogs in 19 months with not a single mention of a tanker lorry and then two stories about tankers (one collecting, one delivering) back to back! (see yesterdays for Rural Overflows!) Many thanks to all at Watson’s and North Herts Farmers for keeping us in the furrow!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life