Rural Overflows!

Posted on September 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many advantages of living in the countryside. Naturally there are also disadvantages that the estate agents never mention. Perhaps the greatest of these can be found hiding at the bottom of many rural gardens and it’s not a fairy! Many country dwellers can only dream of the convenience and ease of that Utopian delight that urban dwellers take for granted, mains drainage…

There’s something growling at the bottom of the garden,
It’s oozing some horrific sludge,
The draining rods have failed to clear it,
The smelly unmentionables refuse to budge!

But I know some modern-day warriors,
Their blue tanker-chariot leads the fight,
Even though it’s now raining,
They will put the situation right!

“Honeywagon to the rescue!”
Lead the charge with extended hose!
Advancing with some powerful sucking,
All the effluent suddenly goes!

So if you live in an urban jungle,
You’ll never meet these noble men,
Who rescue countryfolk from ex-stink-tion,
Then with a flush they’re gone again!

With greatest of thanks to the Honeywagon Company for their tireless battle on our behalf against the overflow! The Honeywagon Company can be found at http://www.honeywagon.co.uk

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Our Very Own Aga Saga!

Posted on September 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many farmhouses here in the UK have an AGA range. Not only can they cook food, boil water and heat the house but they can also resuscitate lambs, dry wet clothes and warm tired aching feet! They come in either two oven or four oven models. Like anything, they are wonderful when going well. However, despite their simplicity, they need annual servicing and an expert if they fail. We have such a person, Duncan, and he rescues us when the 40-year-old AGA has problems…

The Aga sits contented,
Ours is coloured blue,
The kettle is on standby,
Cup of tea for you?
It comes complete with terrier,
(Not on the spare parts list),
When the Aga’s not alight,
It is sorely missed!

But what is this – it’s stone cold?
The dogs at once complain.
Where can I dry my soaking coat,
When in from pouring rain!
Rush to the phone – emergency,
Duncan can you come?
The Aga’s lost all it’s heat,
The dogs are looking glum!

Coming down the drive,
The sight of Duncan’s van,
Kitchen-range recovery,
Can he fix it? Yes he can!
He pokes, scrapes and prods,
The burner into life,
And all at once it’s better,
Again he’s saved our life!
Duncan Newton is an independant Aga expert covering Herts, Beds, Bucks, Essex and Cambs and can be reached at Newton Aga Services newtonagaservices@sky.com or 07971 064 282

The Waiting Game – An Occupational Hazard!

Posted on September 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Someone has pressed the pause button and the farm is silent. We ought to be out drilling wheat but every time it looks like we can get onto the fields, it starts to rain again! Farmer’s are used to this, it’s called ‘Sods Law’ otherwise known as ‘if you can’t stand the disappointment, get out of the field!’…

We’ve had enough rain,
To fill the ponds,
We’ve had enough rain to last.
The tractors haven’t moved a yard,
We’re getting nowhere fast.
The seed remains
In the half-tonne bags,
Sitting in the shed.
Folk who see it sitting there
Say “that’s not a fine seedbed!”
And so we wait,
And wait some more,
To get back on the land.
And then we’ll plant,
Our winter wheat,
And all will go as planned!

A Dirty Start to the Week!

Posted on September 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder if your job has a side that you dread at a certain time of the day or week? Perhaps you dread that ‘urgent’ e-mail on a Friday afternoon just as you’re about to slide off home for the weekend? Or perhaps the sudden sales trip that’s announced just before your child’s appearance in the school play or sports event? Here on the farm it is a dusty job right at the beginning of the day. Yesterday John and I were shovelling the last of the beans from a bin at 7am…

Two dishevelled creatures,
From the barn alight,
With de-shovelled stature,
First-thing Monday isn’t right!
The noise has been alarming,
The dust atrocious too,
They’re dripping sweat from every pore,
Hair-style comes from Peru!
But they are a-grinning,
There must be something wrong?
Broad smiles cross their faces,
All the beans are gone!

We Have Bean Away!

Posted on September 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In most years we store nearly all the crops in the barn until the co-operative (Fengrain) has sold them. This year everything seems to be topsy-turvy! We seemed to have harvested all the crops in the wrong order and now we are loading beans which is normally a winter job! The lorry driver commented, “last year when I collected beans it was -10 degrees, this year it’s touching +30!”…

Out of the bin,
roll the beans,
rattle into the conveyor.
Then along towards,
the elevator,
in a rolling bean-filled layer!
Up they rise,
to the top,
of the shed until the spout!
Where all at once,
gravity takes hold,
and with a fairground-rush they’re out!
Down into the truck,
with a mighty roar,
that deafens all who’re near.
Until the siren,
screams “LORRY FULL,
that’s thirty tonnes, yer hear!”
All that’s left,
is to roll over the sheet,
to protect the valuable load.
Oh! And then the paperwork,
bloody paperwork,
and then they’re off the farm by road!

Nature’s Cable Car!

Posted on September 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The Vanoise Express cable car in the French Alps is 1,824 metres long and was opened in December 2003 at a cost of €15m. It links the ski resorts of La Plagne and Les Arcs. It has two decks and can carry up to 200 people. The two units operate independently and have spare engines…

Phaah!
The efforts of man!
So often,
overshadowed,
by the effortless,
construction,
found in nature!
Yesterday morning,
on my way to open the gate,
I discovered a cable,
erected by an unknown spider.
There was no cost overrun,
and it was,
completed on time!
It stretched over five metres,
from a nettle,
high up on the bank,
across the track,
to the far hedge.
Which in spider terms,
is a far greater achievement,
than man could ever accomplish,
let alone,
without tools!

Harvest Home!

Posted on August 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We finished harvest yesterday just before lunchtime. By two o’clock were sitting in Cambridge crematorium to say goodbye and celebrate the life of Mike Windsor. As I sat there I realised that two harvests had been completed. Mike had been a gentle man, in all senses of the description. He was a ‘welcomer’: wherever he was , whatever he was doing, whoever he was with, he’d greet you with enthusiasm. I’m not going to go all holy, but if there is another room, one of the many people I would hope to see there would be Mike. Harvest is done…

The fields are dustless and silent,
The combine harvester’s not there,
The crops are safely in the barn,
Thoughts now turn elsewhere.

Rows of silent mourners,
Under that sad-place’s dome,
Where people also gather,
To celebrate “harvest home”.

Beans and Bindweed!

Posted on August 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night I had hoped to finish harvest. However at 10.30 the combine rolled back to the farm, mission unaccomplished. There was a patch of beans that was covered in bindweed. This is a weed from the past, it used to dramatically slow down the combine’s progress through wheat until a chemical was found to consign it to the history books. It is now only occasionally found in beans, and we found it last night…

Beans,
Beans,
Good for the heart!
Bindweed stops you,
Before you start!
If the sun shines,
Brightly today,
Then we’ll bean finished!
Hip! Hip! Hooray!
I wish to apologise for the quality of this morning’s verse, complaints can be sent to: Dept of Poor Quality Verse, London SW1 6GAG!

When I was a lad…!

Posted on August 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

“When I was a lad!” How I used to hate that phrase when I was young, as it always preceded a rant by some old fart about how the summers were warmer, the sky was bluer etc. ad nauseam. Now I am an old fart myself I have found myself wanting to do just that, so here goes…

When I was a lad…
harvest would take a fortnight,
three weeks if wet.
Alan Hughes would bring his combine,
a Massey Harris 780 special,
with an eight foot cut.
It traveled at a funereal pace,
so much so
that it was often
overtaken by a narcoleptic snail!
At around seven in the evening,
before he went home,
he would drink
a small bottle,
of cider (he didn’t like beer!)
to ‘lay the dust’!
The trailer would bring a ton,
of wheat to the farm
at a time,
which would be stored in bags.

This year, wheat and oat harvest
has taken just
twenty-four hours,
and beans eight hours
(so far, with another two hours to go!)
James brings his combine,
a John Deere 9780 CTS
with a twenty-four foot cut.
A decent jog is required
to keep up
with its forward progress
through the crop.
At around midnight
(or later if rain threatens)
the powerful floodlights,
return the surroundings to darkness,
and with a wave
James goes home..
The trailer brings seventeen tons,
up to the store,
and with a hiss of air brakes,
dumps the load
at the doorstep of my domain,
and dashes back for more,
leaving me to ‘cheat-shovel’
with the JCB bucket,
until it has disappeared
into the shed!
That is called ‘progress’!

The Proud Indian Runner Mum!

Posted on August 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have a group of ‘Indian Runner’ ducks, purely ornamental but with great characters. They live on a small pond in the corner of the wood. A few days ago one of them waddled into the farmyard with a surprise…

One Indian Runner,
Five little chicks,
Now under a heat lamp,
(started off as six).
For the last five years,
No chicks have been hatched,
Suddenly late summer,
That record has been scratched!
One proud mother,
Of whom we’re rather fond,
Will soon take her family swimming,
On the woodland pond!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life