How to Handle the Stress of World Markets!

Posted on August 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Every profession has its stress-points and problems, particularly in these uncertain times. Farming is no different. The price of grain rises and falls like the tide. News of French and Baltic wheat arriving at UK ports is enough to instantly remove £3/tonne from the wheat price. Likewise rumours of not enough rain in the Midwest of the US or extra demand from the Chinese can counteract this fall by the end of the trading day! Add to that the fact that we are harvesting crops planned in June 2012 and planted last September. The effects of the weather and idiot politicians since then play a part, and it becomes clear why there are so many anxious farmers at this time of year! However amid the dust and uncertainty of harvest appears something that, for me, immediately puts it all into context…

Some things in life are a nuisance,
Some things in life are a pain!
but none can be bettered,
Than a grandchild unfettered,
Sitting on a large heap of grain!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Eating Dust!

Posted on August 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I decided to harvest wheat rather than oats, the positioning of the fields made it easier. However I hadn’t reckoned on there being quite so much dust. So now we are racing through the wheat (as much as I can see through the clouds of dust!). I am not complaining as harvest is just the most wonderful time on a farm (when it’s going well!)…
I’ve been working all day in the dust,
My job description says I must!
If I were Andean I’d eat llama,
But here it’s dust because I’m a farmer!
Everyone else has air conditioning,
I don’t have it because of my positioning!
I’m in the store shovelling wheat,
And dust is all I have to eat!
So every trailer load I see,
Brings more dust just for me!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Start of Harvest?

Posted on August 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather forecast is good and the crops are ripe. Despite the usual last-minute panic (on my part), it looks like there is a good chance that we’ll start harvesting today. Others have been at it for what seems like ages, however it’s not a race to be won (apart from against the weather!) as different areas have different ripening times. We farm heavy clay soil which retains moisture and so are later harvesters than chalk and sandy soils. So our countdown is nearly over…

We hope to get the combine out,
Later on today,
We’ll all dash around,
Like maniacs at play!
We hope that the sun will shine,
We hope it will be fine,
I think we may cut the oats,
with the green combine!
It happens every year,
We’re lucky in that way,
We can announce:
Harvest starts today!

Look, Listen and Learn!

Posted on August 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was taken so far out of my comfort zone that I had to hitch a lift back to reality! I helped a friend put up a marquee (‘Help’ is used in its loosest context here). I had thought that, as a farmer, I could turn my hand to almost anything in a ‘Jack of all trades’ fashion. Well not marquee erecting! I discovered two left hands, two left feet and hearing loss. Even when showed the simplest of tasks, like throwing a weighted bag with a rope attached, I acted like a big girly and the rope went in the wrong direction! It was an object lesson in look, listen and learn…

Noah has his Eighteenth,
I hope it doesn’t rain,
My construction skills are useless,
An Ark is beyond my brain!

A trailer full of pieces,
Looked easy I confess!
Erecting a marquee,
More skill than I possess!

Far out of my comfort zone,
Wearing two left feet,
When I couldn’t throw a rope,
Humiliation was complete!

And when I had been shown,
How things should be done,
My inexperience let me down,
I wasn’t having fun!

Now marquee stands erected,
In the corner of the park,
I pray it doesn’t rain,
I can’t find that last Aardvark!
Robert and his marquees can be found at the finest functions in Hertfordshire. Noah and his friends will be found on Saturday night in the marquee celebrating his birthday, ‘A’ Level results and a marquee erecting NVQ! The Bard will be practicing his throwing!

Stacking Bales the Lazy Way!

Posted on August 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once worked for a boss who was fond of ‘his little sayings’. He’d say things like, “patience and perseverance will piddle a hole in a stone!” in a broad Ayreshire accent. Another of his sayings came to me when I was stacking bales with a machine: He hated laziness and what he termed ‘lazy ways!’ and so would have said this afternoon: “the longest way round is often the shortest way home!” We shall see if this saying has been correct this morning, it all depends on whether the stack is still standing…

I’ve been stacking bales of hay,
Kept me busy yesterday,
Back and forth with the Loadall truck,
To stop them collapsing took some luck!

Can’t believe the stack didn’t fall,
Held up I suppose by the old barn wall,
We shall see once the stack subsides,
Will it burst its bales from all sides?

If this morning when I walk to work,
If the stack has fallen I’ll look a berk!
But if the stack is still upright,
The stacking fairies have stacked overnight!

Harvest Worries!

Posted on August 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Farmers have a nasty habit of panicking if they happen to see their neighbours out on the field. This affliction is particularly common at this time of year. The ‘I’ve just seen a combine’ phone call can send farmers dashing to look at their own crops, just in case they have missed something on their last panic viewing! On Saturday I was running the boot sale when I spotted the tell-tale plume of dust followed by the appearance of Paul and John Cherry’s combine…

The dust announces the neighbours are harvesting,
And sends me quickly into a spin,
While I am busy at the boot sale,
They are getting their harvest in!

I must go and inspect my crops,
Even though I know the score!
I dash down to the furthest field,
The oats are just as they were before!

But what if by chance we could get the wheat?
Other fields have to be seen!
When I look closer at the crop,
The straw and ears are still quite green!

So I slunk off back down to the boot sale,
“Where did you dash to,” they all say?
“Did that green combine get you going?”
“Nah!” I replied, “I’m not bothered today!”

Surprise First Fruit!

Posted on August 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some forty years ago my mother and father planted a mulberry tree in front of the farm. Three years ago my father, who is much more of an expert on these things than I’ll ever be, pronounced the tree dead. As we were busy we never got around to cutting it down and it grew leaves and survived. This year, for the first time ever, it is showing signs of preparing to shower us with fruit. We have been discussing what we may do with the fruit…

We were to cut down the Mulberry bush,
The Mulberry bush, the Mulberry bush,
We’d cut it up to make some logs,
But we haven’t had the time!

There is fruit on the Mulberry bush!
The Mulberry bus, the Mulberry bush!
We going to pick fruit from the Mulberry bush,
For the very first time!

We will be making Mulberry gin!
Mulberry gin, Mulberry gin,
We’re going to make cocktails from the Mulberry gin,
And it will taste better than wine!

… and you’re all welcome to come and taste!

Reflections!

Posted on August 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I needed to look in the mirror the other day and realized with surprise how few we have in our house! I use one to shave and one to sometimes brush my hair/straighten an occasional tie and that’s about it! However it’s hardly surprising when you consider what a shock my reflection can be…

I looked in the mirror,
What did I see?
A strange old man,
Starred back at me!

His teeth were all crooked,
His hair was askew,
I said to myself,
“This can’t be you!”

“That can’t be me,”
As I reached for a drink!
I gave up on the mirror,
Don’t care what folk think!

Went out to the farm,
Fed the ducks, hens and geese,
Not one of them noticed,
Forgot my false teeth!

Walked across,
To where the grass is,
Suddenly knew the answer,
Give up my glasses!

The Farmer’s Back-up Team!

Posted on August 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have been caught out! For years I have attempted, through the use of long words and the phrase ‘it’s complicated’, to make it look as if my flirtation with the soil as a farmer involved a degree of skill. Recently a friend asked me to identify a weed in his garden in front of guests. He prefixed the request with the words: “You’re a farmer, you’ll know what this weed is!” I was flummoxed, not even Google or ‘phone a friend’ could get me out of this one. I had to admit that I employ a saviour called ‘David’, who walks the fields and advises me on all things agronomic! The truth was out. As the disappointed crowd dispersed and the tumbleweed blew past I could feel the word ‘pillock’ writ large upon my persona…

David walks the fields fortnightly,
Looking for pests and weeds,
Then comes with recommendations,
And supplies my chemical needs.

He writes out a recommendation,
(this stuff costs more than Scotch!)
And then a list of what to order,
I know well not to potch!

Then it’s on to James the contractor,
To tell him what, when and where,
He then comes and sprays the crops,
And alleviates the scare.

So next time you ask this farmer,
To identify a weed,
You’d do better to ring his advisor,
As this farmer’s gone to seed!

The Last Sunflower!

Posted on August 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Next to the car boot sale, in a field of beans, we have a single sunflower. It is the last remnants of a crop grown nine years ago. It stands alone like a colourful beacon in a sea of green. Perhaps it is a sign that I should grow the crop once more…

All alone
in a field of beans
the lonely sunflower
knows what solitude means!

Nobody to talk to
no-one will listen
no-one to see
her petals glisten!

Passing motorists
however look and say:
“That lonesome sunflower
has just made my day!”

If there’s a lesson
from this ground
it’s that unexpected gifts
in unusual places found!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life