A Hen Called Betty!

Posted on April 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the course of the last few weeks a fox has been killing our hens in broad daylight. I suppose I should have known that naming them was: a) asking for trouble, b) childish, considering I’m a grown farmer and c) likely to see a dramatic decline in egg numbers. I was right on all counts and by the weekend we were down to just Betty, her dancing partner Brenda having gone two days before. Drastic times called for drastic action…

The fox has been busy,
been killing again,
all that he left us,
a solitary hen.

She kept looking about
“Where the others be?
They seem to have deserted,
and gone without me!”

Betty’s been looking,
around for friend Brenda.
Wondering what she said,
that could possibly offend her.

It wasn’t much fun,
for the lonely old hen,
to spend her day wondering,
When her life would end.

So she’s gone to a new home,
about five miles away,
So we have no hens,
The farm’s silent today.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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A Farmer’s Uniform!

Posted on April 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have just spent over an hour downloading farmery stuff ready for an inspection later on in the week. Most publications carry photos of farmers looking at crops/grain/fertilizer in a pose reminiscent of Kim Jong-Un of North Korea inspecting a jam factory. On seeing the hundredth picture, something struck me as being rather odd. Like Kim, they were all wearing a uniform. I went to my wardrobe and discovered to my horror that I had caught the disease too…

You can always tell a farmer,
(not much it is agreed!),
They know nothing at all about fashion,
But overdose on tweed!

Some smell of cow muck,
and some they smell of pig,
I sometimes smell of diesel,
as we cultivate (or dig!)

So if you see me in town,
and you think I’ve gone to seed,
forgive me ‘cos I’m a farmer,
dressed from head to toe in tweed!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Royal Reporter!

Posted on April 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Her Majesty the Queen has been busy on the computer lately. In the guise of HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs) she has completely changed their PAYE (Pay As You Earn) programme. No longer does she require your figures at the end of each tax year, she commands you to send them immediately using RTI (real-time information). Unfortunately Her Majesty decided on using a different format to the one in use up to the end of the last tax year, and this has led to some confusion (certainly for me if not for others). However I am desperately attempting to contort myself so that I can award myself a pat on the back. After a very long morning yesterday, the Queen’s new programme is up and running and I am able to report to her every month. “Arise Sir Baldock?…”

The Queen and I are now quite close,
We no longer communicate by post,
We talk to each other every month,
when I furnish Ma’am with loads of bumpf.
I hope that our figures will always agree,
when she gets to see my PAYE!
Corgis yap around her feet,
as she checks to see if my return is complete!
The Duke mutters loudly “It’s not that hard,
if it can be understood by the Baldock Bard!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Mistaken Identity!

Posted on April 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago we had an emergency on the farm. A passer-by alerted the emergency services to a serious fire and the fire brigade arrived in force to put it out. On Saturday morning I had a customer run up to me and in a faltering voice, between heavy breathing, told me that there was an identical fire by the car boot sale entrance…

“Fire! Fire! Fire!
Call the fire brigade!
there’s smoke down by the entrance,
looks like by yobs it’s been made!”

“Calm down sir, I beg you,
Take deep breaths right now,
Explain carefully if you can,
What, where, when, and how!”

“That straw stack there’s on fire,
it’ll spread across the road,
cars will crash quite soon I fear,
and lorries lose their load!”

I sat him gently in a chair,
“I’ll bring a cup of tea to you,
your straw stack is a pig muck heap,
just a pile of steaming poo!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Naughty Alfie!

Posted on April 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was picking up the litter after this morning’s car boot sale when I heard shouting from the footpath behind the hedge. I saw a black, spaniel-sized dog, running across our neighbour’s field of oil seed rape. The more the dog’s owner shouted, the further away the dog ran. I was half expecting it to disappear through the fence to chase the sheep in the far field. Thankfully it was distracted by a flock of pigeons…

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…”
Alfie’s owner puffed,
while his wife looked furious,
and his daughter huffed.

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I will tan your hide,
then lock you in the garage,
not let you come inside!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
leave those sheep alone,
If you don’t come along soon,
You won’t be coming home!

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with that lamb,
we’ll feed you when we get home,
some nice organic ham!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I’ll soon be at a loss,
the farmer has a gun,
and he’s looking very cross!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with those sheep,
why they’re in the countryside,
when it’s cold and threatening sleet?”

Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
Killed the lamb with just one bite,
the nasty farmer shot him,
he won’t be home tonight.

Please note: It is not advisable to feed a dog on ham, it is only used in this context as it rhymes with lamb! The author takes no responsibility for the diet of reader’s dogs.
I (along with most farmers) find the thought of killing a dog abhorrent, however it is up to responsible dog owners to keep their dogs on a lead in the countryside and away from livestock.
Unfortunately, while farmers are within their rights to shoot a dog worrying livestock, the same does not apply to punishment of irresponsible owners.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Dancing Cock Pheasant!

Posted on April 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

All around the farm, cock pheasants are trying their very best to impress a mate. Dressed in their finest plumage, they puff out their feathers in a vain attempt to look larger and more macho than the competition. The poor hens hide themselves away and feign disinterest. All the while secretly laughing at the ridiculous attempts at courtship. It is an area where internet dating has yet to reach…

Strutting through the garden,
Doing his Cocky dance,
Wearing his brightest colours,
Going to advance!

On some poor innocent hen,
All drably dressed in brown,
Won’t be very impressed,
When Mr Cocky comes around!

Ignores his obdurate,
Playing hard to get,
Let him puff and strut,
Won’t become his pet!

He dances up to her,
Shakes off all the dust,
It’s then that she relents:
“Ok if you must!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Happy Easter!

Posted on March 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once heard a non-Christian say: “You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas and Easter!” I thought this was a great sentiment, after all, we all need an excuse to celebrate in the austere times. So here’s to you all, whatever your beliefs, Happy Easter…

Across the fields,
the church bells ring.
Whilst inside,
the choirs sing!

In the town,
supermarkets closed,
their aisles are empty,
why, no one knows!

Children laugh,
their mouths are brown!
As they pass,
the eggs around!

I hope you all,
have great fun.
Happy Easter,
to everyone!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Warm Number One!

Posted on March 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once worked on a Cambridgeshire estate. One of my fellow-workers, Derek, used to tell of the warms that you can get whilst logging a tree; One to cut down the tree, one to cord it up into lengths, one to load it onto the trailer, one from stacking it off the trailer back in the estate yard, one to saw up the lengths and one to split the sawn pieces, one when you filled the log shed and one when you took the logs to the fire and finally one from the fire itself! I make that nine warms from one tree! Today we are only on the first…

A giant Ash has fallen to earth,
It must have crashed down, by the size of its girth.
It no longer stands tall and proud,
One on its own, one in a crowd.
The chainsaw buzzes, heard for miles,
Sawing into cords then stacked in piles.
That’s one warm gained from this mighty tree,
Be quite a few more before it warms you and me!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Beware of Crossing Ducks!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A whole car-load of us were leaving a party on Sunday afternoon when we spotted an unusual sign. We kept our heads down and said nothing until we were well away from the venue. I have heard that ducks can turn nasty when crossed, but had no idea we had to be warned against this happening…

The ducks have turned nasty,
Someone’s wound them up,
Their leader has told the press,
They’re holding a hostage pup!

It wasn’t all my fault,
I was just mistaken,
‘Beware of Crossing Ducks!’
Nearly cost my bacon!

We were driving down near Ware,
When out from off a pond,
A duck armed with a shotgun,
Obviously badly wronged!

“Are you the dirty rat?” he cried,
“Lowlife son of a gun!”
As he chewed on a piece of pondweed,
“Have you seen my Betty-hun?”

“Wasn’t me it was her!”
I pointed to my wife!
“She ordered duck for dinner,”
(I pleaded for my life!)

“Now look here, you @*&%@+$!”
I heard my beloved cry,
“You blaming me for what I ate?
I’d be careful if you were I!”

The duck stepped back three paces,
“I’ll be letting you all be,”
Turning to me he warned:
“You’re in trouble enough without me!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Third World Facilities!

Posted on March 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a United Nations report, six billion of the world’s seven billion people have a mobile phone, whereas only 4.5 billion have access to a toilet. It is many years since the public toilets in Baldock closed and the phone signal in the town can be lamentable. Baldock is just 25 miles North of London, with third world facilities and phone signal….

I was shopping in the High Street,
I knew something was amiss,
I thought I’d finished shopping,
But had mislaid my list!
I decided to ring Mrs Bard,
To save another trip,
Alas no signal on my phone,
Not a single blip!
Then I spied the phone box,
Standing all alone,
I’d forgotten how to use one,
I went in and rang my home!
While waiting for an answer,
I thought what could this be?
I felt increasing pressure,
Was desperate for a pee!
The toilets are all closed,
So to avoid any yelps,
I drove to the superstore,
Where every little helps!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Bootsale returns from hibernation on the 13th April 2013!
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

A Hen Called Betty!

A Farmer’s Uniform!

The Royal Reporter!

Mistaken Identity!

Naughty Alfie!

The Dancing Cock Pheasant!

Happy Easter!

Warm Number One!

Beware of Crossing Ducks!

Third World Facilities!