The March Blanket!

Posted on March 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Woke this Saturday morning to a blanket of snow. News channels are enjoying a feeding-frenzy of low-cost pictures of sliding cars with spinning wheels and disgruntled drivers. Livestock farmers feed their livestock with ever-dwindling supplies and on some farms, seed sits in the bag rather than in the ground. This time last year we had a hosepipe ban and seaside-style temperatures. No two years are ever the same, particularly on an Island such as ours – just ask a farmer! But what do we know compared to some climate-change preacher who lives in Islington and works in an office! Spring is in the air…

March the twentieth 2013,
a week before Easter.
Spring has sprung,
and winter
is put away
for another year,
in a box marked:
DO NOT OPEN UNTIL
December 21^st 2013.
Spring…
a time for daffodils
and crocuses
and
newly-born
lambs gambolling
on fresh grass,
the warm sun
on their backs
and…

“heavy snow
across parts
of Eastern England.”
It’s Saturday
March the twenty-third 2013,
and a white blanket
lays across
the fields.
The geese look
upon this winter scene
with surprise,
nobody warned them!
In the yard,
a confused pick-up,
wears a white hood.

The snow-plough,
another winter passed,
has been
greased
maintained
and forgotten!

Some will say
“That’s Climate Change
for you!”

Strange that
my father’s
and
grandfather’s
diary’s show
that no two years
have ever been
the same….

Plus ca change
c’est la meme…

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Youngest Farmer!

Posted on March 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

To grandparents, grandchildren are the most beautiful and gifted children on earth (even if they’re not!). Evolution has made sure that only the best talents and traits are passed down through the generations. I know it’s true, ask any grandparent! They will never be slow to point out where the finest attributes come from and will modestly reply “me of course!” So when my granddaughter arrived dressed for the farm the other morning, it was obvious (to me), where such fashion-consciousness stemmed from…

My granddaughter is a farmer,
She wears a farmer’s cap!
She has tractors on her sleep-suit,
Owns a terrier and a cat!
Her daddy drives a tractor,
She waves when he goes by!
If she ever works in an office,
Then maybe pigs might fly!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Dolly’s Proud of her Mummy!

Posted on March 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There was great excitement amongst the animals on the farm. On Friday a very excited Dolly the Horse rushed up to me to tell me the good news: Charlotte (her mummy!) was not only celebrating a birthday (Dolly was hoping for cake!), but also had also passed her HGV Lorry Test with flying colours. Now all the animals are looking forward to outings! Unfortunately there seemed to be a distinct lack of cake…

Dolly’s proud of her Mummy,
She’s passed her lorry test.
Just in time for Mother’s Day,
Dolly says that she’s the best!
Dolly wants an outing,
To a local show.
She’ll badger her Mummy constantly,
And then she’ll get to go!
Rosettes for her collection,
She will win (of course)!
But there again you must know,
She’s a very talented horse!

So if you see a lorry,
Coming from the farm with wheat,
Don’t be surprised,
Believe your eyes,
Dolly’s in the driver’s seat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Racing Farmers!

Posted on March 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are a number of famous motor races that include racing at night, Le Mans being the most well-known. Less renowned is the annual race when farmers are busy planting crops in the Spring. In this race the rival is the weather. For a few, bragging rights, over other less-fortunate farmers, are sometimes seen as a bonus…
In the dark the tractors work
Racing to beat the rain
When it starts it may not stop
Like last year again?
The drill is planting bean seed
The rolls follow on behind
They’ve been on the go since 7am
In Spring that’s what you find!
Late at night the world is still
The tractors in the barn are found!
Empty bags of seed as well
The contents in the ground!
Todays verse is dedicated to the memory of local farmer Peter Hughes who died last week. Peter enjoyed telling a good story and was a wonderful raconteur. He was a contented farmer who loved the land and his community, serving for more years than can be counted on his local Parish Council. Wherever Peter went, laughter was never far behind. One of his famous quotes resides in my file of quotes: When speaking about an Uncle Morton who was a shepherd who never said much, he added: “Take more than a bright star and a second coming to get him going!”
Rest in Peace.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Bogged Down with Cultivations!

Posted on March 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been a strange twelve months weather-wise! A year ago we had drought and were worried that there’d be no rain to germinate the seed. Once the rain started it didn’t stop. My father always told me (regarding rain): “The ground is like a drunken man, the more it has the more it wants!” Judging by parts of the field we’ve been cultivating I can honestly say it’s had enough and it’s time to go home…

Cultivate,
Before too late,
Because the weather,
Doesn’t wait!

Don’t forget,
Ground is wet,
Oh my heavens!
Tractor’s set!

Back to farm
Raise alarm!
Pull me out?
Tractor back to barn!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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Oats Away!

Posted on February 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Another bout of loading lorries on the farm. We’ve moved oats from the bins in the main grain store into the flat floored barn. This is for two reasons: firstly so we load the lorries quickly using the large grain bucket on the JCB Loadall and secondly so that we can do a final visual check for quality and take a moisture reading before the load leaves the farm. Unfortunately this doesn’t always guarantee a claim-free consignment as the mill can choose a test from a different part of the load…

We’ve sent away a load of oats
So in the bank we’ll be putting pound notes!
They’ve gone North to make boxes of porridge,
To be sent back to towns like Norwich!
In the next day’s post there’s a notification,
They’ve cut the price for non-specification!
Moisture wrong and admix not nice,
£5 per ton removed from the price!
I suppose all in all I can’t complain,
I finished harvest before the rain!
So I won’t boast or tell a story tall,
As some have no harvest to sell at all.
We should never boast or brag,
Until the deal is in the bag!
I recommend that you eat oats of course,
Because they’re pure and contain no horse!
© Baldock Bard 2013

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Frosty Sounds!

Posted on February 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Thankfully February is drawing to a close. The weather is becoming slightly warmer, the sun a little brighter, the evenings gradually lighter and we can start to think about coming out of our winter hibernation…

‘Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop!’
echoes around the farmyard.
Either a film sound-man
is knocking
two empty coconut shells together,
or Dolly and Charlotte
are returning from an early
pre-work ride on this frosty morning.

A conference invitation
drops onto the mat.
An exciting chance to hear
how a remarkable
new chemical
will obliterate weeds and
magically enhance the farm’s profits.
After the industrially-sponsored buffet
a bank manager will explain
how market trends can lead to
Future Profits
(One wonders for whom?).

Meanwhile snowdrops,
sheltering under a hedge,
quietly announce:
“Another Spring is around the corner!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Prime Beef!

Posted on February 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

So the great horsemeat saga continues to run with no sign of the finishing post in sight. Ministers call in supermarket bosses for a chat (they daren’t say too much for fear of a drop in donations to the party coffers) and more food is removed from sale. The simple fact remains: the only way to ensure what you are eating is what it claims to be and no animal cruelty is involved – Buy British. Otherwise you get what you pay for and a whole lot more…

The Findus Stakes have been cancelled,
At Market-Rasen and Newmarket too,
It won’t be seen at Ascot with the Queen,
I’ve got the runners, have you?
There’s tiger bread in the supermarket,
A zebra is crossing there too,
Would you eat a jumbo sausage,
If Findus sponsored a zoo?
© Baldock Bard 2013

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The Agricultural Conga Line!

Posted on February 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is one thing above all else that irritates me regarding my fellow tractor drivers. It is their inability to pull in to let traffic pass. They drive for miles, seemingly oblivious to the line of traffic stretching into the distance behind them. The greatest exponents of this ‘let’s piss off the public’ game can be the large contractor, often with a base miles away, who can behave as if they own the road…

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
The queues are getting longer!
I’m in the way,
Join my queue today!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
I know that it’s wrong-ga!
They cannot pass
I won’t go on the grass!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
I like to sing along-ga!
Drivers in a bate,
Now they’re running late!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
Join me in my song-ga!
Bring a tractor too,
And you can join my queue!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
Etc….(ad nausium)

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Very Pleasant Plucker!

Posted on January 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was sitting in the garage plucking pheasants and letting my mind wander. I started to attempt to recite an old country verse with little success! There was only one thing for it, grab a pen and write my own version…

I’m not a pheasant plucker,
I’m just sitting on this chair,
Plucking at this pheasant,
With feathers everywhere!

I’m not an Ice Road Trucker,
I’m an Ice Road Trucker fan,
I pretend I truck the Arctic,
Down to Baldock in my van!

I’m not an antiques expert,
At an auction for a Grand,
I’ve bought so much by mistake,
I’m sitting on my hand!

I’m not a proper poet,
I’m just writing words in rhyme,
A sonnet here? Limericks appear!
I do it all the time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

The March Blanket!

The Youngest Farmer!

Dolly’s Proud of her Mummy!

Racing Farmers!

Bogged Down with Cultivations!

Oats Away!

Frosty Sounds!

Prime Beef!

The Agricultural Conga Line!

The Very Pleasant Plucker!