Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life

Shooting a Squirrel (with camera!)

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When I was young I was keen on shooting. I started with an air-gun on the multitudes of sparrows and starlings that used to guzzle the expensive pig food, moved on to a shotgun against pigeons that were guzzling the oil-seed rape plants and onto pheasants for the pot. As I grew older my aim grew more haphazard until I was even missing barn doors! The last time I fired a gun in anger didn’t go well and so I now confine myself to ‘safe shooting’ with a camera…

There was a squirrel eating oats in the shed,
that I’d put out for birds instead,
I thought I’d go fetch my gun and see,
I remembered last time – ‘stupid me’:

I’d poked the gun out from the window,
lined up the animal (not a flamingo!),
pulled the trigger to shoot it dead,
and shot the gutter downpipe instead!
The next time it came to rain
downpipe like a colander – not the same!

So having learned an expensive lesson,
I took a picture of the delicatessen,
leaving the gun safely locked away,
and the gutter to live for another day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The First Cut Of Spring!

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In past years I’ve always made the mistake of leaving the first cut of our grass too late with the result that the first cut has been hard work for the mower. Yesterday I went to get the mower out of the shed having forgotten that I’d manually pushed it in there last Autumn when it broke. Coming from the ‘bodge-it-and-pray’ school of engineering, I effected a temporary repair…

This farmer went to mend,
his mower in the shed,
He’d had all winter to mend it,
or that’s what his wife said!
First it wouldn’t start,
then it wouldn’t run,
the farmer scratched his head,
“This will not be fun!”
The drive belt was so frayed,
the blades they were worn,
another belt was so old,
it was there when he was born!
The easy belts replaced,
just so it would go,
started it with jump leads,
and off he went to mow!
His fingers crossed it did the job,
it could have been despair,
ask him where the mower’s gone now,
to the dealer for repair!

I should have been a Boy Scout then I’d always be prepared!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Naughtiest Dog…

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Like many farmhouses, ours has a large garden. It is surrounded by an agricultural-style fence to keep rabbits out and dogs in. However unlike most farmhouses, ours is home to the Naughtiest Dog in the Whole Wide World…

We let our terrier out of the door,
a call of nature was needed,
a muntjac deer strolled across the lawn,
“Come back here!” we pleaded.
They chased all around the garden,
at last the terrier tired,
the muntjac cleared the four-foot fence,
and the naughty dog retired.
Now it is down to the lead of shame,
so the episode isn’t repeated,
I do so hope the muntjac,
has back to the wood retreated.

Why is it that the smallest dog we have ever owned is the most disobedient?
I had to apologise to the person on the end of the phone as she suffered an ‘Anneka Rice’ moment as I ran down the garden swearing at the dog!
(We love her really although she can be tiring!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Charlie Comes To Visit!

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Have you ever revisited an old haunt or workplace and been disappointed? I can remember driving past my old primary school and thinking how small and insignificant the playground looked fifty years later! Return visits to former places of work can dredge up all sorts of memories that one would rather forget. Thankfully there are exceptions to the rule and yesterday my theory was well and truly disproved…

Charlie worked as our student,
I think it was ’91,
and although I was his young boss,
we seemed to have such fun!

He came to stay this week,
with wife, 9 and 7 and 5,
it was as if he’d not been away,
when he drove down the drive.

I guess that’s the mark of friendship,
that those years seemed just days,
It’s a shame they live in New Zealand,
in so many different ways!

While reminiscing I forgot to tell him one story from those years: We had a group of sixth-formers visit the farm (in those distant days before Health and Safety kicked in). After a tour discussing farming, grain mountains and Europe, they got to try their hand at driving a tractor and 4×4 on a grass field. Last summer I was approached in the town by a woman with three children, she asked: “Are you the farmer?” I relied that I was a farmer! She said “I came to visit your farm many years ago and a very nice lad showed me how to drive a tractor and I’ve never forgotten that day!” So there you go Charlie, you made an impression then as you continue to do now.
I won’t spoil the story by telling everyone that you drove the Land Rover (see above) into a tree just before the school visit! BB 

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Indestructible Toy!

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While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Bride’s Verse!

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Every morning when I get up at around 7am, I wonder how I’m going to fill the blank computer screen for my daily blog. Mostly it depends what has happened the day before, or what is about to happen or what photo I can find. As I blunder down the stairs my mind is desperately searching for a topic. This morning it was blank until it remembered a dream and at the same time my phone went ‘ping!’. About fifteen minutes later (my daily time limit) the job is done, all thanks to a future bride…

I have a strange imagination,
which when asleep causes consternation.
I have these dreams almost always weird,
I woke up this morning – barmy I feared.
I stumbled downstairs grabbed a mug,
carton of milk (you notice no jug!).
Started to think about what to write,
remembered my dream overnight!
I’ve been asked if I’d chauffeur a bride,
On her wedding day – a tractor ride!
In my dream there was deep snow,
(highly unusual for July I know!)
Then to make my morning weird,
a message on my phone appeared:
I nearly choked on my tea,
the very same bride a friend request for me!
So thank-you Emma for my daily verse,
there won’t be snow or anything worse,
I’ll clean out the cab for your tractor ride,
and all will be perfect when you’re a bride!

Emma is a nurse so I may be asking for stronger medication!
(She is also special as she was born on the farm and was a wonderful nurse at a time when we most needed help).
Have a good day and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Revenge of the Punt Gun!

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A punt gun is a spectacular piece of armament. It was made to attach to a small canoe-type boat which when fired was akin to putting an outboard engine into reverse at full throttle. It was particularly popular in the sparsely populated East Anglian Fens…

I was chatting to a neighbour on Tuesday,
who said he’d held a punt gun,
he showed me a photo of him holding it,
I agreed it looked kind of fun!
Later I drove up the high street,
a ‘Yoof’ cut me up at the lights,
proceeded to give me the finger,
and suggested he knew all his rights!
I imagined I’d mounted the punt gun,
behind my Mitsubishi grill,
pulled the trigger and blasted him,
and his poxy car right up the hill!

…and they say size isn’t everything!
Thank you David for the inspiration

© Baldock Bard 2018
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An Outbreak of Cones!

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Last night when I went to bed, I noticed something odd about the doorway to my Granddaughter’s bedroom. Looking rather like the approach to roadworks on the M1 motorway, the whole carriageway was coned off…

We have a no-go area upstairs,
it’s called Grand-daughter’s room,
the cones are there for all to see,
‘No Entry’ for us I presume.
What lies beyond the barrier?
What secrets does the room contain?
We haven’t dare enter for over a week,
a bedroom entry refrain!
We’ve been searching for someone brave,
a knight on horseback would do,
a man in high-vis from top to toe,
or a motorway maintenance crew!

Have a great day and avoid those roadworks if you can!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Threatened and Mugged!

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Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Demo!

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Yesterday I was chopping some wood when some visitors to the farm walked by to see what I was doing. I explained that the machine on the back of the tractor had a worm that bored into the wood and it split, “Just like this…”

I threw the small axe over my shoulder,
“Won’t need that!” I said getting bolder,
I put the large log onto the splitter,
“The downside is – I don’t get fitter!”
The worm bored into the trunk of the tree,
I struggled to hold it in line with my knee,
Then all of a sudden with a relieved laugh,
The tree trunk cracked and split in half!

When they had gone the next three logs were excessively difficult and I realised then that a demonstrators job is never quite as easy as it looks!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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