Bruce the Cockerel

Posted on August 31, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

As with our cats and dogs, farmyard animals become members of our extended family. It’s probably because we name them and see them wandering around the farm every day. Our North Holland Blue Cockerel died this week and it’s not only the hens that are missing him…

Bruce the Cockerel is no more,
We found him dead upon the floor.
Why he died we cannot say,
He just looked hunched then passed away.

Unlike some cockerels he was kind and gentle,
So his loss to the hens is monumental.
The farm is quieter now we know,
We’ll no longer be woken by his morning crow!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow morning at 7am!
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Loads of Wheat and Paper!

Posted on August 29, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week the wheat on the farm was tested, this week it starts to leave! Paperwork and regulations, devised by unseen desk-drivers, becomes all-important! It is simple to load and cart grain with the large bucket on the JCB. Making sure the paperwork is correct, less so…

N.B. This verse is dedicated to all those connected with Fengrain and L&H Transport for making my life that bit easier due to their expertise and good humour

Amy from Fengrain’s on the phone she wants to move some wheat,
She’ll get on to transport, to make the consignment complete!
Mick rings up from L&H, “We want six lorry loads,
Can we start Tuesday to miss the Bank Holiday roads?”
Ian arrives to collect a load, early on Tuesday,
Wants a load of quality wheat, “for biscuits so they say!”
So starts up a paper trail, longer than a mile,
Loading the wheat takes no time, but forms take quite a while!
Traceablity is the game, any farmer can play,
When imported wheat is cheaper, it magically goes away!
First take a passport, needed for every load,
Make sure it’s filled in triplicate, before it hits the road.
Add an Assurance Sticker, after examination took place last June,
Thank heavens that we passed it, failure leads to doom!
Add the lorries last three loads, having fully inspected the trailer,
Get the driver to countersign, or you will have a failer!
Fill in the Renewable Energy Directive, crops not grown on an SSSI?
It’s something to do with Brussels, heaven and they know why!
A test result for Mycotoxyn, I’ve done a risk assessment,
By this time I’ve lost the will to live, just protecting my grain investment!
Then I sign the haulier’s pad, I add the trailers code,
I write that he’s swept it three times, after every load!
So next time you buy Cream Crackers, Bourbons or Rich Tea,
The traceability process was started here by me!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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The Garden Strimmer!

Posted on August 28, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am not a great gardener. I find there are a million and one more enjoyable things to be done before tinkering with the trellis, haranguing the hedge or grappling with the grass. Mrs Bard says that all I want is the ‘Parasol and Pimms’ part of gardening and that I always seem to ‘pull a Houdini’ (rather than a muscle), when there is work to be done…

Mrs Bard gave me a strimmer for my birthday
I gave her a piece of my mind
She said the garden was overgrown
I thought that she was unkind

Until I went to take a look
And found the shed had gone
I found grandma sat in the long grass
With the lost patio set she was on!

I found the lawnmower choked right up with weeds
Put my foot in a water-filled bucket
Hobbled around clutching my leg
Shouting loudly “OH BOTHER!”

The Temporary Office!

Posted on August 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Amongst the many e-mails I receive from this blog every day, there can be some bizarre requests and accusations. There is a woman in Wisconsin who is convinced that I’m her cousin as he is the only one who could have known ‘her story’ that I wrote! A correspondent from Yorkshire was aggrieved that I failed to give his transport company a mention whilst mentioning a competitor. This week E.L. from California wants a picture of my office so she can discover if surroundings affect the quality of writing – I couldn’t possibly comment…

No more sitting in my temporary office,
I’ve put the chair and ‘desk’ away,
My wheat harvest is now finished,
In the darkness – Saturday.

No more dust in the grain store,
I must clean the Macbook Pro,
Supper eaten after midnight,
Helps to slim a fat torso!

No more hanging on every word,
The forecaster has to say,
The horror of “some scattered showers”,
Or “rain due sometime later today!”

The value of the crops is rising,
Drought affects the whole Mid-West
Russia’s tonnage seriously down,
More expensive food to digest!

Higher prices bode well for profit,
However I can’t tell,
Because everything else will rise in price,
Not just the crops that I can sell!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Rescuing Rat-Nav!

Posted on August 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Nothing exciting happens during harvest-time mornings. We clear up in the grain store from the night before and check the moistures of crops in the fields to see which will be harvested that day. In my trusty Isuzu Trooper I have a furry rat given by my daughter and christened ‘Rat Nav’ (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=718). Yesterday morning looked like a very ordinary day. Little did I know that smoke, flames and a fire engine were about to shatter the peace…

I drove to the field to test some wheat,
Things hadn’t gone well and I needed to eat,
I did a test in three of the fields,
Wondering if we’d harvest any good yields.
As I drove back across the stubble,
Steam rose from my bonnet, I was in trouble!
I looked at the gauges and gave them a poke,
It wasn’t steam, it was smoke!
I crossed the road with a squeal of tyre,
The smoke now billowed like a leaf bonfire,
I drove into the yard, stood on the brakes,
‘That sounds like the crackling, a real fire makes!’
I grabbed the moisture tester and a bunch of keys
When I heard a little voice: “Save me please”
I returned once more to the burning pyre
And pulled poor Rat Nav from the fire!
“I know I’m a rat and not a mouse,
but you’ve just destroyed my silver house!”
Just at that moment firemen appeared,
“That’s well alight, just as we feared!”
I quickly passed Rat Nav to my daughter,
Man holding toy doesn’t seem as it oughta!
With fireman gone, I gave the rat an assurance
“We’ll replace your home, we’ve got insurance!”
She tossed her hair, “Doesn’t bother me!”
“I’m off to live, on your JCB!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow morning at 7am! 
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You just can’t trust shepherds these days!

Posted on August 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On Tuesday night there was an absolutely spectacular sunset. Using the tried and tested shepherd’s-rhyme I made my plans for Wednesday. Nature’s light-show predicted a dry day, no matter what the forecaster’s said…

“Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning,
Red sky at night, shepherds delight,”
Ha-bloody-ha, that’s not true,
Old country saying, gone askew!

Wednesday morning I tell all,
“Going to be dry here in Clothall,”
Can you imaging: I looked a buffoon,
When it was raining before noon!

I rang a firm to order fuel,
Told Sue that I felt a fool!
She adjusted a line, although rather dire:
“Red in the morning, shepherds hut’s on fire!”

So:
Run shepherd, run shepherd,
Run, run, run.
Here comes Baldock Bard with his
Gun, gun, gun…etc.
With apologies to Flanagan and Allen et al, 1939/1940

Nervous Breakdown!

Posted on August 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Any farmer will tell you that the greatest problem with combine harvesters is that they only break down at harvest time! Invariably there is trouble when the forecast warns of rain and you’re desperate to finish a field before the crop gets wet or ruined. Rod, a mechanic with local agricultural engineers Buckles, has been coming to the farm for over 25 years. Cometh the hour, cometh the man…

Before lunch on Sunday the wheels stopped turning,
The combine halted, we could smell burning!
Stiffly clamber down, been too long seated,
Smoke from a bearing that’s overheated!

Undo a pulley on a large lump of steel,
There’s smoldering dust, the danger was real,
Ring the dealer for a brand-new bearing,
The nearest one is Nottingham, cue some swearing!

Monday morning out comes Rod,
Takes one look, “That’s a real sod!”
Rummages around in his John Deere van,
Can he mend it? – Of course he can!
An adjustment with a hammer is no disgrace,
When the bloody thing won’t go back, it’s hard to replace!
Very soon it’s fixed, Rod’s work is done
We’re combining oats and hoping for some sun!
© Baldock Bard 2012

Buckles Engineers at Cromer in Hertfordshire are John Deere agents selling not only agricultural equipment but also grounds-care supplies such as mowers, strimmers etc.
www.jebuckle.co.uk

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Combine Lights!

Posted on August 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a nasty bout of a farmer’s complaint. There are two types; the lesser, WATND (What Are The Neighbours Doing!) where a farmer would go home and leisurely change tomorrows plans and the more serious GGWATNUTN (Good Grief What Are The Neighbours Up To Now!). According to self-diagnosis on the internet the latter can result in ‘illogical decisions with irrational behaviour resulting in panic’ and is caused by August, ripening crops, the threat of rain and combine lights at night…

Combine lights on a neighbouring hill
Enough to make a farmer ill
Racing pulse I feel quite heady
Oh good grief their wheat is ready!

Tomorrow combine without fail
But I’ve got a car boot sale!
Cursing the neighbours I get to bed
Should I be getting ready instead?

I cannot sleep I toss and turn
Thinking will I ever learn?
Had I tested the wheat this morning
Would I still be awake and yawning?

Finally I know there’s nothing to do
What will be will be it’s true
Farmers suffer pre-harvest nights
When they’ve seen the combine lights!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am! 
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Tunnel Vision!

Posted on August 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In any job there are unpopular tasks that are put off until later. On the farm anything that involves crawling around in the small concrete drying tunnels under the grain store is left until the last minute. When I was down there yesterday I hit my head in the dark. Everyone has been questioning my every word since…

I was down in the tunnel under the grain store,
Mending a slide under bin four.
I looked up suddenly and hit my head,
When I came round a small mouse said:
“Please Mr Farmer may I request,
When down here, you wear a high-vis vest!
And also please I do insist,
You get out now and start harvest!
I know you think me a trifle rude,
But me and my family could do with some food!”
I replied and tried to explain:
“It’s been a wet summer we’ve had much rain.”
The mouse just shrugged in a mouse-like way,
“That’s a poor excuse,” then walked away.
When I crawled back out into the sunlight,
John asked me “was I was feeling alright?”
As I walked away holding my head,
He asked me what down there I’d said,
Over my shoulder on the way to the house,
“I was only chatting to a small hungry mouse!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow morning at 7am! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Slacking Stacking Bales!

Posted on July 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

When I was seventeen I was shown how to stack hay bales. The stack I made yesterday looks superb from the front. However if you were to look around the back you would witness my shame – the stack has completely collapsed! My former boss would be so disappointed…

Many years ago today
I was stacking hay
When my Boss shouted to me “Come here you!”
“I will only show you once
Cos unless you are a dunce
You’ll pay attention and do exactly as I do!”
So I concentrated hard
And stacked bales in the yard
My corners the next morning were askew!
So he made me stack again
On my own it was a pain
But I learned to make my corners always true!

Fast forward to yesterday
When I was stacking hay
And my corners looked like the hind leg on a ‘Roo!
From the front it looks OK
But really I have to say
The back would make that bosses face turn blue!
It’s lucky now for me
That he will never see
That in forty years the things I’ve learnt are few!
So please don’t you repeat
My secret stacking feat
Or I’ll be a farming-laughing-stock thanks to you!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues Tomorrow morning 7am! 
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life