Big Boys Toys!

Posted on July 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Having the right sized tool for any job is vital. When I received an SOS from a friend there was only one thing to do, hitch up the giant mower to the JCB tractor. It took ten minutes to do what would have taken the friend a whole weekend…

From a friend I had a call
Could you help my grass is tall
The summer rain had made it grow
There was no way he could mow

So we took down our big tractor
The tall grass height – the deciding factor
On the back our big wide mower
Cut the grass then cut it lower

Didn’t matter that the grass was wet
Was a piece of cake we lost no sweat
Now he’s happy we’ve saved his life
‘No longer the doghouse’ says his wife!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Protesting Farmers!

Posted on July 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Farmers have taken to their tractors in protest. Certain supermarkets (including one started by farmers as Associated Dairies) have used their power to drop the price of milk paid to farmers to less than the cost of production. I used to be able to name at least twenty local farmers who milked cows. I don’t think any are left in Hertfordshire and I think only one in Essex…

Everyone wants cheap milk
Cheese and yoghurt they can afford
If some supermarkets have their way
It’ll all come from abroad.

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow! 
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A Sheepdog Rants…(part one)

Posted on July 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hi, I’m a sheepdog and my human calls me Rover
(that’s me in the picture by the way, looking rather handsome even though I say it myself)

Unfortunately there are a few grammatical errors in that statement (the sheepdog and Rover bit, not the handsome picture part).
We Collies absolutely hate being called sheepdogs, in fact we hate anything that is remotely connected with sheep. We cannot stand the animal. Do you like everyone that you work with? Bet you don’t? I bet there are many hundreds of staff that sit at their desks all day, unloved and ignored as sure as if they turned up for work having forgotten the deodorant. Well, that’s what it’s like for us, we like the shepherd and even his wife and children but draw the line at the sheep, we’d like to ignore them completely but unfortunately they are our work so we are forced to tolerate them.
They are the most stupid animals on earth, not a degree, ‘A’ level or even NVQ amongst them. Ah! I hear you say, “Neither have you?” I’m afraid that is where you are wrong! I’ve got a First-class Diploma, no less (that shocked you didn’t it?), from the Collie College on the Isle of Dogs. It took many hours of study and constant exams to pass, it wasn’t just a walk in the park you know.
We have a special name for sheep – we call them ‘Brendas’. If you go into a field full of them what do you hear them saying? Very good! That’s nearly right – ‘Baa-aa’. What in fact you are hearing is them using their one-word-vocabulary ‘Bren-daaa’, this is their word for food, rain, sky, humans, dog, err – that’s about it I think.
They are also only good for one thing and that’s being tasty. Look at a can of dog food, what does it contain – lamb. Look at a bag of sheep food, does it contain tender-terrier or crusty-corgi? I don’t think so.
So cut out the sheepdog bit, call us Collies and we’ll get along just fine.
Anyway that’s enough about sheep, we’ll return to them at another time, onto the name I was given – Rover.
I like my Land Rover, I’d prefer a Range Rover but we can’t always have what we want, can we?
To call me Rover is just plain insulting. I mean do you know a Skoda Sam , Lada Linda or Fiat Frankie? I think not.
It would of course be different if I’d been called Porsche, Lamborghini or Ferrari: one who is sleek, attracts admiring glances, corners well and of course with film-star looks. But honestly – Rover – Old man with pork-pie hat who wears a suit every day, farts into the velour seats and smokes a pipe – Yuk!

I’ll try again.
Hi, I’m a Collie and the Shepherd calls me Vlad the Sheep-Impaler!

To be continued…
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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Merry Hay Making (part 2)!

Posted on July 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hay making can sometimes be less than successful. While my recent attempts at hay-making may have been a success with a trailer-load of dry bales in the barn, the story had been heavily edited. Only triumph had been documented …

You may recall the other day
I was bold and made some hay
What I neglected then to tell
The last of the fields didn’t go well
The grass wasn’t ready, not quite fit
And recent rain turned it to sh*t
We rowed up the stuff into one row
With an old hay-turner from the hedgerow!
Then forked the muck into the forklift bucket
It started to rain and we said “f*ck it!”
So instead of any congratulatory talk
John and the Bard had to grab a fork!
Took the bucket-loads to the back of the farm
Where it will rot down and do no harm
You wouldn’t be hearing about this fail
If I hadn’t trumpeted that successful tale!

Merry Hay Making!

Posted on July 2, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On the farm since Thursday we have been playing a Russian Roulette-style game called ‘Making Hay’. In a normal year this is stupid, in a year like this where the weather is so wet, it is beyond lunacy…

Make hay while sun shine,
Chinese proverb or nursery rhyme?
Easy to say, easy to think,
Making fresh hay turns you to drink!

First cut your grass when it is long,
Let it lie cut, you can’t go wrong?
Then from the nettles at the back of the shed,
Fetch out the Hay-Bob (it was once red!).
Then to your dealer, their store-man’s named Shaun,
To replace all the tines that are broken or worn.
Turn over the hay and pray for no rain,
When you’ve done that, turn it again!
If by three days the crop seems quite fit,
It will now rain and you’re in the sh*t!
Go fetch the baler from the back of the shed,
And grease it and oil it, bring it back from the dead.
With one eye on black clouds and bad knees from praying,
Get to the field, pretend you are playing!
Pretend you don’t care what the weather must,
The rarest thing now is a large cloud of dust.
The safety-bolt snaps, the knotters are bad,
The pick-up is screeching and driving you mad.
But your luck holds out and after a while,
You’ve baled all the bales and are wearing a smile.
Now take the loader and long four-wheeled trailer,
The sun now beats down, should have been for the baler!
You sweat and you groan that the bales weigh such a lot,
You call the man on the baler a twit or a clot!
With the bales in the shed it starts to rain,
You reach for the whisky and say “NEVER AGAIN!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday! 
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The Old Brown Hare!

Posted on June 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The night before the boot sale I went to check the state of the field after the heavy rain. I counted fourteen hares running about in the car park. One hare lay as still as a stone just watching…

An old brown hare lay in the grass,
As still as still can be,
And all the while without a smile,
Kept his eye on me,

I don’t know where his mate was,
In a grassy lair?
All I know is he watched me,
Wishing I weren’t there!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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A Very Naughty Dog!

Posted on May 28, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends came to stay at the weekend bringing their two children and their dog: all very well behaved until it came time to leave. The children and husband got straight into the car when told to, but their dog decided to play up. The more frustrated the mother became, the more the dog stayed just out of reach…

It had been a sunny and pleasant weekend,
Everyone had enjoyed their time no end,
But now when it came time to leave,
Purdey the Lurcher disagreed.

She dodged to the left,
She dodged to the right,
Ran round in circles,
Ran out of sight.

Mother and dog have been to be trained,
As the dog misbehaved tempers were strained,
“That dog is so clever”, grinned a spectator,
“It goes round in circles like a rotator!”

“Get into the car,” shouted the mother,
(Daughter leapt in along with her brother),
“We’re leaving now, to avoid the fog,
Looks like you now own a very bad dog!”

The husband remarked: “this is for real!”
Calmly got out from behind the wheel,
“Sit there Purdey” there was no plead,
And calmly attached the dogs leather lead!

The dog was caught, the panic removed,
To make enough space luggage was moved,
And so they left, the dog in disgrace,
Grinning through the back window, a ‘not sorry’ face!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!
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BootLine: 07852 707 074

Frank the Duck!

Posted on May 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Taking in abandoned birds can be emotionally difficult. Whereas Ducky-Wucky and Darren were straightforward, Frank turned out to be challenging…

I rescued a duck the other day,
Was a sweet as sweet can be,
I caught it some grubs and beetles,
That I managed to get from a tree!

I made it a nice little house,
Complete with a carpeted stair,
I wanted to make a miniature bed,
Only managed a small armchair!

I took it to the library,
It came with me to the bank,
I wondered what to call him,
He ended up as Frank!

I fed him lots of duck food,
He managed to get quite fat,
But today Frank’s gone away,
I think he’s with the cat.

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074

Big in Veg!

Posted on April 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On a visit to a vegetable wholesaler this morning I noticed that a certain type of buyer inhabits the enormous warehouse at silly-o’clock in the mornings. Very knowledgeable, large (in both character and build), most helpful and nearly always with earth-stained hands. I call this breed ‘Big in Veg!’…

Mick is ‘Big in Veg’,
He knows all there is to know,
His cauliflowers and carrots,
Which variety’s you should grow.

He drives a dirty King-Cab,
If you look into the back,
There’s always a net of sprouts,
And potatoes by the sack.

You’ll see him at the wholesalers,
Before the clock strikes three,
Leaning on a pallet of veg,
Fist around a mug of tea!

Although he is ‘BIG’ in Veg,
He’s the first to give a hand,
Helping shift some sacks of greens,
Or help to load a van.

If you see Mick at the market,
Or down at ‘Ye Olde Horse and Hedge’,
Doesn’t matter who he’s with,
He’ll be talking about his veg!

Dolly and the Rainy Days!

Posted on April 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Animals all have their own identities on this farm. None more than Dolly the Horse (I had to say that quietly because she has yet to discover that she is a horse. Ballerina, Rocket-Scientist or Princess naturally spring to mind). She keeps us all amused with her vastly outlandish behaviour and helps make this farm live up to the name many call it by – The Funny Farm…

Dolly the horse is upset,
It’s the dreadful weather you see.
Two days of rain,
Who’s to blame?
As she shelters under a tree.

She’s wearing a waterproof rug,
The keeps her long back dry.
Alas no hat,
She can’t have that,
Or the drips from the tree in her eye!

However this morning she’s better,
The sun is warming her back.
She needs sunglasses,
So she outclasses,
Her mucker-outer who’s dressed in a mack!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Farm and Countryside Life