Category Archives: Food

T’was The Night Before Harvest!

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Harvest SkyDespite a carefully planned run-up to harvest, the smallest thing can ruin preparations. Everything is ready and a tiny sensor, connected to the mainframe computer of the combine, decides to say ‘NO!’ There is little you can do but admire a glorious sunset. As they say ‘Tomorrow is Another Day!’…

Twas the night before harvest and all across the farm,
most things were ready, no sense of alarm;
The tractors were fuelled-up and all set to go,
Barns have been swept, brushed to and fro.
But what is this? Something’s not right,
Broken sensor for the combine, “From Germany overnight?”
So wait for the morning when all will be smart,
After a hiccup by computer, our harvest should start!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Honey Bees and the Naughty Pig!

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HoneySome friends came to lunch yesterday and bought a wonderful pot of honey from their hives. I’m afraid, like most things, I’m useless with bees, they seem to treat me like a pin-cushion and it hurts! Many years ago we were loading pigs when one escaped the lorry…

We were loading pigs up for export,
(for breeding abroad they were bred),
when one escaped from the ramp,
disappeared round the back of the shed.

It’s gruntings became ever quieter,
It was chased by the driver and Tom,
All over a sudden there was a shout,
“Look Out! The bee hives have gone!”

Back running came the driver,
old Tom was running with ease,
the pig overtaking them both,
All three being chased by the bees!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Swan That Saw The Drone Crash!

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SwanOn Sunday after the St Neots Regatta, we had visitors to our boat. It had been rather a trying day as, having filmed some of the action for the Rowing Club with my drone, I misjudged the landing. I soon discovered, like man, it cannot walk on water and it had to be recovered with a boat hook.

A swan and her cygnet came floating by
“Got any food,” the mother’s cry!
When we said we lacked anything to eat,
She replied “You’re a farmer get some wheat!”
When I replied that ‘I’d none here,’
“That’s not good enough I fear,
Next time make sure you do deliver,
no wonder your drone swam in the river!
Come now Precious let us go,
this farmer’s not as bright as those who row!”

Top Tip if flying a drone near water: Take one sealable bag and plenty of rice, place rice and drone in bag and wait. Send for repair if needed!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 


The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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What When and How!

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PaperworkToday we have our annual inspection. Passing this examination leads to stickers which are attached to a passport which accompanies every load of grain and pulses that leaves the farm. This assures the end user that we have taken all legislative and ‘best-practice’ steps to safeguard the quality and provenance of that crop, from planting to harvest and every operation in-between. Such an undertaking requires gold-star record-keeping of every operation…

What, When and How,
important words today,
we have our annual inspection,
fail it and we’ll pay.
It’s all about traceability,
to show you’re not a fraud,
alas it doesn’t apply,
to foodstuffs from abroad!

Mrs Bard has been busy,
with my paper-work,
it’s now all in one file,
(I drive her quite beserk!)
They’ll inspect all my records,
the barns and chemical store,
and thanks to Mrs Bard’s patience,
it’ll be alright I’m sure!

Whatever you are doing today may it be successful and may you too get stickers!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Blackgrass Kills Crop

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Blackgrass threatens wheat

Blackgrass threatens and outgrows wheat

When things go wrong with a crop they are generally highly visible. My father would approach June with a nervousness normally associated with dentistry, just in case Essex farmers, passing on the road to a major show or event, might just spot weeds on his fields! This year, as a result of much rain at key times rendering highly expensive chemicals useless, my wheat is full of a highly-invasive grass weed called ‘Blackgrass’. One field has so much that this morning we are going to spray off and kill the crop, far too early to harvest, in order to attempt to halt the weed’s annual progress…

Watch out Blackgrass here we come,
the Sherriff’s after you with his ‘gun!’
You killed my wheat, stole my yield,
now I’ve got you surrounded in my field.

We’ve driven the crop in the tractor,
made the decision – a harrowing factor.
Despite the loss, not one to be crowed,
At least it can’t be seen from the road!

Sometimes in farming you have to stand up to nature’s bullies.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Life is Like a Biscuit Tin!

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BiscuitsIsn’t life remarkable? Some days your confidence is so great that you feel you could lift the heaviest weights in the gym before breakfast using just your little finger. Other days your confidence is so low, it’s all you can do to pick up a coffee mug! Today marks my 1,299th published blog! It’s all down to biscuits in the tin…

Life is like a biscuit tin,
you only get out what you put in.
If you arrive and there’s nothing there,
it just shows that life’s not fair.
If the Bourbons have been eaten,
accept you’re late you have been beaten.
The plainest biscuits left behind,
are often reliable, solid and kind.
If often disappointment you have shown,
you know what? Buy your own!

Have a great day and enjoy those biscuits! Somewhere a farmer is glad you do!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Going on a Fridge Hunt!

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The other day I went to the fridge and noticed a slight niff! Mrs Bard went to the fridge and exclaimed, “Have you no sense of smell?” It was then that we realised that our twenty-year-old Daewoo was no longer capable of purpose. After hours of poring over Which and other useful guides we were ready to go on a Fridge Hunt…

Our old fridge-freezer has finally died,
there was a pong something rotten inside,
been keeping things cool for twenty years,
gradually failed or so it appears!
Went to look at a vast warehouse,
many too big for anybody’s house.
Spent an hour doing the rounds,
rejected one at three thousand pounds!
The choice these days is just too vast,
you get ‘Fridge Blindness’ as you walk past,
Some chill water or make crushed ice,
wonderful machines apart from price!
So we chose a plain fridge/freezer,
after some tips from the sales-type geezer,
From tomorrow a better mood,
Non-melted ice and frozen food!

Have a great day, may your lollies be stiff, your peas frozen and your milk chilled!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Fishy Fishy!

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Matt Fish‘You’re never too old to learn,’ they say! This weekend I watched a friend mixing up a concoction to feed to fish in the river. What looked like bird table fat-balls were handed around for us to smell. I had no idea that fish had noses or such a developed sense of smell; perhaps the police should look into using sniffer-fish? I was further confused when I learnt that none of the well-nourished catch would be plate-bound…

Friend Matt is a fisherman,
He’s always feeding fish,
then sits on the bank for hours,
nothing for the dish!

When Matt arrives home at last,
wife Hazel shouts and flips!
wanted fish upon her plate,
he’s bought her fish and chips!

‘Happy Fishing’ to all coarse fishermen when the season opens on June 16th. May your rods always be bent under the strain of the catch!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Busy Shop!

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Busy ShopYesterday afternoon Mrs Bard saw a giant construction kit in a store. Priced at only £20, it seemed to be the perfect imagination-fostering toy for our three-and-a-half year old granddaughter. By teatime they had made a shop which my granddaughter named her ‘Busy’ shop…

In our kitchen is a ‘busy’ shop,
there are things to buy,
we’re already looking,
for the remote controller for Sky!
There are assorted items,
for sale to my wife and me,
let’s just hope I have loose change,
or there’ll be no coffee!

If you have children, hide this from them as I don’t want to be blamed for lost car keys, pets or food! Have a great day and enjoy imagination (even at your desk, why not sell a colleague something of theirs!).

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Dave’s Allotment!

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AllotmentI’ve always been fascinated by allotments. These micro-farms, often on the outskirts of town, are tended in a way that would be impossible over a large acreage. I once knew an allotment holder who told me many stories of daring-do amongst the sheds, canes and plastic sheeting. The quest for perfection in produce sometimes led to undoing…

Dave had a shed at his allotment,
was sometimes inside for a smoke,
He did a little digging,
Socialised with allotment folk!

He contemplated straight carrots,
Potatoes, beans, sweet pea,
often ended up distracted,
arriving home so late for tea.

His plot was always weed-free,
because at dead of night,
sprayed weed-killer from a farmer,
boasted: “It’s all rotations – right?”

His wife grew suspicious,
Followed him to the shops,
Watched him at the checkout,
Buy six ‘home-grown’ shallots!

His plot is now vacant,
Dave’s nowhere left to go,
His wife left her mark,
with a long serrated hoe!

Names, places and produce have all been changed and are not representative of local allotment holders in any way, shape or form. 
May your weeds whither and your brussels sprout, Happy Microfarming!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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