Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed!

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Waitrose DucksIf you study any independent supermarket survey, you’ll discover that one store is consistently at the top for customer satisfaction. With the store owned by the staff, they seem to act as PR agents every day! Yesterday I watched as a ‘Store Floor Manager’ took care of some important guests…

At St Neots Waitrose store,
two ducks beg by the door.
Shoppers supply them with fresh bread,
making sure they’re both well fed!

They spend the day at this food fest,
no thought of sitting on a nest,
if they keep begging, then in a while,
they’ll be nesting in the fresh egg aisle!

The Store Floor Manager takes her turn,
this new job she has to learn,
the Mallards quack, put on a show,
Waitrose best for ducks you know!

Duck FeedingMy 1,250th blog is dedicated to Waitrose staff everywhere, particularly those in St Neots.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Bird-Scaring Drone!

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scary Drone!Since recently sowing acres of beans and oats, I have a problem. As a farmer it’s not my intention to provide a free takeaway to the varied bird population of North Hertfordshire. There are traditional methods of bird scaring from the small child with wooden spoon and saucepan, right up to today’s high-tech banger with gun and siren. However, thanks to a farmer up-north I can add drone or UAV…

The ‘effin pigeons sit and laugh,
when I get out my gun,
“You couldn’t hit an ‘effin barn door!”
as they munch my crops in the sun.
But then the dastardly farmer,
in defeat has gone back home,
and suddenly they’re very afraid,
rape alarms on the feet of his drone!
“Oh good heavens what is that?
the noise goes through my head!”
with a cough they all fly off,
to my neighbours crops instead!

With best wishes for April Fools Day and apologies to all my farming neighbours! Coincidently this also happens to be my 1,234th posting!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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What’s in Store?

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Aisle2We are all getting older. I discovered this when shovelling grain the other morning and wondering why my arms, shoulders and back hurt. Back in the day I could have done this and leapt onto the next job like a spring lamb. However, according to an much older man I’ve spoken to, there is another stage of old age to be wary of…

An old man once told me,
that he discovered he was old,
when he farted whilst shopping in Tesco.
He felt the gaseous escape,
but heard nothing.

A passing mother gave him an evil glare,
whereupon he shrugged his shoulders,
with all the assumed innocence of the guilty.

When she had gone he turned around,
to discover to his horror,
that he was alone in the aisle,
and his guilt hung around,
like a bad smell!

Thanks to ADP for the confession. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Muddy Fields!

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Wet FieldsFlying my drone recently I was shocked to see how wet the fields were.This is worse on land that is clay based, where water can’t soak through as easily as chalk or other ‘lighter’ soils. I know that it is too wet to do any preparations for planting spring crops, apply fertilizer or weed control on my farm, but I hadn’t appreciated just how wet some fields had become. This is particularly evident on the ‘headlands’ (outside 24 metres of fields, cropped, but where machinery turns). As you can imagine there are government regulations (called Cross Compliance) available for instances such as this…

The headland of the field is water-logged,
the rest of the field just wet,
It’s illegal to do operations,
‘Cross Compliance’ we mustn’t forget.

If you don’t treat the land right,
do operations when it’s flooded,
not only will you leave damage,
but your waters will always be muddied!

The drone has a negative footprint,
hovers above with ease,
it spots areas of concern,
but you have to watch out for trees!

Please don’t send any more rain for a while, I’d like my fields to dry out so I can plant my spring beans and oats. However, please don’t turn the tap off altogether as they’ll need watering once sown! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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A Pirate Came to Tea!

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Pirate TeaWhile packing for our holiday Mrs Bard was approached by our three-year-old granddaughter and instructed to pack a pirate for me! When the coast was clear the pirate made an appearance and demanded grog and vittles…

A pirate came to tea one day,
when the Bards had gone away,
he unsheathed his sword and demanded food,
to ignore the request could have seemed quite rude!
“As I see it’s vittles you’re makin’,
I would like some eggs and bacon!”
He had a drink (not from a bar),
finished his food and let out an “Ooh Arrgh!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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‘Cleardy-uppy’ Time!

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Loadall tidyI am constantly being told off by my 3-year-old granddaughter, even when I have her best interests at heart. The other day when I suggested that if she was not careful she might hurt herself on a toy, the retort (with raised eyebrows) was a very sarcastic “Yes Captain!”  Unfortunately her disgust has spread out into the farmyard…

When looking into the Loadall cab,
(after my daily rhyme),
My granddaughter said while shaking her head,
“It’s ‘Cleardy-uppy’ time!”

She made me brush the loader floor,
it was “a disgrace!”
The junk on the dash-board I call my ‘work-hoard’
was totally out of place!

Now the cab is tidy,
nothing on the floor,
no string to hold my trousers up,
or fasten the loose cab door!

I’ve been warned about an inspection, so I must get up to the yard and remove my flask, gloves, high-vis jacket, Gaffer tape, ‘How to Farm’ instruction book, sweet papers and everything else from one mornings work!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Early Morning Spread!

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FertThis morning I’m out of bed at the same time as a proper farmer! James is coming to help spread fertiliser on the wheat. There are two reasons for doing this now: firstly the wheat is desperately in need of food after a mild winter eating up its reserves, and secondly the ground is spongy and we’d not be able to travel without a frost. So here’s hoping we don’t disturb the neighbours…

I’m up before the lark,
outside there’s frost and dark,
fertilizer spreading I will go,
in the hope the crops will grow!
So if you see strange lights,
and suddenly think “Oh Cripes!”
It could be me you know,
definitely not a UFO!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Troublesome Crop (part 2)!

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Last linseedThose of you who make repeat visits to this humble blog may remember the story about the Troublesome Crop on Jan 28th (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=7861) and how I was left with just seven tons on the farm. Today it is leaving the farm and we’ll be linseed-less at last…

Later on this morning,
the final linseed goes,
and hopefully with luck,
an end to my linseed woes!

Last week the bulk of the crop,
onto lorry was selected,
only at destination,
the bloody stuff rejected!*

Yesterday the seven tons,
in an attempt to stop a failer,
back through the grainstore system,
and returned to the trailer!

So I have my fingers crossed,
(don’t wish for more alarm),
never want to see the crop again,
once it’s left this farm!

*Having been rejected at destination, Fengrain (the co-operative I sell my produce through) arranged for the load to be taken elsewhere to be corrected. This obviously carries a penalty both for extra transport costs and treatment, no NHS here! All should be well after a long saga! However it did look pretty in the field last summer!
Linseed1
© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
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The Permanent Passengers!

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BagforlifeIt is a modern dilemma, you rush to the supermarket to buy something for supper, make your choice, get to the checkout and realise something is missing. That modern companion, the ‘Bag For Life’, has been left in the car and you are forced into a decision; juggle with pile of unbalanced and misshapen objects, buy a flimsy 5pence one-journey-before-split bag or add to the collection of bags living rough in the car…

I have this bag for life,
I keep her in the car,
She and I are happy,
She says that we’ll go far!

But when I go shopping,
and it’s time to pay,
I realise I’m on my own,
and she is far away!

So I buy a replacement,
to add to my collection,
a friend for my ‘lifey’
my carrier bag selection!

Apparently I am the problem and should be more organised! Thank you MD for your diagnosis! Have a great day and don’t forget your BFL!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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Six Lucky Cats!

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Six Lucky CatsIn our local supermarket (the one that has had bad luck recently by being caught not paying suppliers within guideline periods, inflated results, etc. etc.), I discovered six golden cats on the shelf. They were ‘lucky cats’ that were heavily discounted. I’m afraid I passed them by as it didn’t seem they’d brought much luck to the supermarket…

Six golden cats
sitting in a row,
watch their arms,
wave too and fro!

They are lucky cats,
all on special offer,
buy one and you’ll see,
money in your coffer!

However if you pass,
ignore them if you dare,
your crimes will be discovered,
and published everywhere!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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