Milk, our daily miracle!

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MilkThese days we take so much for granted. In the main we care little where or how something was made or grown. Many years ago I worked on a dairy farm, I am embarrassed to say that I give very little appreciation to milk (normally only when the bottle is empty!). So this is for the dairy farmers from a simple ‘Arable Boy!’…

Milk is our daily miracle,
most of us agree,
we have it on our cornflakes,
We have it in our tea!

When I was a student,
one cow hated me,
she always was bad tempered,
her name was Marlene Three!
She’d always make a strike,
with her sh*ty tail,
then cover me with warm stuff,
her aim would never fail!

Here on our doorstep,
no milkman does arrive,
I get it from a shop,
not the parlour at half past five!

Many thanks to all those who are up way before the dawn to make sure my coffee and cereal is just the way I like it. And ‘Yes!’ I still miss Marlene Three!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Trouble with Rats!

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IMG_2629This winter has been so mild that the most unwanted pests on the farm have been prolific breeders. Their increased numbers have led to me buying ever greater quantities of ‘food’ for them. In desperation I have tried blue grain and blue pellets. Now pellets of a different kind have been brought to bear…

“Come and get it!” I shout in the yard,
if anyone saw me they’d be sure to laugh hard.
I have my bucket and my little green scoop,
as I search for evidence of collective rat poop!
What they don’t expect is Russell with gun,
armed with night-vision to spoil all their fun,
they don’t realise as vermin they play,
a small grey pellet is about to ruin their day.

As part of my traceability certification that I need to have (in order to sell crops), I have to have ‘rodent eradication policies’ in place. Thanks to Russell these are now working well! However I am shortly going on a course to learn about using rat bait (something I’ve been doing for over 40 years quite successfully). Without yet another certificate, I shall not be able to buy or use rat poison after April as ‘grandfather rights’ are due to be abolished. I suppose at least it keeps faceless desk-jockeys in work dreaming up ever-more dastardly restrictions! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Aussie Tucker!

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TuckerYesterday while shopping I spied some tucker from Down-Under! It certainly looked good in the picture on the packet and I was sorely tempted, but I’ve heard that kangaroo can pack a mighty punch…

Grab yourself some kangaroo steaks,
More hop and bounce than emu fakes!
However take care when they’re in the pan
They’ve got more fight than Sydney Stan!

Sydney Stan used to remonstrate,
With anything sat upon his plate,
He used to say: “I’ve sheared some wool
Take more than that to make me full!”

A chef, a Scotsman, liked to boast,
“A diners problem? Soon be toast!”
So for Sydney Stan, in a stew,
A ruddy great leg from a kangaroo!

Sydney Stan began to munch,
“This ain’t no more than normal lunch!”
Four hours later, some roo eroded,
The big sheep-shearer simply exploded!

From this tale of Sydney Stan,
it’s not what you eat that show’s you’re a man,
take it from me, it must be true,
there’s more than enough meat on a kangaroo!

With thanks to Lidl for introducing yet more culinary delights to our shores, we continue to watch your shelves with interest!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Annual Guestimation Day!

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Baldock wheatEach year, just after Christmas, I have to dust off my crystal ball, clean my rose-tinted spectacles and unleash my forecast pencil! By New Year’s Eve I will have had to prepare a forecast of what wheat tonnage I will have to sell (after harvest in approx 8 months time!) to send to my wheat trader, Charles…

I put the drone up over the fields,
I asked her to forecast exactly the yields,
she flew around the crops unseen,
“They all look like grass, so very green!”
I asked my computer to calculate,
the wheat I’d have if harvest was late.
The cursor blinked, no numbers told,
I’d inputted no data of how much to be sold!

So I resorted to methods used down the ages,
previous yields put down on pages.
These I averaged using basic sums,
on my eight fingers and two thumbs!
Now I’ve a figure to call my own,
sent it in? I used the phone!
Modern methods play their part?
Nah! Just the guesses of a silly old fart!

The old men in the graveyard, are looking down on me,
“We didn’t have drone or computer – knew our fields yer see!”
Computer ScreenWith thanks to Charles Laughlin and all at Fengrain for their support during these difficult times in farming. It is always useful to have a strong ally working on your behalf. www.fengrain.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

 

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Olympic Christmas!

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IMG_2402At the closing ceremony of each Olympic Games, the head of the IOC traditionally says: “These were the most successful games” (or similar). After Christmas many lucky families will be considering the same statement, ignorant of those whose holiday has been marred in some way. The Bards have been incredibly lucky to have had a ‘most successful Christmas’…

When our Christmas guests appear,
no ‘Good Grief! They are here!’
No panicked thoughts, ‘Is the bird defrosted?’
mildest weather, the ground’s not frosted.
No missing ingredients (once shops have closed),
What was absent? Nobody knows!
An amateur chef made a stunning trifle,
had three helpings, until-I-full.
Sylvanian creatures on the floor,
knelt on one, now knee is sore.
There were those who slept and those who snored,
and those whose limit of port ignored!
“The dining room smells like a park?”
(a certain terrier had left its mark!)
We were so absorbed, no one said ‘Hey!’
many presents not opened ‘til Boxing Day.
Some say Christmas can be quite stressful,
luckily ours was ‘most successful!’

With very best wishes to you all, I hope your Christmas was equally successful.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Christmas Guests!

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Christmas is just two days away and unexpected guests turn up! A flock of Canada Geese have thoroughly upset our home crew and I foresee trouble around the table! Harmony and festive spirit are in short supply and before the festivities are over there may be hissing, spitting and raised honking’s…

Christmas is coming,
the geese are getting fat,
they aren’t for the table,
too cantankerous for that!

They don’t like sharing wheat,
grass is all their own,
then some distant cousins,
come to invade their home!

We think we are unique,
bad-mood-aunty at the table,
but at least we have crackers,
(a hat for Aunty Mabel!)

If you’re fed up with TV
it makes you wonder ‘why’?
look out in the field,
and watch the feathers fly!

It should be noted at this point that our guests are always well behaved!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Farming on Mars!

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Space MilkThere is much joy and celebration at the successful ascent to the International Space Station of British astronaut Tim Peake. It has given this nation something to celebrate after a long period of bad news. It makes one wonder what will be the next milestone…

The very first farmer on Mars,
said to astronaut Lars:
“I can’t seem to sleep,
no counting of sheep,
but plenty of rocks and some stars!”

Congratulations to Tim Peake from all of us looking up at you. Stay safe and enjoy the next six months!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

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Bard CookingMrs Bard is a great cook. Sometimes, during intimate candle-lit evenings, we can be found watching cookery programmes! However when Mrs Bard is away, I flounder with fish, fail to greet meat and survive on temperate toast. This weekend, when I had a guest for supper, I attempted to be as adventurous as a Masterchef contestant. After all, how difficult can it be to ‘take a dish to another level’…

I went to the freezer to grab me a meal,
it always looks easy when cooking by feel!
I grabbed a package whose label had gone,
Into the microwave, set for how long?
When defrosted I looked at the mess,
could have been anything I must confess.
I added tinned tomatoes like Mrs Bard does,
creating a creation gave me quite a buzz.
Into the fridge and poured in some cream,
was looking peculiar, not the best I have seen.
Found in the cupboard a can of baked beans,
looked more like a one pot seen in canteens.
Italian mate Tony always adds pasta,
It think it makes cooking go a bit fasta!
At last it was ready, my guest at the table,
I’d plied him with drink so eat he’d be able.
After a mouthful, to me he did turn:
“For heaven’s sake Bard, when does she return?

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Evil ‘S’ Word!

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SugarThe nose-in-the-air do-Gooders have moved on. The war against tobacco has been won and climate change protest is now part-time since governments discovered it’s magical revenue-raising powers. The new target, in a supermarket near you, is now (whisper it if you dare) sugar. Yesterday I came under scrutiny from one of the new ‘Sweetner Warriors’ and it wasn’t a pleasant experience…

Loading the checkout from my heavy trolley,
any comment would have been mere folly,
a bag of sugar – the devils thirst quencher,
was followed by chocolate milk – a sugary drencher!
Four bottles of green Coke came along next,
(the lady in front, now really quite vexed)!
Ten bottles of water ignoring ‘water-miles’
Sixteen cans of coke (all of them sugar phials!),
Three litres of Grouse on special offer,
Her face by now was ‘disgusted proper’!
She’d tutted so much her bottom lip quivered,
Her sweet-free shop she’d next have delivered!
But the funniest thing (I grinned all the way home),
She weighed rather more than my sugared twelve stone!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Bean Sweeper!

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Yesterday I was due a lorry to collect a load of beans. This meant sweeping a bin of beans under a time constraint (it’s a cardinal sin on a farm to keep a lorry waiting). As I’m old and decrepit, I was concerned that it also may knacker me for good! Enter Russ stage left…

If the AA is the fourth emergency service…
then my mate Russ is the fifth!
When he offered to help sweep some beans,
I thought he was taking the pith!
The lorry arrived on the farm,
Russ rushed into the bin,
an hour later he surfaced,
beneath the sweat was a grin!
He announced to any who’d listen,
(just me, so no need to shout!)
“Bring on the next bin of beans,
that was better than a trainers work-out!”
Everyone needs a Russ in their lives, it makes all the difference!
Bean Load
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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