Category Archives: Food

A Happy Squirrel Moment!

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ChocolateYesterday I had the sort of real treat that a squirrel would understand well – I discovered a hidden bar of chocolate I’d forgotten about. Unfortunately once open it evaporated…

There’s one thing,
A chocolate lover knows,
Is where to find,
A fix in Waitrose!

For me there’s only,
One to choose,
It’s rich and milky,
Silky smooth.

However a warning,
In your ear,
Once it’s opened,
It’ll disappear!

So just be warned,
Hide it well,
Or you’ll descend,
Into ‘No-Chocolate-Hell’

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Easter Bunnies on R&R!

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Easter BunniesVisiting Oxfordshire yesterday I looked up and was startled to see more rabbits than I’ve seen for years. I think they were taking time out following a very busy Easter Weekend.

Where do the Easter bunnies go,
When their work is done?
They aren’t found near Baldock,
Because they like the sun!

Yesterday I saw them,
Relaxed and not afraid,
Their mouths covered in chocolate,
And drinking lemonade!

But what is this? They’re waving!
Of a farmer they have no fear?
They show their little cotton tails,
Then simply disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Jelly at Lunchtime!

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IMG_2399It must be twenty-eight and a half years since we last had a toddler in the house. While we weren’t necessarily strict parents, Mrs Bard and I were from the non-spoiling school of child rearing (Perhaps for historical accuracy I should remove my name from this statement as I was probably ‘an easy touch’ and any credit in the rearing dept. should go to Mrs Bard). Add a generation and things are slightly different…

Please eat your lunch,
It’s good for you!
Please eat your lunch,
It’s good!
Please eat your lunch,
Please eat,
Please!

Just another mouthful,
And you can have a jelly.
You don’t want jelly.
How about a Peppa Pig Jelly?
No we don’t watch Peppa Pig at lunchtimes.
The news is different.

How about Peppa Pig and a Peppa Pig Jelly?
You can’t watch Peppa and Thomas the Tank Engine together.
OK, so you can!
I’m sure Peppa wouldn’t mind you eating her jelly while…
Jelly on my trousers is so not funny.
OK, so jelly on my trousers is funny.
Ssssh! The news is starting!

With apologies to granddaughter, daughter and Mrs Bard.
Weakness is my strength!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns this Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Patisserie en France!

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P1060226Mrs Bard and I took the Eurotunnel from Folkestone last night and are spending a few hours ‘En France!’ It was a spur of the moment decision driven by my greed. We had been sitting at home and I suddenly had an urge for French patisserie and wondered aloud whether we could just get up and go? If so, would anyone would notice…
P1060233Chocolate Éclairs dans la fenêtre,
Would make many a dieter retch!
To display un Paris-Brest éclair,
On a dish, ce n’est pas fair!
P1060224A tray of twenty petit-fours,
I can see mine where are yours?
I’ll be coming home on a twenty-ton trolley,
Peut-etre, c’est seulement, l’Avril folie?
P1060214© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Last Load of Wheat!

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Early LorryThis morning is an early start as the last of the wheat from last harvest is leaving the farm. Unfortunately there is only around 10-12 tons wheras the lorry holds 29. So I’m sharing the load and the penalty for the trailer not being full with another farmer in the same situation. His wheat is already loaded and I’m praying that the rain stops before I load mine…

Up before the lark,
It’s pouring with rain,
When loading a lorry,
It’s a real pain.
If the moisture,
Is above fifteen,
There will be a penalty,
£2 a tonne, that’s obscene!
When the wheat arrives,
At the prcessing plant,
The first thing they add is water,
(They can, but I can’t!)

Happy Days!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
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Sheep By Proxy!

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DCIM101MEDIAThis week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Man Holds Up Supermarket Checkout!

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Plastic BagsImagine the scene: It is a weekday afternoon, you’ve finished work, picked up two grumpy kids from school and entered ‘Mummies Hell’. That’s right, you are doing the shopping for the weekend. Finally your trolley is full, the job is done, when…

Upon reaching the checkout,
The final hurdle to climb,
You start to fill the conveyor belt,
Shopping done in record time!
The trolley’s finally empty,
You sort the bags for life,
But there is a hold-up,
A man without his wife!
He’s a-struggling and a-wrestling,
His shopping’s in a pile,
The carrier bags won’t open,
He may quite a while!
So you saunter over,
With that withering look you can,
“The reason you can’t open them,
Not your fault you’re a man!”

With thanks to the kind lady who opened some bags for me this week. Yes! I did notice ‘the look’ and Yes! I did concede it was a gender failing and Yes! I did laugh with the lady on the checkout at my failing – OK? And still I find I can’t open the ‘effin things!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Those Devious Wine Gums!

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Wine GumsAre you weak-willed at times? Have you the willpower needed to resist those temptations that laugh at resistance? I admit that I lose resolve in the face of Wine Gums, Twiglets or Cheeselets, I call it my generic failing…

I sat in the office,
My mind an absentee,
When I saw a bright packet,
Gazing down at me!
It seemed to be shouting,
“Coo-ee, I’m up here,
I’m full of deliciousness,
Come and eat me!”
I returned to my keyboard,
But resistance was all shot,
I reached up for the bag,
And ate the bloody lot!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
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The Snap Decision!

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MousetrapThe other day I went in search of cheese biscuits. Not the most exciting quest when put alongside the Holy Grail, or the source of the Nile, I grant you, but someone’s got to do it. What I found might shock you…

I found biscuits for cheese from Christmas,
Unopened in the pack,
But in the corner was a hole,
I almost put them back!
I fetched a mousetrap from the drawer,
I bated it with care,
A chocolate coin from the cupboard,
The last one that was there!
Within an hour a mighty snap,
Announced the battle won,
Another snap some time later,
His brother too, was done!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Crops Away!

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LastloadYesterday saw the final load of last year’s harvest leave the farm. It is a time for reflection, but also anticipation of another harvest to come. It marks the start of a ‘deep clean’ campaign to ensure that crops leaving this farm are up to standard…

The last of Harvest ’14 has left the farm,
Unless a zombie attack there is no alarm,
The shed is empty, the grain store clear,
No more crops ‘till harvest appear.
Before that sweeping, vacuuming too,
Washing implements till they shine like new!
I’ll await an inspector with a fine toothcomb,
Who’ll frighten me to death then disappear home!
Finally comes August such far off days,
The crops will return in a hot heat haze!
And I will sing a happy refrain:
“Harvest is here off we go again!”Lastload2Thanks to all the drivers who have carted away our grain. You’re a great bunch who deserve more recognition for the work you all do.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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