Delivering Hay!

Posted on February 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The hay I made last summer is now being delivered and eaten by horses around North Hertfordshire. In the most part the end users are very pleased to see the supplies arrive and stacked in the barn…

I took hay to a livery yard,
Didn’t have to travel far,
A carefully stacked up load,
On a trailer behind the car!
Russell came to help me,
As I find it quite a strain,
Chucking bales around,
As if 21 again!

The horses seemed pleased to see us,
“Our supplies were getting low,
Come on get those bales off
Then we will let you go!”
As I was reversing out of the yard,
To Russell an old horse said,
“Thank heavens you’re here with that oldie,
He’s unfit and over-fed!”

I stopped the car to remonstrate,
Was calm and polite of course,
When all of a sudden it struck me,
“Oh! Good grief, a TALKING HORSE!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Och Aye! It’s Lidl

Posted on February 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the great joys of shopping in Aldi or Lidl is the unexpected items you come across. The other day in Lidl, Mrs Bard and I came across some items of clothing from another country. Burns Night was a week ago, but who knows what goes on in Letchworth amongst the Scottish émigrés…

There are kilts for sale in Lidl,
(only four remain),
alongside an electric rice kettle,
and stuff to get rid of a stain!
There’s Scotch near the checkout,
and porridge in the aisle,
in fact enough to satisfy,
the choosiest Scottish exile!With apologies to anyone from ‘beyond the wall’ (Hadrian’s), I wish you a belated Happy Burns Night! (so does Lidl!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Ungrateful Ducks!

Posted on January 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

Posted on January 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Wednesdaty I dragged Mrs Bard around the Lamma agricultural show at Peterborough. It was by and large an information-gathering exercise as well as a chance to see large shiny machinery (big boys toys!) I can neither afford nor justify. However one simple idea caught my eye. On our farm we have long since given up growing crops like oil-seed-rape and peas that pigeons destroy, so it was a case of admiring a wonderfully simple idea/product in action. It’s basically a kite, on a wire, on a pole…

You can fly it over many acres of OSR,
Or on an allotment if you have pigeons to bar!
If you’ve a problem with the neighbour’s cat,
Fly a Scarem and that could be that!
So all of you who in towns do dwell,
It could save your voice and flowerbeds as well!

…Only joking – we all just lurve cats!

Check out the Scarem kites at http://www.scarem.co.uk/
Brilliant, British and hated by pigeons everywhere!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

The Printer Doctor of Letchworth!

Posted on January 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

My trusty laser printer suddenly started to chew up paper before completely jamming up. Being from the ‘Throw-It-Away-Generation’ I started looking for a new printer. Then I thought about the £110 cartridge that I’d only just installed, added that to the ‘bargain prices’ and thought again! I looked online for a printer repairer and Iain from solutionshq.co.uk came into my printer’s life…

I took my printer to the printer doctor,
It was poorly and feeling unwell,
It was unable to digest the paper,
And had paper constipation as well.

I got an appointment in minutes,
Left her in overnight,
By this morning she was feeling much better,
Whirring and printing just right!

So here’s to Iain the printer doctor,
Thanks for the magic performed,
I hope I don’t need to see you shortly,
Because my printing is now perfectly formed!

With many thanks to Iain (http://www.solutionshq.co.uk) for laying his magic fingers onto my HP and making it better! (The problem was traced to a grape stalk that my granddaughter had inserted thinking the printer was a bin!).

© Baldock Bard 2015
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How Much is the Fishy…!

Posted on January 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Fishy Just before New Year I was shopping with my 2yo granddaughter. Something caught her eye and as usual I was in trouble for being slow to respond! As an ‘Inlander’ my knowledge of fish is less than my understanding of the ancient tribe of nomads that used to wander the ‘Great Plains of Baldock’. So I answered by making up “The Fishy Song”. At this point she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and muttered something about my obvious silliness. Sung to the tune of ‘How much is that doggy in the window!’…

How much is that fishy on the counter?
The one that is sitting on ice!
I’m hungry and I want it for supper,
That fishy on my plate would look nice!

Wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year 2015

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
 With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

The New Year’s Resolution!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The world and his wife seem to be talking about what they are going to forgo come midnight tonight. I too have given it much thought, although my options were limited, I seem to have come to a decision (of sorts)…

Someone gave me a box of Maltesers,
Chocolate covered ball-shaped pleasers!
I’d been wondering what to sacrifice,
For my New Year resolution had to be nice.
I could quite easily give up drinking,
I don’t smoke so I was thinking,
In a weak moment dark and late,
I could leave chocolate off my plate!
Just in case my resolve was forgot,
I went and ate the bloody lot!
I decided I couldn’t possibly go through,
Not eating something that’s so good for you!
Wishing you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, may dreams come true for you and those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Post Christmas Postures!

Posted on December 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Last French Fancy!

Posted on December 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon Mrs Bard and I were in our favourite supermarket when my stomach announced that it needed a sugar rush! Being weak-willed I had no choice but to obey. Hence the trolley gained a box of 8 French Fancies. Within the hour 7 had vanished…

The last French Fancy in the tray,
Should I keep it for another day?
Or should I rescue it from being alone?
And give it a warm and comfortable home?
A realisation makes me stop,
Just an hour ago they were in the shop!
Now I know what I must do,
Eat the last remaining one too!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Cornelius and The Hat!

Posted on December 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!