In Praise of Prawn Cocktail!

Posted on November 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some food-snobs who dismiss prawn cocktail on a menu as being either “steakhouse fodder for Tracy and Darren” or “oh, so Seventies dahling!” I don’t care if I’m thought of as being unfashionable. I’d also quite like to be Tracy and Darren’s age again thank you very much! I care little if the closest they get to haute cuisine is in a steakhouse or a repeat of Moldavian Masterchef on an obscure satellite channel. So crinkle the lettuce and reach for the Thousand Island, the starter is on its way…

Is a boy prawn called a cock?
And does he have a tail?
Perhaps he has a girlfriend,
Once frightened by a whale!
When he goes to bed,
Is his mattress made of lettuce?
Does he dream saucy dreams?
Containing spicy fetish!
Does he get back home?
Parents long in bed,
Having been out on the town,
Painting it green and red!

Darren’s taking Tracy,
Out on their first date.
He’s ordered prawn cocktail,
With a hope to consummate!
On the very next table,
From the hotel chain,
Roofers down from Salford,
Have ordered it once again!

So here’s to all Cocktailers,
From wherever you may hail,
We may not be the trendiest,
But we do love Prawn Cocktail!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
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The Joy of (someone else’s) Pigs!

Posted on October 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to a proper farm! OK, I jest, we left our farm to visit to a farm in a local town that has animals. I’ve always been critical of these ‘farms’ in the past, however I now have to retract everything I’ve ever said about them as I had great fun. It was wonderful, for instance, to see pigs (the last pig left our farm over twenty years ago!), without the attached work, attendant smelly clothes and weekend duties! However some visitors were not so used to the antics they bring to the farmyard…

Pepa the pig reared up in her stall,
An horrific squeal she let out!
A passing visitor almost collapsed,
in an effort to get the hell out!
With foam at her mouth, evil sharp teeth displayed,
Pepa looked frightening large and obese,
But once she had food, she was docile and calm,
And the piggery returned to peace!

http://www.standalonefarm.com gets my vote as the perfect place to take children of any age (and adults too)!

In Praise of the Humble Cucumber!

Posted on October 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, Mrs Bard grew some cucumbers in our small greenhouse. She lovingly watered, fed and cared for them. When they were ready to pick, one by one they disappeared. When there was just one remaining she kept watch at the window. She was about to give up her vigil when she spied the culprit. Our cat had crept into the greenhouse and was chomping on the remaining cucumber. If it happens now we blame our granddaughter who is equally as fond of them as the cat all those years ago…

There’s nothing like cucumber,
If you’re standing in a queue,
Maybe at the airport,
On the way to Timbucktoo!

They also enjoy cucumber,
In Sandwich down in Kent,
They are so very fond of it,
They say it’s heaven sent!

You’ll always find cucumber,
When you have tea at the Ritz,
It goes so well with Earl Grey,
Better than any biscuits!

Let’s hear it for the cucumber,
It makes a salad green,
Between two sheets of soft white bread
It’s fit for a noble Queen!

The Free Gift!

Posted on October 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was shopping yesterday when a magazine caught my eye. Inside the plastic covering was a wonderful FREE GIFT! Despite being the worlds worst cook I just had to buy it. When I returned home I complained that the spatula had made me do it…

I bought my wife a spatula,
The magazine with it was free,
She was impressed with the recipes,
The utensil was just for me!

I wanted to use the spatula,
To clear cake mix from the bowl,
The finished cake was much smaller,
Had become a mini Swiss Roll!

When my mother used to do baking,
I’d always stay very near,
In order not to waste mixture,
It would end up from mouth to ear!

What will happen in future?
With no free gift on the net,
We’ll have to use our fingers,
In a way we might yet forget!

We Plough the Fields and Scatter 2014!

Posted on October 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I attended a school harvest festival in a local church. Parents and children waited for the vicar to arrive… waited and waited. He finally arrived laden with shopping bags having obviously forgotten the engagement. During the interlude I bided my time by writing my version of the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ In the intervening twenty-odd years it was lost to the mists of time.
On Sunday morning we held a very agricultural harvest festival in our barn and the vicar was early! So early in fact that I was still in my overalls and work clothes and so had no time to write a new version. However Monday was torrentially wet, so settle down in your pew, open the service sheet and prepare to sing our first hymn…

We plough the fields and scatter,
With ‘help’ from the bossy EU,
They interfere in everything,
And tell us what to do!
They don’t know what a sheep is,
Of crops they’ve no idea,
They’re in the middle of intro-ducing,
More rules for us next year.

All paperwork surrounds us,
Is sent electronically now,
So thank all those in Bru-u-ssels,
That know not pig nor cow!

Emissions from our combines,
Are very bad indeed.
Many chemicals are banned now,
Putting at risk the seed.
We are all going backwards,
We’ll soon grown nothing at all,
They’ll shout hooray, on the day,
UK farming goes to the wall.

Rules and regu-la-tions,
Follow us wherever we farm,
Due to ageing fa-r-mers,
We can’t hear the alarm!

Those who’re farming near towns,
Are planting lots of bricks,
They keep their heads above wa-ter,
With a handsome cash-flow fix!
Wind and rain can’t hurt them,
Of drought they’ve no idea,
If they find themselves in trouble,
They’ll sell more land next year!

All neighbours that surround us,
Can’t stand the smell of muck!
It affects the price of pro-p-erty,
And they might come unstuck!

We thank our major superstores,
For screwing farmers dry,
They also rob their cust-o-mers,
They don’t really have to try.
They have lots of offers,
Our trolleys to augment,
They make profit on a loaf of bread
Of at least 1000 percent!

Our government doesn’t understand us,
Why should they even try?
When everything can come from abroad,
And farming’s left to die!

AMEN!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Feeding the Birds!

Posted on October 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I happened to look up from some paperwork the other morning and see my son-in-law and granddaughter on their way to feed the ducks. It made a great picture and led to a simple yet pleasing story of feeding birds…

We’re off to feed the ducks you know,
Holding hands as we go,
The dog trots happily by our side,
As we reach the woodland ride.

We have a bucket of saved tail corn,
Harvested before the ducks were born!
Someone call the bird police,
Behind us charge the hungry geese!

They will push the ducks aside,
Until they’ve got enough inside.
Then with a nervous glance,
The small wild birds will get their chance.

The Souvenir from Norfolk!

Posted on October 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It is strange how an old-fashioned illness can travel through a family like a non-stop express train through a rural station! My Granddaughter returned from a few days in Norfolk with a wonderful souvenir for us all. So violent is the virus that it didn’t even need unwrapping. I just hope that others are immune…

At the moment I dare not cough,
Or be but near a very large trough.
A sickness virus has laid me low,
Not far from the bathroom dare I go.
I don’t feel like reading an exciting book,
I can’t even give any food a look.
The simplest pleasure from a glass of water,
Denied by a bug from my granddaughter!
I don’t suggest you even try it,
The weight-loss properties an instant diet!
Others have recovered after 24 hours,
So I’m hoping for super bodily powers.
So if you see me just walking past,
The bug has gone elsewhere at last!

Relief supplies were most welcome!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^thWith more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Farmer’s Idea of ‘An Evening Out!’

Posted on October 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This time of year, when we are busy cultivating on the farm, it is dark by about 7pm. Worried by the threat of bad weather forecast for next week, I decided to put in a few extra hours. Whilst plodding up and down the field my mind wandered and I came up with this verse…

A local farmer, short and stout,
Told his wife, he was spending, the evening out!
“I’ll be back, but it’ll be late,
You could leave some supper on a plate!”
His wife who was neat and uncommonly kind,
Said to him, “I really don’t mind!”
As she knew there was no other distractor,
The ‘Other Woman’ was his tractor!

The Big Hungry Fish!

Posted on September 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Staying with friends in Portland on the South Coast of Dorset, I noticed a pair of rather attractive dishes on the bedside tables in my room. They were handmade in Greece, possibly by former Euro-currency traders, now potters, all called Zorba. Not knowing why, I took a couple of snaps and ‘Hey-Presto’ here they are…

A little fish was swimming,
in the water against the tide,
A large fish called out to him:
“Come here for a ride!”

The little fish responded:
“I think I’ll swim beneath,
Because I’m rather wary
of your great big teeth!”

“My teeth are made for smiling,
My teeth are made to grin,
I’m really not that hungry,
You’re welcome to come in!”

Just as he was speaking,
His big mouth open wide,
A hook from the surface,
Lodged itself inside!

It just goes to show,
(If you are a fish)
What you end up getting,
Is not always what you wish!

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When Fish Float By!

Posted on September 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been in someone else’s room and suddenly found yourself in shock? I was staying with some friends at the weekend when suddenly I found myself wondering just where I was. I knew I was in a cellar-room but was the view from the window an illusion? Just how deep was the subterranean room? There were more questions than answers…

Sitting in the smallest room,
On a pristine throne,
Pondering the meaning of life,
Peaceful and all alone.
I looked up from my thought process,
The morning light was dim,
Did my eyes deceive me?
Was I out on a limb?
Fish were swimming past,
On a coral reef,
It was just a sticker,
I discovered with relief.
But it made me think,
How cruel some hosts can be,
After a night with drink!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food