Back To Smarties!

Posted on August 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a tube of Smarties for what must be the first time since my daughter was at primary school. In the intervening twenty-odd years much has changed. Gone is the round tube with its collectable coloured and lettered plastic top. As for the contents of the new unimaginative colapsible hexagonal package…

Whatever’s happened to Smarties
I heard myself refrain
They say they’re the best taste
Yet they don’t taste the same

Their taste is unexciting
Colour no longer six
They are almost bad enough
To be sold from ‘Pick and Mix’

I know that I’m an oldie
And oldies must complain
But bring back original Smarties
This change is just a shame!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Farmer’s Rash!

Posted on July 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a rather nasty seasonal allergy at the moment. Its symptoms include: sleeplessness, sweating, worry and an unfortunate ability to make rash decisions due to blind panic. Harvest looks like it’s early for this region and I’m in headless-chicken mode…

I saw a combine and on came my condition,
I rushed out to a field to check on its position,
Is it ready for cutting or is it not?
Back to the farm, moisture meter I forgot!
If it’s sunny for the next few days,
Will we be ready to harvest raise?
It rained this morning, didn’t expect that,
Must recalculate my calculations, damn and drat!
But now it’s sunny, the heat is growing,
Will it make a difference that the wind’s not blowing!
Did I order diesel? Did I order oil?
Are there dust masks for the harvest toil?
When we start to cut, the panic suddenly goes,
Why another seasonal allergy? Heaven only knows!

Picture shows a neighbour combining in order to throw me into a blind panic!
Thankfully I have North Herts Farmers at the end of the phone to sort me out and calm me down! Thanks to all in the office!

Ode to Chocolate!

Posted on July 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Of all the food I like to eat,
Chocolate is a special treat!
Good in pud or in a bar,
It’s my favourite food by far!
This simple thought makes me smile
As I mosey down the Chocolate aisle.

Cheese Sauce!

Posted on July 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know someone who has consistent bad luck? Someone who if at all possible ends up on the wrong train, going to the wrong town, on the wrong day? Kevin (name changed to avoid total embarrassment) has these capabilities…

Kevin took books back to the library,
(He likes to read for hours!)
The librarian said: “you should be home instead,
the computer says these aren’t ours!”

He once went to a party in London,
Drink (a lot) did flow,
On the train back, had a snoring attack,
And woke up cold in the depot!

The other day he ate in a café
Due to work he was very flustered!
Instead of cheese sauce, (on a jacket of course)
He had covered the potato in custard!

Happy Friday (Kevin)!

Eating Greens!

Posted on July 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how looking after grandchildren is so very different from looking after your own children. Perhaps I’m not a great role model, but it seems to be a much more relaxed process, one filled with fun rather than instruction…

‘Eat up your greens!’
My mother said,
‘They help to feed
The brains in your head!’

Yesterday I looked after,
My young granddaughter.
I didn’t repeat,
What perhaps I oughta!

We had great fun,
(it’s in the genes!)
And without any nagging,
She ate all her greens!

A Whole Loader-Bucket!

Posted on July 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On my small farm it takes seventeen bucket-loads of my not-so-small JCB loader bucket and about seventeen minutes to load a twenty-nine ton lorry. Recently at a show I saw the mother-of-all-buckets. Using this leviathan would take less than five buckets and about six minutes to load the same lorry. Assuming that Mick, who organizes our haulage, could line up enough lorries, it could only take just over two hours to shift all our harvest (unless you have a hole in your bucket)…

“That’s a whole loada bucket,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“that’s a whole loada bucket,
for loading your wheat!”

“To what can I attach it?”
Said Palmer, the farmer,
to what can I attach it,
to load lorries with wheat.”

“Just buy a big JCB,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“You’ll see that they’re trouble-free
to quickly load wheat!”

The Pavement Robbers!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I was in the City of Ely with the family. We were wandering along a pavement when we were accosted by three highway robbers disguised as ducks! They blocked the pavement and approached my Granddaughter…

“Stand and deliver!
Your crumbs or your life!
You’ve eatables aboard,
To feed me and the wife!
So let’s see what you’ve got,
Hidden in that pushchair,
Don’t you dare make a false move,
‘Cos we are here to scare!
Give us up a breadstick,
We’d even accept a sweet,
Any you can be on your way,
Unhindered down our street!”

The Allotment Holders!

Posted on June 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are currently 330,000 allotments in the United Kingdom. With its roots in Anglo-Saxon times, allotments became widespread during the Nineteenth Century when small plots of land were given over to the labouring poor. Today these small pieces of land are as popular as ever with more people enjoying ‘the Good Life’ and discovering the taste of truly fresh food…

Old Jack wanders down the road at nine,
To hoe his beans tied up with twine.
After the school run his plot-neighbour Sue,
Parks the Volvo she has much to do!
“Know anyone with spare pea sticks?”
While Eric with care some cabbages picks!
Michelle has three rows of early spuds,
Makes a change from dishwashing suds!
They share, they help, they cooperate,
And enjoy fresh veg upon their plate!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Facebook: Baldock Bard
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Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Hidden World of Refrigerator Maintenance!

Posted on May 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Our refrigerator stopped working, or rather it started behaving like a broken oven. We called in Alex who has the magic and can resurrect most mechanical fails. Despite looking from many different angles and making multiple measurements, calculations and life-saving chants, he was unable to save the appliance…

When mending a fridge,
You must take care,
Not to slam the door,
Or get it caught in your hair!
You must be polite,
Possibly do some pleading,
If that doesn’t work,
Do some manual reading!
Is there illumination?
When the door’s ajar,
If it’s intermittent,
Reach for Pinot Noir!
If there’s no motor hum,
Coming from the back,
Lie down on the floor,
Give it a mighty thwack!
If it’s still not working,
There’s little you can do,
Except admit defeat,
You’ll be after one that’s new!

Shopping Level: Fail!

Posted on May 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some things in life appear simple but in reality are very difficult to accomplish. Take shopping. Mrs Bard whizzes around the shops and even though she has no list, she buys everything we’ll need. I find it slightly harder as I am easily sidetracked and forget what I have gone to the shop for…

“I’ll go shopping,” I heard myself say,
“There’s not much we need today!”
So off I went clutching bags for life,
To take some pressure from my wife!
Now in the past I’ve been known,
To bring unwanted shopping home,
I get to the store with the best intentions,
Then distracted by consumer inventions!
But this time I’d made a list,
So no groceries could be missed.
Up the aisles I pushed my trolley,
Getting sidetracked would be a folly.
Standing in the checkout queue,
Special offers hove into view!
I reached home thinking ‘success,’
“I’ve done the shopping at M&S!”
I now know how a good husband makes,
He knows to hide the chocolate teacakes!
“You can’t even accomplish a task with ease,
You’ve gone and forgotten the bloody cheese!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food