The Confused Trout Avoid Keep Net!

Posted on May 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friend Tony went fishing for trout at the weekend in a Dorset river courtesy of some ‘Benefactors from Kent!’ Unfortunately his keep net remained unused. I don’t think the South-Western fish recognised his Midland-esque flies…

Tony went down to the river to fish,
He took with him knife, fork and a dish,
Wore his best tweeds with hat and wader,
Took to the waters looking like Darth Vader!

Loosened his flies and flexed his rod,
Cast his line and prayed to God!
Sadly he slipped with a great big splash,
Soaked to the skin, his wallet and cash!

Unfortunately for him the fish didn’t bite,
No fish to be caught for supper that night!
But all was not lost as the river rose,
He’d purchased a back-up from Waitrose!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Tempting Tasty Cream Cakes!

Posted on May 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a weakness for the baker’s shelves. As I get older I find it nigh on impossible to pass the baker’s shop in Baldock without sneaking in for a crafty iced donut or bun. However I console myself with the fact that I only pass the shop once or twice a week, unlike some…

Slim Jim Jones likes sweet cakes,
From the baker not branded makes,
Every time he walks by,
He has to go inside and buy!

His trousers started getting tight,
Heartburn stalked his chest at night,
His wife started calling him ‘Jumbo Jim’
He could no longer be called slim!

His mother even asked one day,
Was there news of a child on the way?
The next stage was a pavement scooter,
With flying pendant and squeaky hooter!

Now he sleeps in an empty bed,
Looks like a rhino with a pumpkin head,
His wife wouldn’t stay, he tried to make her,
She’s gone to live with a cream-cake baker!

Ducks Shout from the Roof-Tops!

Posted on April 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening two ducks were sat on the roof opposite the house. Nothing seemed to bother them as they sat looking down on the world. Kevin didn’t seem to bothered that he had no i-Phone and Kaylee wasn’t looking to go clubbing…

Mr and Mrs Duck are sitting on the roof
Watching the world go by
Mr Duck is acting aloof,
Can’t be bothered to fly!

“Look at those people down there!”
Darren says to Ducky-wucky his wife,
“They spend their time rushing about,
I’m not sure I fancy their life!”

“We have to find our food every day,
We don’t go to Tesco or Aldi,
We’ve no credit card or savings,
Everything we eat is all free!”

“No worry about our pensions,
Old age spent in the sun,
Our only real worry is simple:
A farmer carrying a gun!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Perils of Dust when Cultivating!

Posted on March 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we went cultivating in preparation for drilling Spring Beans. The ground was very dry on top and ‘puggy’ underneath. A rocky crust but wet enough to make pottery just below the surface! However it was great to see dust coming off the cultivator, something that just a few weeks ago I couldn’t begin to imagine.

There’s dust a-blowing on them there hills,
It blows away the torrential ills!
The tractor rushes across the field,
Preparing the ground for a great bean yield!
The dust blows onto passing traffic,
Causing language, oh so graphic!
A husband turns to his wife to say:
“I only washed the car Sunday!”

“Well you’ll just have to wash it again my dear!”
She says, in a way, he doesn’t sense her sneer!
While all the time she’s thinking, ‘Yes!”
Another weekend job for him to address!
Sunday morning he’s out in the rain,
He’s washing the car – farmers to blame!
He’s steaming like breakfast burning toast,
Forgets from where came his Sunday Roast!
“Bloody Farmers!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Rhyming Midday Breakfast!

Posted on March 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In hospital once again with an elderly relative, I had hunger knock at the door! Unfortunately these days there is so much choice in the motorway-style food court in a hospital that the mind boggles. From Burger King and the Baguette Company to Costa Coffee and Starbucks the choice of healthy food is endless…

I had a little Starbucks,
Nothing could compare,
Except a glass of champagne,
They hadn’t any there!

I had a breakfast panini,
In the middle of the day,
Hardly the height of decadence,
But it was ok!

So if you’re feeling hungry,
And you haven’t munching time,
Grab whatever’s closest,
And ‘Hey Presto’ there’s a rhyme!

The Steak-House Date!

Posted on February 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day, being closer to pensionable rather than school age, Mrs Bard and I had a mid-afternoon lunch at what used to be called a steakhouse. It was flattering being the youngest diners in the place! Some of the men were obviously enjoying a rare cooked meal judging by the angle of attack on their plates. A couple in the corner had left it dangerously late for a first date…

Albert Addcombe (sixty-eight),
Went to a steak-house on a first date.
Betty Briggs who’s sixty-one,
Was hoping for a bit more fun!

Albert carefully parked the car,
And headed straight for the salad bar!
Betty, restrained, chose a smallish plate,
While Albert grabbed enough to suffocate!

His giant main course was eaten at speed,
He ate most of hers such was his greed.
And swilled it down with a gallon of lager,
Betty watched with horror this cement-mixer saga!

Then the waitress asked if he could,
Manage to eat anything for pud!
Looking his date square in the eye,
“I think I could manage a little pie!”

The pie arrived like a wagon wheel,
Covered in cream (squirty not real!)
Albert, being one not to be beaten,
Didn’t stop until it was eaten!

Out in the car park “Enjoy the date?”
His Vesuvian belch sealed his fate.
“Come my dear you can drive me home!”
Alas Albert Addcombe was standing alone!

A Valentine’s Day Gift for Somerset Farmers

Posted on February 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Up and down the country farmers are donating forage for those farmers in Somerset who desperately need help. The Young Farmers Clubs are central in helping to organize this relief effort aided by the National Farmers Union and other farmers groups. Haulage companies have given their services for free and farmers are taking fodder to central points for collection. At present those organising the distribution in Somerset have asked for a halt to deliveries, so we wait our turn. Community spirit is alive and well in the countryside this Valentine’s day…
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Hay is the gift
We’ll send to you
It won’t arrive
For Valentine’s day
But it will be there
Whenever you say
So meantime it’s stored
On the farm in the queue
Just wanted to say
We’ll not forget you.

If you’d like to donate forage, please get in touch with your local YFC or NFU and they can point you in the right direction. Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Trolley Rider!

Posted on February 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Having taken the Granddaughter shopping this afternoon I have re-learnt a lesson from long ago; shelf-pickers ride in the trolley! It is best not to get too close to the shelves…

The discerning trolley-rider knows,
How to make mum spend at Waitrose!
Down the aisle, to and fro,
Pick off shelves, she won’t know!

Then at the till you snivel and winge,
So she doesn’t notice the extra things!
When we’re home, she starts stropping,
“How did these things get in my shopping?”

The child sits there, thinks: ‘serves her right!
It’s not my fault you’re so uptight!
Perhaps next time you’ll let me choose,
It can’t be worse, you’ve nothing to lose!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Dolly and the Mischievous Geese!

Posted on February 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter is rather angry at the moment. Her geese have gone feral. In other words they are doing what they want, rather than being visible from a window when required. I found them yesterday in Dolly the Horse’s field, causing mischief…

Dolly the Horse has been talking,
In conference with the geese,
They told her she was the prettiest,
That she had a golden fleece!

They told her she was capable,
Anything she could do,
Could she kick over the feed bin?
So they could have oats too!

They told her she could fly,
They said ‘over the gate you go’,
She galloped off down the paddock,
Flew over the gate just so!

There was only one problem,
The geese munched all the oats,
Poor Dolly was left with no supper,
Would now rather share her field with goats!

Vomiting Vicky the Cement Mixer!

Posted on January 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my trusty side-kick (and son-in-law), John, bought a cement mixer on E-Bay. Yesterday we tried it out for the first time and unfortunately, despite mixing two wheelbarrow loads of concrete perfectly, it then misbehaved. So if anyone has any tips on how to deal with a drunken mixer…

The cement mixer’s just been sick,
Vomited over the yard,
It has had too much to drink,
And now knows life is hard!

Tomorrow it’ll feel unwell,
A hangover beyond compare,
It’ll hide out of sight in the shed,
And pretend to not be there!

So far it has no name,
But this won’t take so long,
Vomiting Vicky may possibly do,
But I might be wrong!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food