Gary’s Big Earth Give-away!

Posted on January 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a large bag of crisps recently and noticed to my delight that not only was there a competition to win farmland on the packet, but also every purchaser was already a winner! I was so excited I almost rang our local machinery dealer to order extra machinery for this unexpected increase in acreage…

Hurrah, Hurrah! I’ve won some land,
To expand my farm,
it wasn’t planned!
I went out shopping the other night,
Bought a bag of crisps,
had quite a fright!
Gary Linaker’s gonna give me some earth,
Has he any idea,
of what it’s worth?
He doesn’t know yet but he’ll be sore,
It’s very valuable,
they not making more!
So I think I’ll have ten acres near Welwyn,
The owner doesn’t know
…I’ll let Gary tell him!

Unfortunately the packaging was disposed of before I had time to check my lucky code. However all credit to Walkers for their unique and tempting competition.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Who Ate All The Pies?

Posted on January 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you ever have one of those days where time vanishes in front of your very eyes? You look up from your computer screen only to discover that in the five minutes since you sat at your desk, four hours have passed! Yesterday I was ambushed by a gang of bloodthirsty acronyms: VAT, SPS, HLS and their notorious leader PAYE-RTI. I was held hostage until lunchtime when I managed to cut through the ropes using the corner of the desk and escape their stranglehold…

I drove down to Baldock in quite a state,
I was off to the bank and I was quite late,
After the bank I went to a shop,
Where some apple pies told me to stop!
“You can’t leave us to the mercy of others,
They’ve already had our cousins and brothers!”
So in my basket they had to go,
Despite my waistline continuing to grow.
When I got home and back to my screen,
They had vanished, nowhere to be seen!
After a long search all around the house,
I had to resort to blaming a mouse!
So if you are propositioned by an apple pie,
They’re all untrustworthy and likely to lie!

For my readers outside the UK: VAT – Value Added Tax, SPS – Single (farm) Payment Scheme, HLS – Higher Level Stewardship (of the countryside), PAYE-RTI – Pay As You Earn – Real Time Information (online tax scheme for employers).

Row, Row, Row your Boat!

Posted on January 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my Granddaughters favourite books has a button that you press to play a tune while you sing the words:
Row,row, row the boat,
Gently down the stream,
If you see a crocodile
Don’t forget to scream!
Yesterday I went to look around the farm. As we are on the top of a hill I didn’t expect to see flooding. However we have had almost half our annual rainfall in one month. The land has had as much water as it can take, the ditches are full to overflowing and it has nowhere else to go. Just when farmers needed a good harvest to keep their heads above water! Looking at a small lake I was reminded that there are many many farmers whose fields are completely underwater. So as I waded through the water, knowing there was nothing I could do, I started to sing…

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the ditch,
When you see your flooded fields,
You know life is a bitch!

Wash, wash, wash your boat,
On a bright June day,
There is now a hosepipe ban,
Put that hose away!

‘Always look on the bright side of life,
der dum, der dum, der dum, der dum…’ Eric Idle

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Empty Plate? Piece of Cake!

Posted on January 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

All our Christmas/New-Year guests have returned to their differing parts of the country (along with dogs!) and the house is now very quiet! Most things were to our guests liking, however one concern was raised…

One of our guests,
Mini-scene did make,
When she discovered,
No Christmas Cake!
We hadn’t had drink,
Nor were we pissed,
We’d just left it off,
Our shopping list!

We went to Stevenage,
And there in store,
Discounted cakes,
Not seen before!
So I’m ecstatic,
(she won’t agree),
As all this cake,
Is just for me!
(And it was absolutely fabulous, thank-you Mr Waitrose!)
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

Posted on January 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning, in a positive frame of mind, I turned on the news. Commuters going back to work and complaining about fare rises formed such a large part of the content that I pressed the red button within seconds. Then I realised that it was a sign. Christmas is back in the box, it’s back to reality and the rubbish needs to go out…

It feels like Monday morning,
All Christmas magic stripped away,
We’re back to work,
Not even a smirk,
Months ’till the next holiday!

The Christmas tree to the garden,
The wrapping paper to the loft,
Empty bottles in,
The recycling bin,
From food waste a turkey waft!

So here’s to 2014,
Resolutions wearing thin!
What the year will be,
We wait and see,
Now last year’s in the bin!

The Fussy Eater (ungrateful little sod!)

Posted on December 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was recently listening to a mother who was being run ragged by her infant. She was berating the fact that he would only eat recognised brands of food. She was quite taken aback when I suggested that her son was an ungrateful little sod. My recommendation that food should be withheld until he was hungry enough to eat it, also fell on deaf ears (names have been changed!)…

I knew a child called Alfie Sands
Was allergic to eating certain brands!
Everything that came to his table
Had to come with a specific label

His poor mother spent her time
Avoiding brands that made him whine!
In an attempt to cut her bill
She bought own-brand, it made him ‘ill’

Some years later when he’d flown the nest
His shopping budget wasn’t the best
When cheaper food was procured
To his surprise he found himself cured!

The Christmas Roll

Posted on December 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a houseful of friends here at Bard Towers over the Christmas period. Providing supplies for the friendly invasion has been a joint effort from all. However when it came down to ‘those seasonal extras’ there were some surprises…

A friend brought some Christmas loo-roll,
An extravagance unsurpassed,
With a household of good eaters,
We’ve got though it quite fast!
On the day after Christmas,
There was even a queue,
Some weren’t as desperate,
And said politely “after you!”
And now the holiday’s winding down,
And we are quite bereft,
Because in the smallest room,
There’s only one roll left!

Boxing Day (round two by a knockout!)

Posted on December 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m not sure of the modern meaning of ‘Boxing Day’. I’m not even sure of what it represents apart from as a safety cushion between the culinary and alcoholic excess of the day before and the return to reality the day after. It doesn’t really matter what it stands for as to be honest I’m still past caring…

Boxing Day is here at last,
Christmas holidays fading fast,
Wrapping paper in a cardboard box,
What’s under the tree? Kevin’s socks!
Uncle Pete is banged to rights,
Down in Surrey he’s got no lights!
No cold turkey, sprouts or spuds,
He’s surrounded by fast-flowing floods
Uncle Alex after a long walk (bracing),
Snores in front of the TV racing!
Others sit in an electronic haze,
Digital delights on Christmas days!
So here we sit Boxing Day afternoon,
An excess evacuation will be needed soon!

Turkey Tales 2: Alvin the Turkey!

Posted on December 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

When we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market (see yesterday’s blog http://bit.ly/JzUDDr ). The close proximity of turkeys from August to December had a profound effect. By the time the last turkey had left the building on Christmas Eve, you were even dreaming about turkey, turkey turkey! Late one evening after many hours in the plucking shed, Mrs Bard collapsed exhausted in the chair, the cat jumped onto her lap and she attempted to pluck the moggie (which actually enjoyed the close attention). By Christmas Eve the rare hallucinogenic qualities associated with too much close contact with turkey was evident. The only cure being a session of cold turkey…

Alvin the Turkey wore glasses,
Without them he’d miss the path,
All the farm animals used to do pointing:
“There goes Alvin with Glasses,” they’d laugh!

Doreen his mother was a wise one,
Unfortunately she was also long dead,
She used to scold him at mealtimes,
Shouting “don’t gobble your food” and she said:

“If you take care of your figure,
You’ll be on the right side of thinner!
You’ll keep your voice and always rejoice,
And you’ll never become Christmas Dinner!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food