Turkey Tales: Cyril the Turkey-Plucker’s Tale

Posted on December 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my favourite pictures of my late mother is of her modelling ‘peasant-wear 1980’s style’ in the turkey-plucking shed. In those far-off days (pre-1990s) we’d prepare over 2,000 turkeys for London butchers. For many years we even supplied the butcher at Windsor that produced turkeys for the Queen to give to officers stationed at the castle over Christmas (the shop is now an ice-cream parlour I believe). Local hand-pluckers used to want the work and extra money for Christmas. How times change! The turkey-plucking shed is now devoid of feathers, radio and pre-Christmas chatter, these days Eastern Europeans pluck vast numbers by machine and nobody believes the old stories anymore…
Cyril (in the rear of the photo) was an engine driver on the railways who came to the farm in early December to pluck turkeys on his days off. He worked out of Kings Cross Station, London. His favourite journey was from the terminus, splitting from the main line at Hitchin and running up to Cambridge. Every year he’d ask if he could have a bag of wheat from the farm and we’d provide a sack-full thinking that maybe he had chickens in his back garden. One year he told us the purpose of the wheat: On his way through Ashwell towards Cambridge, Cyril would occasionally throw wheat from the cab of the train. On the way back he’d stop the train, climb down from the cab and pick up any dead pheasants from a local estate that subsequent trains had hit. Quite often angry commuters would wind down the window and in angry tones shout, “What’s the problem, Driver?” Cyril would shout back, “Sorry for the delay sir, something on the track!”
Cyril died suddenly, some years before retirement. He was a kind-hearted man with a cheeky grin and a wonderful way with a story. We still miss him and always remember him at this time of year.

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And They’re Off (Losing each way!)

Posted on December 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Speaking to my Godmother on the phone the other evening, she proudly announced that she’d won part of a horse in a draw. Not wishing to mention Tesco or ‘beef’ pies, I simply congratulated her. How much of the horse she now owned wasn’t divulged, but it sounded like possibly less than a hoof! When she mentioned its name and that it was running at Plumcanton (or similar!) I couldn’t resist an amateur each-way wager…

My Godmother won,
Part of a horse,
A horse bred for racing,
Not pies of course!
She told me its name,
And I was excited,
So I backed it each way,
Was highly delighted.
It couldn’t lose,
Because of the name,
All horses to me,
Look just the same.
“And they are off!”
Yelled a commentator,
My mind on the winnings,
I’d collect later!
It was pipped to the post,
Wouldn’t you know it?
What was its name?
The Snappy Poet!

With grateful thanks to At The Races for the ability to watch the race.
At The Races is available on Sky Channel 415

The Instructive Farm Walk (windy times down on the farm!)

Posted on December 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning, Son-in-law Bard and I went on a farm walk on somebody else’s farm. While you may think that this was simply a pleasant stroll in the rolling hills of North Hertfordshire followed by a spot of lunch, please step away from the presumption. This was a fascinating walk, observing another farmer’s methods along with experts. One expert (bad cop!) warned us of the penalties available from non-compliance of rules invented by Europe and gold-plated in London. The other (good cop) waxed lyrical about the added-value of conservation for the land, the beast and the bug. Now, before you think I’m being cynical, we have large areas of the farm dedicated to just this, so in some ways she was preaching to the choir. However you are never too old or too ugly to learn, so I hung onto every word (especially the warnings of financial penalties!)…
Thirty farmers went out on a walk,
To listen to advice and a cautionary talk.
Wearing wellies, coats and hats,
Flapping and walking like wax-clothed bats!

Storm force wind from the North West,
While we were told what bees like best!
Pollen and nectar margins are good,
For bees and bugs and beetles you should!

The dates when fertilizer, spread it you can,
Have been decided by desk-bound man.
You must keep the spread from a water-course,
Spread only so much from a sheep, cow, or horse!

Plant winter seed to feed wild bird,
To only plant millet would be quite absurd,
Add wild radish, mustard and kale,
The birds will be happy, you cannot fail.

Make sure you spray at recommended times,
Or you’ll be subject to varying fines!
Be aware of LERAPS, it’s a great solution,
If you wish to avoid prosecution.

Plant beetle banks to keep them alive,
Will also help your crops to thrive.
Other insects will become your friend,
And lessen the amount of chemical spend.

Don’t forget the NVZ,
Non-compliance, Bang! You’re dead!
Then of course there’s Cross-Compliance,
A multi-use tool (or fine-making appliance!),

But as one old farmer said to me,
Be better make profit from growing you see,
“Nobody cares about food anymore,
What we need now is a bloody good war!”
With thanks to all involved in the morning’s session at Bennington especially ‘Good Cop’ and ‘Bad Cop’ for making sense of much that befuddled me.
Glossary of Terms:
LERAPS: Local Environment Risk Assesment for Pesticides
NVZ: Nitrogen Vulnerable Zones
CROSS COMPLIANCE: A requirement for farmers to comply with a set of Statutory Management Requirements (SMRs) and keep their land in Good Agricultural and Environment Condition (GAEC) in order to qualify for Single Payment Scheme (SPS) and other direct payments.

Forty-year-old Sandwiches!

Posted on November 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I spent a school summer holiday working for an agricultural engineer called Willie Williamson, in Baldock. I’d cycle the two miles from home with special sandwiches, that my mother had made, in my duffel bag. Recently I joined a group of villagers on a working party to tidy up the churchyard. We’d been asked to bring food to share. I decided to replicate history…

I made some sandwiches,
My mother used to make,
To go in my lunchbox,
Beside a slice of cake!
She’d take some bread,
Spread on some Dairylea,
The add sliced cucumber,
Was good enough for me!
Si replicated,
This forty-year-old snack,
And at the end of the day,
There were none to take back!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Sammy the Lazy Seagull!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent report suggested that seagulls were becoming a menace in seaside resorts. It would seem that they are no longer sea-faring folk but have opted for an easier life. Strange how nature sometimes mirrors our own behaviour…

Sammy Seagull’s father used to say:
“Follow the trawler every day,
That’s how you get the freshest fish,
To make an amazing dinner dish!”

Sammy however was a lazy sod,
Couldn’t be bothered to fly for cod,
He just waited at the edge of town,
Where tourist coaches turned around!

While pensioners went to the takeaway,
He’d sit by the benches then ‘Whey-hey!’
Chips with cod coated in batter,
No trawler around didn’t matter!

Autumn arrives where’s Sammy now?
Flown inland to follow the plough!
The farmer ploughs and the furrow turns,
Exposing thousands of wriggly worms!

In cold bleak winter, frozen pip,
Sammy lives by the landfill tip,
On the hour to feed the brood,
The dustcart brings yet more food!

Sammy’s the fattest gull around,
He’s almost too large to leave the ground!
Meanwhile his father, knackered and thin,
Waits at the harbour for his boat to come in!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
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Hot Spots Before the Cereal Bowl!

Posted on September 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of year it’s not just about getting the new crop in the ground. We have to keep an eye on the storage of the crop we harvested last month. Some of the wheat has left the farm and is probably well on it’s way towards your cereal bowl. The remainder is in a large heap on the floor of the barn…

I climbed the heap yesterday morning,
And sat upon the top,
Wiped the sweat from my brow,
Could have used a mop!

Then with a curdling scream,
(milked it for all it’s worth!)
I plunged the spear into the heap,
Went easier than in earth!
I pressed some buttons on the front,
The machine with a flashing light,
It gave me moisture and temperature,
Confirmed the wheat was alright!

But there was a different patch,
Where the temperature was quite hot,
So in went a fan driven sucky-thing!
To remove the bad warm spot!
I left it sucking for half a day,
And when I at last returned,
The temperature of the spot was down,
Another lesson learned!

So if your breakfast cereal,
Seems a little hard,
It’s not my fault, I’m telling you,
Didn’t come from my farm yard!

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Our Very Own Aga Saga!

Posted on September 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many farmhouses here in the UK have an AGA range. Not only can they cook food, boil water and heat the house but they can also resuscitate lambs, dry wet clothes and warm tired aching feet! They come in either two oven or four oven models. Like anything, they are wonderful when going well. However, despite their simplicity, they need annual servicing and an expert if they fail. We have such a person, Duncan, and he rescues us when the 40-year-old AGA has problems…

The Aga sits contented,
Ours is coloured blue,
The kettle is on standby,
Cup of tea for you?
It comes complete with terrier,
(Not on the spare parts list),
When the Aga’s not alight,
It is sorely missed!

But what is this – it’s stone cold?
The dogs at once complain.
Where can I dry my soaking coat,
When in from pouring rain!
Rush to the phone – emergency,
Duncan can you come?
The Aga’s lost all it’s heat,
The dogs are looking glum!

Coming down the drive,
The sight of Duncan’s van,
Kitchen-range recovery,
Can he fix it? Yes he can!
He pokes, scrapes and prods,
The burner into life,
And all at once it’s better,
Again he’s saved our life!
Duncan Newton is an independant Aga expert covering Herts, Beds, Bucks, Essex and Cambs and can be reached at Newton Aga Services newtonagaservices@sky.com or 07971 064 282

We Have Bean Away!

Posted on September 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In most years we store nearly all the crops in the barn until the co-operative (Fengrain) has sold them. This year everything seems to be topsy-turvy! We seemed to have harvested all the crops in the wrong order and now we are loading beans which is normally a winter job! The lorry driver commented, “last year when I collected beans it was -10 degrees, this year it’s touching +30!”…

Out of the bin,
roll the beans,
rattle into the conveyor.
Then along towards,
the elevator,
in a rolling bean-filled layer!
Up they rise,
to the top,
of the shed until the spout!
Where all at once,
gravity takes hold,
and with a fairground-rush they’re out!
Down into the truck,
with a mighty roar,
that deafens all who’re near.
Until the siren,
screams “LORRY FULL,
that’s thirty tonnes, yer hear!”
All that’s left,
is to roll over the sheet,
to protect the valuable load.
Oh! And then the paperwork,
bloody paperwork,
and then they’re off the farm by road!

A Surprise on the Menu!

Posted on September 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday evening Mrs Bard and I went out to the Allimentum restaurant in Cambridge for their Sunday Supper Club. Mark Pointon, the Head Chef, likes to tease and surprise with his novel dishes and try out new ideas on customers on a Sunday evening once a month. However this time I was in for more than a culinary surprise. Just as we were called to our tables a fellow-diner who we’d not seen for over twenty years approached us!
Bryan and I went to college together to study agriculture, nearly forty years ago. That we met in Cambridge is not that remarkable, however the fact that Mrs B and I had been discussing him and what he might possibly be up to, not ten minutes before, as we drove to the restaurant, is beyond coincidence.
The last time we met he was selling teak garden furniture at an agricultural show. I clearly remember at the time thinking that his talents were being wasted. You see, Bryan has always been a ‘fixer’. At college it was obvious that his talents lay in organising, therefore to find him selling garden furniture had been incongruous to say the least!
I am pleased to be able to say that he has, very successfully by the look of it, found his niche in life as an organiser of world-wide corporate golf.
As I am used to looking in the mirror every morning at a face that resembles a bag of spanners, it is with a small portion of ‘Les yeux vert’ that he has aged so well.
For someone who dreads any form or reunion, it was great to catch up with him, once I’d recovered from the shock!
Oh! I nearly forgot, amongst all the excitement, the food was so good I almost licked the plate…

To enjoy Bryan’s organisational skills for your corporate golfing event go to http://www.golffish.co.uk

To enjoy Mark Pointon’s exceptional food at the Michelin-starred Allimentum go to http://www.restaurantalimentum.co.uk

How to Handle the Stress of World Markets!

Posted on August 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Every profession has its stress-points and problems, particularly in these uncertain times. Farming is no different. The price of grain rises and falls like the tide. News of French and Baltic wheat arriving at UK ports is enough to instantly remove £3/tonne from the wheat price. Likewise rumours of not enough rain in the Midwest of the US or extra demand from the Chinese can counteract this fall by the end of the trading day! Add to that the fact that we are harvesting crops planned in June 2012 and planted last September. The effects of the weather and idiot politicians since then play a part, and it becomes clear why there are so many anxious farmers at this time of year! However amid the dust and uncertainty of harvest appears something that, for me, immediately puts it all into context…

Some things in life are a nuisance,
Some things in life are a pain!
but none can be bettered,
Than a grandchild unfettered,
Sitting on a large heap of grain!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Baldock Bard

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Category Archives: Food