Eating Dust!

Posted on August 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I decided to harvest wheat rather than oats, the positioning of the fields made it easier. However I hadn’t reckoned on there being quite so much dust. So now we are racing through the wheat (as much as I can see through the clouds of dust!). I am not complaining as harvest is just the most wonderful time on a farm (when it’s going well!)…
I’ve been working all day in the dust,
My job description says I must!
If I were Andean I’d eat llama,
But here it’s dust because I’m a farmer!
Everyone else has air conditioning,
I don’t have it because of my positioning!
I’m in the store shovelling wheat,
And dust is all I have to eat!
So every trailer load I see,
Brings more dust just for me!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
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The Start of Harvest?

Posted on August 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather forecast is good and the crops are ripe. Despite the usual last-minute panic (on my part), it looks like there is a good chance that we’ll start harvesting today. Others have been at it for what seems like ages, however it’s not a race to be won (apart from against the weather!) as different areas have different ripening times. We farm heavy clay soil which retains moisture and so are later harvesters than chalk and sandy soils. So our countdown is nearly over…

We hope to get the combine out,
Later on today,
We’ll all dash around,
Like maniacs at play!
We hope that the sun will shine,
We hope it will be fine,
I think we may cut the oats,
with the green combine!
It happens every year,
We’re lucky in that way,
We can announce:
Harvest starts today!

Harvest Worries!

Posted on August 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Farmers have a nasty habit of panicking if they happen to see their neighbours out on the field. This affliction is particularly common at this time of year. The ‘I’ve just seen a combine’ phone call can send farmers dashing to look at their own crops, just in case they have missed something on their last panic viewing! On Saturday I was running the boot sale when I spotted the tell-tale plume of dust followed by the appearance of Paul and John Cherry’s combine…

The dust announces the neighbours are harvesting,
And sends me quickly into a spin,
While I am busy at the boot sale,
They are getting their harvest in!

I must go and inspect my crops,
Even though I know the score!
I dash down to the furthest field,
The oats are just as they were before!

But what if by chance we could get the wheat?
Other fields have to be seen!
When I look closer at the crop,
The straw and ears are still quite green!

So I slunk off back down to the boot sale,
“Where did you dash to,” they all say?
“Did that green combine get you going?”
“Nah!” I replied, “I’m not bothered today!”

My New Friend Dr Oz!

Posted on August 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night while driving back from hunter-gathering at a local takeaway, I started to sing along to the radio! When the DJ (or at least that’s what they used to call them!) returned, she asked if I’d been singing along. This frightened me and made me wonder if she also knew I’d been to fetch ‘forbidden fruit’. This morning I have a new and very important friend helping me to resist takeaways and possibly also cure my terrible in-car singing. Dr Oz has e-mailed me with some wonderful news. Indeed, so keen was he to pass on the good news that he arranged for several of his friends to e-mail me as well! No longer will I have to worry about being caught with a calorie-fest as his magic potion will sort it all out for me! So three cheers for Dr Oz and his remarkable cure…

According to Doctor Oz,
I’m putting on weight, because,
It’s all to do with my NCS,
(nothing to do with any excess!)
My brain’s been sending hunger signals,
My stomach finds comfort in tubes of Pringles!
He’s found an answer to all this trouble,
(No eating of brick or spoonful of rubble!)
I send him cash and very soon,
I’ll be thin enough to make a broomstick swoon.
In order to tempt me to make this count,
He’s offered me a large discount!
So sod the diet! Sod the fat!
I’ll sing in the car and not look a prat!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

Posted on July 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago there was a small girl who was frightened by a bear in the cartoon film ‘Ice Age’. In an attempt to pacify her, I told her and her sister that there were no bears in local supermarkets. The reason being that supermarket fish was not fresh enough and as we all know, bears only like fresh fish!
Last Friday, Mrs Bard caught three fresh salmon at our local butcher (Chapman & Sons, Baldock). They had journeyed down from Scotland overnight and were almost as fresh as if they had been caught in a local river. Their freshness reminded me of the post-script to the story (I’m sure I spied a bear in Chapman’s)…

Hannah and sister Sarah,
At a supermarket in the town,
Strode up to the fish counter,
And looked it up and down!

“Please mister tell us,
Have you have seen a bear,
Wandering round the store,
About this big with lots of hair?”

The man behind the counter,
Was somewhat taken aback:
“Of course we have no bears,
Or I would face the sack!”

“That’s a disappointment!
Borne out in the flesh,
Because it suggests to us,
That your fish is just not fresh!”

Wester Ross Salmon is available from Chapman’s the Butcher’s, High Street, Baldock. www.chapmansbutchers.com (01462 892359) along with other fine meats, fish, South African delicacies and groceries

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Great Quiche Thief!

Posted on July 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard made one of her famous quiches. Not long after it came out of the oven, we tasted a finger each (one of life’s great joys, tasting before serving!) It was a masterpiece, the consistency was perfect, the lardons adding a slightly smoky flavour, the pastry cooked to perfection and the tomatoes on top just sunken in enough to add the finishing touch. We could hardly wait for supper to dig into it again…

Our dog Mali is in disgrace,
I’m surprised that she dare show her face,
She may angelic seem to be,
But the devil can lie therein you see!
It would seem that she has discovered her niche,
By becoming an accomplished stealer of quiche!
She had been fed her usual meal,
But obviously a tad hungry still did feel,
And so while we had attention diverted,
She attacked the quiche quiet and furtive!
She left me feeling quite bereft,
Hardly a morsell had she left.
There she lay, a sorry sight,
Her quiche-filled stomach large and white.
The result of a dog eating like a horse…
We now wait for nature to take its course!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Matt’s Big Meal Out!

Posted on July 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was friend Matt’s birthday and wife Hazel was wondering where to take him for a special treat. In the end she decided to give him the option, leading to a choice nobody expected…

Matt has a birthday,
He has one each year,
I think he’s getting taller,
It’s how it would appear!
Now Matt is a handyman,
No job is too small,
He’s useful for those ‘reaching’ jobs,
Because he is so tall!
Hazel, on his birthday,
Offered him eats and fun,
He turned it down for a burger,
At McDonalds on the A1!

Happy Birthday Matt!
(Matt helps people with their homes in Cambs, Beds and Herts and can be found on 07725 007 454)

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Magical Cake Fairy!

Posted on July 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As you may have read in yesterday’s posting, (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=3546) we had a bad mechanical breakdown during hay-making. However the Cake Fairy was on hand and after a short break and some industrial-sized sustenance, the job was surrounded and came out with its hands in the air! Quite how I managed to repair such a complicated breakdown I shall never know, so I’m attributing my success to the Cake Fairy…

The Cake Fairy came to see,
What on earth was happening to me.
She looked at the baler with its broken knotter,
And decided to act (she’s quite the plotter!),
“Shut the doors,” she said to me,
“Go an have some cake and tea!
When you return to the job in hand,
It will seem much easier than you planned!”
I followed her instructions to the letter,
And yes indeed, I felt much better!
When I returned to the broken baler,
The mending job became a plain-sailer!
So if a job keeps you awake,
Listen to the fairy and have some cake!

Dedicated with enormous thanks to my two Cake Fairy’s, Gill and Sheila who always anticipate my cake-needs and are the finest cake-bakers in the land.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Beauty of Bovines!

Posted on June 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

If there is one group of farm animals that are eminently watchable but largely ignored in art, it is cattle. Horses and sheep have found their way onto canvas via the brushes of some very famous artists, but few pictures of cows have made it into the nation’s galleries. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting quietly on a sunny day, watch this most graceful of creatures. Conversely, given a cold damp morning as they line up for the milking parlour, their glamour is instantly replaced by mud and muck. However in a photograph this is soon forgotten…

In the Bovine Olympics
They’re having a race,
To see who can eat the most.

They hope that Mo Farah,
Don’t turn up with his ‘barrow’
And pip them all at the post!

They munch at the grass,
Rhythmically not fast,
You can tell that they’re engrossed!

It’s strange to concede,
That as you watch them feed,
They will feed you as a roast!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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A Match Made in Baldock!

Posted on June 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever discovered something that is a perfect, yet unlikely match? Maybe your meat-only best friend has discovered love with a vegetarian and somehow it just works? Or that horrible golf sweater that Aunty Florence gave you for Christmas ten years ago is suddenly all the rage at Glasto? No doubt the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind…

I have a new food craving,
It’s irritating, not a crime!
I dip a Cheeselet in Dairylea,
I do it all the time!
But when I am ‘in company’,
Mrs Bard shudders at the thought,
That I’ll be a Dairylea-dipping disaster,
More embarrassing than a wart!
So I’ve perfected a routine,
To hide this simple pleasure,
Some of each in a pocket,
So I can ‘dip-dip-dip’ at leisure!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food

Eating Dust!

The Start of Harvest?

Harvest Worries!

My New Friend Dr Oz!

The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

The Great Quiche Thief!

Matt’s Big Meal Out!

The Magical Cake Fairy!

The Beauty of Bovines!

A Match Made in Baldock!