Category Archives: Food

An Ordinary Saturday Night in Baldock!

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Golden Rickshaw BaldockMrs Bard and I had a very ordinary Saturday night in. Chinese takeaway with the latest Bond film on DVD. My assignment was to collect a top-secret package from Baldock and deliver it, still hot, to the table…

In the Golden Rickshaw in Baldock,
The counter-man stood there ‘real hard’,
In a deep voice he asked for my name,
I replied: “Bard,” (with a gap) “Baldock Bard!”

I left through the door with the package,
Checked both ways (so by the book!),
Missed by an inch by a white van,
I shot him (a real dirty look!).

By the bank just up the High Street,
A beauty offered poisoned-deep-Posset,
I pushed her into the Cashpoint,
Where she made a no-interest deposit!

Just outside Chapman’s the butchers,
I tackled a crafty Fu-Man-Chew,
I threw him back through the window,
And said “it’s been nice to meat you too!”

Further along by Days the Bakers,
A giant – steel teeth in his head.
I fought him off with some Rock Cakes,
Two donuts and some handy sliced bread.

Two baddies on bikes tried to chase me,
I reversed my car in a hurry.
They crashed through the window of the Lancer,
I presume they were after a curry!

I reached home with the takeaway still hot,
Mrs Bard watched me straighten my tie,
“Was it busy or quiet in Baldock?”
“Just the usual, quite quiet” said I!
P1090661Dedicated to Ailsa and Mark ‘Bond’ with thanks for the reminder that nobody does it better than 007!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Grandfather Bard and the Goats!

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ChevreI was granddaughter-sitting the other day when she became restless and started to cry. I knew her nappy (diaper for my American readers!) was dry/clean and she had recently been fed. So I put on a silly hat hoping it would help calm the situation. When that made no difference I resorted to marching up and down singing a made-up song. This went well until I ran out of intelligent lyrics and had to improvise as I sang. Needless to say, even though she’s just 5 months-old, my granddaughter is wondering if I am possibly not the best role model she could have…

Did you know that mountain goats,
Keep their cheese in the pockets of their coats?
Just in case one should fall,
They distribute the rounds amongst them all.
In case they find that they are hungry,
They carry biscuits and ironmongery.

Lowland goats are a different breed,
Go to the beach to collect seaweed!
They paddle in the rising tide,
Build sandcastles with stones inside!
Then with ice-cream (rhubarb and pomme!)
They go racing down the prom!

If you meet a goat on the London train,
Be polite and please refrain,
from asking “Could I have some cheese?”
Because a refusal may not please!
Just raise your hat and always respect her,
She’s probably hiding from the ticket inspector!
Goat TongueMountain goat picture found on QOOP.com

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Baldock’s Finest Butcher!

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Buy BritishWe’ve all heard the jokes, we’ve all seen the news reports. There is now nobody left on the planet that does not know that supermarkets have been caught with their trousers around their ankles. The supermarkets have been buying cheaper every year until the suppliers could no longer supply the required products at the price. Something had to give, so it is little surprise that horsemeat has appeared in processed food. There is only one way to guarantee quality and animal welfare standards: BUY LOCAL and BUY BRITISH…
Chapman AwardCongratulations to the Chapman family on winning the East of England award and Good Luck in the National Finals. 

Our local butcher has won an award,
They’re an East Anglian Champion winner!
They know just where their beef comes from,
So you’ll know what you’ve got for your dinner!
Chapman ShopThey source their supplies with great care,
Finding such meat is an art,
It means that the shopper,
is fed good and proper,
And there is no sign of a cart!

However…
Go to the impersonal supermarket,
They buy the cheapest from abroad.
Your lasagne dinner,
A Romanian race-winner
Profit their only award!
Cow and Horse© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Gill’s Magic Cake!

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Coffee Cake 1As regular readers will appreciate, I have one very large weakness – food! I seem to be tempted by food everywhere: on the street, in the car, even at the bakery! The other day I went on a shopping session with Mrs Bard and Mrs Rhos-Bardd. I’d hoped we’d do more eating than shopping…

I recently chauffeured Mrs Bard and a friend,
to St Albans for shopping (there was no-end!).
I had no cap but had a hunch,
that I’d be joining them both for lunch!
We ate at a restaurant that was Italian;
it was prime beef, not a hint of a stallion!
Then we continued in the shops
the excitement of shopping never stops!
St AlbansTK Max and baby clothes,
the pile of bags continually grows!
I portered them all to the car,
“Please can you stay just where you are?”
Misheard their reply that I mistook,
ended up browsing in New Look!
New Look 1Didn’t know where to alight my eyes,
the assistants looked with great surprise!
Found my shoppers at last, they both said:
“Why are your cheeks glowing so red?”
New Look 2In the car “I’m ready for tea!”
the answer came: “just wait and see!”
Went to the larder and despair,
cup of tea, no cake there!
Then a sight, my heart did quake,
Gill had sent a coffee cake!
“Oh what an Angel,” I had to shout!
She’d delivered while we’d been out.
Coffee Cake 2Word traveled fast by phone and text,
“They’ve got a cake, we’ll go there next!”
I tried to say it wasn’t fair,
But was told “shut-up and learn to share!”
So the coffee cake (Don’t blame me!)
Is now safely under lock and key!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The man who ate time!

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Clock DinnerHow many of you have ever complained about the passing of time? I know that I’ve used the unseen passing of time as an excuse for being late on occasions. Of all the verse I’ve written over the years, the ones I like the most have a large percentage of stupidity in them. I wrote this while considering the passing of time. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it…

A man I knew,
Ate a clock,
His only comment:
“Tick tock tick tock!”
When he was cross,
An angry pup,
His mum would say:
“You’re so wound up!”

Played rugby,
In the snow,
His position?
Second row!
He was ill,
Went to the Doc,
His stomach full,
“Eight O’clock!”

He bought a car,
In the Strand,
Wasn’t new:
Was second-hand!
At a bedside,
Sobbed non-stop,
Elderly relative:
Grandfather crock!

He took a girl,
On a date,
Didn’t last,
Five minutes late!
At the altar,
With his bride,
Time was not,
On his side!
At the divorce,
Things not fine,
She complained he,
Never gave her time!

Every hour,
Every day,
He would strike,
For better pay!
In the mornings,
On the farm,
Used to wake,
With alarm!

At the airport,
Bomb-disposal boys,
Someone reported,
A ticking noise!
In the street,
Been drinking scotch,
Passers by,
Didn’t stop to watch!

Went to a party,
Drank too much wine,
Tombstone reads:
Ran Out of Time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Prime Beef!

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Sun Findus CoverSo the great horsemeat saga continues to run with no sign of the finishing post in sight. Ministers call in supermarket bosses for a chat (they daren’t say too much for fear of a drop in donations to the party coffers) and more food is removed from sale. The simple fact remains: the only way to ensure what you are eating is what it claims to be and no animal cruelty is involved – Buy British. Otherwise you get what you pay for and a whole lot more…

The Findus Stakes have been cancelled,
At Market-Rasen and Newmarket too,
It won’t be seen at Ascot with the Queen,
I’ve got the runners, have you?
There’s tiger bread in the supermarket,
A zebra is crossing there too,
Would you eat a jumbo sausage,
If Findus sponsored a zoo?
Findus Lasagne© Baldock Bard 2013

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The Bard’s Dirty Little Secret!

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Days Bakers BaldockHave you a dirty little secret? Not something that harms others or is truly nasty but something that you just wish to keep to yourself! Perhaps you know someone else’s secret? Have you passed it on or are you content to keep it to yourself? There is a world of secrets out there…

I’ve a dirty little secret,
When I go to fetch the bread,
There in Days the Bakers,
A cream donut turns my head!

I am a simple man,
My weakness is well known,
And so I buy the donut,
To eat before I’m home!

They know me at the bakers,
They laugh and always say,
In a conspirital-type whisper:
“Want your usual again today?”
Dirty Little Secret© Baldock Bard 2013

To read the secrets of others try www.postsecret.com the most-read advert-free blog on the internet. Give it a try! (refreshed very Sunday – try it, it’s quite addictive!)

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Say Cheese!

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Countrycheeses1Discovering hidden treasures is one of the great joys when you visit a strange town or city. Last week we stayed with friends in Topsham near Exeter. I was absolutely bowled over by the variety of the displays in their cheese shop. Someone should start a campaign: “Stuff the Supermarket – Buy Local”. Country Cheeses would be an ideal place to start…

More cheese on display than you can conceive,
Visit Country Cheeses so you can believe!
Chemmy is named after our Downhill Skiing Queen,
Quicke’s Mature is not contrary but keen!
Sweet Charlotte is holey, but girlie she aint,
Cropwell Bishop is a Stilton, good enough for a Saint!
Ticklemore Goat will tickle you taste,
Pendragon buffalo is good for the waist!
All of these cheeses can be found on the net,
Visit their website: Tastes not to forget!
Countrycheees 2www.countrycheeses.co.uk

Please note:
Any mention of a company or website is simply because I have found them to offer a service or product that I believe my readers would be interested in using or buying. Recommendations are purely based on what I have discovered as a customer. B.B.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Problem Solving Toaster!

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Four Slice ToasterThe greatest of all comfort food, in my experience, is toast. It is versatile, nourishing and can be used at any time with any topping from meat to sweet! However everyone likes their toast toasted slightly differently: some like it just crisp whereas others like it almost cremated. There were differences in our household until we found the answer – a four-slice toaster with dual controls. I should have known better…

We bought a four-slice toaster,
With side-by-side dual controls.
It would cope with sliced or cut bread,
Bagels, Melba or rolls!

My side was set on a five-plus,
Mrs Bard’s just a tad over four.
The difference it made was enormous,
A ten out of ten was the score!

One day I rushed when it popped up,
To discover much to my shock.
One of my toasts was still white bread,
Whilst the other was as black as my sock!

We’d bought it on line at a discount,
Cheaper than our local store,
I e-mailed to ask about warrantee,
It had expired just two weeks before!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Golden Rabbit!

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Golden RabbitI love chocolate. However while shopping last week with Mrs Bard I noticed a rather large rabbit staring at me from the top shelf of a special Easter aisle. No matter where I looked it stared back at me with pleading eyes. It was only following a hefty kick in the shins that I was able to tear myself away from the purchasing opportunity…

The Chocolate Rabbit is after you,
It has fixed you with its eyes,
It stares down from the top shelf,
All children are hypnotized!

“Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
Look at me and you’re mine,
You can take me home and eat me!
Only Thirty-five ninety-nine!”

*N.B. The Lindt Gold Bunny is also available in many sizes at all leading supermarkets as is a large selection of Easter Eggs to suit every pocket or size of child (from 1 year to 99 and beyond – serving suggestion only).

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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