Category Archives: Food

Peter and Penny!

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Peter and PennyThere are not many visitors to the farm at this time of year. However, come the cold weather, we often get an influx of pigeons. Mainly ex-racers who have lost their way and decide that Baldock is quite a pleasant retirement home. They also find that the grain we feed them is tasty and an easier bet than looking for food in the hedgerows or woodland. We call them Peter or Penny as it’s easier to remember than some more classical names. However their presence comes with an occupational hazard…

Peter and Penny Pigeon,
Flying overhead,
Pooping down on passers by,
Target is the head!

So if you see them both,
And they prepare to fly,
You’d better wear a hat,
Or get one in the eye!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Surprise Recycling!

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It’s the time of year where a farmer’s thoughts turn to fertilizer! Some choose to ‘think inside the bag!’ and buy expensive man-made artificial fertilizer from UK factories or abroad. Others look to spreading an animal by-product from the farm, much to the chagrin of recently-arrived ‘villagers’. Others, without animals, and in an attempt to save money, use a much cheaper man-made by-product…

Driving along a country road,
You see a large lorry dumping a load,
It resembles a giant, slug-like heap,
Dumped in the middle of a field of wheat!
Later on you might see people roam,
Picking tomatoes to take back home!
If I were you, don’t consider them free,
I know what they’re grown in, just trust me!
Carry on eating, I’m afraid that you’re,
Picking recycled tomatoes from human manure!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Bard is a Pig!

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Sometimes when out, temptation is beyond endurance. One thing leads to another. Nose sniffs, brain registers, mouth salivates, stomach grumbles and food is ordered. Simple as that! I arrived home the other day and I was in trouble. Not through a blonde hair on my shoulder, stranger’s perfume on my coat or lipstick on my collar but the overriding waft of ‘Eau de Burger’ that followed me in through the door…

I was hungry,
Had to eat,
Spied a pub,
Down the street.

Walked right in,
Foodie smell,
Ordered burger,
Chips as well!

When it arrived,
Its size was great,
Very soon,
Empty plate!

Arrived home,
Wifely dig:
“Eaten out?
You’re just a pig!”
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Mrs Bard’s Whip!

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Whip!Mrs Bard spoils me and knows my weaknesses! When she fetched a giant whip out of the cupboard I thought I was in trouble! It turned out that it was a very sweet gesture, one I’m sure I hadn’t deserved…
Walnut Whip 1Mrs Bard bought me a treat,
A massive Walnut Whip to eat!
295grammes of pure pleasure,
For me to eat at my leisure!

Unwrapped the package, cried “Good grief!”
Was too big to fit between my teeth!
Cut in with a knife (made sure it fits),
It gave birth to mini whips!

Now it’s gone I hate myself,
Should have left it on the shelf!
The moral of this tale is clear,
Some things are larger than they appear!
Walnut Whip 2© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Christmas Carcass!

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According to the media, yesterday was ‘Frazzled Friday’. This was the day when holiday excess finally took its toll and reality dawned! Apparently too much rich food and the realization that there is little left in the bank led not only to Presidents cutting short their vacations but also had us mere mortals heading for the sofa and an ‘another chance to see’ programme on the box. Be a dear and pass the Rennies…

One in two Britons spent the day on the sofa,
Holding their stomachs and feeling hung-over!
More than 70 percent have had rellies to stay,
One day too long most of them say!
Grandma and the kids are the least favoured guest
While Grandad’s have been voted by all as the best!
64 percent of households will have seen lots of tears
Stoked by 65 units of alcohol or so it appears!
The average adult will have piled on 4 pounds,
And a third will have an overdraft worse than it sounds!
The turkey (now curried) bringing flatulence I fear,
We’re just about ready to celebrate the New Year!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Let’s Talk Turkey!

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Do you ever stop and consider where your food comes from? Even as a food producer my mind seldom wanders further than the packet on the shelf in the supermarket. We are blessed in this part of the UK with high-quality suppliers and producers. Sometimes we are even lucky enough to know exactly where our food comes from…

John and Sue farm near here
In the run-up to Christmas they disappear!
Not seen here not seen there
‘Plucking’ turkeys everywhere!
Out and about in all weathers
Sue’s seasonal hairstyle includes feathers!
“Let’s Talk Turkey!” is what they say
They’ll want peace come Christmas Day!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Thanksgiving!

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Today is Thanksgiving day in the United States. To non-Americans it seems to be a late celebration of a harvest 391 years ago. Rather like our Christmas they will be eating turkey but with the shops open! Being one who needs little excuse for a celebration with lots of eating, I like the idea. So Happy Thanksgiving to our American cousins…

Happy Thanksgiving Day
To all our friends in the USA
We have heard that you are cooking
A great big turkey, that’s good looking!

Then you’ll eat Pumpkin Pie
I really can’t imagine why!
The Pilgrims sailed to you from here
You celebrate their harvest every year

Three turkeys are given to the President
Two are pardoned one to the oven-sent!
Stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce
Vegetables and mashed potatoes of course!

You’re our first cousins from across the sea
We almost share a dictionary!
Many times we have cause to note
We’re just Americans who missed the boat!

Lay another place at the table, we’re on our way!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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A Solicitor’s Pie!

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Ailsa, my trusty solicitor, has a wicked sense of humour. Her idea of fun is to E-mail me pictures of food she knows I cannot resist. Her latest attempt to push me over the edge came in the form of her latest construction. Thanks to her bake-off with a friend I’m now salivating like a fire hydrant…

I was sitting quietly at my desk,
Doing nothing wrong, no chance of arrest.
When an E-mail arrived from my solicitor,
(she’s renown for being a hunger-facilitor!)

She’d been baking, I don’t know why,
And sent a picture of an exceptional pie!
The next picture was the one that broke,
A tasty inside to destroy a bloke.
Bacon and chicken with apricots,
Built for a man, not for tots!
The merest picture made me groan,
And from the mouth I began to foam!

This little trick is fading of course,
But leaves me wanting to eat a horse.
Thankfully I’ve got hidden stock,
Not of abstinence but a stick of rock!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Kebab!

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It would be hard to find a more maligned food than the humble kebab. It is the ‘ASBO-kid’ of take-away foods with an undeserved reputation of only being enjoyed by groups of lager-filled drunks before being regurgitated onto a pavement. There are many good kebab shops and Baldock is lucky to have one of the best…

I went down to Baldock
To buy a tasty kebab
I had food on my mind
Had failed in diet rehab!

It is quite sad
That they now know my order
Before I say a word
A dietary disorder!

The lady asks quietly
To maintain my sense of honour
I resisted temptation
And ordered a small donner!

When I got home
There was a surprised greeting
I’d order a salad too
In the name of healthy eating!

By the time I finished eating
It had got quite late
The dogs were disappointed
Nothing left upon my plate!
Dedicated to the ever-friendly staff at Papa’s Kebab House in Baldock

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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I as da Surprise!

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As someone who hates shopping in large supermarkets, I have an admission to make: I enjoyed shopping in ASDA in Stevenage yesterday! All the staff I met were friendly and helpful, something I haven’t found in the rival stores in their sector, where staff can be rude and disinterested. So often we are quick to complain yet reluctant to take time to praise. When we find something that is good or against the grain, we should make the effort. I was sufficiently impressed and surprised that I queued at Customer Service and got to write in ‘The Big Book of Comments’ and asked for the individual to be give a ‘Gold Star’…

Belinda at the deli was helpful and friendly
Despite being run off her feet
A glint in her eye while weighing pork pie
And her packing was ever so neat!

She treated us as if we were customers
Her smile didn’t waver or stall
When we went away she wished us ‘good day’
ASDA customer service for all!

So if you’re fed up with *****s
And *********s aren’t floating your boat
ASDA is good so support it you should
Their Stevenage store has got my vote!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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