Big in Veg!

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On a visit to a vegetable wholesaler this morning I noticed that a certain type of buyer inhabits the enormous warehouse at silly-o’clock in the mornings. Very knowledgeable, large (in both character and build), most helpful and nearly always with earth-stained hands. I call this breed ‘Big in Veg!’…

Mick is ‘Big in Veg’,
He knows all there is to know,
His cauliflowers and carrots,
Which variety’s you should grow.

He drives a dirty King-Cab,
If you look into the back,
There’s always a net of sprouts,
And potatoes by the sack.

You’ll see him at the wholesalers,
Before the clock strikes three,
Leaning on a pallet of veg,
Fist around a mug of tea!

Although he is ‘BIG’ in Veg,
He’s the first to give a hand,
Helping shift some sacks of greens,
Or help to load a van.

If you see Mick at the market,
Or down at ‘Ye Olde Horse and Hedge’,
Doesn’t matter who he’s with,
He’ll be talking about his veg!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Mobile Food Emporium

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Finding a mobile food supplier that is suitable for the car boot sale is not as easy as it may at first seem. Over the years some have arrived by design and some by accident or default. This year we are changing again, not through choice, but because the couple who have been with us for the last two years have become so popular elsewhere. We wish Elaine and Steve all the very best of luck, we shall miss them.

Steve and Elaine’s Mobile Food Emporium

In a lay-by outside Royston,
On the A505,
Elaine and Steve will fulfill your need,
If you’re hungry when you drive.

They used to do the boot sale,
Until October last,
But those in the know won’t let them go,
And lose their fine repast.

Their bacon roll’s the finest,
Their burgers are all fine too,
But the great surprise in their enterprise,
Is the salad they’ll make for you.

So if your tummy is rumbling,
It’s lunchtime once again,
Ignore the golden arches,
And head for Steve and Elaine.

© Baldock Bard
Just 4 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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The Three Mice and the Easter Egg!

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This is a story written for Easter. I’d like to dedicate it to Marsya, a wonderful and inspirational friend who is loved and cherished by all who know her. Happy Easter Mars.
The Three Mice and the Easter Eggs!

Once there were two brother mice and their sister who lived under the floorboards at Bard Towers, the home of Mr and Mrs Baldock Bard. Their names were: Greed E-ee-ee, Nose E-ee-ee and their sister Brain E-ee-ee (E-ee-ee simply means ‘Mouse’ according to the Mouse/English Dictionary and is usually shortened to a single ‘e’ after it’s primary use).
One day Nose E ran to find the others “Brothers,” he said, “She has come back from the shops, our harvest is here.”
Greed E, being extremely excited and keen on food said, “What’s she got, come on, tell us, what’s she got?”
Brain E simply sat quietly, deliberating on what goodies might be awaiting her.
“Well, I think it might be special eggs, because I heard Her tell Him to put the eggs in a safe place, but not one so safe that they’d be lost for months like last year,” said Nose E.
A couple of days later, despite a thorough search of the store cupboard, the top of the kitchen dresser (a place where wonderful delicacies had been discovered in the past) and even the cutlery drawer (reached by a perilous ascent of the rear face of the ‘Kitchen Units’), they were no closer in discovering the special hiding place.
Brain E suddenly spoke, an unusual event as she required many minutes quality thinking time before a speech and normally by the time this had been achieved the pronouncement was out of date and so not delivered.
“I think it’s in the Harry Potter Cupboard.”
The other two tut-tutted and did that little motion with their right arm against their heads which, in the male mouse world, suggested stupidity or girly thoughts.
Brain E spoke again, an occurrence so rare that they were stunned into silence,
“I’m sure it must be in the cupboard under the stairs, because when I was nibbling my way through The Order of the Phoenix in the bookshelf I spied Him sneakily open the cupboard, grab something, quickly unwrap it and pop it into his mouth. I think it could be big C!”
The utterance of the phrase ‘big C’ had now gained the full attention of the other two.
“Let’s go!” they squealed in excitement, “we must find big C, big C is good, big C is the baddest food in the neighbourhood, big C is yummy in our tummy,” and then like knights embarking on a quest shouted, “To the Potter Cupboard.”
Almost instantly this outcry was followed by a more subdued, “where did you say it was?”
By this time the use of so many words, a culmination of so much thought, had thoroughly exhausted Brain E and she was fast asleep.
After a nap and a light grooming session, Brain E was ready to lead the expedition to the Potter Cupboard. There was only one problem, because as a girl she’d never led an expedition before and as every decision had to be pondered upon, it was at least an hour before they set off.
When they finally arrived in the cupboard under the stairs they were faced with a large carrier bag.
“What does it say?” Nose E and Greed E asked in unison.
Brain E, being the only one who could read, looked up at the giant bag with the green writing.
“It says,” she hesitated as in her mind she looked at the letters W A I T R O S E, and in a rush, which surprised her, blurted out “it says we must wait.”
“How long?” said Greed E whose tummy rumblings could be heard from at least fifty feet away.
“It doesn’t say,” replied Brain E, “but as it’s written in English and we talk Mouse, it can’t apply to us and so perhaps…”
By this time she was talking to herself as the other two were already disappearing into the bag. By the time she joined them Greed E was tucking into a bag of Buttons, “Hey! Brain E, what do they put into these big C Buttons to make them so good?” he spluttered through a mouthful of chocolate. Nose E had his head inside a large chocolate egg and was testing the echo: “Hello-o-o, anyone there–there–there, it’s me-me-me ”. Brain E took a small morsel from the chewed opening into the egg and sat back to savour the taste.
Some time later they were sated and could eat no more and sat back to sleep off the effects of too much big C.
For the next few days they made frequent forays to the Potter Cupboard until one morning when the two boys suggested a return to gorge, Brain E shook her head, “there’s no point, I was in the bookcase this morning just starting on The Half-Blood Prince when He arrived and took the bag away, He was very cross and She shouted at Him.”
Her two brothers looked crestfallen. Greed E clutched his stomach and moaned, “I need big C, I shall starve, I need big C” before falling to the ground, beating the floor with his fists in a full-on tantrum (all the while taking sneaky looks at his sister to provide a magic answer). Nose E sulked a sulk so deep and powerful that his eyebrows arched like a bridge over a ravine and his lower lip stuck out beyond his long pointed nose.
Brain E was cross at their spoilt reaction, yet at the same time they were her brothers and even though she was supposed to be a member of the weaker sex, her mother had coached her well in the art of dealing with tantruming men.
“Alright,” she said, “Follow me, but you must do what I say, no matter how distracted you may be, do as I say, alright?”
They climbed down into the cupboard as before but she started to lead them towards the far corner.
Greed E stopped in his tracks, a smell of something so wonderful was pulling him and his brother back to where the bag had once been.
“Follow me to the big C,” shouted their sister.
“But it smells so wonderful, I must try it,” said Nose E.
Greed E’s stomach grumbled on full volume, “I must eat this wonderful meal,” he groaned, “why do you not let us, you are evil keeping us away from something so wonderful.”
Brain E rushed past them and stood in their way, “I shall swing for the first one who tries to pass me,” she said holding up her minute hands. Greed E made a rush to get past her, her foot moved at lightening speed to trip him and he fell against an old golf club that knocked the wind out of him. When he could speak he turned to his brother, “she hit me, knocked me out cold, why didn’t you stop her?”
His brother Nose E screwed up his eyes in concentration just as Brain E kicked out towards an old umbrella which fell on top of him, pinning him to the floor.
“Right,” she said firmly, “follow me!” and she led them back to the far corner where an enormous Easter Egg was hidden behind an old newspaper.
When they had eaten their way through a sizeable chunk of the egg she suddenly hushed them.
“Come on, we must go before we’re caught.”
They were now so afraid of her that they followed.
As the two brothers were halfway up the electric wire that led back to the upstairs they heard a scream from in front of them, they stopped.
“That sounded like Brain E,” said Nose E.
“Perhaps it’s a trap?” said Greed E.
A strange voice echoed down from above.
“Come on up boys!”
When they climbed out of the hole from the cupboard the two mice were confronted by the sight of their sister pinned down by two large mice while another was biting her tail.
“Well hello boys!” said the large mouse still holding their sister’s bleeding tail, “so good of you to join us, now if you’ll tell us where the big C is hidden, you can all be on your way.”
“Over my dead body!” said Nose E.
“That’s right,” said his brother.
“Wrong,” said the big mouse, a sneer unfolding on his face, “over your sister’s dead body,” and with that he lashed out with a claw and a line of blood appeared on her face. “Now I’ll ask again, where is the big C, it’s no use lying as I can smell it on your sisters fingers.”
The two brothers said at once, “it’s down there, behind the newspaper in the corner, it’s wonderful and plenty of it!”
“There’d better be or we’ll be back,” said the cruel mouse, “come on you two, we have chocolate to eat,” and in a flash they were off down to the cupboard.
“They’ll not be back,” said Brain E gently rubbing the blood away from her face, “let’s watch.”
By the time they reached the hole and peered over the edge the three other mice had reached the floor. At the same place where Greed E and Nose E had smelt the wonderful smell they watched the three stop in their tracks, turn and as if mesmerised, begin to walk in the opposite direction to the big egg.
“five, four, three, two, one” said Brain E, the other’s looking at her with puzzled looks on their faces.

SNAP!

“What was that?” said Greed E and Nose E together.
“Little Nipper and Peanut Butter!” said their sister as she got up and walked away.

© Baldock Bard
Just 6 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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Delights of a Drive-thru!

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Some time ago i was driving down the motorway, tummy rumbling and hungry enough to start chewing on the steering wheel. Finally I could take it no more and had to eat something, if only to silence my vocal stomach. On biting into the burger some of the mayo/sauce spilt down my shirt and had to attempt to clean myself up. Having expanded the affected area by at least 100% I realised that the tissues had as much absorbency as cling-film and gave up, resigning myself to an inquisition regarding the breaking of my diet when I reached home. This set me thinking and here are those thoughts, I hope you enjoy them…


Confessions from a Drive-thru!

On way to meeting.
Stomach gurgles due to absence of breakfast from day’s schedule.
Roadside sign excites hypnotic voice in head:
“Quick Easy Tasty Burger Must Eat NOW!
Join queue behind yellow base-thumping youth-mobile.
Charcoal grill fumes register in brain as exotic barbecue.
Taste buds find overdrive.
Photos on menu board look positively gastronomic,
Taste buds now in hyper-drive.
Grey box on stalk issues undecipherable instructions.
Attempt to order, “Err… I’ll have err..”
Study board again, normal cerebral activity overtaken by indecisiveness.
In haste choose first item on list.
“Err… One big err… mega burger meal with err…fries and um… cola.”
Box squawks.
Don’t understand answer.
Follow drum and base to second window.
Pray order understood.
Mini patio doors open, acne-stained youth mumbles:
“Mega burger fries wiv cola eight seventy-seven.”
Grope for change in pocket hindered by seat belt.
Exchange cash for drink.
No cup holder therefore nestle ice-cold drink between legs.
Brown paper bag thrust through window.
“Enjoy your meal,” grunted as window closes.
Drive to parking space with numb inner thighs.
Open bag with anticipation.
First bite splurges mayonnaise onto tie and shirt.
Fries cold, freezing drink invades dental cavity.
Hands & chin ingest burger-juice.
Non-absorbent napkin smears face and hands.
Stuff remains into brown bag.
No litterbins, throw bag into passenger foot well.
Smell becomes unwanted companion.
Arrive late at meeting.
Dash to toilet to wash.
Soap dispenser empty.
Enter meeting.
Everyone turns to look as burger-odour walks in first.
I follow, wet patch between legs still evident.
Mutter apologies.
Eyes behold mound of sandwiches on table.
Burger growls in stomach while taking on size of seven-course meal.
Try to concentrate on agenda.
Focus instead on restraining bodily gasses.
Smell of burger only contribution to assembly.
Meeting finally closes.
Hurried departure formalities.
Ignore lift, rush to stairwell to vent pressure from rectum.
Noise amplified throughout building.
Return to lift, boss looks puzzled.
“err…Forgotten my err… notes.”
Take odorous stairs down to car park
Drive away in car that still smells of burger
Swear never to repeat experience
Repeat the following week

© Baldock Bard
Just 9 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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