Oats 2 Go!

Posted on December 23, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning we had an unexpected visitor to the farm. The mill that were expecting a load of oats on the 28th of this month rang to see if they could be collected earlier. This means that I can extend my holiday laziness for another few days after Christmas. I was so excited abut this prospect that I made a mess of loading the lorry…

Christmas holidays are almost here,
Santa Claus will appear,
I hope he isn’t in a rush,
what I need is a shovel and brush!
I loaded the lorry with such care,
didn’t want oats everywhere,
until the final bucket load,
I spilt them all across the road!
When the truck had left the farm,
I fetched the broom from the barn,
unfortunately it had bristles few,
I’d thought it would last ’till harvest new!
Then I heard a honking noise,
up came the geese, girls and boys!
much subdued, normally surly,
Santa, for them, had come early!

If I don’t see you before Sunday may I wish you a very happy Christmas. I hope Santa brings you all you desire and that you enjoy the day with those you love. BB

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Shovelling Oats!

Posted on December 22, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I spent an hour shovelling oats ready for loading between Christmas and the New Year. The dust and seeds blew about the bin and soon I looked like ‘The Thing From The Oat Lagoon’. What was disconcerting was the amount that ended inside my overalls. I had also found it uncomfortable to sit throughout the day and it was only when I undressed for the bath that I discovered the reason….

Oats, oats, glorious oats!
Perfect for feeding,
People and goats,
Perfect for breakfast,
Or in cakes for your tea,
The versatile cereal,
Grown here by me!
But when you undress,
for hot bath ‘cos you smell,
Then you discover,
Oats in your socks (and pants as well!)

Have a great day and avoid that uncomfortable ‘Rogue Oat Feeling!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Slow Goose-Step!

Posted on December 12, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Our guard-geese are behaving strangely again! Yesterday they attempted to impede a friends progress down the drive, which she filmed and posted. A comment suggested that it was because they were in no hurry to get to the farm because of the impending Christmas. I would suggest it’s because they are old, tough and awkward…

Christmas is coming,
the geese don’t give a damn,
they know they’re too tough,
and we’ll be eating ham!
They hold up the traffic,
on the drive to the farm,
they’re on a goose go-slow,
no sense of alarm.
After Christmas,
they’ll still act loud and shirty,
thanking their god,
they’re geese and not turkey!

With thanks to Dolly’s mummy for the picture and inspiration!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Ploughing Match

Posted on October 24, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

These days farmers have a choice of cultivation methods to choose from. There’s No-Till where seeds are planted by the drill into stubble, Min-Till where only light cultivations precede the drill and finally the traditional Plough-cultivate-drill. The plough is now seldom seen in action on the farm. It’s expensive in both wearing parts, fuel and most of all, time. Ironically I’ve done more ploughing this year than ever before, but then, what do I know about anything? The skill of ploughing is maintained by the countryside’s hidden sport of the Ploughing Match. Friend Ian took along his vintage crawler tractor and plough (my plough stayed at home so I didn’t advertise my lack of skill!)…

The art of the ploughman is kept alive,
when to the ploughing match tractors arrive.
They plough an opening furrow long and straight,
this is then judged a nerve-wracking wait.
Then off to the neighbour’s furrow in with the plough,
and slowly start ploughing, is it level now?
Adjustments are made to furrow, width and pitch,
concentrate now and stop before ditch!
The last furrow should match up well with your first,
then it’s off to the beer tent to satisfy your thirst!

With thanks to Ian and Charlotte for the photo, and best of luck to the winners who go onto the next level. I shall return to my plough and pretend I have the skill.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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An Old Friend!

Posted on October 19, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever spotted an old friend and walked on by knowing it wouldn’t work out? I was in our local supermarket when, tucked away in the corner of a shelf outnumbered by more famous and larger brands, was a very old friend. However times have changed and I had to ignore…

I passed an old friend in the aisle,
the memories we shared made me smile.
We’d meet in the mornings long ago,
when I was a lad yet to grow!
But then you went out of my life,
I had two kids and a wife,
I can’t return to that crunchy delight,
with my dentures it wouldn’t be right!

I never knew where the name ‘Grape-Nuts’ came from as they included neither! Where did the hen and chicks on the packet go? Thanks for the memory!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Gulls Canteen!

Posted on October 13, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I don’t think I have ever seen so many gulls following the plough as I did yesterday. If I didn’t have to look forward to keep the wheels in the furrow I could watch them for hours. It is my excuse for a crooked furrow and I’m sticking to it…

There’s no orderly queue at the seagulls canteen,
it’s the most disorderly chaos you’ve ever seen!
They’re swooping and pooping – unbelievably rude!
there’s no decorum when they’re looking for food!
Finally just to show they’ve finished their meal,
they bomb the tractor to let you know how they feel!

…and I had run out of windscreen wash!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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We Ploughed The Fields…

Posted on October 11, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, while waiting for the vicar to turn up at a primary school Harvest Festival, I re-wrote the words to the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ Post-Brexit it is possibly worth another try, so here goes…

We ploughed the fields and scattered,
with help from the EEC,
but now that we’re post-Brexit,
I’d better lobby my MP.

In Wales they’ll send inspectors,
to go and count the sheep,
don’t worry boys after twenty minutes,
they’ll be fast asleep!

All good grants around us,
will be cut without restrain,
they can’t cut,
no if nor but,
our soft refreshing rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Birthday Party!

Posted on October 10, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday the garden echoed to shrieks of joy from twenty-five pirates and princesses at my granddaughters fourth birthday party. What a wonderful sound, it is surely the greatest reward for a garden to be a place of innocent pleasure at an innocent age. I’m only sorry that the temperature wasn’t slightly warmer for the adults who bravely stood around while their charges rushed about and didn’t notice the slight chill…

Birthday parties haven’t changed much,
since when I was young,
children rush around the garden,
shouting and having fun!
Then the sandwiches appear,
squash at table places,
the birthday cake is passed around,
leaving creamy icing faces!
It’s back on the bouncy castle,
more time to rush around,
before young heads begin to droop,
tired and exhausted, home-bound!

Pirates and princesses reach their homes,
remember, just four years old,
They seek their beds without complaint,
without even being told!
…and so did an elderly ‘Bard-Pirate!’ (having been told off by a certain four-year-old for not dressing up enough!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Farmer’s Wife!

Posted on October 7, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of year farmer’s nerves are frayed, tempers are short and backsides sore from hours spent in a bumpy tractor seat. However there is one life-saving member of the team who is unseen, un-thanked and generally un-waged – it is the Farmer’s wife. Without her the autumn cultivations, and much more, would fall apart…

Mrs Bard’s day isn’t going to plan,
delivers lunch to her old man,
then it’s off to fetch spare parts,
there’s no time to bake jam tarts!
Very soon it’s time for tea,
out to the field to a grumpy ‘He’.
Late at night in darkness now,
a tired grumpy man arrives for ‘chow’.
Dust-fill nostrils make him snore,
then it’s up with the lark
…it starts once more!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Patient Terrier!

Posted on September 21, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Our terrier is on a mission. She rushes around the house and then spends hours inspecting the skirting boards with the intensity of a hungry hound watching a tin of dog food being opened. We have tried everything except for counseling, perhaps it’s time…

Is there a rat in the kitchen?
or could it be a mouse?
our dog is going crazy,
rushing around the house!
It sits gazing at walls for hours,
playing a waiting game,
I wish it would catch just one,
perhaps that’s not her aim?

We were so concerned,
we took her to the vet,
“This terrier is normal,
no remedy discovered yet!”

In the Baldock Bard tomorrow: The cat that sings out of tune!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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April – October 2016
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Food

Oats 2 Go!

Shovelling Oats!

The Slow Goose-Step!

The Ploughing Match

An Old Friend!

The Gulls Canteen!

We Ploughed The Fields…

The Birthday Party!

The Farmer’s Wife!

The Patient Terrier!