The Wonder of Drones!

Posted on February 8, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Hardly a day goes by at the moment when the ‘Wonder of Drones’ isn’t trumpeted by the media. Whether it is delivering relief supplies after a disaster, crop spraying difficult to reach areas of fields or even acting as a personal transport system, the drone is heralded as the answer of the future. As a result I have given my UAV a talking to as it didn’t seem to be pulling its weight…

I sat my drone down for a chat,
“Now listen here I said,”
it’s time that you pulled your weight,
and earned your daily bread!”

So I gave it just a small list to do,
“Go overfly that crop,”
and a few things that I wanted,
from the local convenience shop!

“Then there’s this parcel,
I need to post today,
call in on Aunty Mabel,
and check that she’s OK!”

Later I couldn’t find my drone,
wasn’t hidden in the trees,
but sulking at the take-off point,
I’d forgotten to say please!

Needless to say my trusty drone obeys my every command and is my right-hand-mavic on the farm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Difficult Field!

Posted on September 9, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Ploughing is all about straight furrows (or so says the book I am reading in an attempt to improve). This is relatively easy until you come to circumnavigate an electric pole or pond in the middle of a field…

Whoever decided the shapes of the fields,
certainly didn’t think of the plough,
as this one seen from my drone,
is the one we’re ploughing now!
Seventeen corners six electric poles,
then you throw in a pond,
I can’t even ask anyone anymore,
it’s designer’s in the ‘Land of Beyond!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
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T’was The Night Before Harvest!

Posted on August 9, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Despite a carefully planned run-up to harvest, the smallest thing can ruin preparations. Everything is ready and a tiny sensor, connected to the mainframe computer of the combine, decides to say ‘NO!’ There is little you can do but admire a glorious sunset. As they say ‘Tomorrow is Another Day!’…

Twas the night before harvest and all across the farm,
most things were ready, no sense of alarm;
The tractors were fuelled-up and all set to go,
Barns have been swept, brushed to and fro.
But what is this? Something’s not right,
Broken sensor for the combine, “From Germany overnight?”
So wait for the morning when all will be smart,
After a hiccup by computer, our harvest should start!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Parking with Mrs Smith!

Posted on June 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Very often on the Internet you see pictures of atrocious parking. I thought these were confined to ‘abroad’ and to the USA in particular. Until yesterday, when I drove into my own home town to be confronted by a home-grown version of extreme parking. So shocked was I that I just had to comment…

Mrs Smith has trouble parking,
some suggest that she is barking!
She approaches the space so fast you see,
one might think she drives a large lo-rr-y!

With squealing tyres she slides right in,
been known to use a litter bin,
to halt her progress as she goes,
and save pedestrians delicate toes!

Other drivers avoid her face,
when she is looking for a parking space,
most just turn and drive away,
don’t want to lose no-claims today!

She’s been rumbled by the council,
“Do you think you’re Nigel Mansell?”
one day soon there’ll be a fuss,
“Might it be time to take the bus?”

With apologies to any ‘Mrs Smith’ who may drive a red car, I use the name in a generic way and not about you or your gender.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Stage Coach!

Posted on September 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I watched a gaggle of elderly ladies board a coach. I was expecting a quiet and genteel scene befitting of their advancing years. However when I considered the scene my thoughts went from almost pity to admiration. Here was a group leading the fight against the inevitable wing-backed chair in front of the over-loud television. They were seeing things, doing things and providing a vanguard for the future us…

Ethel along with her sister Flo,
Board a coach and off they go!
Today ‘Castles and Mountains’ it may be,
Tomorrow across the Irish sea!
They always try to book with Stan,
Because they say, “He’s such a nice man!”
When they arrive at the latest attraction,
It comforting to have the same reaction!
“Be back in an hour,” Stan will agree,
There’s time for the gift shop, time for tea.
When full of youth it was a treat,
To rush with your friends to bag the back seat!
Now in ‘Golden Years’, their pace is slow,
Right up front they like to go!
Out come the needles and with a tit, tit, tit,
Aged fingers on auto-knit!
Grand-nephews and nieces with silent oaths,
Unwrap with horror coach-made clothes!

One day soon they’ll be tied to a chair,
There’ll be no time to sit and stare,
They’ll spend their days and entertain,
With stories from the road again!
So neither sad nor sorry be,
The coach keeps them mobile and full of tea!

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9-11 An Unforgettable Moment in Time

Posted on September 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Can you remember where you were on 9-11? Mrs Bard was collecting our daughter from school (it was mid-afternoon in the UK) and my son, David, called me from my office: “come and see these pictures of an plane hitting one of the Twin Towers in New York”. I reached the sitting room just in time to see the second plane, behind the Sky correspondents back, turn and make it’s way into the second tower.
The picture above was recently posted on Reddit with the caption: ‘The final picture of my cousin Gary – taken on September 11, 2001’.
That week (September 14^th 2001) I published the following verse in the local paper. How well it fits the photo…

Dedicated to Emergency Crews around the world and all those who have sacrificed their lives in the call of duty to save others.

They walk towards danger,
When we run away.
They answer our calls,
Both by night and by day.
Whether Moslem or Christian,
Doesn’t matter to them.
They’d risk their lives,
Then do it again.
How do we thank them,
For the risks that they take?
Cost cutting measures,
Small savings to make.
After events in New York,
What have we learned?
To value them all,
Give them the credit they’ve earned.

All efforts have been made to trace the copyright holder of the photo without success.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Cat and the Tortoise

Posted on April 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I wrote this many years ago for a friend who was bravely fighting a serious illness. Her kitchen was almost unique in that she and her family shared it with no less than four tortoises and (I think!) three cats. I had completely forgotten about the verse until I came across it by accident in a dusty file hidden at the very back of my hard drive along with some pictures of me as a baby (no I’m not sharing them!), a very early e-mail and a rather furry wine gum of indeterminate age. So this was written for Sandy, I hope you like it…

The Cat and the Tortoise

The tortoise and cat were having a chat
As they lay on the kitchen floor
“What is it that you think as a cat?
And why is it you always snore?”
The cat replied, “It can’t be denied
Food is at the forefront of thought
But when I have eaten my resolve is just beaten
And a nap is needed – just short!”

The tortoise looked sad and said it was bad
“You know people always compare
Me in a race it’s such a disgrace
It’s always won by the hare!”
“You have your fur and at least you can purr
I only grunt, snort and sigh
I shuffle around close to the ground
With a shell that looks like a pie!”

The cat was surprised that the tortoise replied
In the way that he had just done
(He’d always admired how they were attired
And the way that they needn’t run!)
He stretched out his paw (not extending a claw)
And purred the way cats can do
“I suppose in the end you just need a friend
And I’ll be that friend to you”.

© Baldock Bard
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Arthur, June and Rover: Highway Ode 4

Posted on March 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Since the demise of the Rover car company in the UK, there has been nothing to replace it as the car maker of choice for the discontented elderly driver. There are suggestions that maybe Honda has come close, but they are altogether a more reliable and sensible car and therefore not first choice for the Arthur’s of this world. Any advice on the subject would be gratefully received…

Arthur drives a Rover,
Trilby hat upon his head,
driving gloves and car coat,
his cheeks are glowing red.

He sits in the middle lane
at fifty-five no more,
“It wasn’t like this when I was young,
just before the war.”

He shouts at other drivers,
quite often he’s obscene,
“I pay my tax, I pay my rates,
I sing ‘God save the Queen.'”

June sits there beside him,
she never makes a fuss,
in a year or so his licence will go,
she’ll happily take the bus!

Waiting at the Lights: Highway Ode 3

Posted on March 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was driving in a local town when I saw a ‘girly car’ stopped at the traffic lights. The driver was applying lipstick using the interior mirror while she waited for the lights to change. This reminded me that some time ago I wrote a verse that possibly conjured up such a scene…

Anne-Marie ponders
The state of her nails
And how to attract some predatory males
She uses the mirror
Because it is there
For applying her lippy and checking her hair
She wriggles her skirt
Repositions her top
Her boss will be panting and sweating non-stop
She knows other drivers
Are watching her preen
They’re welcome to look but if they touch she will scream

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Stay In Touch!

Posted on March 7, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder how many of you have met somebody (or a couple) on holiday and used the phrase ‘we must stay in touch‘?

Later, when memories of the vacation are best summed up by the tatty guidebook on a car boot sale stall, have you lived to regret those words spoken on a foreign beach?
I realise that some acquaintances made on holiday can become friends for life, however some don’t……..

We met them on a beach
And realised we had something in common
They were married
(So were we!)
They came from near London
(So did we!)
They were on holiday
(So were we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We met them the next day
They had two children
(So did we!)
They both worked
(So did we!)
They liked eating out
(So did we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We met them on the flight home
They enjoyed the meal
(So did we!)
They had bought souvenirs for their children
(So had we!)
They had enjoyed their holiday
(So had we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We had them round for dinner
After they’d rung six times!
He was a bore
She was worse
The holiday was prominent in conversation
Or rather the only mutual topic
And as they left we said
“We must stay in touch!”

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: General Life Observations Archive

The Wonder of Drones!

The Difficult Field!

T’was The Night Before Harvest!

Parking with Mrs Smith!

Stage Coach!

9-11 An Unforgettable Moment in Time

The Cat and the Tortoise

The Cat and the Tortoise

Arthur, June and Rover: Highway Ode 4

Waiting at the Lights: Highway Ode 3

Stay In Touch!

I wonder how many of you have met somebody (or a couple) on holiday and used the phrase ‘we must stay in touch‘?