Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Breakdown Day!

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plough-wheelYesterday I had a puncture in the plough. Sensing that the words ‘plough’ and ‘puncture’ are hardly ever used in the same sentence, I thought this was a unique opportunity for a verse. So while I was sitting at the tyre depot awaiting a new tyre I set about writing this…

The old men on the farm
Would have seen the joke
In this technological world
this farmer’s plough wheel’s broke!

“You say your cab is hot
Yet you have air conditioning?
We walked behind a horse
If it farted we changed positioning!”

“A puncture in the plough?
On the adjustable-depth wheel?
No problem in our day
As ours was made of steel”

“So many things have changed
Your world we cannot understand
But one thing we have in common 
You can always expect the unplanned!”

Later yesterday evening there was a sudden clonking noise from the tractor front axle. It sounded very expensive as I drove very carefully back to the farm. I await the engineers! It would seem that breakdowns only occur when you are busy, nothing ever broke while parked doing nothing in the shed during the winter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Ye Olde England Roads!

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lorriesYesterday I drove to Newark to collect an aged relative. Virtually the whole journey was on the A1 trunk road and the majority of this was just two-lane dual carriageway. A short stretch, near Peterborough, widened to four-lane. Updating the A1 has been ignored for many years, leading to irritation and frustration…

I come to a hill and there up front,
a dual between two trucks,
both are crawling at fifty-five,
this A1 road just sucks.

The traffic builds up behind them,
in my mirror show,
There should have been another lane,
over twenty years ago.

One is hauling local grain,
the other from Timbuktu,
In the distance I see flashing lights,
an ambulance is held up too.

It’s too late to change the road,
no hope for improvement now,
anti-everything environmentalists
and no European cash-cow!

In years to come visitors to this country will use the term ‘quaint’ to describe our roads. On holiday, holdups give them a greater view of ‘Ye Olde England’ from their coach window.The frustration of professional hauliers and drivers is unsurprising.

*The picture was taken by my dash-cam, no children or animals were used in the staging of this photo.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Clean Sweep!

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SweepOn one of the warmest summer days I awarded myself the job of sweeping out bins of wheat to transfer next door to the large barn in preparation for movement by haulier. It’s one those jobs that you can’t wait to get done, the reward at the end spurs you on to greater effort…

Sweeping wheat out of the bin
on a very hot day what a state you’re in!
Wearing a mask is a must,
to save your lungs from choking dust!
At last you find the bin is clear,
hair is itchy with chaff I fear.
It’s down my back, my neck itches,
shouldn’t wear shorts should wear britches!
Soon be time (please don’t laugh!),
to plunge myself into a welcome bath.
When I get out “I’m clean” I boast,
better clean the bath or I’ll be toast!
Really no need to act so smug,
as grains of wheat go down the plug!
The bath is clean, no more smear,

…I think it’s time 
FOR A POST-SWEEPING BEER!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Mechanic’s Hand!

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NutYesterday I spent over half an hour attempting to put a nut on a bolt in a very small space on the plough. When done in the factory it must have been a very different matter or one man would have continually held up the production line. In the end I managed to squeeze my little finger in from the other end and achieve some turns with a spanner. It set me thinking…

I need an eye on the end of this finger,
a spanner on the next,
a pneumatic gun,
on the end of my thumb,
and I wouldn’t be so vexed!

Mending a plough isn’t easy,
more bolts than an unruly horse,
if there were fewer,
the air less bluer,
It would be too easy of course!

I just pray that I don’t break the plough in the same place today. If I do, I’ll attempt to train a spider to do up that nut – could be interesting! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Drain Dilemmas!

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DrainsI sometimes wish I lived in a new-build house on an estate in a town. Yesterday was one such day. I wonder if you simply ‘Flush and Forget’? The contents of the toilet magically whisked away, out of sight and out of mind to a public facility beyond the range of view and smell. Unfortunately mains drainage (like fast broadband) has yet to reach this outpost of civilisation, just 35 miles north of Marble Arch in London. When there is a problem, out come the draining rods…

I lift the lid,
the problem is clear,
there’s no movement it would appear.
I assemble the rods,
each measures a yard,
locate the outlet that’s what’s hard.
Because the drain,
itself is full,
I’ll have to push as opposed to pull.
An hour of pushing,
this splattering smell,
Please someone release me from this hell!
Then all of a sudden,
a belching sound,
the obstruction has moved way underground.
There’s a satisfaction
no town-dweller knows,
when the smelly stuff suddenly flows!

“Fill the bath, flush the loo”
I shout to my daughter,
At last the sight of clean flowing water!

An hour later the problem is forgotten and my thoughts of a modern house with public sewage works fade back into the deep recesses of my mind, ready for the next time!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Table Turns!

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Euro Medals RioNow the Games are over in Rio it is back to ‘business as normal’. At some stage the post-Brexit talks will begin and our negotiators will have to be in gold-medal form to beat those who would see us marginalised. Perhaps they should put the above aide-memoire into their pockets just to spur them on at vital moments…

When in a negotiating stance,
With Euro nations (including France!)
The Brexiteers must show much care.
As they sit across the table,
Aloof they should be able,
To look across the divide and be aware,
that despite what others say,
If we have our way,
Show we are a nation that is nearly always fair,
But if they come over ‘continental’
and drive us all quite mental,
We should get out this little chart and compare,
How it was down in Rio,
with water sports we show no fear-o!
And thank heavens the dividing Channel is still there!

With congratulations to all our athletes who made us proud and left the door ajar to prove that we might, just might, be a stronger nation now.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Captured by Dashcam!

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Carcam1Have you ever invested in technology only to find it has a nasty vindictive streak? Like millions of others, we are proud owners of a dashcam. This cheeky little devil sits attached to the windscreen and records hour upon hour of road just in case you need the evidence for a future insurance claim. However this must-buy recorder has a nasty side…

Last Saturday morning,
just after 4.30,
a desperate phone call,
“you should be alerty,
the gate is still locked,
we’re parked on the road,
can you let us in,
to your bootsale abode?”

I grabbed the car keys,
How could I be late?
I’d forgotten to unlock,
the ‘effin green gate!
Later I remembered,
the camera-stored file,
no escaping my guilt,
until ‘delete’ in a while!

Have a great weekend and if you’re coming to the bootsale rest assured that the gate is well and truly open!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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T’was The Night Before Harvest!

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Harvest SkyDespite a carefully planned run-up to harvest, the smallest thing can ruin preparations. Everything is ready and a tiny sensor, connected to the mainframe computer of the combine, decides to say ‘NO!’ There is little you can do but admire a glorious sunset. As they say ‘Tomorrow is Another Day!’…

Twas the night before harvest and all across the farm,
most things were ready, no sense of alarm;
The tractors were fuelled-up and all set to go,
Barns have been swept, brushed to and fro.
But what is this? Something’s not right,
Broken sensor for the combine, “From Germany overnight?”
So wait for the morning when all will be smart,
After a hiccup by computer, our harvest should start!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The i-Share Moment!

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VanHave you ever come across a situation that merits your immediate attention? Was your first thought to whip out your mobile phone and stand in the middle of the road to record the scene without thought for your safety or that of passers-by? In the past I’ve been very rude about amateur i-Film news cameramen. I’m now officially a hypocrite…

Outside an ATM,
a security van was wailing,
“Help! Help!
Security Vehicle under attack,
Please call the police!”
in a computer-generated voice.
But you know how vans can be,
when they are hot and thirsty!
I could see nothing wrong,
the sticker on the back said:
‘Police Follow This Van’
So there was no point in calling them,
as they were already there!
I did what anyone would do these days:
took out my i-Phone,
and made an ‘i-saw-it-and-Filmed it!’
It was only afterwards that I thought,
‘What if it was for real?’
And somebody was in the back of the van
Stuffing money into bags marked ‘Swag’,
Whilst wearing a small black mask,
And a striped jersey.
But all I did was continue,
shopping while congratulating myself,
on some amusing footage,
all the while forgetting the time,
when I condemned those who can’t resist,
whipping out their phone to record the moment.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Fishing Freddie and the Heat!

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Baking BaldockYesterday in Baldock the temperature rose to 32 degrees Centigrade. On a trip to the town I ran into ‘Fishing Freddie’ a retired machinist whose passion is to sit by a lake, rod in hand and grumble. Unfortunately the heat had driven him into the town…

If you meet Fishing Freddie,
be prepared, you must get ready,
everything in his life is bad,
except fishing, it drives you mad!
I mistakenly asked if he were well,
“Bad ankle and back’s giving me hell!”
His biggest moan was about the heat,
Gold star complaining you couldn’t beat.
Only last month he was complaining,
“Bloody weather, always raining!”
Eventually I had to get away,
knew he’d have the final say:
“Down the lake there’s a moratorium,
hotter than a damn crematorium,
never known it before in my life,
better go home, spend time with the wife!”

Enjoy a wonderful day in the sunshine, you never know what tomorrow might bring! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

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