Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

I’m Not An Engineer!

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Pipe RepairIt looked like a simple job. A warning light on the tractor dashboard glowed red along with a buzzer that guaranteed shrilling tinnitus for the next few hours. Unfortunately I hadn’t realised that in the factory, on a clean and brand new tractor, the engineers had an easier and quicker job to install a simple flexible pipe, that on a three-year-old machine that’s dirty, oily and covered up by other parts …

I went to my tractor dealer,
the pipe lay on the counter,
in a clean and pristine condition,
an excellent encounter!
On the journey home,
thought “A speedy job I’ll make,
have it on in half an hour,
in fact ‘a piece of cake!'”
Drove the tractor from the shed,
climbed up upon the rear,
couldn’t see either end,
“not an easy job I fear.”
One hour later I’m fed up,
I view my bloodied hand,
I dropped a vital nut on the floor,
things hadn’t gone as planned!
I need a multi-bending arm,
a finger with a light,
a spanner sewn on my thumb,
a third eye on the right!
I finally finished the ‘piece of cake’
two hours “I need a beer!”
I won’t bother with it again,
I’ll call an engineer!

Note to myself:
Tattoo on arm ‘Don’t Be an idiot – call the boys at Oliver Landpower Luton For JCB Repairs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Blackgrass Kills Crop

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Blackgrass threatens wheat

Blackgrass threatens and outgrows wheat

When things go wrong with a crop they are generally highly visible. My father would approach June with a nervousness normally associated with dentistry, just in case Essex farmers, passing on the road to a major show or event, might just spot weeds on his fields! This year, as a result of much rain at key times rendering highly expensive chemicals useless, my wheat is full of a highly-invasive grass weed called ‘Blackgrass’. One field has so much that this morning we are going to spray off and kill the crop, far too early to harvest, in order to attempt to halt the weed’s annual progress…

Watch out Blackgrass here we come,
the Sherriff’s after you with his ‘gun!’
You killed my wheat, stole my yield,
now I’ve got you surrounded in my field.

We’ve driven the crop in the tractor,
made the decision – a harrowing factor.
Despite the loss, not one to be crowed,
At least it can’t be seen from the road!

Sometimes in farming you have to stand up to nature’s bullies.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Asylum Chaos in Calais!

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Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Thousands of British illegal immigrants have stormed the Calais mayoral office to claim asylum following last week’s UK referendum.
The businessmen, wearing bowler hats and carrying rolled umbrellas, made their point by chanting: “Excuse me, Madame Mayor, do you think we could possibly rely on your good nature to offer us asylum?” A lone policeman surrounded the protesters and was soon bombarded with offers of: ‘a nice cup of tea from my Thermos?’ ‘Marmite sandwich?’ and ‘a nice piece of fruit cake that my wife made?’
The group, smuggled into France ‘sometime in the last 48 hours’ by people smugglers, were offered shelter in a refugee camp known as ‘Jungle Deux’. One man, known as Mr Smith, told our reporter that he was looking forward to spending time in the jungle as he’d seen celebrities do it on TV and it didn’t look too bad, but wasn’t looking forward to frogs legs or snails in the ‘Tucker Challenge’. Another known as Mr Smith was hoping that his wife and extended family would be able to join him in Calais later if his bid for asylum was successful.
Government sources denied that mass emigration was underway and were at pains to stress that this was just normal holiday traffic, “Traffic levels on roads leading to cross-channel ports is consistent with the time of year,” claimed a spokesman. When our reporter asked why Operation Stack was in operation on port-bound motorways with many thousands of family cars, laden with possessions, awaiting a crossing, the spokesman called security and had him ejected from the news conference.
In other developments, calls for the closure of Aldi and a boycott of BMW, VW…cont p196

© Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Going on a Fridge Hunt!

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The other day I went to the fridge and noticed a slight niff! Mrs Bard went to the fridge and exclaimed, “Have you no sense of smell?” It was then that we realised that our twenty-year-old Daewoo was no longer capable of purpose. After hours of poring over Which and other useful guides we were ready to go on a Fridge Hunt…

Our old fridge-freezer has finally died,
there was a pong something rotten inside,
been keeping things cool for twenty years,
gradually failed or so it appears!
Went to look at a vast warehouse,
many too big for anybody’s house.
Spent an hour doing the rounds,
rejected one at three thousand pounds!
The choice these days is just too vast,
you get ‘Fridge Blindness’ as you walk past,
Some chill water or make crushed ice,
wonderful machines apart from price!
So we chose a plain fridge/freezer,
after some tips from the sales-type geezer,
From tomorrow a better mood,
Non-melted ice and frozen food!

Have a great day, may your lollies be stiff, your peas frozen and your milk chilled!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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European Champions!

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FlagsThe European Football Championships is in full swing down at our local Tesco. Flags of many nations hang silently over shelves of drink while in Marseilles some of our wonderful fans prove that they should venture no further than orange squash.

Our local Tesco has gone all out,
there’s a row of flags,
everything you could ever need,
football trophies, football mags!
But in France some errant fans,
play a different game,
Plastic Chair Throwing Championships,
blaming police again!
You’d think they could take their drink,
from a glance along the shelves,
they’re letting down a nation,
but most of all, themselves.
Have a great weekend and if you are into football, may your country of choice win!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Nocturnal Toothache Cures!

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CuresThere are worse afflictions in the world than toothache. However having toothache in the middle of the night, when all around is silent, seems to heighten the pain to such an extent that any self-administered cure is considered…

I lie awake my mouth is in pain,
the pillow could be made from a steel frame.
Into the bathroom to re-brush my teeth,
it’s not them that hurt but underneath!
Go to the fridge, milk may be the cure,
it’s very cold, freezing pain to endure.
Put some malt whisky into a glass,
warms the throat but the pain doesn’t pass.
Make a coffee to quell the troubles,
burn your tongue the pain more than doubles.
Reach for a bottle of ‘Oil of Cloves’,
burns the lips but that’s how it goes.
Thinking ‘Power Drill’ the brain sends a warning,
I’ll ring the dentist first thing in the morning!

If you’ve got toothache, there is only one cure, an appointment with your local friendly dentist! Have a good day!
P.S. Have been to the dentist, he drilled and poked and the pain has gone!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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VIP Flypast!

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Stop!Yesterday I went to London to scoop an elderly relative off the train at Paddington Station. Just before the Lord’s Cricket Ground there was a commotion behind us, police outriders stopped the traffic, blew whistles and held back vehicles and pedestrians as four unmarked cars, with blacked-out windows, swept past at speed…

Police stop all the traffic,
VIP coming through,
must be so important,
not for me or you!

The police motorcycle outriders,
swarm at the traffic lights,
whistle and shout, “you can’t come out!”
suspended ‘ooman rights!

I wonder who’s so important,
to be rushed through in this way
I’m glad it’s not me needs security,
I’ll quietly be on my way!

I wish you happy travelling without hold-ups (especially today, Roger and Joanna flying back to Hobart). Safe journey to you all, even if you’re just walking down to the shops! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Bill and the Pill!

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BillHave you ever tried to medicate a cat with a pill? It would be easier to give a hungry tiger a morsel of meat by hand while jumping up and down on a Pogo Stick! It is one operation in life that has no recipe for success…

We had a cat,
his name was Bill.
always refused,
to take a pill.
We’d wrap it up,
in delicious meat,
he’d turn up his nose,
refuse to eat!
We’d go gently,
not scream and shout,
he’d look at us,
and spit it out!
The little devil,
sensing something fishy,
went and hid,
on the Mitsubishi!
In the end,
(between you and me),
we claimed success,
with Dairylea!

If you have to medicate a cat today, good luck and keep those bandages within arms reach (for you, not the cat!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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In The River!

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in the riverIf you ever go boating, take precautions just in case you fall in. Last Saturday I failed to take precautions and dropped into 18ft of water. This was not a necessarily pleasant experience, particularly as I had failed to take basic precautions before walking along the gunwale…

One minute I was pushing off a tree,
next, what was floating? Yes! T’was me.
What saved me from being an underwater sub,
was the safety boat from St Neots Rowing Club!

Stupidity doesn’t always happen in your home,
in my pocket: wallet, keys and my i-Phone.
the fish now have their own hotspot,
while texting, emailing and internetting non-stop!

But when I surfaced the world seemed strange to me,
on the riverbed my glasses, for the fish to see!
In years to come archaeologists will have found,
the signs I was lucky that I hadn’t drowned.

With heartfelt thanks for the prompt actions of those at St Neots Rowing Club.
Also thanks to Alison and all at Royston branch of NFU Mutual Insurance for getting my world back on track with the maximum of speed and minimum of fuss.
If you’re going near water today, stay safe and don’t be a prat like yours-truly!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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No Morning Coffee!

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CNIn our larder there is always a spare jar of coffee so that I can guarantee my wake-up call. The other morning was a near disaster as the jar was almost empty as was the reserve shelf. Luckily my faithful 4×4 was saddled up outside, ready to ride to the rescue and wisk me off to Baldock…

Morning comes downstairs I glide,
open the door let the dogs outside.
In the kitchen coffee to serve,
the jar is empty none in reserve!
How will I cope, will I survive?
In blind panic to the shop I drive,
I’ve never been shopping so early before,
the aisles are empty in the store.
I get to the shelf ignore the grounds,
five jars of instant for twenty pounds!
I drove home, no not that fast,
ready to face the day at last!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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