Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Broken Alarm!

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EarlyIt’s early Saturday morning and I’m up and ready to drive down to the car boot sale that I run every week. The only problem is that due to a new ‘Wake-Up-Early-Solution’, everybody else is awake too. This morning at the bootsale I shall hope to find a new alarm clock…

I’ve broken my alarm clock,
alas it’ll no longer ring,
I replaced the battery,
then threw out the bloody thing!
So now it’s gone for recycling,
along with a bottle of wine,
it may come back eventually,
something useful next time!
So this morning I relied,
on my iPad to do the biz,
so just after half-past-four,
it started to ring and burp and fizz!
I was awake and wondered,
what that noise could be,
by the time I had shut it up,
everyone was awake you see!

Have a great weekend wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. I hope you enjoy your Bank Holiday Monday, let’s hope for no traditional rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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New ‘Baldock’ Workshop!

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Carpentry1Yesterday I had to do some carpentry. Being an ardent fan of ‘New Yankee Workshop’, an American programme, where a bearded man in an apron has every piece of woodworking equipment and makes wonderful furniture, I was well up for the job of making two frames to hold car boot posters…

I went into the workshop,
on a carpentry mission,
I knew what I had to do,
but in an amateur position!
I picked up four rails,
that I’d used for fencing,
This was a piece of cake,
that’s what I was sensing.

I found an ancient saw,
a chisel rather small,
I put on my carpenters hat,
looked just like a fool!
Sawing, chiselling and screwing,
finally my job was done,
no unexpected injuries,
apart from a hammered thumb!

Carpentry2With massive apologies to my former school woodwork teacher. I broke your cardinal rule, I didn’t use a tenon saw and used a normal hammer with the chisel, also I had no set-square. I believe that merits a fail! However in my defence, it was a rush job and it proved once and for all that I’m not much of a carpenter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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April Snow!

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Snow3Yesterday lunchtime the heavens opened and a blizzard ensued near Baldock. Climate-change scientists rushed outside in excitement, while politicians in London blamed Europe and foreigners, proposing new taxation to counter this unusual occurrence…

There’s a blizzard outside of Baldock,
in April you wouldn’t believe,
that Climate Change is with us,
making doubters look naive.
There’s never been weather like it,
for the last million years,
lets go down to the bunker,
this confirms all our fears!
We must bring out new taxes,
that’ll sort it all out,
we’ll be back to having normal weather,
so long as we vote to come out!

Don’t panic Captain Mainwaring, it’ll be gone in a flash and we’ll be back to whatever weather nature throws at us!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Replacing a Fan Belt!

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FanbeltYesterday the JCB Loadall broke down. A red light appeared and after much searching of both brain and machine, I narrowed it down to a broken fan belt. Replacing it took longer than I had bargained for…

Red light appears on the dashboard,
a light I’ve not seen before,
look around for the operators manual,
It’s behind the seat on the floor!

Open the bonnet (a foreign country),
an engine much bigger than a car,
a fan belt hangs limp off its pulleys,
ring the dealer, will fetch it, not far.

Alec in the stores knows the part,
“we’ve one of those on the shelf”
my wonderful wife goes to fetch it,
“why can’t you go and fetch it yourself?”

I start to dismantle the safety guards,
I drop a spanner into the sump,
The exhaust is hotter than you realise,
burning skin aren’t I the chump!

The new belt squeezes behind the fan,
lever it on to both the pulleys,
stabbed my hand with an extra long screwdriver,
screwdriver snaps (came from Woolies!)

Reassemble the engine compartment,
putting back the final guard,
Step right back to admire my handy work,
the second belt’s still in the yard!

With many thanks to Alec and all the crew at Oliver Landpower, Wandon End, Luton. How they must groan when I ring!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

 

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The Clumsy Farmer!

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Whoops1Yesterday was a busy day as we rushed around the fields spreading fertilizer. I only had one task, to make sure the spreader kept on the go by carting and filling it with large one-ton bags of fertilizer. When about to run out, the spreader would back up to the bags, suspended from the bag-lifter on the JCB Loadall arm, the bags would be split with a knife and the whole process would continue. However concentration can’t be lost…

The spreader backed up to the Loadall,
the sky was blue and bright,
the knife split the bags at the bottom,
I then adjusted the height.
I looked away for a moment,
lifted the bags once again,
I’d lifted them more than I ought to,
it spread over the side like rain!
Out came the brush and the shovel,
I cursed at myself (so did James!)
He suggested that I visit an opticians,
have an eye test, not just new frames!

Please can we keep it a secret between us, that my lack of concentration was due to taking the above photo!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Drone Hits Plane

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Gravity - the drones enemy!

Gravity – the drones enemy!

Yesterday the media reported that a drone hit a plane. This was the headline those of us who fly UAV’s (drones) responsibly had been dreading. It could have been worse, there could have been loss of life. I have invested a lot of money and time getting proper training, licence and insurance and I am not going to sit back and see my fledgling business wrecked…

All the headlines scream:
Drone Hits a Plane!
It’s just what the media wanted,
here we go again!
Ban them, catch them, jail them,
throw away the key,
It’s obvious they’re a danger,
to all humanity!

My drone was bought from a dealer,
it won’t fly near a plane,
it can’t hover near an airport,
hit an inbound flight from Spain.

It can’t reach an altitude,
of more than 400 feet,
It just hovers up there,
which really is quite neat.

An inbuilt ‘Nanny Factor’,
somewhere deep inside,
buy it in the UK,
Headlines over-ride!

Instead will be reported,
‘Drone finds missing man’
‘Helps out at Accident’
‘Illustrates a Council Plan’

…But of course good headlines aren’t news!
Fly well, Fly safe. And remember the drone-flyers enemy is gravity, these things come down easier than they go up (see my picture, the result of overflying a harmless crop!)

My personal thanks go to:
Heliguy for supplying,
RUSTA for training,
CAA for licensing
and
Coverdrone for insurance.
Without them I’d not be flying.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

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‘Storm Baldock!’

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Boat SaleI have a sense of deja-vu this morning. It’s five in the morning and I’m manning the phone lines, just like last Saturday, to tell customers that the boot sale has had to be called off due to a very wet Friday. As I sit waiting, my mind wanders and I come up with new uses for the field…

Having a wet and waterlogged field,
poses a problem not seen before,
new unusual diversification,
if the rain continues to pour:

We could hold a swimming gala,
breast stroke, butterfly and crawl,
where to put the many spectators?
they’d have to sit in the pool!

Filming ‘Peppa Pig – The Movie’
would give a director many troubles,
until he shouts into his megaphone:
“Let’s all jump in muddy puddles!”

What about the biggest bathtub?
Plughole cordoned off by rope,
foam, excitement and much splashing,
“Has anybody seen the soap?”

Even in the worst scenario,
if the drainage were to fail,
floating down the Baldock Bypass,
seven Tall-Ships in full sail!

Boating seems the obvious answer,
powered by motor, oars or sail,
so next week you might find us,
holding a weekly car boat sale!
IMG_5748Hope you have a happy (and dry) weekend wherever you are and get to spend it with those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday (weather permitting!)
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Starting Handle!

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snoring TerriersThis morning the inevitable has happened, my mind has gone blank! No surprises there you say! I have many topics to put pen to, but cannot seem to get anything to rhyme, scan or meter on the screen despite ‘liquid stimulus’, so please forgive this mornings output. What I need is something that was last produced in the sixties, a starting handle…

Nothing this morning can get me going,
I’ve had three coffees in a row (ing),
the dogs are lying in front of the Aga,
and I can’t find words for my daily saga!
Outside the morning is misty and damp,
my head fells as if it’s squashed in a clamp!
However there’s hope as I can’t fail,
tomorrow is Saturday and the Car Boot Sale!

I hope you enjoy a great weekend,
I’ll be back Monday – from your rhyming friend!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Wonderful Mother Nature?

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Being a farmer, apparently closer to nature than most, I am supposed to hold Mother Nature in high esteem. Mostly I do; the seasons come along like buses, animals and birds reproduce in the spring and harvest has always followed planting. However I think there are some areas where nature has slipped up, one of these I don’t understand…

Being now old in advancing years,
I have a question: Why growing ears?
Those silly flappy bits, are growing every year,
yet they don’t seem to help in making me hear.
They’ll soon be big enough to be seen in a zoo,
please don’t laugh it may happen to you,
there is only one purpose or so I am told,
they’ll hide my hearing aids when I’m very old!

Enjoy your day. Pardon? What did you say, I didn’t quite catch that, my ears got in the way!
Due to a fault in the operating system I’m having to use a library picture. This shows a volunteer attempting to measure my outsize ears. No animals were harmed in this process.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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When Cars Go Wrong!

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engineIt is frustrating when you have car trouble. Your pride and joy goes off to the garage for the same length of time and similar price to a long cruise and returns without a tan! My farm car broke down some time ago and had to suffer the indignity of a recovery truck. Since then she has been languishing in a shed with frequent caring visits from John, the mechanic…

My poor old Mitsubishi,
poorly for the last two months,
is now back on her feet again,
was her head or could be bumps!
She was to have her head skimmed,
another thou skimmed off,
or possibly a potion,
to help her shift her cough!
But in the end a new head,
with valves and tappets too,
I wish I could have a refit myself,
and return to twenty-two!

Many thanks to John for his skill and patience, also to all the well-wishers who sent flowers, cordial and grapes, she has made a full recovery and is back on the road.  
© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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