Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

Stuck in the Mud!

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Wet NestsThere are times in life when you sink in the mud and need someone else to pull you out. A couple of days ago some people got hold of this humble little website, attacked it, robbed it and left it lying on the side of the road. Ok, in my usual way I’m guilding the lily. I was the victim of a particularly nasty cyber attack. I just hope I haven’t made any enemies out there when ‘I’ (or someone pretending to be me), sent spam e-mails splashing into cyberspace…

The wheels are spinning,
there’s mud everywhere,
I feel I’m sinking,
I start to despair.
Two days later,
I think in disgrace,
I realise the damage is,
in cyberspace!
So if you’ve had an e-mail,
and angry you be,
I’m sorry and humble,
please forgive me!

With best wishes for a fantastic Easter. I know it’s too much to expect peace in the world, but I wish you peace in your world instead.
You may have missed my last posting: When Beans Run Short, you can find it here, http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8092
Best wishes
Baldock Bard

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
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Returns April 9th 2016
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When Beans Run Short!

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Drill 0316When you are drilling a crop there is always the chance of disaster in one or more ways. Running out of seed is possibly the most frustrating, especially when dry weather is not guaranteed. No seed left, on a Saturday, in March, is possibly the most alarming of circumstances. However sometimes luck just runs with you…

Saturday we went drilling,
I’d be lying if I said it was thrilling,
driving up and down,
putting beans in the ground,
from bags often we’d be filling.

However things went awry,
not the weather, that was so dry,
But for more bean seed,
there was a real need,
finally the drill just ran dry!

I texted the agronomist Monday morning,
“Things have gone well, but a warning!
of seed we are short,
thus the drilling abort,
can we fetch a full bag from Horning?”

Late last night we were done,
achieved under lights – no sun!
The beans are now in,
and I’ve got a grin,
I can at last say that drilling was fun!
Many thanks to agronomist David Short for saving the day with seed. It is also worth noting that the seed didn’t came from Horning, but I’m not clever enough to make anything Whittlesford!
© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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My dog and I like Rolling!

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Rolling 162My dog likes rolling. She will find something dead on the lawn or in the field and smother herself with its perfume. This results in a bath at the earliest possible opportunity. I like to roll and have a bath afterwards, but I do it for a different reason…

Up and down the field I go,
The rolls behind the tractor,
Compressing the seedbed for the crop,
A smelly coat not a factor.
The rolls are heard for some distance,
As up and down I drive,
The only reason I later lay in the bath,
Helps my aches and pains subside!
Rolling 16Concocted and written in the bath after rolling a field rather than rolling in a field!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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What’s in Store?

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Aisle2We are all getting older. I discovered this when shovelling grain the other morning and wondering why my arms, shoulders and back hurt. Back in the day I could have done this and leapt onto the next job like a spring lamb. However, according to an much older man I’ve spoken to, there is another stage of old age to be wary of…

An old man once told me,
that he discovered he was old,
when he farted whilst shopping in Tesco.
He felt the gaseous escape,
but heard nothing.

A passing mother gave him an evil glare,
whereupon he shrugged his shoulders,
with all the assumed innocence of the guilty.

When she had gone he turned around,
to discover to his horror,
that he was alone in the aisle,
and his guilt hung around,
like a bad smell!

Thanks to ADP for the confession. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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SNAFU

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Traffic JamReturning home from a funeral yesterday evening we hit heavy traffic. The closer we got to London, the heavier the traffic became. My surprise just showed what a sheltered life I lead. I had forgotten what thirty miles of traffic jam looks like. However my patience was short-lived as other needs became apparent…

Situation normal all fouled up,
we’re going nowhere we’re in the muck.
The traffic up ahead is standing still,
no one is smiling they’ve lost the will.
The gantry signs show a maximum of sixty,
sixty inches per minute would be risky.
But the worst affliction is affecting me,
We’re not going anywhere…
and I’m desperate for a pee!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and entry than ever before!

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Muddy Fields!

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Wet FieldsFlying my drone recently I was shocked to see how wet the fields were.This is worse on land that is clay based, where water can’t soak through as easily as chalk or other ‘lighter’ soils. I know that it is too wet to do any preparations for planting spring crops, apply fertilizer or weed control on my farm, but I hadn’t appreciated just how wet some fields had become. This is particularly evident on the ‘headlands’ (outside 24 metres of fields, cropped, but where machinery turns). As you can imagine there are government regulations (called Cross Compliance) available for instances such as this…

The headland of the field is water-logged,
the rest of the field just wet,
It’s illegal to do operations,
‘Cross Compliance’ we mustn’t forget.

If you don’t treat the land right,
do operations when it’s flooded,
not only will you leave damage,
but your waters will always be muddied!

The drone has a negative footprint,
hovers above with ease,
it spots areas of concern,
but you have to watch out for trees!

Please don’t send any more rain for a while, I’d like my fields to dry out so I can plant my spring beans and oats. However, please don’t turn the tap off altogether as they’ll need watering once sown! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Olde Barn Door!

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Door HammerGive me a gun and I can’t hit the proverbial barn door. However give me a tractor and trailer and I have no problem at all! Unfortunately there are no excuses from my ‘Farmer’s Book of Big Excuses’ so I’ll just have to take it on the chin. Well almost…

The door to the shed is wide enough,
For most farm vehicles and all that stuff,
When I put my tractor into reverse,
All of a sudden my day becomes worse!

I looked in the mirrors on the tractor,
They were clean so not a factor,
Started reversing into the corner,
Heater was on but not like a sauna!

My mobile phone was in my pocket,
Started to ring I could not stop it!
Before I could see who had rang,
There was a loud and sudden bang!

Looked for damage on the trailer fender
All I could see was a sliding door bender!
You may think that farming’s all glamour,
I mended the damage with my ‘effin great hammer!

Take care when reversing, you never know what may be lurking behind you!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Show-Off and Tell!

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supercarThe other weekend, at a pub in rural Norfolk, we watched a man-child play ‘show-off and tell’. At the bar he announced (in a loud voice for the benefit of those possibly out of earshot), that he’d bought himself a Ferrari for his birthday. Later, while leaving the car park, he showed off its performance with squealing tyres. His mates had gathered to look and learn. Unfortunately, much to the disappointment of the assembled crowd, he was lucky and missed the ditch…

He had a supercar sleek and red,
to attract a super-girl to his bed,
He really thought that he was ‘it’,
According to others he was ‘just a tit!’

*Library picture of red supercar. Sorry, I wasn’t quick enough with the camera after a highly satisfying lunch!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Broken near Baldock!

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SibdiscOn Monday morning there was a frost. This is only the fifth frost we’ve had this year. For the last few weeks I have been attempting to do some cultivating so I can plant Spring crops. Unfortunately not only has the weather contrived to disappoint me but so has a machine…

In with the cultivator in the dark,
gear set to drive rather than park,
floodlights illuminate wherever I go,
Frost is on the ground (they forecast snow!)
Glance over my shoulder somethings wrong,
turn off the radio silence the song,
the serrated discs are not turning round,
soil has built up, made a groove in the ground.
Out with the spud to spade off the earth,
can’t see what’s wrong for what it’s worth,
back to the shed fire up the welder
mend a bracket that I’ll call Imelda!
My welding looks good I want to shout,
get back to the field the frost has come out!
return to the barn feel a little sorrow
put the tractor away try again tomorrow!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Clean Sweep!

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SweepingMy old boss used to say, “You can always find something to do on a farm, even if it’s sweeping the yard!” I seem to have driven a brush far more during recent weeks than a tractor. I have swept the barn so many times that I shall soon have to be like Trig in ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and require a new broom…

The great thing about sweeping,
it lets your clogged mind wander,
as time stretches before you,
not something you can squander!

You sweep, sweep, sweep,
with rythmatic ease,
your mind is far away,
in Malta or Belize!

Suddenly you’re finished,
it catches you with surprise.
only then you understand,
dust can clog your eyes!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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