Drone-Destroyer Denzel!

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Denzil's Destroyed DroneThe media is excitedly awaiting more dastardly drone stories. Hardly a day goes by when the competence of operators or pilots is not called into question. Having taken time, money and effort to become qualified, I can appreciate the vast difference between serious fliers and those ‘Just-out-of-the-box Johnnies.’ The one mercy is that these things have one-thousand-and one ways of self-destructing when used by the incompetent (and sometimes me!). Trees and buildings rather than planes are the drones enemy…

Denzel the Drone Destroyer,
is in need of an excellent lawyer,
he unboxed the drone,
flew it at home,
the cat looks as if shaved by Goya!

He took it out to the park,
flew it around in the dark,
said “oh dear me!”
when it hit a tree,
the bill for repair’s left its mark!

When it finally returned from repair,
“from now on I shall take more care,”
his wife sued for divorce,
when it veered off course,
and tangled itself in her hair!

Now banned from flying inside,
went to the countryside for a ride,
didn’t set ‘home’,
for Baldock (or Rome!)
so it’s flown back to China (or tried!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Permanent Passengers!

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BagforlifeIt is a modern dilemma, you rush to the supermarket to buy something for supper, make your choice, get to the checkout and realise something is missing. That modern companion, the ‘Bag For Life’, has been left in the car and you are forced into a decision; juggle with pile of unbalanced and misshapen objects, buy a flimsy 5pence one-journey-before-split bag or add to the collection of bags living rough in the car…

I have this bag for life,
I keep her in the car,
She and I are happy,
She says that we’ll go far!

But when I go shopping,
and it’s time to pay,
I realise I’m on my own,
and she is far away!

So I buy a replacement,
to add to my collection,
a friend for my ‘lifey’
my carrier bag selection!

Apparently I am the problem and should be more organised! Thank you MD for your diagnosis! Have a great day and don’t forget your BFL!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Six Lucky Cats!

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Six Lucky CatsIn our local supermarket (the one that has had bad luck recently by being caught not paying suppliers within guideline periods, inflated results, etc. etc.), I discovered six golden cats on the shelf. They were ‘lucky cats’ that were heavily discounted. I’m afraid I passed them by as it didn’t seem they’d brought much luck to the supermarket…

Six golden cats
sitting in a row,
watch their arms,
wave too and fro!

They are lucky cats,
all on special offer,
buy one and you’ll see,
money in your coffer!

However if you pass,
ignore them if you dare,
your crimes will be discovered,
and published everywhere!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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That Morning Feeling!

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SleepI’ve had a very busy weekend, ably assisted by two fantastic volunteers. We have been very busy in the grain store turning tons of linseed. This has led to an unforeseen problem, I’m not sure what day of the week it is and I ache all over…

Getting up this morning,
spent yesterday in the shed.
Having worked all Sunday,
is playing with my head!
I think it may be Monday,
I’m really not so sure,
as I also worked Saturday,
could be the day before!
I know that it’s not Tuesday,
or could it just be Wed?
All I want to do right now,
is crawl back into bed!

Many thanks to John and Russell for help beyond the call of friendship.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Defeating the Howler!

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FurnaceLast night the wind howled around the farm from the North West. It was a lazy wind that came into the farmhouse under the back door and found its way out through the thousands of breaches to be found in an old building such as this. Our last line of defence proved to be a godsend…

Raid the log pile,
Get kindling in,
Light the wood burner,
Break out the sloe gin!
After ten minutes,
remove the thick coat,
After half an hour,
Off with the waistcoat!
Another hour goes by,
Thick jersey is off,
Next is the vest,
some may well scoff!
By this time,
Sitting room a hot pleaser,
The rest of the house,
colder than in the freezer!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Trouble with Rats!

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IMG_2629This winter has been so mild that the most unwanted pests on the farm have been prolific breeders. Their increased numbers have led to me buying ever greater quantities of ‘food’ for them. In desperation I have tried blue grain and blue pellets. Now pellets of a different kind have been brought to bear…

“Come and get it!” I shout in the yard,
if anyone saw me they’d be sure to laugh hard.
I have my bucket and my little green scoop,
as I search for evidence of collective rat poop!
What they don’t expect is Russell with gun,
armed with night-vision to spoil all their fun,
they don’t realise as vermin they play,
a small grey pellet is about to ruin their day.

As part of my traceability certification that I need to have (in order to sell crops), I have to have ‘rodent eradication policies’ in place. Thanks to Russell these are now working well! However I am shortly going on a course to learn about using rat bait (something I’ve been doing for over 40 years quite successfully). Without yet another certificate, I shall not be able to buy or use rat poison after April as ‘grandfather rights’ are due to be abolished. I suppose at least it keeps faceless desk-jockeys in work dreaming up ever-more dastardly restrictions! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Farm Breakdown!

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SocketsThere are few things more soul-destroying than when machines go wrong. They never seem to breakdown in the shed when they are resting, but always when you are up against it! Last night while moving linseed in the grain store things went wrong…

Break out the sockets,
hammer as well,
the grain’s stopped moving,
why? I can’t tell.
Down into the pit,
where grain has spilt,
the funnel’d part,
has quite a tilt.
Give it three clouts,
(and one for luck!)
t’was all my fault,
‘what a Schmuck!’

One of these days I might learn not to overload the system. Many years ago my old boss used to say: “Patience and perseverance can piddle a hole in a stone!” Should have listened to him.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Ninja Slipper Routine!

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Ninja SlippersHaving recently passed my three-score-years, I find that nocturnal bladder-relief is my nightly burden. I creep out of bed, using my watch illumination as a guide and cross the ancient creaking floorboards to the bathroom. Sometimes I’m more ninja-successful than others…

The elderly slippered-ninja makes his way,
Across the landing before break of day.
Alone towards the toilet creeping like a mouse,
To avoid awakening others in the house!
He knows each floorboard that creaks or groans,
Avoids going to stay in other people’s homes,
On the way back to bed a ghost like screeching,
The dogs squeaky toy destroys best ninja creeping!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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New Year Predictions!

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Old YearHere we are standing at the gate that leads to a new year. Just about every media outlet is crammed with predictions: political, social and environmental. As none of them can possibly know with any degree of certainty, I wish they’d just zip it and let it happen…

So many people,
are prone to write,
next year forecasts,
seldom right.

So I thought,
(don’t wish to sneer),
I’d simply wish you,
Happy New Year!

Have a very Happy New Year and stay safe.
Baldock Bard (1,171 posts and still going!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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How to Untangle Christmas Lights!

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ch lightsHere we are, Christmas Eve, and I wonder how many of you have had your fill of ropes of lights? Over the last few days I have spent hours trying to untangle thousands of miles of lights with varied success. It must be a ‘man thing!’…

Find box of lights in attic/cupboard/garage
Do not see if they are working as they were OK when put away last January
Take lights and shake vigorously
Say magic work “Fu-Kinell”
Swear at the cat/dog
Pour a drink
Eat a mince pie
Repeat until threatened by partner
Schake thes lightz agen
Shepeat margic rurds
Plead with shild not to use mashic rurds in school/kitchen/friends house
Bribe shild with shocolates
Open vlotlle of wiern
Shak z lits shum mor
Haz nufer dlink
Shred on lichs
Take zhen to reflyclin bun
Tell partner “bruken lichs!”
Pour mur wiern
Mish grass
Snore!

Happy Christmas to you and yours from the Baldock Bard

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

 

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