Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

Christmas Guests!

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Christmas is just two days away and unexpected guests turn up! A flock of Canada Geese have thoroughly upset our home crew and I foresee trouble around the table! Harmony and festive spirit are in short supply and before the festivities are over there may be hissing, spitting and raised honking’s…

Christmas is coming,
the geese are getting fat,
they aren’t for the table,
too cantankerous for that!

They don’t like sharing wheat,
grass is all their own,
then some distant cousins,
come to invade their home!

We think we are unique,
bad-mood-aunty at the table,
but at least we have crackers,
(a hat for Aunty Mabel!)

If you’re fed up with TV
it makes you wonder ‘why’?
look out in the field,
and watch the feathers fly!

It should be noted at this point that our guests are always well behaved!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Christmas Cards

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CardsI wonder if you are following the trend this Christmas of not sending cards? There are a noticeable number on social media who have grandly announced: ‘The (*insert name) family are not sending cards this year in order to save the *postman’s back / environment / turkeys / wildlife / carbon footprint’ (*tick where applicable!). I have written more than ever this year in a Canute-like attempt to keep this tradition alive…

My hand is hurting,
my elbow’s sore,
don’t want to write cards,
anymore!

Some in the pile,
have no address,
named and signed,
what a mess!

My biggest worry,
late at night,
is Sandra really,
Bill’s new wife?

It’s too late,
I’m wrong I fear,
I may not get a card,
From them next year!

It would seem that the much-awaited annual round robin has been finally killed off by social media as we now get a weekly bulletin about remarkable achievements delivered directly to our desktops!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Bogged Down near Baldock!

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StuckOver the weekend I’ve played host to a guest from the West Country. Whereas our annual rainfall is measured in inches, down there they measure it in feet! I showed my ignorance of recent weather conditions by driving my guest across a rather damp field with unexpected but obvious consequences…

“Just here is something I want to show,
Oh dear, we seem to be going slow,
I fear the ground is rather wet,
and this 4×4 is about to get set!”

I put the gearstick into ‘low’
not an inch further did we go,
the wheels had dug themselves a slot,
any forward motion was soon forgot!

I rang John, “Could you possibly bring,
the JCB Loadall forklift thing!”
He arrived with a chain,
to pull us onto the dry again!

So if you make yourself look a fool,
Make sure you have a ‘John’ to call.
And if you’ve no John (or one that suits)
make sure you’re wearing Wellington boots!
JCB John (1)With grateful thanks to John for saving the day and to my guest for covering my embarrassment! Next time I shall eschew laziness, put on wellies and walk!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Evil ‘S’ Word!

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SugarThe nose-in-the-air do-Gooders have moved on. The war against tobacco has been won and climate change protest is now part-time since governments discovered it’s magical revenue-raising powers. The new target, in a supermarket near you, is now (whisper it if you dare) sugar. Yesterday I came under scrutiny from one of the new ‘Sweetner Warriors’ and it wasn’t a pleasant experience…

Loading the checkout from my heavy trolley,
any comment would have been mere folly,
a bag of sugar – the devils thirst quencher,
was followed by chocolate milk – a sugary drencher!
Four bottles of green Coke came along next,
(the lady in front, now really quite vexed)!
Ten bottles of water ignoring ‘water-miles’
Sixteen cans of coke (all of them sugar phials!),
Three litres of Grouse on special offer,
Her face by now was ‘disgusted proper’!
She’d tutted so much her bottom lip quivered,
Her sweet-free shop she’d next have delivered!
But the funniest thing (I grinned all the way home),
She weighed rather more than my sugared twelve stone!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Dangerous Decorations!

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IMG_1671Yesterday I ventured down into the cellar to fetch the decorations for our Christmas tree. I found the box, climbed over the general stored detritus and made my way up the concrete steps to where my granddaughter waited to help me with the tree. Unfortunately I wasn’t looking where I was going…

Beware of Christmas decorations,
When they’ve been away for a year,
They can spell disaster,
Cause strange happenings I hear!
I collected a box from the cellar,
Up the steps did slip,
Now my face is all disfigured,
By a boxer-like fat lip!

… and World-Heavyweight Boxer, Tyson Fury, was nowhere near!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Flood Gates!

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SplashingThere has been heavy rain (40mm) and flooding in parts of the North West over the weekend. Houses have been flooded, power supplies cut and everyday lives disrupted. Soon the media will move elsewhere and little will be done until next time…

There’s flooding up in Cumbria,
the media is there in force,
looking for tomorrow’s pictures,
in the middle of floods – a horse!
Schools are empty and silent,
children shelter from the rain,
when they go back to the classroom,
Climate change will shoulder the blame!

Apparently poor quality flood defences built after the last time are holding back the dispersal of the flood water! Typical of a job poorly planned and carried out on an inadequate budget. Government cuts budgets at home to pay for foreign aid including flood protection in foreign countries.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Friday Beans!

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This morning I have to move beans from the store to the barn in preparation for a lorry next week. Field beans are not only very dusty but also extremely noisy, so I’m in for a peaceful morning, not…

Beans, beans, good for the heart,
moving them is quite an art.
The more you move them,
the more knackered you feel
‘tis why moving beans has no appeal!

Here’s hoping your day is more peaceful than mine. Have a great weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Cold Calling!

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I am being plagued by cold callers at the moment. So much so that I am beginning to ignore those whose number shows as being withheld. Having answered yet another cold call my concentration is shot and not only have I wasted the time the call took but my blood pressure has risen…

I rushed to the phone,
just got there in time,
another cold caller,
on the end of the line.

Did I want a change,
of telecomms supplier?
superb double glazing?
or ornate fake-log fire?

He asked me if,
I was having a nice day,
I replied that I would be,
if he’d simply go away.

The only calls I welcome
From folk who want to chat,
I’d disconnect the line,
if it wasn’t for that!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Powerful Little Coin!

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Yesterday I went to get my phone repaired. One thing led to another and Mrs Bard and I had lunch and did some Christmas shopping. On our return to the car park I discovered that I needed a comfort break. I managed to track down some public facilities but they were coin-operated. Alas I only had plastic! I ran back up five flights of stairs, desperation growing, and finally tracked down a suitable coin in the foot-well of the car. A record-breaking dash worthy of Mo Farrah back down the stairs led to relief…

This humble little 20p,
about as small as a coin can be.
But if you’re desperate for a pee,
it has more power than a JCB!

Have a great day and don’t forget to take a 20p with you, just in case!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Remarkable Traffic Warden!

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We all love to hate Traffic Wardens and complain (as much as a three-year-old when caught stuffing todays post down the toilet!) when we are ticketed. Sometimes they can be accused of being over-zealous, however in my limited experience they can sometimes be most human…

Strutting around towns they march,
expressions as if they’re faces starched,
handing out tickets left and right,
acting as if they’ve a God-given might!

We are lucky in Baldock Town,
many a smile, hardly a frown,
Should you ever piss you take,
your number goes down from your plate!

Not long ago I was just collecting,
a tasty take-away was expecting,
“I’m so sorry, please do not scold!”
“Hurry along before your meal gets cold!”

No need to offer twice,
Thank you for ensuring no cold rice!

‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our cars, but in ourselves, for we are underlings!’ Have a great day and avoid fines of any sort!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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