The Missing Tooth!

Posted on September 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Anyone driving past the farm late yesterday evening would have seen a strange sight. Four grown adults and a toddler, crouched down on the drive, sifting through pea-gravel by hand whilst laughing uncontrollably at the predicament. The situation however was serious, I had lost a crown from my mouth, and with a wedding to attend on Saturday, a bag-over-the-head was looking the only option…

Anyone seen a crown,
lying on the ground?
I heard a dreadful snap
now a hole like Watford Gap!
So many teeth-like clones,
disguised like little stones!
just before ‘twas dark,
a shout like a bark:
“Eureka! Do not fear!
I’ve found it lying here.
Later with a groan,
we found it was a stone!

I’m relieved to report it was found amongst the stones and so the search for a head-bag large enough has been cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Weather Balloon!

Posted on September 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night we finished harvest by being chased around the field of linseed by ominous back clouds. To harvest linseed you need one rare commodity – sun! Looking at the forecast there was not likely to be two consecutive dry days in the next fortnight, so we had to go when we could. As we combined the final row a balloon appeared in the sky…

Harvest at last is over,
Just before more rain,
It will be a relief,
to feel human once again!

No more trawling forecasts,
(choosing the one we like!)
We’re so used to the symbols,
as we watch the weather strike.

That’s not to say we’re out of the woods,
next years crops are to be drilled,
we’ll need the rain so they can grow,
or the barn will not be filled!

So may we have three weeks no rain,
(a plea to those who broadcast!)
And then we can forget the stormy skies,
and ignore the weather forecast!

Thanks to Virgin Balloons for appearing to help me celebrate my 1,111th blog posting!

Alarm Call!

Posted on September 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Every Saturday morning my alarm goes off at 4.30 and I leap out of bed to prepare for an invasion of people. After cereal and coffee I leave the house and drive to the furthest edge of the farm where a queue of eager car boot sellers await in the dark. However some of them need new mattresses as they have been busy many hours before…

Who would ring at 02:09?
Don’t they know that it’s night-time?
Are they exhausted, tossing and turning,
for car boot sales they have been yearning.
They ring a number, the ‘boot sale line’
do they think all will be fine?
In an office empty and dark,
on the desk a phone is parked.
It rings and rings, to them ‘oh dear!’
they must assume that nobody’s here!
I am tempted tomorrow night,
To ring them early, are they alright?
But I won’t, because after all,
I find my mattress too comfortable!

Have a great weekend, I hope you’re spending it surrounded by those you love.

The Leafy Tunnel

Posted on September 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard and I were in East Sussex staying with old friends in their new house. We took a drive down to Battle, St Leonards and all points back to Hurst Green. On the way we came across a leafy tunnel, I leapt out with my camera. It seemed to rather sum up life…

Is there light at the end of your tunnel?
Look hard it’s certainly there.
Just enjoy September foliage,
By this time in a month it could be bare.

Whatever your trials or tribulations,
your neighbour might be the worse off,
So look at the beautiful scenery,
Ignore the deepening trough.

We all have problems about us,
our life makes us not at all keen.
Tomorrow the skies may be sunny,
It takes rain to paint the world green!

Hope always lurks near the depths of despair, stay strong.
Best wishes
from The Baldock Bard

Moving a Combine Harvester!

Posted on September 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It is 4:35 on Saturday morning and here I am, bleary-eyed and not bushy-tailed, inhailing my first coffee of the day. I can hardly believe what we did last night, it didn’t involve drink or food or merriment! We simply went harvesting in the first dry weather window for seven days! The beans were damp, the yield was minimal, but the sense of achievement was euphoric after seven days of sitting on our hands…

Some speak of great achievement,
Some gold medals accrue,
We simply harvested our smallest field,
exercised our Harvest Crew!
Moving a combine is perilous,
especially on Friday night,
apart from one or two fingers,
we managed to achieve that all right!
Bindweed wrapped the combine,
of beans not much sign,
back home within the hour,
profit? Not this time!
I’ve just had a phone call,
“Is the boot sale on?”
It’s pouring with rain in Luton,
getting out of bed was wrong!
So apologies to traffic behind us,
I know the combine moves slow,
But sometimes a half-hour window,
in the weather – we have to go!
If your weekend is spoiled by rain, blame me, as I may have angered the Weather-Gods when they were looking the other way last night! Have a good one, may luck be with you.

Best of the Worst or Worst of the Best?

Posted on September 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes in life we make idiotic decisions despite the advice of others. If they are kind they stay silent, some say ‘told you so’ while others go further. This year, the year of the atrociously wet harvest, was the year I chose not to use the straw chopper on the combine and bale all the straw. True, it has meant that when we were able to harvest, the machine has travelled faster, so as a result we have more dry grain in the barn and have used less fuel. However there is an obvious visible and very damp downside on show to all who drive pass the farm…

Is this harvest:
The best of the worst?
Or the worst of the best?
That I can’t decide.
It’s as if I’ve taken all my luck,
and left it in a bag outside.

The combine rushes up and down the field,
between many days of rain,
leaving the straw in long neat rows,
I’m pushing my luck again.

So despite having an over-full barn,
not room for very much more,
out in the field lies my luck,
row upon row of damp straw.

If anyone knows where I can buy a few days of dry and sunny weather, please can they get in touch. I don’t mind if they are used or new, home-grown or foreign, boxed or unboxed, just no more buckets of rain for a while please!

A Wet Harvest!

Posted on August 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon the sun shone, the birds sang and everything was well in the world. The crops weren’t dry enough to harvest, but they were drying… until another heavy shower dampened both wheat and spirits. My father always warned about a wet harvest…

My father once sat me upon his knee,
“Now son listen carefully to me!
Don’t you ever dare forget,
Some harvests can be soaking wet.
The wheat stands sadly row on row,
If wet too long it begins to grow.
So my farmerly advice – never forget,
Harvest when you can… tomorrow may be wet!”

Did I listen? Did I care? Nah! When you’re a kid, moralistic tales mean nothing! So here I am, an old man, waiting for the weather to change on an August Bank Holiday Weekend, which everyone doth know… is always wet! However we also know we can’t change the weather, so Happy Bank Holiday Everyone!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Teaspoon of Life!

Posted on August 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Is your glass half full or half empty this morning? Chances are that if you’re a farmer looking out onto damp fields you might think the latter while reality suggests the former! I was moping about worrying about damp crops still in the field when suddenly I remembered that there was a large heap of dry grain in the barn, tipping out the washing-up-bowl also brought good news, so it looks like it’s going to be a good day…

There’s always a teaspoon left in the sink,
Just shout ‘Hurrah!” and make yourself a drink!
While you’re waiting for the kettle to boil,
Think of a positive in your daily toil.
If there’s no positive or none you can think,
At least you’ve an extra teaspoon found in the sink!

Have a great day and watch out for those lucky teaspoons in your life!

Not A Harvest Morning!

Posted on August 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If anyone had been here, just after 6am, they would have witnessed a gruesome view. An elderly farmer in pyjamas and wellingtons, ventured out to check the rain gauge! With two disgruntled terriers, he walked as far as the gauge, swore, tipped out the contents (narrowly missing a peeing dog), and headed back for a much-needed coffee…

It’s hardly a summer’s morning,
damp with mist in the air.
The farmer checks the rain gauge
there’s 20mm in there!
No need to rush to the combine,
the trailer can stay in the shed,
the dogs have had their morning walk,
and all can go back to bed!

The last line is pure fiction I’m afraid as I never seem to get to complete my ‘to do’ list.
I hope you all have a great weekend.

The Curse of the Cone!

Posted on August 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On a recent journey I was held up in traffic. When I reached the front of the queue I realised that the problem was an outbreak of cones! As it was after 5pm I was not surprised to see inactivity on the closed off section. Notch up another victory over common sense for ‘Elf and Safety…

Miles and miles of bloody cones!
Everyone’s on their mobile phones,
“Don’t know when we’ll be home for tea,
Not my fault, don’t blame me!”
Where is the workforce to be protected?
Yellow fluorescent, hard hats selected!
Where are the lorries carrying the load?
Where are the machines mending the road?
Where are the managers who on site roam?
It’s five o’clock, everyone’s gone home!
Where is the motorist who frowns as he groans?
Still stuck in the queue looking at cones!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants