Writer’s Tears!

Posted on August 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m always on the look-out for ‘quirky stuff’ to give me inspiration and provide the photo to head the daily blog. During the last 1,081 posts I’ve used a vast variety of images that I’ve seen while I’ve been out and about. This morning I’ve been distracted and spent far too much time looking through photo-files without producing a single word or thought. Then I came across a picture that seemed to sum up the situation when writers have a blank and wandering mind…

When your brain refuses to do,
and a blank page stares back at you,
you’ll confront all your deepest fears,
and grab a bottle of ‘Writer’s Tears!’
At first there’s just a feeling inside,
as a unicorn you prepare to ride!
Then a torrent of words appear,
no need to shed a writer’s tear!

This is, of course, pure fiction. When I have had a drink I lose control of my fingers and they write words like: wfhuffnc or bdmpeer!
Have a great weekend and enjoy words, however you discover them.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Awesome Child!

Posted on July 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never understood why some parents actively promote the wonders of their children. Nearly all of us are proud of our offspring but most of us take steps to curb our enthusiasm in front of others. Certain clothes don’t help to stem this ‘My Child is Awesome’ syndrome…

My child is awesome,
in every way,
everything she does,
and everything she say!
She’s just fantastic,
superb in every way,
I’m left wondering,
How she’ll be great today!

Pass the bucket Mavis! I think I’m going to be…Bluuuuuuurg!

The Farmer’s Water Torture!

Posted on July 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If you ever want to terrorise a farmer, wait until harvest-time and ask if he’s emptied the rain gauge yet! This year it would have a greater effect than normal as the weather has been inclement at just the wrong time. Too much rain when the ear is ready to be harvested, makes the grain think it’s time to grow and sprouting takes place. This is detrimental to both the value of the crop and the farmer’s health…

“How much rain have you had?”
“Don’t know I’ll take a look!”
I wandered out to the rain gauge,
Down the yard flowed a bubbling brook!

“Holey moley!” I let out a cry,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
60 centimitres in the gauge,
A dreadful harvest-time surprise.

Wasn’t long before the phone,
With farmers was red hot,
“What you get in your rain gauge?
60 centimetres seems a lot!”

So don’t bother ringing me,
I won’t bother to ring,
Because the effin rain gauge,
Is now in the effin bin!

They say don’t shoot the messenger, but that rain gauge had been asking for it for some time now!

An English Summer

Posted on July 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

So far this month of July I have emptied more rain out of the rain gauge than in the six previous months. This includes the largest amount I have ever seen (2.5 inches on the 17th). It is wet and cold and last night I even lit our wood-burning stove. However my sympathies lie with wildlife who must wonder what has happened…

A wise cock-pheasant around the garden perused,
“Tell me Mister, I’m so confused,
I’m told that this is July,
Yet it’s cold and wet, anybody know why?”
folk are on holiday, some flown away,
to far-off lands for sun they say!”
I told him, “Mr Pheasant it’s a bummer,
But that is typically an English Summer!”

For me at the moment this bad weather may be an inconvenience, luckily my crops aren’t ready for harvest. But many farmers must bee looking to the sky with furrowed brows as this much rain on ready-to-harvest grain can make it sprout thus losing it’s already-low value.

Baldock Bard 2015

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The Digital Holiday!

Posted on July 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Like millions of houses up and down the country, we have a burglar alarm. Unfortunately we also have a dog that, when the alarm sounds, can do more damage than a sledge-hammer wielding burglar. The latest sounding ended with my Macbook lying on the floor, mortally wounded by rampaging dog…

The dog is biting at the door,
laptop lies upon the floor,
the burglar alarm wails out loud,
the dog looks manic, angry but proud.

At the time I was unable to see much gain,
re-loading everything what a pain!
however suddenly I realise the difference it’ll make,
a digital holiday, a short byte-break!

So if you were wondering where I be,
not at a hotel by the sea,
but relaxing and sleeping like a log,
all because of one alarmed dog!

Go on! Treat yourself to a short byte-break, you’ll be amazed how refreshing it can be!

Baldock Bard 2015

Paperwork!

Posted on July 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As a farmer I am often asked, “…and what are you up to on the farm at the moment?” Expecting an answer of “I be crollicing my turnips, my dear” or similar, delivered in a yokel accent, they seem to be very disappointed when nine-times-out-of-ten the answer is “paperwork!” The truth is that most jobs are similar in many ways…

Some years ago there was a rumour:
‘The paper-less office is here!’
Everyone heaved a sigh of relief,
left the office and had a beer!
Some looked for a solution,
what to do with this now-empty room!
But oldies who’d been there before them,
said “we’ll not be changing too soon!”
Today we’ve got out the paperwork,
condensed and put in a file,
an inspector will come to examine it,
he’ll be reading and looking for a while!
If I was alone in assembling,
I’d probably be banged up for life!
it’s another time I’m so grateful,
I am married to my Farmer’s Wife!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Rogue Sheep!

Posted on July 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I looked out of the window and was shocked to see ewes and lambs. This wasn’t because there were ewes and lambs on an all-arable farm (they belong to another farmer and are grazing our grass), but more because they were in the wrong field heading for the wood! I managed to get most of them in a fenced-off field, opened the adjoining gate to where they should have been, when disaster struck…

Yesterday morning chasing sheep,
only just got up from sleep!
Twelve of them have ‘gone rogue’,
don’t want them near the busy road.
Towards the wood they start to run,
I feel with me they’re poking fun!
Into a neighbouring field called ‘Struthers’,
“I’ll open a gate they’ll join the others!”
The others were grazing until then you see,
I’ve now got fifty joining me!
I look to the skies wave a fist and bark:
“Why did Noah put sheep in the Ark?”

Thanks to David and Charlie, neighbouring farmers with sheep and more importantly – sheepdogs, who helped me return the flock to the field!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Longing for Dial-up!

Posted on June 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve spent this last week doing a course in Newcastle, living in a house at Newbiggin about 15 miles to the north. The people have been great, both those on the course and those I’ve met around and about. They have been friendly, open and welcoming. However one old chestnut has followed me north, poor phone signal. At one point I sat attempting to access the internet with phone held aloft, typing with one hand…

Trying for Internet access,
I’m pulling out my hair,
one moment it’s gone,
the next it is barely there!
Using a hotspot,
to keep in touch,
is just frustrating,
just too much!
I dream of the day,
you can use your phone,
everywhere you go,
When away from home.

Thanks to the instructors and students on the course, for making a simple farmer so welcome! Oh! and I managed to pass by getting over 75% in the exam, the toughest I’ve ever sat in my life. So if you want to know how to fly UAV’s (drones) safely and correctly, have a chat to those nice people at Heliguy or RUSTA!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Danger! It’s a Drone!

Posted on June 22, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are certain daily items that over the years have been used by the press as props for a ‘let’s-make-up-a-story’ on a lack-lustre news day. Sometimes these have been based around ‘inventions of the devil’: The motor-car (great frightener of horses), television (destroyer of children’s brains), up to today’s beloved bête noire, the UAV, commonly known as a drone…

Hold the front page I’ve a story to tell,
There’s an object in the sky and it’s coming from Hell!
It’s capable of anything the press can decide,
Will suddenly appear to take your pet for a ride!

It can crash into your garden, bring down a jet,
A thousand other uses we haven’t thought of yet!
Those who use them will spy on your bed,
Then lose control and injure your head!

“He is an outcast,” the papers will say,
On innocent lives apparently I prey!
But the truth is simple, no cause for alarm,
I’m spying on wheat around my own farm!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Art of Conversation!

Posted on June 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Running a car boot sale in this country comes with problems that don’t affect markets in some other nations. We are at the mercy of the Great British Summer. Since the earliest of times, the weather has come to the aid of this Island Race when conversation has lagged. This has avoided those long silences that some unfortunate nations endure…

Here we are it’s Saturday,
Car Boot time again,
the forecast is uncertain,
looks like we’ll have rain!

Last week a sunny morning,
‘till after half-past-four,
then the heaven’s opened,
Down the rain did pour!

We all know politicians,
can’t agree together,
so let us just be thankful,
they can’t control the weather!

…it helps to fill a blog as well! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

Writer’s Tears!

The Awesome Child!

The Farmer’s Water Torture!

An English Summer

The Digital Holiday!

Paperwork!

Rogue Sheep!

Longing for Dial-up!

Danger! It’s a Drone!

The Art of Conversation!