Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

Monday Morning Motivation!

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When walking up to the workshop to fetch a power tool I noticed the yard had weeds growing out of every crack in the concrete. This never happened when the farmyard was busy, so it’s out with the knapsack sprayer as there’s no better time than right now (and conditions were perfect: sunshine and dry with no wind)…

An under-used farmyard grows only weeds,
hustle and bustle is what it needs.
Tractors rushing to and fro,
collecting machines and off they go!
Lorries arriving for a loads of grain,
intense activity ‘till they’re gone again.
There’s now no fertiliser nor bags of seed,
any rushing around there’s no need.
So when the farmer’s no longer a player
it’s out to the farmyard with his knapsack sprayer

Have a great Monday! I wish you flowers not weeds in your day today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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My Disruptive Drone Demon!

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Today I’m entertaining a journalist who wants to know about drone-use in agriculture and I’m running scared! Technology has the capability of letting you down at the most inopportune moments and despite immaculate preparations and training, it’s always best to expect the unexpected. I am convinced that there is a little demon who lives inside my drone, I call him ‘Landin’…

‘Landin’ lives inside my drone,
in a wire-like structure he calls his home.
At random moments he can deliver,
unexpected problems that make me shiver!
Some months ago I can’t think why,
he took control made it “no fly!”
As trees appeared in its flight path,
I could hear his screeching demonic laugh.
You’ve got all ready for a flight,
‘Firmware Upgrade Needed’ it’s just not right.
If someone’s watching (not a show),
a helicopter appears flying low.
So my fingers are crossed for today,
I just hope the little demon’s away!

What my little demon hasn’t yet appreciated is that I had good training thanks to Sion and the good guys at RUSTA (https://www.rustauas.com) and so whenever anything goes wrong I’m prepared, even if it results in a CVCS (Controlled Vertical Crash Solution!).

Have a great day and I hope your little demon stays away from whatever you’re doing today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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Sending in ‘The Heavies’!

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Very occasionally we have a tenant in our light industrial workshops who expects continued occupation whilst withholding rent. If there is no communication or attempt to pay I have to take action. This happened for the first time in many years recently and so I was forced to send in ‘The Heavies’ otherwise known as Sumo…

“I can’t seem to enter my unit,
there’s something in the way,
I don’t seem to be able to shift it,
It weighs much more than hay!”

“There is a simple answer,
it involves a pound or two,
then my JCB will shift it,
hand the unit back to you.
‘Oh dear!’ you’ve mislaid your cheque book,
you’re waiting for others to pay,
your customers car is inside,
he can wait another day!”

“What? You’ve found some money?”
I say with thinly veiled shock!
“Your customer’s on his way,
I’ll remove the concrete block!”

Have a good day and may those who owe you money race to pay their dues!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Space Saver!

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There is a Welsh legend that in the early days of motoring a Welshman had the idea of carrying a spare wheel in case of punctures. From then on he was known by the name ‘Stepney Spare-Wheel’. Fast-forward to yesterday and his antecedent ‘Sven Space-Saver’ was the target of my angst when I discovered a flat tyre…

Bloody Sven and his poxy space-saver wheel,
bet he never changed one for real,
everything hidden under piles of shopping,
designed to make the moment heart-stopping.
Once you’ve found yourself a jack,
(about as much use as a bent toast-rack),
then you remember the locking stud,
thank heaven’s it’s dry without any mud.
Finally you replace the wheel with the spare,
50 miles an hour to drive anywhere,
you stand back to admire your skill,
“What shall I do with the punctured wheel?”
It won’t fit in the spare-wheel well,
the dirt will make the shopping smell.
So thanks a lot Sven for the space you save,
you’ll make Stepney Spare-Wheel spin in his grave!

Have a god day and I do hope you avoid a puncture.
Thanks to Baldock Tyres for promptly repairing the puncture so I could hide the space-saver until the next time!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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The One-Cat Protest!

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Whenever my daughter and her family pack their motorhome for a few days break, their cat, Min, stages a one-cat-protest. It’s as if she’s been listening in to their conversations and is determined to disrupt their get away or even stowaway…

“They are going to climb into that tin house with wheels,
and leave me behind they don’t know how it feels,
I have used many novel ways in the past,
this one might be effective at last!
I shall sit upon the step by the door,
trip them up so they drop their clothes on the floor,
then when they think I’m back in the house,
I’m in the camper van as quiet as a mouse.”

“…But then I purr, I might as well wail
and I’m out on my ear – yet another fail!”

Have a great weekend and if you’re travelling check for feline stowaways!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

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Choosing A Card!

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The other day I was looking through a selection of cards in a supermarket when I sensed the frustration of a fellow-shopper. She was having difficulty in finding a suitable card for a friend who was unwell…

“I’m looking for a card for a friend,
who fell off a ladder,
I want to cheer him up,
not make him any sadder!”

“He doesn’t need reminding,
of his self-inflicted disaster,
nor does he need others,
to poke fun at his plaster!”

“All I can find,
(leaving out reference to drink)
are cards offering ‘With Sympathy!’
Helpful? I don’t think!” 

…I’m afraid I wished her luck and left her to her deliberations.

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Damned If I Do…!

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Have you ever been wrong on many counts? I was the other day and it was not long before a stranger told me so! It was a very hot day and I had gone shopping with Mrs Bard. We parked in a supermarket car park so devoid of shade it might as well have been an Arabian desert! As we had the dogs in the car I elected to stay with them. Having recently watched a video of a vet, dressed in scrubs, showing how hot dogs can become in a car, I left the engine and air-conditioning running. Big mistake…

A knock on the window heralded her arrival,
Attilla the Hen had a new rival!
“What are you doing with your engine running?”
Her vitriolic attack was momentarily stunning,
“It’s people like you cause Global Warming,
I’ll report you for that!” a timely warning!
When I said I had two dogs in the back,
she started to splutter as if having an attack,
“People like you should be allowed to keep pets,
They should have warnings about you in the vets!”
With that she stormed off quite absurd,
and fell not so gracefully over the kerb!
So I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t,
will I take any notice? I’m damned if I won’t!

Have a great day, enjoy the heatwave and remember hot dogs die in hot cars. Stay cool, healthy, happy and safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Angry Drone Pilot!

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As a qualified, licensed and insured drone pilot, I am fed up with news stories of near misses with aircraft, like one currently doing the rounds about a near miss with a military helicopter. These reflect badly on drone-flyers to those who skim-read articles in the media. The fact that most of these near-misses happen at between 700 and 2500 feet, when most drones (including mine) are limited by law and electronics to a maximum height of 400 feet, makes me hopping mad. My drones will not fly near an airport, so those who break the law should have the full weight of it crashing around their shoulders.

My rant is over,
my anger spent,
over a near-miss,
was it Surrey or Kent?
I always worry,
when I hear a chopper,
land my drone before,
it becomes a cropper.
But most of the time,
it flies with ease,
over pastoral scenes,
and avoiding trees!
Neighbouring farmers,
have been heard to moan:
“What’s that noise?
– only Simon’s drone!”


Have an enjoyable day and if you hear a noise like an irritated swarm of bees, it may just be my drone!
Stay healthy, happy and safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Flying with Pigeons!

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While visiting the Cereals 2018 show the other day I met a local farmer who was having trouble with pigeons on her peas. I related the story of how a farmer’s daughter brought back a personal alarm from her first year away at university and how her father attached it to his drone to scare off the pigeons who were destroying his oil seed rape crop. That evening I went flying with pigeons…

I attached the alarm to my faithful drone,
took off over the field near to home,
I pressed record on the remote control,
and sent the drone for a leisurely stroll.
All of a sudden a flutter of alarm,
a host of pigeons loose on the farm,
I swooped right down much to their surprise,
a strange machine fell from the skies!
It was the closest thing to a video game,
(swooping down on bombers in a Spitfire plane),
I whooped with success (I may have squealed!)
as I chased the pigeons off a large pea field!

With thanks to Jo for fun with pigeons! 
Have a great weekend and if you are troubled by pesky pigeons, don’t call Ghostbusters!
Picture below: DJI Mavic with added noise!  

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Cereals 2018 (b)

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Yesterday I went to Cereals 2018. Various people asked why, when I no longer had any arable acres, did I bother going. At first I couldn’t come up with a good answer. However having mulled it over while I was walking around amongst the giant tractors, combines and cultivation machines I suddenly realised the answer…

You can take the farmer out of the farm,
a move contemplated with some alarm,
when he’s been used to a harvest all his life,
(so have his friends, family and wife).
It is more to him than just a career,
with it’s worry, uncertainty and cash flow fear,
when you remove his arable armour,
you can’t take the farm out of the farmer.

Have a great day and enjoy what you do while you can and stay away from big toys you can’t afford or justify!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

 

 

 

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