The Missing Pen!

Posted on June 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

How often have you searched for a pen despite having recently bought a multi-pack? I am certain that at nights they play hide-and-seek and that those that win are still hiding come daybreak…

I’m sure I had a pen here today,
I remember using it yesterday.
When I find it I’ll make sure,
I’ll not lose it, or abuse it, anymore!
I’ve been looking for at least a minute,
I’m sure it’s around here, (innit?)
I’ll just get a new one from the drawer,
(before I find the missing pen on the floor!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Three Cormorants

Posted on June 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I saw a sight to anger any fisherman. Three cormorants were swimming down a river, line abreast, looking for their supper. These birds are natures finest fisherman, however they operate without any control or restraint. As a non-fisherman I was in awe of their skills…

Three bold fishermen,
all in a row,
fishing from mid-stream,
is all they know!
They don’t need a licence,
don’t need hooks,
all they have learnt,
is not from books!
But when they go fishing,
anyone can see,
of one thing they’re sure,
there’s always fish for tea!

The coarse fishing season starts tomorrow 16th of June here in the UK.

One Small Step!

Posted on May 30, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Earlier this week I wrote about John and Jane and their experiences with their windbreak while away on their boating holiday (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6995). Later I heard that Jane had fallen down some stairs and was being treated in A&E. I have to explain here that Jane is many years younger and much fitter than me, therefore it came as a shock when I learnt that she fell, not down a large Cinderella-style staircase, but down two small steps into the boat…

Sometimes the smallest of steps sees you tumble,
The smallest of steps sees you fall,
Just when you’re not expecting it,
You find yourself up against the wall.
It’s not the large bills that scupper,
It’s often those unexpectedly small,
In life it’s that one extra step that is dangerous,
So take care, out there, Y’all!

Take care out there, have a great weekend and hopefully see you again soon.

Bank Holiday Paperwork!

Posted on May 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday I spent another seven hours struggling with BPS ( the government’s complicated new agricultural claims procedure). The high point of the exercise was speaking to Jill on their helpline -YES! Open on a Sunday! Although I asked questions that would not have been out of place in a primary classroom, she was very patient and led me by the hand through some very complicated regulations. However three hours later something was missing…

Has anyone seen 1.8 hectares?
It seems to have vanished from sight,
It was certainly there yesterday morning,
It must have gone away overnight!
I have worn out a calculator,
My brain sees figures no more,
I’m suffering a lack of sunlight,
Will have to get out of the door!

It’s now Bank Holiday Monday,
And I’m ready to go once again,
I think I’m almost on top of it,
Compared to last year it’s a pain!
I’ve got a secret weapon,
That just could save my life,
She’ll check out all of my figures,
It’s what is known as a wife!

A Farmer’s Wife – Every farmer should have one. In good times and bad, in poverty and wealth, in lambing and shearing, in planting and in harvest and in calculations and form-filling!
With thanks also to the kind folk at the Rural Payments Agency who are working so hard to help administer an ill-conceived and over-complicated claims proceedure that’s not of their making, while dealing with often fraught farmers with genorosity of spirit and kindness.

The Heavyweight Crunch!

Posted on May 22, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Accidents don’t just happen, so the saying goes. Oh yes they do! How much damage can you do by simply backing the JCB Loadall forklift out of the barn? The large steel weight at the rear may not bend but son-in-law John’s car did yesterday evening…

I heard a slight crunch,
From the cab of the Loadall,
As I backed from the shed,
Slower than Toad of Toadhall.
Johns rear indicator,
In hundreds of pieces,
as if chewed by a rat,
Or twenty small mices!
I couldn’t believe it,
Well fancy that,
Accidents don’t just happen,
They are caused (by me), a prat!

This endorsement has been tried and tested over the years!

The Early Phone Call

Posted on May 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When you run an event that involves a phone number you have to be polite at all times. However this can be a tad difficult when a ‘Sir’ rings before daybreak! What I enjoy most of all is to be woken by a request for information about another boot sale miles away…

Good morning world
it’s a brand new day!
“Is your boot sale on today?”

“Good morning sir,
may I just say,
It’s ten past four on Saturday!”

“Is it on?
I need the facts,
before I leave for Halifax!”

“Goodbye sir
that’s nice to know
this is Baldock, now off you go! “

The pillow’s cold,
my wife’s awake,
might as well get up “For heaven’s sake!”

Please do call,
my fault my phone,
a personal service not answerphone!

A Killer Strikes!

Posted on May 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We are down from ten to two chickens and it’s our own fault. If we kept them locked up in a shed they’d have been safe, however we like to see them roaming around the farm as nature intended. The two remaining hens, Mrs Brown and Mrs Black (Mrs White’s head was found detached from her body along with the others including the ‘Tiptoe Twins’). They now stick together and wander around wondering where their friends have gone and if there are tastier scraps to be found there, while I prepare a surprise for the fox…

On our farm about a week ago,
A fox came calling and away did go,
Killed our chickens removed their heads,
Whilst they were sleeping in their beds.
Feathers scattered all around,
My favourite hens dead on the ground.
If that fox had wanted food,
I wouldn’t hate him or be rude.
If I’m late to the boot sale then you’ll know,
I’m no longer woken by the cockerel’s crow!

The Headless Voter!

Posted on May 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Tomorrow the country goes to the polls. By Friday morning we may well wake up to a weak government controlled by a mish-mash of other parties or a weak government controlled by Scottish Nationalists (how we used to laugh at Italian politics!). The media has run such a long campaign that it is guilty of introducing mind-numbing boredom and apathy towards the election. Unfortunately it’s the system we have, so it’s time to put up and shut up…

We get the politicians we deserve;
we stupidly think it’s us they serve.
They hide behind ancient walls,
like scurrying rats when voting calls.
They’re like light bulbs each and ever hour,
they only seek one thing: that’s POWER!

The Big Breakfasters!

Posted on April 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When did we become a greedy nation? Perhaps we always were and I missed the vital signs? The other morning I had a self-service breakfast in a hotel. I asked a waitress if much food was wasted by people’s greed. Her reply was shocking…

“Many breakfasters pile up their plate,
Sausages, eggs, hash browns to sate,
Then when that’s gone they’re back for more,
And possibly a third time if they’re sure!”

“Their final plate is seldom cleared,
Belching and farting they’ve disappeared,
Leaving behind a wasted plateful,
Wouldn’t do it at home it’s disgraceful.”

“Off they go to do whatever they do,
With a heaving stomach (to the loo!),
But I know,” she said with sorrow,
“They’ll do the same at breakfast tomorrow!”

*The picture above is a serving suggestion only involving actors who cleared their plates!

A Stitch in Time!

Posted on April 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I had a most frustrating time in the local hospital with an elderly relative, followed by over half an hour stuck in a traffic jam inside the hospitals expensive multi-storey car park. I was looking forward to carting fertilizer out to James on the spreader in the afternoon. However a discovery made me wary…

“There’s a nail in your tyre,” said James,
“It always pours but never rains!”
I thought about attacking it with pliers,
But it’s better left in high-pressure tyres!
Looking up to the sky for inspiration,
What James said next caused consternation:
“I shouldn’t look at the other tyre if I were you,
‘Cos you’ll find there’s one in there too!”
So I nurtured the tyres with much care,
Hoping not to soil my underwear!
So this morning the tyre depot I’ll ring,
A stitch in time is a wonderful thing!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants